[LaughingHyena]

Most of the time our approach is not to ask questions when we know the answer and avoid the sort of situations in where the kids are likely to lie. So no "did you put your socks in the laundry?" when I can see them on the floor, just ask them to do it.

However there have still been times when we have caught DD out with not telling the truth. Her stories thus far have not been that believable.

Now we have a situation where I don't know what to think, and I don't know how to resolve it.

Both kids wanted these little collectable figures, which lots of kids at school have been trading. We got them each 5 and they spent the first couple of days trading with each other. So far so good. Then DD took hers to school and traded a figure for something else which she then lost. It was a figure they both had. Then she claimed to have found the cards and swapped back for her figure, at the same time DSs figure went missing. Eventually she admitted that she had taken his and gave it back to him.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and again she took her figures in a little bag to school, this time loosing the whole lot. I know that night that most of DSs figures were lined up on his windowsill, because I moved them to draw the curtains.

The next day DD came home from school with 4 figures, one of which was the same as DSs but the other 3 were different. She claims to have found hers (though not the bag) and traded them for the new ones. DSs figures are nowhere to be found, we've been sorting out outgrown toys and rearranging his furniture so I'm pretty sure I've been through all the toys boxes, checked behind furniture etc and none have been found. Both children agree that she went onto DSs room after we'd put them to bed and woke him up.

She is sticking to her story, though didn't object when I said I was taking the figures till I could work out what had happened. I still have the figures which I strongly suspect are DSs but I don't know what to do with them or who to believe.

This is our first venture into letting them get into the playground trading stuff and it's not going well.

 

[hopefulfaith]

I don't know, but I'll be listening for wisdom from some of the wise mamas here. My 5 yo ds told me the other day that he did something that I wasn't entirely sure he did - he insisted he did it and wasn't lying, but I couldn't prove he was (though I suspected it). I told him flat out that I wasn't sure I believed him, but that I hoped he was telling the truth. "I AM!", he said, though he wouldn't look me in the eye.

I was sad, because this was really the first time I didn't trust that he was telling me the truth and couldn't prove he wasn't.

 

[Imakcerka]

Could you perhaps pick up some new ones that are different altogether?

Other than that you may have to do a little more digging. I've been through something similar with these pencil you can get at school. Both my girls had them, my oldest always gives hers away because there are other kids that never get to get them. My little one loses hers she's NOT a giver. She actually took two of the pencils from her older sisters backpack and my husband saw her do it but didn't say anything until he told me. So we waited til school was out and sure enough our oldest one was rather upset because she thought someone had stolen her pencils from her backpack. Her feelings were hurt because she thought it was someone from her class. Her little sister agreed with her that it must have been a friend from class and walked away. MEANIE! So before it could go any further I picked up both backpacks and took out their school work, lunchboxes, jackets and whatever else I could find and sure enough found the pencils which my oldest actually put her initials on. I caught her... and I didn't say a word. Just handed them back and walked away. The older one actually cried and went to her room. The little one... felt like dirt!

Now you know your girl will do it, as most kids will try it. So find put initials on em if you have to, or do not get them the exact same toys.

 

[Mittsy]

I don't have any specific advice pertaining to your situation, sorry! But, I did come across this article about lying the other day, and I thought you might find it useful.

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/news/192/64/Lies-Carry-The-Truth

 

[midnightmommy]

I think I would tell her that I don't believe her, and explain why. Complete with the fact that she already tried this once, and got busted. At the very least it teaches her that her last lie cost her some trust. You are giving her a chance to fess up too. Honestly, you can't punish what you really can't prove, but maybe you could just decide that they aren't ready for the trading thing and put them away for awhile.

 

[Susan Kunkel]

We talk about the importance of being able to trust .

 

[LynnS6]

Quote:

Originally Posted by midnightmommy

I think I would tell her that I don't believe her, and explain why. Complete with the fact that she already tried this once, and got busted. At the very least it teaches her that her last lie cost her some trust. You are giving her a chance to fess up too. Honestly, you can't punish what you really can't prove, but maybe you could just decide that they aren't ready for the trading thing and put them away for awhile.

I like this approach. It demonstrates the value of trust and shows her that if she lies once, she's not likely to be believed again. It's not directly accusing her, but it is showing her that because she lied before, she's not very believable right now.

I would also sit her down and explain there are a couple of options:

1. You can keep the figures and both of them can lose them.

2. You can split the remaining figures with her brother (the Solomon approach).

3. You can give them to her brother because you can't see how his could have disappeared from the house, while she took hers to school and admitted losing them. Explain that options 1 and 2 aren't very fair to her brother. She can now choose to be fair to her brother (and earn back some trust) or she can choose to be unfair to her brother.

I'd also have a private talk with her brother, just to make sure that he didn't move them or take them to school.

The other thing is, does she get an allowance? This sort of commercial junk is exactly the kind of thing that a child should spend their own money on. If she doesn't get an allowance, I would institute one and allow her (and her brother) to save up for another set.

 

[LaughingHyena]

Thanks for the thoughts, it's helped me work through things.

We have had a couple of talks about how since she's told lies in the past we find it difficult to trust her, we did this when removing the figures and a couple of times.

DS is not at school so I was pretty confident he had no opportunity to take them out of the house. We had just about decided that there was no getting to the bottom of the story when DDs purse turned up at school. On opening it I found both DD and DSs figures at that point she admitted taking his to school, however now I had 4 extras and no idea where they had come from!.

Eventually she told us they were loaned to her by a friend when she was upset at losing hers. A phone call to said friends parents showed this to be true. DDs relief when I said I would give them back to her friend in the morning was huge. Apparently the friend was none to please that DD couldn't give them back because I had confiscated them. I think on the whole that will stick with her a lot more than anything I can say right now.

Normally I am a bit obsessive about labelling things that go to school to avoid all the sort of thing but when the toys were bought with the purpose of trading with friends that didn't seem appropriate. Instead we have decided that next term she will only take one figure to school at once, so reducing the possibility of loosing them, and I'll be better able to keep track of what's going on.

ETA we asked her what she though we should do about all this and she said not to let her play Moshi monsters in the school holidays, we settled on her having 10 minutes less each day for a week. They usually have 20 minutes or so after dinner each day.