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My stepmom abused me and my disabled brother very badly. She really loved to make us cry, she got off on torture. She had two of her own kids, never touched them. It was severe abuse.<br><br>
My brother never recovered from it, he got it way worse then I did. If you go to shake his hand, give him a hug, anything he flinches. I don't think I really recovered from it either, I am not sure you can recover from that. I know it made me feel more, I would never touch anyone in anger. I am not going to say I am better off having had these things happen to me, but I am more aware.<br><br><br>
She died 6 years ago today. I went about my day today so far not thinking about it at all. My brother just text me about it. A happy text about it. A happy Cinco De Mayo and yay its been 6 years text. I just text him back "xoxox" because I really don't want to celebrate anything about that women. I don't want to even think about her. It makes me sad, It makes me scared, and it makes me angry. Angry that my father allowed this to happen to us, angry that her children are so well rounded as adults. Angry that my brother who already had so many problems had to deal/has to deal everyday with what she did to us.<br><br>
When I was told about her death, I didn't really feel anything, I wished for so long since I was 2 until I was 16 that she would go away somehow, and it happened, but when I was an adult. I didn't get a nice warm fuzzy feeling like my brother did. I didn't feel anything at all. Other family thought I should have been sad, She wasn't my stepmom when she died, my dad got a divorce from her a couple years before she died. So I wasn't expected to go to a funeral or anything. I did nothing, no phone calls, no cards, I just went about my life.<br><br>
I thought I would be happy, like my brother was. Today he is happy, that its another day she isn't on this earth to hurt anyone. I still feel nothing.<br><br>
I guess today should be a time to think about it, to hug my dd tighter, to pray for my stepmother, I have never prayed for her. I wish I was tougher, I wish I could feel something/anything for her. I am a person who deeply believes in forgiveness, but I just can't muster enough emotion or energy to think or feel about her anymore.<br><br>
That is all I got. 6 years, and I really couldn't care less today.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
That is okay.<br><br>
When we have to numb ourselves to someone for long enough it can make it difficult to ever remove that numbness. Unless it is interfering in your well-being somehow, there is no need to feel anything for that woman. Your brother and you are separate people and have different experiences and needs and that is okay too.<br><br>
As for praying for and forgiving your step-mother...... I read something really interesting about forgiveness recently and it was so helpful to me. A feminist theologian was writing about Christianity and forgiveness and she explored the passages in the New Testament that were about forgiveness. She noticed that in the stories there, it was always the one with the most power who was in the position to forgive or not, not the person with less power. In one of her books she writes extensively about this and about how Christianity has somehow come to mean that people must forgive those who have injured them, no matter what, but when she explored the scriptures she came away with a completely new understanding of what Jesus actually taught about forgiveness. This is especially significant if we think about how often abuse victims are told we must forgive our abusers but her theological interpretation of the New Testament says that we <i>can't</i> do that. We can come to terms with the person and the relationship, but forgiveness is not ours to give.<br><br>
If that is true, then it isn't a question of you forgiving your step-mother. She did wrong but at a time when she held the most power in the relationship. Your task is to come to peace with your own life and your relationship with her - you do not owe her anything. If you find it in you to pray for her, that can be a good thing, but she needs (needed) to seek forgiveness from God and from your father, not from you.<br><br>
Sorry I am not summing up what I read very well. I read the book at a library - I have ordered a copy but don't have it yet.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Shantimama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15374561"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
That is okay.<br><br>
When we have to numb ourselves to someone for long enough it can make it difficult to ever remove that numbness. Unless it is interfering in your well-being somehow, there is no need to feel anything for that woman. Your brother and you are separate people and have different experiences and needs and that is okay too.<br><br>
As for praying for and forgiving your step-mother...... I read something really interesting about forgiveness recently and it was so helpful to me. A feminist theologian was writing about Christianity and forgiveness and she explored the passages in the New Testament that were about forgiveness. She noticed that in the stories there, it was always the one with the most power who was in the position to forgive or not, not the person with less power. In one of her books she writes extensively about this and about how Christianity has somehow come to mean that people must forgive those who have injured them, no matter what, but when she explored the scriptures she came away with a completely new understanding of what Jesus actually taught about forgiveness. This is especially significant if we think about how often abuse victims are told we must forgive our abusers but her theological interpretation of the New Testament says that we <i>can't</i> do that. We can come to terms with the person and the relationship, but forgiveness is not ours to give.<br><br>
If that is true, then it isn't a question of you forgiving your step-mother. She did wrong but at a time when she held the most power in the relationship. Your task is to come to peace with your own life and your relationship with her - you do not owe her anything. If you find it in you to pray for her, that can be a good thing, but she needs (needed) to seek forgiveness from God and from your father, not from you.<br><br>
Sorry I am not summing up what I read very well. I read the book at a library - I have ordered a copy but don't have it yet.</div>
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I think I would very much like to know the Authors name and book title! Thank you for your post, your very right and it makes a lot of sense.<br><br>
Thank you!
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thank you!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Shantimama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15374561"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
That is okay.<br><br>
When we have to numb ourselves to someone for long enough it can make it difficult to ever remove that numbness. Unless it is interfering in your well-being somehow, there is no need to feel anything for that woman. Your brother and you are separate people and have different experiences and needs and that is okay too.<br><br>
As for praying for and forgiving your step-mother...... I read something really interesting about forgiveness recently and it was so helpful to me. A feminist theologian was writing about Christianity and forgiveness and she explored the passages in the New Testament that were about forgiveness. She noticed that in the stories there, it was always the one with the most power who was in the position to forgive or not, not the person with less power. In one of her books she writes extensively about this and about how Christianity has somehow come to mean that people must forgive those who have injured them, no matter what, but when she explored the scriptures she came away with a completely new understanding of what Jesus actually taught about forgiveness. This is especially significant if we think about how often abuse victims are told we must forgive our abusers but her theological interpretation of the New Testament says that we <i>can't</i> do that. We can come to terms with the person and the relationship, but forgiveness is not ours to give.<br><br>
If that is true, then it isn't a question of you forgiving your step-mother. She did wrong but at a time when she held the most power in the relationship. Your task is to come to peace with your own life and your relationship with her - you do not owe her anything. If you find it in you to pray for her, that can be a good thing, but she needs (needed) to seek forgiveness from God and from your father, not from you.<br><br>
Sorry I am not summing up what I read very well. I read the book at a library - I have ordered a copy but don't have it yet.</div>
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This is really interesting. Although I'm not Christian, I think I've got to check this book out. Thanks.<br><br>
OP, I was numb to my father for a long time. Even now, 3 years after his death, more often than not I feel apathetic. Occasionally I mourn for the good in him that my children will not, and did not, have the opportunity to know while he was living. Sometimes I am sad that our lives ended up this way, because I realize the deck was stacked against him too (not excusing his behaviour just saying). Once in a while, I'm angry with him. And sometimes I feel guilty for loving him anyway. But usually, I don't really care. I think as the numbness wears off, I become slowly more aware of emotions beneath the surface... sort of like trying to guess what an object is by feel when it's under a thick blanket.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Shantimama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15375019"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><i>Transforming Fire</i> by Kathleen Fischer.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/notes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="notes"><br><br>
Mama2toomany <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
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