[momea]

I have this vision of how I want to raise my children. It's not happening. It's hell.

I am trying so hard to find a way but I just can't! I want her to be able to live in a beautiful place. Home. Well, we just moved from Oregon (which I consider beautiful) to Southern California (which I don't consider beautiful). We have to rent, and a crappy place at that. Not even a house. No yard, no privacy. No friends. I feel like I've pulled my dd up by her roots and we're just not taking hold here.
I want to feed my daughter healthy food. I wish we could afford organic. By the end of the month I'm wishing we could afford water! Every report I hear about estrogens, pesticides, chemicals in milk, hormones, antibiotics, gmo, mercury, lead, cyanide in water, etc. makes my stomach clench. I'm feeding this crap to my daughter and my baby.
I have serious doubts about whether we can afford a home birth this time around. I can't even imagine having a hospital birth. I wanted my daughter to be a part of it. To know what normal birth is. I don't want my baby to be born in a hospital.
My husband is never around. How can he work so much and we still be so broke? My daughter misses her daddy so much!

I try to get perspective. I mean, I KNOW that many of you have serious problems that make mine miniscule. That some of you will read my complaints and think I am a complainer, that I'm lucky. No yard? - just take her to a park! Solutions, a way to make the situation better. I'm not moping, I am trying to make things better. That's not the problem. The problem is that I can't do IT. I can't realize my dream for her. No matter how hard I try or what I sacrifice. And this is it. I only get one shot. That's the part that doubles me up on the floor sometimes. Only one shot. Anyone else out there feeling like they aren't making the life they wanted for their children. Doesn't it hurt?

 

[DebraBaker]

I know how if feels to want to do the best for my children but to be too darn poor to actually do everything the "right way".

The most important thing for children is your love and attention. I imagine you're doing your best for them and this intent tends to work its magic on young children.

I don't think anyone here is going to force feed you their predigested notions of what you can do to improve your circumstances. I think people will, however, give their perspective for individual questions or delimas you are facing.

Mothering.com is a great place to find supportive people and diversity.

Debra Baker

 

[oceanbaby]

Well first I wanted to say that in no part of reading your post did I ever think you were just whining. It is so hard to make it with only one person working. We just barely squeak by, and we are fortunate to have the financial help of dh's family for big items - they helped us to buy a house, a car, etc. Without their help we would still be in our small 1bd apt. And dh makes pretty good money, but the area we live in in just so expensive, and raising a family here on one income sucks.

When I was growing up, my parents never had money. We didn't own a home until I was in highschool. We lived in Canada the first 8 years, so we always had plenty of open, running around space, but there were no extras. Toys and clothes were bought at garage sales. Our car was always breaking down. I was never aware of all the details, but I'm sure our electricity was turned off on more than one occassion. We built a lot of fires for heat. After we moved to California, my mom always had to have a roommate to live in a house. My dad lived in a house, but there was no yard, and it was smack up next to a big apartment building, where people would sit out on the fire escape (right next to our bedroom windows) and party all night long. I will admit that the one area that they always seemed to have under control was food - my mom made everything from scratch (making your own bread is cheap and fun!), we were always perusing small local health food stores and farmer's markets. We would go to U-Pick-It farms and pick tons of berries and apples and whatever else.

I went to highschool in an incredibly wealthy area (pretty much the Beverly Hills of Northern California) - I was literally 1 of 3 kids who didn't have a car. I remember my closet having 4 outfits in it, with a bunch of bare space, and I would do my darndest to rotate those 4 outfits around as much as I could. (Then my stepmother came onto the scene, who was a Goodwill maniac, and I couldn't fit any more clothes into my closet).

I have nothing but fond memories of my childhood. My parents gave us plenty of love and attention, and were incredibly creative. And that's what your children are going to remember.

If you live in LA, I would maybe investigate and try to take advantage of the massive cultural scene. There have got to be tons of museums, libraries, children's programs, parks, etc. You would be shocked at what you can find - I know I have been.

