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and he/she is crying/fussy, what do you do? Lilah likes to be held just a certain way, or else she starts wailing. She likes being held on her belly, or facing out. Nothing too close and cuddly, and God forbid you try the cradle hold with this child!! (Unless I'm feeding her...) She really does not like laying flat on her back. So anyway...whenever we go to visit the in-laws, or my parents, of course, the grandmas want to hold her! They take her out of her carseat, she'll wake up, and then starts getting all squirmy and cranky. Sometimes she will really work herself up and scream. So the whole time she is doing all this, the grandmas will usually try to gently rock her, walk with her, switch positions...whatever. They don't just pass her off to me when she gets like this. They seem to enjoy trying to get her to calm down. I tell them what to do when she gets like this, (hold her this way...go walk outside...) but it doesn't always work because Lilah knows they are not ME. It's hard even for Dh to get her comfortable sometimes. It upsets me when she is uncomfortable, and it bothers me because I know exactly what will calm her down, and I know if I take her away from them she will be happy and content within 30 seconds. But, then the grandmas will get pissed! I know...who cares about them, what matters is that the baby is happy..but really, I can't just never let them hold her. If she really starts crying, beyond the fussy/squirmy point, then I take her from them even if they are not happy about it. So what do you do in this situation?
 

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I would and I do take my baby.<br><br>
Maybe if they would let her sleep rather than waking her up, she'd be a little happier in strangers arms?<br><br>
She's a baby. Not all babies are content to be away from mom just yet. And that's fine. Do what makes your baby happy. The grandmas can get over it, IMO.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>BrittanySmiles</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9011948"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would and I do take my baby.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
And often, people will say to me "Oh it's okay. I don't mind him crying." And I simply reply "Perhaps not, but I do. You can hold him again once he has calmed down."
 

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we had/have the same issues (although now that DD is a little older and seems to be happier it's a lot better), esp. with my MIL, who is very sweet and LOVES her grandchildren but she wears a lot of perfume, and I think it is very overwhelming for my little one. I don't know how I would tell her that so.....whatev.<br><br>
Really up until a few weeks ago (she's almost 4 months now) I was the only one who could hold her without her going nuts. When someone else tried and she started to fuss, I would just say something cheerful, like, "Oh, little one, do you need to come back to mommy? It's alright." And then I just reach for her. I'd rather get to her quickly and calm her down otherwise...I'll have an hour or so of work ahead of me. After awhile it became standard that the only time other people could hold her was when she was dead asleep and didn't know she wasn't with me. Like I said, it's a lot better now though <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I have to same situation with everyone except my DH or my mom. He just doesn't like to be held by other people. I just simply walk over and take him back. If they say "Oh he's fine", I say "No, he's clearly not fine." When I hear my little one crying, it brings out my mama bear side and I can get pretty fiesty! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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I hear ya.<br>
If someone else is holding her and she starts to cry, I usually say, "sounds like she's hungry" and take her. Usually this is easiest way to get her back, especially from my mom (who then tries to take her as soon as she's done eating. "Let me burp her! Let me burp her!")<br><br>
Those wacky grandparents.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>amnda527</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9011895"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">! They take her out of her carseat, she'll wake up, and then starts getting all squirmy and cranky. Sometimes she will really work herself up and scream. So the whole time she is doing all this, the grandmas will usually try to gently rock her, walk with her, switch positions...whatever. They don't just pass her off to me when she gets like this. They seem to enjoy trying to get her to calm down.</div>
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Yeah. I really don't get why my (and yours obviously) ILs insist on waking my LO up. He'll wake up when he's ready and then he won't start immediately SCREAMING b/c someone woke him up and is all in his face. It drives me crazy!!!! And then for them to try for a few minutes to make him quit crying, and saying "oh, his tummy must be hurting or he's fussy" and I'm like "no, he's probably just mad b/c he got WOKEN UP!!!" and take him. AAAHHH! If you can't tell, this really bugs me to no end, too.
 

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I say. "Oh he's hungry," and reach for him...everyone knows I BF him...so I just say that even if he's not hungry as a way to take him back. My LO is pretty easy going with other people though...both sides of our family are huge.
 

