[mamabeth]

Hello...I'm new to this forum but post on Life with a Babe usually...so hi, nice to meet ya!

My dd is 9 mo and I'm going to let her self wean. I've started getting comments already like, "when are you going to stop?" etc, which is no problem, I just say to a year and then we'll see (which is true, we will see how long she goes

). But then they almost invariably say "Well, when they're old enough to stand up and ask for it they're too old!" Obviously I totally disagree but haven't been able to think of a comeback that isn't rude but lets them know I disagree....any ideas? I have a very public job so being [email protected]@ isn't really an option.
Thanks mamas.

 

[jackson's mama]

I think its very interesting that people are so vocal about this. Most people refrain from commenting on any of my parenting decisions, but nearly everyone feels the need to say the exact comment you've heard.

My comebacks are usually of the non-smart-alec type, since most of the people that say it are friends and family. I usually engage them in a discussion about other cultures and how it is the norm in many to EN for years. I lead the discussion into why it is a cultural taboo here, and what the possible reasons behind it are. For the most part, the people I talk to about it come away with a new respect for EN, or at least realize that the entire world doesn't think the way they do

.

 

[Meiri]

Are these relatives saying this? Are they co-workers?

Do you ever eat with these people?

Here's why I ask that last one. When you're all sitting at table, wait until one of them asks you to pass the salt, or potatoes, or whatever. Your reply is................................................ ..........

But you're old enough to stand and ask for it! Therefor I'm not allowed to give it to you.

:LOL

I never got to use this one. I'm dying to hear if it works.

 

[Chi-Chi Mama]

Meiri,

I've got to try that one!!

Beth, good luck to you!! my little one is going to be two at the end of the month, and I've been saying "we'll see at two" for a year now

(when i couldn't be a [email protected]@)

if you can't be a [email protected]@, maybe say that your darling has been asking for it since birth, and what's so different now? she used to root or fuss or make a certain noise.. then she may move to a code word.. a clearly pronounced word...a sentence...so when do you cut it off?

maybe get them to think a bit; I think most people say stuff like that just to say something..

 

[liam's mom]

Ooooh, I hate when people say that. I've had friends say it to me--that they want to bf but will definitely wean long before the child can "ask for it." I'm just so tired of hearing about how wrong it is when a toddler walks up to his/her mother, tugs on her shirt and asks to nurse.

Quote:

if you can't be a [email protected]@, maybe say that your darling has been asking for it since birth, and what's so different now? she used to root or fuss or make a certain noise.. then she may move to a code word.. a clearly pronounced word...a sentence...so when do you cut it off?

I think this is a great way of putting it, and if/when someone brings up the taboo of EN with me, I'm going to try it.

Good luck--I hope you can find a way to answer these busybodies!

 

[candiland]

I always say, "Actually, the World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding for at least two years. Just because they are getting older doesn't mean breastmilk is any "less good" for them." Also, I sometimes mention that some kids can stand up and ask for it at nine or ten months. Do you switch to something subpar - like formula - because your child can "stand up and ask for it"?

 

[gurumama]

*I* used to believe and SAY this publicly! Me, who is now nursing an 18 month old who DEMANDS it, stands for it, and will get it until he stops wanting it!

What changed me--stopped me dead in my tracks, cold--was being asked, "What's wrong with their being able to ask for something that is emotionally nurturing? And why shouldn't their requested need be met?"

I did the whole "uh, um, er" bit. BTW, this was said to me in a very calm, engaging way--not confrontational.

Having someone point that out to me was VERY posititve, and got me thinking on many levels. What's wrong with a child asking to nurse? Why is there something supposedly wrong about a child who can ask for breastfeeding, get it, and learn that when he/she asks to have a need filled, Mommy does it? What caused our culture to deride talking children's nursing?

Anyhow, just an opinion from a member of the BTDT crowd.

And now, if someone makes that comment to me, I know how to respond!

 

[Lil'M]

With my dh's grandmother, when she asked when my dd was going to stop nursing I said "when she doesn't need it anymore." That led to a very nice discussion of the many needs that are met by continuing to breastfeed.

 

[Geofizz]

While I often reply with a snippy remark when asked rude questions about my daughter's "extended" nursing, this is one where I choose to inform.

A newborn asks to nurse as clearly as a toddler who says "I'd like to nurse now, Mommy." A newborn will stick out her tongue and root. Responding to this request is feeding on demand (or on request, take your pick for terms) and shows respect for the child's needs.

While Karen's current tactics lack tact (she lifts my shirt), they are clear. When I respond promptly I give my baby what she needs and she goes on her way. When I refuse or put her off, I'm often left with a very crabby baby because she's hungry.

I like happy babies/toddlers.

 

[merpk]

If you can't be wise-a** about it

(and it is so satisfying sometimes, I get to say "I"m sure he'll wean before his bar mitzvah"

) the WHO recommendations are a serious snappy comeback.

One thing I've found that stops the conversation is, "Why? What is your interest in my baby's nursing?" or "What relevance is it to your life?"

Though that can get folks defensive. Not like I care ... :LOL

And the latest response I gave (to a comment about my 18mo DS#2's NIP) was that his brother weaned at 3, his sister weaned at 3and a half, maybe he'll go to 4, or maybe not ... but that is between him and me, isn't it.

Said with a smile, and followed up with a compliment about the questioner's clothing choice (just to defuse any potential huffiness ...) it did end it right there.