Okay, this might get long here, but here goes: One of the flip sides to growing up without a lot of money is that I learned that the most important things in life were love and family and loyal friends, and I learned how to make it on my own. It gives you a confidence like nothing else. My SIL on the other hand, who was given everything, silver spoon included, still lives in fear. She is still supported by her parents, and is so scared constantly, because she has never experienced having nothing and making a comeback for herself. She has never negotiated with pacbell to keep the phone on. She has never filled out college grant applications. She has never negotiated getting bad credit marks removed from her credit report. I know that you can take everything away from me, and I will still come back. Not that I don't still worry about money, but I have an ultimate core of confidence that is unshakable. My SIL can't sleep at night because she's worried about how she will continue to keep up with the Joneses. I mean gosh darn, what will she do if she doesn't make $100k that year? Man, what a weight on her shoulders. She can have it.

Giving your children the best can actually be a disservice. Raising them in a loving, stable, and supportive environment will give them the foundation to conquer the world.

 

[Marlena]

I don't have anything to add to the excellent posts already written by DebraBaker and oceanbaby, other than

 

[Marsupialmom]

Your love an attention will go much farther than these "things".

I group up in a nice neighborhood. We had a pool. Nice clothes (not always the most in but nice clothes). We really never did with out anything material. But that is the most lonelest time I have even been.

I look back onto my childhood wanting love and a safe home, not the pool, clothes, expensive foods, et.

Have you ever asked yourself why the poorest of poor can come out of childhood happy with a good outlook on life? It is because of family and what the parents gave and sacrificed for them. Kids know when mom's and dad's are giving it their all.

 

[simple gifts]

I just want to share a hug here. I know what it's like to want more and better for your children, and not be able to provide.

I totally agree with the other posts. The most important thing you can provide your children is yourself. If you got a job to buy organic food and a nice house with a yard, what would really be the point? Still, it is heartwrenching to know more and want more for your babies.

On the practical side, I can only offer few suggestions. As you said yourself, go to the park, go hiking on the weekends, go to all the free stuff you can find, concets, plays, museums, etc. Libraries often have free passes to attractions.

Find a LLL group or an attachment parenting group, and ask about organic farmers markets and food co-ops. A food coop can making eating organic very affordable. In the meantime, many people suggest that if you must limit the organic products you buy, start with the ones most likely to be contaminated: milk, butter, apples, bananas, strawberries. Do as much of your own baking as possible to limit exposure to additives and preservatives, and save money.

Use non-toxic cleaners at home, lowering the toxic load on everyone. Wear natural fiber clothing you buy from Goodwill, Salvation Army, consignment stores. Consign things yourself, to earn a bit of cash. Make use of the library for toys, music and art, as well as books, so your children can be exposed to the best. You can usually find childrens tapes and CDs, kids books on tape (great for car rides), plus books for you on saving money, frugal tips, etc.

And give your hard working man a big hug at the end of the day.

Kudos to you, mama, for wanting the best for your little guys.

 

[Dodo]

Quote:

We lived in Canada the first 8 years, so we always had plenty of open, running around space

Oceanbaby, some, if not most, Canadian children live in densely populated urban areas w/o open, running around space. Your phrasing made me giggle.

 

[oceanbaby]

I guess I should have said rural Canada. I've never had as much space here as I had growing up in B.C.

 

[Touch of Sunshine]

I have a couple things to add....

I am Canadian and did grow up in rural areas. I had free roam to run and play and that wonderful stuff. But times have changed in the last 20 years, I'd not let my children have that free roam, not anymore But it was great for me

That said, i grew up with second hand stuff. I was always clothed and fed. We went without on many occasions. When I wanted lessons, i needed to work to pay for them. Piano, martial arts, etc.

Today, I live in a different world from when I grew up. To go back to that....