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I think grandparents continue to hold your baby when she's/he's crying for a couple of reasons. First, they are attempting to give you a break. I know it doesn't feel so much like a break when your kiddo is crying, but that's the intention. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Second, they want to feel like they are able to provide comfort to the baby. It's a feeling of accomplishment and an act of love if they can provide for the baby's needs.<br><br>
If I may provide a gentle suggestion....let them try it. Let the daddies and the grandparents try to provide comfort for the babies. Really. It won't hurt the babies to get used to the attention of other people and if given a chance they just might find a solution that will foster good relationships between all involved. I know the second the baby starts to cry the instinct is to rush over and fix him/her, but other people have those same tools (other then nursing, mostly). Give them a chance to work a little magic too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> It might not be the way us moms do it, but I bet they can give hugs and kisses and distractions in their own ways that will be lots of fun and joy for the kiddos. In fact, they may do something that doesn't even work for you, but in a different set of arms works beautifully.<br><br>
That said, if the baby is truely inconsolable, most people will bring them back to you. If they won't, and you've let the dad/grandparents involved have a go at it, feel free to suggest that you nurse the baby and return him/her to them when he/she is happy again. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Yeah, whacky grandparents. My FIL once tried to convince me he could calm the baby down better than I could. You know, the calm, content baby that I had just handed to him who started crying and wailing and obviously didn't want to be held by him? Uh, dude, not only can you not calm her better than I can, you not calm her down at all, and you are the one upsetting her! Geesh!<br><br>
What's with the "I don't mind if she cries" comment? I DO! Baby does! I hate that the assumption, the inference, is that it's OK, and normal, for a baby to be wailing for some percentage of every day. And some people would probably think 50% (or more) of the day is an OK amount of time! How about .0005% of the day? Cause that's about how little she cries with us.
 

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I let them try for a couple minutes (unless he is really upset and crying) to make him comfortable, and if they fail, I take him back. I'm not shy about telling people what he does and does not like.
 

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With grandparents and the in laws I let them try to calm ds down but if they are holding him in a way he hates I do mention it and give them a suggestion on how to hold him. When we are at a family gathering or some place where people like to hold your baby "for you"(it's really for them but make it sound like they are helping) I put ds in his sling when we get there and leave him there, when people ask to hold him I just say no, he's comfy. This cuts down on ds getting over stimulated, too.
 

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I do NOT allow my babe to cry and it drives me batty when people say "oh, I don't mind if he cries." Oh okay, the next time you are crying I will just smile and say something just as idiotic to you....<br>
I BF so if he starts to fuss I just say "oh, he must be hungry" and take him back. (and since that kid can nurse 23 hours a day to perfect contentment it always works. LOL)
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>TheDivineMissE</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9012564"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think grandparents continue to hold your baby when she's/he's crying for a couple of reasons. First, they are attempting to give you a break. I know it doesn't feel so much like a break when your kiddo is crying, but that's the intention. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Second, they want to feel like they are able to provide comfort to the baby. It's a feeling of accomplishment and an act of love if they can provide for the baby's needs.<br><br>
If I may provide a gentle suggestion....let them try it. Let the daddies and the grandparents try to provide comfort for the babies. Really. It won't hurt the babies to get used to the attention of other people and if given a chance they just might find a solution that will foster good relationships between all involved. I know the second the baby starts to cry the instinct is to rush over and fix him/her, but other people have those same tools (other then nursing, mostly). Give them a chance to work a little magic too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> It might not be the way us moms do it, but I bet they can give hugs and kisses and distractions in their own ways that will be lots of fun and joy for the kiddos. In fact, they may do something that doesn't even work for you, but in a different set of arms works beautifully.<br><br>
That said, if the baby is truely inconsolable, most people will bring them back to you. If they won't, and you've let the dad/grandparents involved have a go at it, feel free to suggest that you nurse the baby and return him/her to them when he/she is happy again. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"></div>
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Thanks for saying this so eloquently! I know that at my house, Berkley only likes to be held by me a certain way. It works for us every time. But I also know that he has other people in his life who satisfy his needs in other ways. I think it's wonderful that he's learning that different people will do different things for him, and that he's getting flexible about what will make him happy. I've never let him scream or turn purple, but if he's a little fussy in my mom's arms, I try very hard to bite back my instinct to leap up and grab him, because I really want my mom to form a trusting relationship with him. The same with my DP. If I intervene at every wimper, he's never going to trust other people to meet his needs.<br><br>
But, I also trust my mom and my DP to let me know if the baby is getting too upset for their comfort level, or if they feel like he is asking for Momma. I know that some grandparents, etc. won't tell you, and will just insist that baby stop crying with whatever they are offering.
 