Firm, it ain't their business, yet informing that it's not abnormal. Seems to work okay ...

(just for anyone who didn't know, a bar mitzvah is a celebration when a boy reaches 13yo ...

)

 

[Threefold]

Here's one I've not yet gotten to use (though it is a bit wisea$$)
Q: So, how long is he going to nurse?
A: Probably just a few more minutes.

I don't get many comments at all (don't know why, my ds is nearing 3 and we still occasionally NIP and he is not discrete or quiet about asking), but the few times I have had friends or family members ask, I usually start out by joking, "I know, this will surely limit his choice of colleges, huh?" then by following up with some WOH stats (and to be honest I'm not sure how up to date my stats are, but they get the general idea).

 

[MilkbarMom]

Her exact word were " if she is old enough to ask for it, then she is old enough to quit"

And my reply was

" Next time you go to the refridgerator, maybe someone should tell you it's time to quit"

This was said very politely!
You should have seen the look on her face.

 

[Court]

It's because a lot of people think breastfeeding is somewhat sexual or dealing with sex organs, which it isn't - so that's why it's so taboo. Once you become a mom and breastfeed, it becomes very difficult to understand that point of view. I remember thinking it was really funny or weird to hear of a toddler nursing when I was pregnant, but it was just because I had never seen it, and was basically ignorant about bf'ing. Now, nursing a 20 mo. old, who clearly asks for it, it seems perfectly normal. What's weird to me, is when I hear of toddlers not nursing. I can't imagine not nursing a toddler.

I see kids with bottles, of all ages - and a bottle is just a substitute for the breast - so people have to admit that the need to suckle is present in children to at least age 2, probably beyond. Pediatricians push for bottle fed babies to wean from the bottle by age 1, so I've heard. I was mostly bottle fed, and can remember self-weaning at around age 4. That's the average weaning age of kids world wide (for breastfeeding). I think overall in this country, there's this push for babies to grow up and become indepent, whether their ready to or not. Thank goodness a lot of us follow our instincts instead.

As for the OP, I would definitely quote the WHO recommendations, and just approach it scientifically and say, "actually it's normal for human babies to nurse to a year and beyond, etc" and look at them like they're the ones who are being ridiculous. "when she can walk up and ask for a hug, or to read a book, is that time to say 'no'?"

So, being a smart a$$ isn't an option for you, but apparently your co-workers have no problem being one, making comments like that. Good luck, and sorry people are being so rude to you.

 

[Beth-TX]

If someone said that to me, I think I would just say, "why do you say that?"

I'll bet they wouldn't be able to come up with a reasonable response.

peace, Beth

 

[chellemarie]

You could be funny without being a total smartie pants.

Whenever my kids ask when they get to do something that is grown-up (like date, drive, wear make-up, stay home alone, etc.) I say, "when you're 37."

When people ask how long I'm going to nurse ds I say, "Until he's 37." Wink and smile. It works every time.

(I was told that on a recent episode of Judging Amy, someone asked when kids stop doing this or that (or something of that nature) and the reply was, "When they're 38." Which writer reads MDC? HMMM?)

***edited for language. I'm such a potty-mouth.

 

[mamabeth]

Thanks for all your responses, mamas! I think the things that will fit me the best are the ones that are funny, but not snippy (although that would be fun sometimes!)...I am lol at the "until she's 37."

The day after I posted this originally someone said to me, "well, when they know what they're doing they're too old."

What???? So she hasn't known what she was doing for the past nine months...she was just opening her mouth, rooting around, and making monkey noises for no reason????

Anyway, thanks.

 

[LunaMom]

Quote:

Originally posted by mamabeth The day after I posted this originally someone said to me, "well, when they know what they're doing they're too old."

What an odd thing to say! When do they not "know"? Does this person think that the act somehow becomes sexual and embarrassing for the mother or child because the child is aware that she is sucking on mommy's breast? I just don't get it!

:

Anyway, the comment in the OP is just getting so old. How many times have people used that one, word for word - "When they're old enough to ask for it..." or the other variation, "When they're old enough to come up to you and lift your shirt..." When people say this, it's pretty clear they are not thinking for themselves, but rather just repeating something they've heard and decided sounds witty. Pathetic, isn't it?

I think the best way to respond to someone like this is to just look them dead in the eye and say, "Why?" Bet they have no answer at all.

 

[Lucysmama]

ITA the way to respond to intrusive questions like these is to ask, "Why would you say that?" They usually say something to the effect of "Well, I just think she's too old." Then you can keep going, "Why do you think she's too old?" etc etc...we are not EBF, but we have dealt with intrusive people's questions about CD, non-vaxing, vegetarianism, co-sleeping, etc...this works every time. Put em on the spot, maybe they will think twice about being so nosy next time!
Not only is it a good way to get them to butt out, but it's always helpful to get to explain your positions to each other, and hopefully you will have the chance to educate someone about BFing!!!

 

[Juliacat]

I like the polite, non-confrontational answers best, but I also like "Actually I think I'll wait until he's old enough to write an essay about it."

 

[mama_kass]

My one year old does stand up and ask for it. He says "Me Me". I can't and wouldn't deny my ds what is healthy and he needs. I have used the WHO's reccomendation with my mother. She bf me until I was a year old and it is hard for her to understand that we are not going to wean any time soon. I have a feeling this will be even more challenging with strangers but I'm up for the task.