I live in larger city, however where we are my kids DO have some freedom to paly outside with little fear. We're in a culdesac and from my rocking chair I can see it all. We also have lots of kids in the neighboring homes so they have readily available playmates. They also have each other.

We are also a single income family. We have more debt than I care to admit to, but we're diligently working at becoming debt free. The last big expense is sitting in my 1987 caravan, the fireplae insert that will offset the cost of gas. We don't complete with Joneses though. We laugh at SIL and BIL that do that. My kids are dressed mostly in garage sale and goodwill finds. They don't mind.

Is this the life I wanted for my kids. No. It's not my original plan. But I'm a "cup-half-full" kinda gal. So I changed my plan. My kids have me at home for them. Ok so perhaps I spend too much time on the computer sometimes, but I'm home. Their friends think it's "cool" that i'm here, that they are welcome in my home at anytime, because I am here.

The kids are learning that a silver spoon isn't necessary to have a good life. That wanting what you have is more important that lusting for what you don't. They are also learning value for their money. DS will figure that one out a little more today. I wouldn't let himspend $20 on a book order, but this evening we'll go to goodwill and find him 4 or 5 books for $5. Are the 2 he wanted really 400% better than the used ones?

I still need to revise my plans some more. I need totime manage better so we spend more family time, have a cleaner home, eat better, etc. But that's a work in progress for us.

Is it disappointing that I can't be the complete AP mama that I set out to be? That we don't eat organic, that we do watch more tv than we should? Sure it is. But if I look at the whole picture, the kids have 2 parents(which seems to be an oddity around here) living in the same home, we HAVE a home because we make it a home, they have toys and clothes. And they are loved, not beaten which happens way too often. Sometimes life throws an unexpected curve, but if you don't bend, you break.

OHHHH... one more thing, are there gleening groups near you? We don't have them here in Canada, but I know the US has some. For giving a few hours of your time, the group pays you in produce, bakery goods, clothing, etc. Look into it. I might be able to find more info for you if you like.

 

[siddie]

Oh Momea, I hope you feel better soon. I have moved many times because my husband is in the army and find that the first year or two is the worst. It is really tough to be uprooted like that, especially if you didn't want to go there. You have had some excellent suggestions from the other posters already. Most of us are all on some sort of a budget and have to make compromises so we just do our best. Bloom where you are planted

 

[dancingmama]

Oh Momea, big hugs!!!! I just wanted to pipe in here with my experience growing up.... My brother and I grew up quite poor. My mom was a single mom, divorcing my dad when we were 6 and 4. He did not provide much if any $$. She had to go to work to support us. She was working 2-3 jobs at a time.... When we were a little older, she'd get us off to school and go to work. She'd come home shortly after we did and play with us and have dinner, etc. She'd get us to bed.... and then go to work. I don't really know when she slept. Our "vacations" consisted of driving up north, to Wisconsin (we grew up in Northern IL), to a "resort" (read: motel on a small lake with shuffleboard).

The fact is, I did not even know we were poor until I was pretty much grown up. My childhood was filled with mom -- she loved us (and still does) sooooo much, and all I can remember is how much great time she spent with us, playing games, listening to music and dancing around the living room, taking us places. My memories are filled with love and family and music and laughter (and of course arguing with my brother, acting out, typical kid stuff). She always came to every single one of our school plays and little league games, and life was very full.

I really feel your pain when I read your post. I'm so sorry you are feeling so sad.... But take heart that your kids will grow up feeling full and loved and whole, because they have a wonderful mama who puts them first before everything else.

Peace,
Dancingmama

 

[Shell]

For what it is worth... I've been in the organic foods industry for 12 years in many different capacities. With exception to the foods listed by Mothersong (good job!), I have always been of the belief that the real benefits of organic are primarily to the land and the environment, and only secondarily to the consumer. Saving the environment does not "sell" as well to consumers as "protect your kids."