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I try to make sure I let people know how DS likes to be held before I pass him over. At 3 months he continues to <i>demand</i> to be upright and facing out. No cradle, no snuggles, no blocking his view of the action. He's been that way since he was born. That seems to help.<br><br>
I will scoop him back if he's doing mroe than just grouching a bit. He doesn't cry unless he wants something so if he starts, I answer.
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>TheDivineMissE</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9012564"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think grandparents continue to hold your baby when she's/he's crying for a couple of reasons. First, they are attempting to give you a break. I know it doesn't feel so much like a break when your kiddo is crying, but that's the intention. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Second, they want to feel like they are able to provide comfort to the baby. It's a feeling of accomplishment and an act of love if they can provide for the baby's needs.<br><br>
If I may provide a gentle suggestion....let them try it. Let the daddies and the grandparents try to provide comfort for the babies. Really. It won't hurt the babies to get used to the attention of other people and if given a chance they just might find a solution that will foster good relationships between all involved. I know the second the baby starts to cry the instinct is to rush over and fix him/her, but other people have those same tools (other then nursing, mostly). Give them a chance to work a little magic too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> It might not be the way us moms do it, but I bet they can give hugs and kisses and distractions in their own ways that will be lots of fun and joy for the kiddos. In fact, they may do something that doesn't even work for you, but in a different set of arms works beautifully.<br><br>
That said, if the baby is truely inconsolable, most people will bring them back to you. If they won't, and you've let the dad/grandparents involved have a go at it, feel free to suggest that you nurse the baby and return him/her to them when he/she is happy again. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"></div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">: very nicely put!<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>_betsy_</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9012600"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">What's with the "I don't mind if she cries" comment? I DO! Baby does! I hate that the assumption, the inference, is that it's OK, and normal, for a baby to be wailing for some percentage of every day. And some people would probably think 50% (or more) of the day is an OK amount of time! How about .0005% of the day? Cause that's about how little she cries with us.</div>
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I know where you're coming from, but some babies do cry no matter what for a certain percentage of the day. I remember a friend of mine was having a really hard time with her colicky baby. We went over to visit and let our toddlers play together and while she threw some sandwhiches together, I held the baby, who cried and cried. She was so concerned the whole time, but I was ok with holding him, even if he was crying. He wasn't in pain, and it certainly wasn't that long, but she had to get something done. And she really needed a break. Plus, there are quite a few people who absolutely do not want to hold a crying baby, and want to give the baby back. So I'm sure they say they don't mind holding baby to let you know that they aren't stressed about it, so you shouldn't be either. They'll give baby back if they can't comfort them, sometimes it just takes a little bit.<br><br>
I had a colicky, no-one else can hold me baby, so I know how stressful it can be listening to your baby cry when you know you can comfort them in 2 seconds. I just had twins, and with twins comes the realization that you can't be the sole source of comfort. And I've noticed that sometimes when I just can't take the baby back, or even pick him up right away, it takes a little bit, but sometimes they do stop crying and are comforted by grandma holding them different.<br><br>
And trust me, after 3 + years of being the only one who can comfort my dd, it gets old. I think it's good for them to get used to other people. A little bit of crying does not tramatize them, especially when someone is holding them lovingly and tring to provide comfort. Its the extended crying, left alone in a dark room that is abusive.
 

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I, personally, do not believe that young infants need to learn to be comforted by whomever wishes to comfort the baby. I think there is plenty of time for the IL, grandma, friend, etc to build a bond with the baby when they are not so vulnerable.<br><br>
If the baby is crying, and Mom is not comfortable with the level of crying, then that's that. Mom's got final say about what is an acceptable level of crying/discomfort for her baby.<br><br>
I HATE when people say "oh it's fine, I dont' mind that she's crying". They usually say it as they turn their body slightly away from you. Drives me BONKERS! Why in heaven's name would I let my child sit there in wail in discomfort, if I can comfort him in two seconds flat?<br><br>
I really believe it is disrespectful to the baby. What if the babies were using words instead of crying? What if they were saying "please, please, give me back to Mom, I'm scared and uncomfortable"? Would people just ignore them? No, I think not. But because babies cannot speak for themselves, it appears to be acceptable that they are crying and in discomfort. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: It really strikes me as a certain level of disrespect to the little person in so many ways. Our society is just used to being disrespectful to babies, IMO.<br><br>
Now, if the Mom hasn't had a meal in 12 hours, or needs to tend to something important, and a friend helps out by holding a fussy baby, i think that's a whole different ball of wax. I guess because of intent. INTENT MATTERS!
 

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I take her instantly. MIL will try to hold on, and I have had to pry her fingers off of DD, but her cry makes me so upset. Not to mention the fact that MIL holds her in bizarre ways DD hates...including a cradle hold which only makes DD think "hmmm...must be eating time!" and then get upset when no boob is immedeately presented <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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I think it depends on the level of fussiness as to whether intervention is required....Different cries mean different things and as a mom you usually know whether this is a "mom only thing" or if someone else can be allowed to be in control for a moment.
 

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It depends. I let a few very select people hold on to him for a few minutes (or seconds) to see if he calms down, but usually I just gently take him back. I'm such a fussy mama that most people seem to understand that when he cries, I get just as upset as he does. He does seem to favor certain people at times- in the evenings usually I am the only one who can take him, with the exception of my dad. I also have two good friends who are very good at calming him down. So I guess it depends on who I trust and how he is doing. If he's hungry or really unhappy, then I take him in a second. If he's just being grumpy, then I'm happy to let that close group of trusted friends and family try to help out.
 
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