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<p>8 months ago we lost our baby at 19 weeks pregnancy.  We have two boys ages 8 and 6.  Ever since we lost the baby we have been "trying" to no avail to get pregnant.  It has been heartbreaking for me.  Last night my dh told me in a very calm and serious way (and I can tell that he had rehearsed this with his shrink) that he does not want another child.  And he will not have another child with me.  He said his mind is made up and he will not change it.  He says he is getting a vasectomy.  He feels like the decision to have another baby must be mutual. He feels the decision to have a vasectomy is his decision since it is his body.  I feel like we made the decision to have another baby a long time ago before we lost our baby and we have been continuing to make the decision month after month of using no birth control.  He says he never made the decision to have another baby and he has just been waiting for the time when he felt I was strong enough to hear his real feelings.  He said he really didn't think I would get pregnant during all these months of unprotected sex.  I'm not sure why not.  I am so broken hearted.  It's not like we can revisit this decision.  I am now 40 1/2.  While I understand where he is coming from, I feel like he has taken away my hopes and dreams.  He has made a decision that affects the rest of my life.  He has ended my childbearing years.  I just don't know where to go from here.</p>
 

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<p>that sounds very difficult.  i'm sorry.</p>
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<p>of course, your husband has the right to decide what he wants to do.  you do, too.  it's a lot to think about, but you do get to decide what this means for your relationship with him, whether you will choose to continue trying without his assistance, whether you will explore fostering or adoption.  maybe those things sound crazy.  maybe you are so committed to this man and your marriage that, even though his decision hurts, you will decide to work on accepting his decision while you grieve the loss of your sweet baby and the end of your childbearing years.  my point is, he gets to decide for himself, and you get to decide for yourself.  it is the end of <em>his</em> childbearing years and you decide whether to accept it as the end of yours or to keep trying regardless of dh.</p>
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<p>fwiw, i do think he handled it in a decent way - it was going to be devastating news and there was no way around that.  it sounds like he kept it simple, direct and respectful (although i don't know how honest it was to say he never intended to "try" because it certainly sounds like you were both on board).  i'm sorry that he had a change of heart, and very sorry for your loss.</p>
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<p><span><img alt="hug2.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif"></span></p>
 

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<p>Thanks for the reply.  I think the thing that hurts the most is it isn't the end of his childbearing years, just mine.  He doesn't want to get a vasectomy.  He feels like if I were to leave him over this decision he wants to keep his options open.  He just doesn't want to have another baby with me.  He doesn't feel  like our marraige would survive it.</p>
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<p>Thing are so bad.  I think my marriage is ending.</p>
 

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<p>He wants to keep his options open, just not with you?  That speaks volumes to me and would break my heart.  I'm not sure I could continue in a marriage with someone who thought like that.</p>
 

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<p><br>
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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>mamapajama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283292/where-do-we-go-from-here#post_16129279"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Thanks for the reply.  I think the thing that hurts the most is it isn't the end of his childbearing years, just mine.  <strong>He doesn't want to get a vasectomy.  He feels like if I were to leave him over this decision he wants to keep his options open.</strong>  He just doesn't want to have another baby with me.  He doesn't feel  like our marraige would survive it.</p>
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<p>Thing are so bad.  I think my marriage is ending.</p>
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I'm sorry mama. When I read your OP I thought it was just him not wanting any more children at all, which is understandable. But he just doesn't want any more children with you and is okay leaving the door open for more children if you were to leave him? That I don't get.</p>
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<p>If it's because he doesn't think your relationship can survive another child, why not work on the relationship WITHOUT doing anything permanent about birth control? He can use condoms while you all work on your relationship and then decide together whether another baby is in the future.</p>
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<p>I'm sorry for the loss of your baby and I'm sorry you are going through this.</p>
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<p>ETA- my ex recently said something similar to me and it blew my mind. He has a new wife and a 1 year old son with her and she's due again in a couple months. He told me he was getting snipped because he was done having kids. He then mentioned that his wife is having a c-section and could get her tubes tied too but she's not done having babies so refuses to get her tubes tied. So he's done having kids and is getting snipped but she is not done having kids and refuses to get her tubes tied because she knows she'll have more kids. The relationship sounds far from stable.</p>
 