I do not for a second want to minimize the importance of supporting organic in order to reduce the impact of agrichemicals on the environment (and eventually our health), but give yourself a break and don't think you are harming your children by not exclusively feeding them organic. If you can, buy organic dairy and strawberries. I also agree with the idea of shopping at a coop -- you can buy nutritious and organic foods in bulk at a fraction of supermarket prices.

I'm 35 and I definitely feel overwhelmed by life. Life is very, very complicated, and I don't think I will ever live at the same comfort level as my parents did. It's not just you. Very few people I know feel like they have a grip on life. All you can do is be a loving parent. That's what kids need most. Good luck to you.

 

[nikirj]

I grew up in a single-income family. I didn't even know I was poor until I was like 16 (when my family became not-so-poor after my mom graduated from college and started a "real" job). It just didn't matter to me as a child. I think that for most kids, it doesn't matter.

I struggle with this whole idea sometimes because now my family and I are poor (not my parents - they've "made their way" so to speak). We live in an apartment (one bedroom, two kids, two adults), have one car when I go to school 20 miles away and DH goes to work 15 miles away, buy second-hand, and need to be really careful how we spend food money. I never thought it would be like this, but since our first was unplanned we didn't have the extra couple of years we really needed to establish ourselves (I was 19 at the time). I wanted a YARD, darnit!

But I don't think the kids notice. And whenever it really bugs me, I just remember that it is bugging ME, not the kids...and whose childhood is it, anyway? This is for THEM after all - if they're perfectly happy, why am I going nuts about it? Sure, it would be nice to go to our yard and not around the block to the park - but they are happy, so maybe I should relax and be happy too.

 

[eilonwy]

I too worry about not being able to give "the best" to my son. And sometimes I read posts here about feeding your kids organic food and putting organic cotton diapers on their behinds and I wish I could do all that stuff.

Honestly, the thing that has helped me the most with this is breastfeeding. It sounds kind of silly, but I feel like I'm making up for a lot by giving Eli his nursy-nursies. I have to give him regular cheerios, which WIC will pay for, and Gerber juice for the same reason, but he's still getting the very best food that money CAN'T buy. When I think about nursing, it helps me to realize what really is important to my little man.

ETA: I grew up dirt poor, and I can't say that I didn't know. I went to private schools (always on scholarship) with kids who had "stuff" coming out their ears and were miserable little human beings. I survived because I was smart, and I lorded that over other kids. (I was "better" than they were because I was smarter than they were, and all the money in the world couldn't change that.) My brother used to cry about the fact that other people had so much and we had so little, but I never did. I just told myself that being smart was more important.

Now that I'm older, I wish that my mother had handled things differently, and I intend to do things differently with my son. My mother also thought that having those things was important, because she grew up with them. I don't want my son to learn that, so I'm teaching him differently. We go for walks, and to the library and other things that are free, and we have a great time. It'd be nice if we one the lottery, but hey, you can't have it all. I think we have what's really important.

Rynna

 

[fluffernutter]

Just think how expensive it would be if you were buying cribs, disposable diapers, formula, strollers, etc. You doing a lot better than most people are.

When your kids' hearts are filled with love and happiness, they won't care what kinds of veggies you feed them or what kind of house you live in.

 

[momea]

Thanks so much everyone for all of the replys.

I was feeling pretty crappy when I first posted! I guess I just had this dream of how I wanted to raise my child and now she's getting older and I realize it won't work out that way. We get along with our old beater cars (actually the truck is now broken down), and wear used clothes, etc. And we don't want new cars, or new clothes or stuff like that. It's just not us. We would feel like imposters if we had nice stuff. I want the stuff that's a bit more intangible in a way. Safety, beauty, peace!! What I would give for quiet! Community. We're moving again to help some of that stuff happen, even though we'll be paying more for less space. Thanks for the reassurance. I know it's a sign that you're a big-time worrier if you worry about worrying or stress about stressing but really that's half the problem. I have to work with what is and what we can do and somehow come to terms with that.