[onlyzombiecat]

Dh and I are not on the same parenting page... or maybe the same book. I need some ideas or book recommendations that could help us come together.

Recent example of our problem:
Dd is 6 years old. Last night dd broke something when she was mad and I was telling her she needs to use words and talk about what is bothering her instead of breaking things. She spit and dh (who was in the room) picked up one of her toys and hurled it at the wall because he was mad at her. Seriously undermines what I just said and what I was trying to do. Dd went to her room crying and raging. I was very upset with dh.

It is very hard for me to get dh to understand that threatening, yelling, and breaking things do not work. He just says he wants dd to listen and that's the only way to get through to her. That is how he was raised. I asked him if it made him better behaved and he said sometimes (when he knew he was going to get caught). He says "I turned out okay." Dh definitely has emotional baggage from his childhood and a fear of failure.
He also complains that dd doesn't like him. I asked him if he wants her to listen and obey absolutely or be liked. Surely there is middle ground? Dd does love him but they are always disolving into conflict over little things. Sometimes it is like dh is pushing her buttons as an excuse to yell at her.
Dh doesn't treat me the way he treats dd at all. He is very loving and patient with me so it is hard to understand why he changes so much when it comes to dd.
He doesn't read parenting books or websites. I'm hoping I can find something he'll agree to look at or a way to get through to him.

We have How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. I think it is a good book but dh isn't too interested.

Has anyone had this problem with a partner? If so, what helped in your situation?

 

[BellinghamCrunchie]

We don't currently have this problem in our relationship, but DH is not completely on board with GD parenting techniques mainly because he doesn't know what they are and won't read anything.

I got Alfie Kohn's dvd on Amazon.com and started watching it. He was in the other room, but could hear the dvd. Eventually he came in to be with us, have popcorn and stuff. DD was fussy and I took her out to rock her to sleep. So I missed the dvd, most of it.

The next day I asked him what he thought. I asked if he found anything interesting and useful on the dvd. He started talking about it, and then went on a long discussion about what he learned from the dvd. It was especially useful that I didn't see the dvd and he did, because then he had to "teach me" about gentle discipline

It made him feel more in control and like he was now giving ME parenting advice. It was sweet.

Maybe some kind of approach like this might help your DH?

 

[onlyzombiecat]

Thanks for the suggestion.

 

[muckemom]

Just wanted to say that I know how irritating it can be when it feels like your alone in certian aspects of your marriage...

I am working on bringing DH around, but luckily DS is only 11 months and we haven't crossed those bridges yet.

((hugs)) though, and I hope you get some good advice on here... I usually do.

 

[onlyzombiecat]

Thanks.

 

[Plummeting]

I know this is totally not going to fly with your DH, but it sounds like he has some anger problems. Throwing a child's toy to get her to listen? That sounds like real anger issues, to me. Kids have a way of pushing your buttons more than anyone else, kwim? So even if he's never been that way with you, it doesn't mean he doesn't have a little anger management problem. Being angry is one thing. Acting out on that anger is different. It sounds like maybe he can't control his impulses when he gets that angry. I'm not suggesting he would ever hurt her, because I don't think that, but I do think acting that way suggests he has problems reigning himself in when he gets angry. Since the two of you have a good relationship, is there any way you might be able to discuss that with him? Could you explain that he would *never* treat you that way, and you think he should treat his children even better than he treats you?

 

[onlyzombiecat]

You are right that he has a problem expressing his feelings.
He doesn't act out anger this way with anyone else- just dd.
I do talk to him about it. I've pointed out in the past that he does not treat me that way. He hears it as criticism of him as a person, gets defensive and shuts down.
I'll look for some anger management stuff.

 

[Magella]

From your OP, it sounded to me like your dh has some real concerns about your dd's behavior and also is a kind of "immediate results oriented" person. And it also sounded like he is struggling with what he learned about parenting from his own parents-many of us have to unlearn what we learned from our parenting role-models, and many of us find ourselves automatically doing what our parents did because that's what we know. I wonder if it would help to address your husband's concerns regarding your daughter's behavior, to listen to his concerns and then together brainstorm some ways of addressing his concerns that both of you can live with. Would it help to find and share with him some information on her development and what behaviors are age-appropriate? Would it help you both if you can find a way to ask him to not do certain things not because he's wrong but because you are uncomfortable with them and you'd like his support (eta while you also offer to support him in addressing what he needs to have addressed wrt both your daughter's and his behavior)? Would it help if, when he does things like that, you do what you need to to comfort dd then give your dh some empathy too? Yk, "It's really hard when she does that and doesn't listen....I hear ya. It's tough." And then if he seems more calm and open you could suggest something both of you could try "you know, I was thinking that maybe if we....she might respond better." It sounds like he gets really frustrated and doesn't know what else to do, and sometimes some empathy goes a long way and opens the door to communication and problem-solving. Whatever you do, I think it's better to talk about this stuff when both of you are calm.

This book is very commonly recommended for people new to GD and those who value a more "in charge" approach (I see it particularly recommended for dh's): The Secret of Parenting: How to Be in Charge of Today's Kids--from Toddlers to Preteens--Without Threats or Punishment by Anthony Wolf. If he doesn't read, maybe you can and then you can have a discussion about it. I think it's a bit more "strict" than a lot of the GD discussion you see here at MDC, but it's gentle nonetheless in that the author really is against punishments, threats, yelling. It might be a good compromise for you and your dh.

On anger management:
10 Steps That Transform Anger

Anyway, that's a difficult situation. Best wishes. You'll get through it.

 

[Lisie]

I would highly recommend "Adventures in Gentle Discipline" by Hilary Flower. It is a La Leche League sponsored book. I love the book, personally. It is mostly anecdotes from parents which makes it very readable and so know one seems "perfect"---more of a philosophy to follow than anything else. I know it is ALWAYS hard to get the dh to read anything, I have that problem a lot. He will listen to me explain things to him (when not in the heat of the moment), but is very reluctant to read. Good luck with that! But it's worth a shot with this book.

 

[onlyzombiecat]

Those look like good book suggestions.

I guess I get frustrated with dh butting in to a situation that I felt I was handling and making it worse so I think I need to address my feelings about that too. The suggestions of asking for his support is probably a good start to that.

 

[MissRubyandKen]

I think I would, out of the moment, calmly point out that dd is displaying behavior dh has modeled and it would likely be very hard to get her to understand that breaking things when frustrated is not desirable unless that behavior, from dh, ceases.