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<p>I have to say, I did the same thing as the ex - I had a c-section and they offered me a tubal because my doctor knew I intended (and still do) for DS to be my last child.  DH and I had talked about it though - if there was a tragedy and the kids and I vanished tomorrow, he would not care about having the opportunity to start over.  I have every intention of being married to him for the rest of my life and pray that is exactly how my life plays out.  I also know that sadly, life doesn't always go the way we plan and I was not willing to erase that possibility forever if we had a reasonable alternative.  He was perfectly happy to get snipped, and it was no comment on the stability of our relationship - just our reactions to a *very* remote possibility.    </p>
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<p>In the OP's case it is totally different though.  I agree with the poster who suggested that it would be prudent to put TTC on hold, as painful as that is, and focus on strengthening the marriage first.  Pregnancy, especially high risk, babies, toddlers are stressful in the strongest marriages.  I do think he needs to decide - does he want the current marriage, with or without more children, or is he already gone.  It isn't fair to live in that limbo. </p>
 

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<p>Can't get it below your quote, sorry.</p>
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<p>When ex's new wife was in the hospital laboring and then having a c-section ex was nowhere to be found. From what I heard (a family member worked in that very small hospital at the time so knew what was going on) ex showed up once when his wife was in labor for about 20 minutes and then left. Then he showed up after the c-section for a short time and then left again. Pretty much the same thing he did when I was in labor with ds. During the same conversation I just mentioned (about the getting snipped) he also laughed about how his wife was having major contractions and her mom was going to take her to the hospital because "she was cleaning the house for Owen's visit". When I asked if ex helped her clean he laughed and said "I didn't care if the house was cleaned, she did so she cleaned". Yes, he was laughing about the fact his wife was in extreme pain and having major contractions 2 months before her due date because he couldn't help to clean the house. <span><img alt="dizzy.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/dizzy.gif"> There are many other issues with their relationship, but the short of it is I'll be surprised if they last another 2 years. He seemed unfazed by the fact his wife was planning on having more kids without him (which is how he stated it, not that she was open to having more kids if ex were to die).</span></p>
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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>happilyloved</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283292/where-do-we-go-from-here#post_16129654"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>I have to say, I did the same thing as the ex - I had a c-section and they offered me a tubal because my doctor knew I intended (and still do) for DS to be my last child.  DH and I had talked about it though - if there was a tragedy and the kids and I vanished tomorrow, he would not care about having the opportunity to start over.  I have every intention of being married to him for the rest of my life and pray that is exactly how my life plays out.  I also know that sadly, life doesn't always go the way we plan and I was not willing to erase that possibility forever if we had a reasonable alternative.  He was perfectly happy to get snipped, and it was no comment on the stability of our relationship - just our reactions to a *very* remote possibility.  </p>
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<p>Could it be his reaction to the devastation the miscarriage and TTC have caused?  Maybe he just isn't willing to risk another one, because he sees what it has done to you.</p>
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<p>Very, very sad either way.  But I think he handled it in the best way possible given how devastating the news was going to be.  Could "leaving his options open" mean he is concerned about the health of your marriage and anticipating that it may fail?</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>cappuccinosmom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283292/where-do-we-go-from-here#post_16131046"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Could it be his reaction to the devastation the miscarriage and TTC have caused?  Maybe he just isn't willing to risk another one, because he sees what it has done to you.</p>
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<p>Very, very sad either way.  But I think he handled it in the best way possible given how devastating the news was going to be.  Could "leaving his options open" mean he is concerned about the health of your marriage and anticipating that it may fail?</p>
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<br><br><p>It sounds like these are playing into it.</p>
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<p>And while he is "keeping his options open," I don't think it's because he is planning to leave you. Only you and he really know that. But I would assume he is just being rational, realizing that you are older (I'm older, too and have had major infertility issues related to my age), and can not bear the thought of going through more losses, and assumes because of your age that this is the likely scenario. And as - at least you have stated - your marriage is rocky, he, again, is being rational about the possibility of having children later on down the road. As long as you are not tying your tubes, that option is also open to you if things don't work out with him, KWIM? My husband was willing to go through all of our losses because he, quite honestly, wanted another kid more than I did. I told him that this pregnancy was my final one, essentially shutting the door on his chances of ever having another kid if this one didn't work out. He understood because he has been through the losses with me and knows I have been MUCH more devastated than he has been. He has always kept a cool head about it all, been really supportive of me, in part, to help me get through the pain smoothly and want to try again. He is very very rational like that. I am highly emotional and irrational.</p>
 

