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WHEN will the tears stop???

487 Views 2 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  SpiralChrissy
I just can't help but cry so very hard when my husband leaves for work.. he just went back today and I cried so much out of fear of him leaving me... I do not know if this is because HE is gone or if I am afraid of being alone with the baby. All I have to do is have the mere thought of being alone and I loose it uncontrollably. I do not have the luxury of having a mother around to help and I am new to this town so I know hardly anyone to call and ask to come over. I am basically alone. When the baby is asleep, I keep hoping he will stay asleep as I am afraid I won't be able to look after him when he is awake (although I do seem to do alright). I even sometimes think of how I don't want him... I feel just AWFUL about these thoughts and terribly ashamed of myself. Are some of these things nromal for PPD? How can I get over this? How can I not be afraid? I hope someone can help me. PS I have called the doctor and am waiting to hear back as to whether or not I should go back on my zoloft (antidperessant).
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A little bit of all that stuff sometimes just comes with the territory. I had a rough time after my first was born. He was very high needs and nursed literally all the time. I had no time to myself and my ds would accept no one but me without screaming for hours. I never considered that I might have PPD then, but looking back I'm betting I had some baby blues at least. I remember once when he was about a month old I was sitting on the couch and I so desperately missed my old life. I missed being able to go out (because there was no easy way to do that with a baby that screamed or nursed and little else.) I felt guilty for no longer bringing in an income. I just wanted to be able to have a little time for myself, but it wasn't happening. I loved my ds with all my heart, but I remember thinking to myself, "if he died of sids, would I really be that sad, or would I be relieved to be able to get back to my life again." How awful is that?
I lived for Friday mornings because that was when the breastfeeding support group met. Heck, half the reason I didn't give up on breastfeeding was so I could still go and get some adult contact.

For those who have had depression or prior ppd, the chances of it returning after childbirth are higher. The fact that you mention that you were on Zoloft before makes it pretty likely that you may need the medication again. Don't worry if you are breastfeeding, you can still take Zoloft. Is there a LLL meeting in your area that you could attend to get some motherly support. The bonds that I formed at my bfing support group have become my best friends and biggest support system. No one can know what you are feeling like a mom who has been there.

I even sometimes think of how I don't want him...
As hard as it may be, try not to beat yourself up over this. When I was suffering from depression, one of the things that I noticed (after the fact) was that I felt so apathetic about things. I just couldn't feel the emotions anymore. I knew I loved my kids, but life was just so darned "hard" that I didn't seem to have the energy to love them like I had. One of my friends who suffers from PPD started on meds when her first dd was about six months. I remember her talking about how after that she finally understood what people meant when they talked about how much they loved their babies. She loved her dd, but she just wasn't able to really bond with her. When she had her second dd, she stayed on her med throughout the pregnancy and afterward and was able to bond with her from the very beginning. I think that she knows that she can't change the past, but she wishes she could have had those first six months with her dd1 to do all over again.

It sounds to me like you are feeling a lot more than just the baby blues. If you have had success with Zoloft in the past, please, don't feel afraid to take it now. You are already predisposed to PPD and catching it early will really help you enjoy your child. You deserve to have a wonderful babymoon. Your baby deserves a healthy mom. There are things that you can do to naturally help yourself (exersize, flax seed oil, B vitamins and many more suggestions on this board that you can try also) but if these don't work, don't forgo meds. Get your brain chemistry on track again.
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I went thru a period with my DS where I was positively upset when my DH left for work. Sunday nights were the hardest. I just saw the long week stretch out before me and I couldn't imagine caring for DS all week long on my own. It was really rough. I had a lot of anxiety about it. For me, I found some babysitters I could trust to help ease the load. I have a sitter about 12 hrs a week and it makes a huge difference. It's good for my DS too cause he gets to play with other kids which is important to me since he's my only child. Anyway, hang in there. It does get easier. I just wanted to say that I know where you're coming from.
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