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<div>I feel like we made the decision to have another baby a long time ago before we lost our baby and we have been continuing to make the decision month after month of using no birth control.  He says he never made the decision to have another baby and he has just been waiting for the time when he felt I was strong enough to hear his real feelings.  <strong>He said he really didn't think I would get pregnant during all these months of unprotected sex. </strong> I'm not sure why not. </div>
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<p>My guess:  it's called magical thinking.  Wishful thinking.  A lucky coincidence from his point of view.  He wanted to have sex and got lucky when you didn't get pregnant. Pretty irresponsible.</p>
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<p><span>Quote:</span></p>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>mamapajama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283292/where-do-we-go-from-here#post_16129279"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Thanks for the reply.  I think the thing that hurts the most is it isn't the end of his childbearing years, just mine.  He doesn't want to get a vasectomy.  He feels like if I were to leave him over this decision he wants to keep his options open.  He just doesn't want to have another baby with me.  He doesn't feel  like our marriage would survive it.</p>
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<p>Thing are so bad.  I think my marriage is ending.</p>
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<br><br><p>Why does he believe your marriage would not survive having another baby?   Is he fearful of dealing with another miscarriage?  Is he afraid for your health?  I guess I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, because otherwise his actions seem rather cruel.</p>
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<p>Thinking back on his actions for the past few months, have they reflected a man who genuinely wants to have another child?  What you describe sounds like he's made an abrupt change of mind, but that doesn't make sense.  I just imagine that he would have had to have worked hard to lead you to believe he was enthusiastically on board with having another child when his true feelings were quite the opposite.  Is it possible you were ignoring what he was really indicating?</p>
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<p>What a painful situation, that regardless of whether you have another child or not, it seems like your marriage is ending.  Is that really how it is?  Maybe counseling would help? </p>
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<p><br>
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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>mamapajama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283292/where-do-we-go-from-here#post_16090280"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>He says he is getting a vasectomy.  He feels like the decision to have another baby must be mutual. He feels the decision to have a vasectomy is his decision since it is his body. <br>
 </p>
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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>mamapajama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283292/where-do-we-go-from-here#post_16129279"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a>I think the thing that hurts the most is it isn't the end of his childbearing years, just mine.  He doesn't want to get a vasectomy.  He feels like if I were to leave him over this decision he wants to keep his options open.  He just doesn't want to have another baby with me. </div>
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i'm so confused by this - maybe he is the one sending you mixed messages?  but first you said his news was that he was getting a vasectomy.  that i could understand, and even though it is crushing, i do actually think it's his decision.  however, if he is not getting a vasectomy and saying he might want to have more kids some day, but just not with you, that is toooootally different.  and really uncool.  i would (like you) basically take that to mean that he was emotionally checking out of our marriage and preparing to leave.  what is he proposing in terms of birth control, if he's now saying he won't get a vasectomy?</p>
 
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