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Where to go?

640 Views 11 Replies 7 Participants Last post by  MidwifeErika
So I have been finding myself feeling like I am not reallly getting what I need here at in regard to pregnancy/birth support, and before you take that the wrong way, cause I *love* this place and refer all the mamas and clients I know here, let me explain.

I have one daughter born at 44 weeks after I was risked out of homebirth by the mw (thankyou!) for postdates. I ended up with surgery. So technically, I am VBAC and while I have some issues surrounding that, I have also healed very thoroughly both physically and emotionally, and feel like I am not carrying much bagagge to work through. In addition, all I did for three years after the surgery was learn about birth, read studies, listen to women, and such. I was subbed to ICAN which was a literal lifesaver for me, until it became time to move on at that point in my life. When I first was a mom and came here to Mothering, this place was exactly what I needed, and it felt like home among so many like-minded moms.

However, now I am wading through all these posts in various sections and I find myself too angry to respond at times (usually angry at the state of birth and the way women have bowed to the birth machine, and the way they have decided to think their bodies are broken). I see women having multiple tests routinely, getting routine D&C's, wondering how to induce, planning to show up at a no-VBAC hospital and try to buck the system during the most sacred moment of their lives, women saying they have no choices since their insurance will only cover xyz, women posting about why their bodies aren't dilating at 36 weeks, etc. Now I am not saying that this is the majority of the people, but it is enough that I feel it is taking my focus away from what I want. There would have been a time when I would have done work here by responding to those posts with accurate information, support and advocacy. Heck, I am a CBE and doula, ran an ICAN group even. But right now, during this pregnancy, I cannot stand to do the advocacy. I just want to tell it like it is, which usually sounds angry, short on patience and not very PC. So I don't respond. Plus I don't need to be doing advocacy, I need to be gestating and surrounding myself with strong, like-minded people who can support eachother along the way.

What I need is a online group of women who, while we may have slightly differing approaches to life and Spirit, are fairly consistent in their philosophy with birth.

So I am wondering where I can get that? Any suggestions? One of the UC groups? maybe HBAC? I was curious if I should resub to ICAN, but it is such a high volume list and quite frankly there is soooo much there that I get angry about too. It is like I feel I need a little club- how elitest am I? But if I was committed to non-religious unschooling, I would be choosey what community of homeschoolers I subbed to for support and ideas, right? Isn't this the same thing?

The other option is maybe just reading in this forum and no others in pregnancy/birth? I do have questions/need guidance at times, so it is important to me to find a good group.

I am grateful for this place... I just am not finding that I totally jibe with it right now overall.
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Maybe c-birth on yahoo would be a fit for you (or at least better than here). Good luck and I do think I understand where you are coming from. I have read several post about pregnancy/birth that have made me cringe. I don't think you are being elitest at all, I think you just are needing something only a specific group could give you right now.
There isn't any place that I know of. CBirth is even worse than here, IMO, because there are so many women who are UCing for reasons other than that they believe that birth happens best when unmanaged. For a large, open, public group, this UC forum is the best I've found, but you get it here too, because people come to UC for different reasons and at different points in their research (if they are doing research at all.)

My advice would be to start your own group. When I was pregnant with my third child someone posted at MDC about a yahoogroups "due date club" she was opening up for support for women who had all conceived within the fall of one year and held a certain philosophy of birth. She was very specific about what the focus of the group would be, and got about 30 responses from like-minded individuals.
I just want to be clear that the UC board here at MDC is pretty great but the other pregnancy and birth forums are not so much. I also didn't realize that about c-birth but I don't spend much time there.
Hmm... I like that about starting my own list, except I am so lazy and computer inept, lol! But maybe I will look into it. I was definitely thinking that I would miss the input from so many wise warrior women here, and was even daydreaming about just pming with them

AS for the UC board here... I really have not hung around much, so I have no judgement of whether or not it would be a good fit. It seems from what I have read that it answers questions mostly specifically about UC rather than general pregnancy/birth support for mamas. IOW, I don't see alot of posts like "Are you feeling baby yet" "What are you doing for exercise" blah blah blah, and rather they are more like "How do I get birth cert. for UC". So I guess I am hesitant to post all the other daily stuff here for that reason... Am I wrong?

I was subbed to CBirth for a while and I appreciated that there was quite a bit of technical help and suggestions... so maybe I will check it out again.

Keep your thoughts, replies coming, mamams! I appreciate them all and read them. Oh, and thanks for understanding(I hope) what I am saying. I could never leave MDC alltogether... I love that I have access to so many great mamas, ideas, and forums!
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We do discuss some pregnancy things like that in the UC support thread!!
IOW, I don't see alot of posts like "Are you feeling baby yet" "What are you doing for exercise" blah blah blah,
So start a pregnancy support thread.
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I think I understand what you are saying. For me while pregnant with both UCs I had to really tune out, even cbirth. This UC board wasn't around for my first UC, and all I did for my second UP was check into the support thread. All I could really handle for discussion was fluff. After some months after birth had passed, I could sink my teeth into the bigger issues again, birth or otherwise.
JesseMomme, me too. I found that once I allowed my pregnancy to be demedicalized, I had no heart for reading the technical stuff anymore. I had such a desire to just be pregnant without all the added stuff, to see what that would be like. It was very, very different. I felt way more tuned into my body, more in the moment. The experience was more authentic and felt more real than my other pregnancies had. Such a pleasure, so easy to just relax into it.
Hi ariahsmum,

I just joined today and first place I came was the UC forum.
I don't know if I'm feeling exactly the same way as you, but I've had 5 babies (1 at a birthcenter and 4 unassisted) and am pregnant with my sixth - planning another UC. So, I don't need much technical information and I'm really soured on reading other forums where UC is at best feared, and at worst condemned. Even the Bornfree/shanley UC forum is not quite for me as there are so many posts on prenatal care, measuring, tests, etc which is not what I do.

I think what I'm looking for is a group of mamas who are very committed to UC and UP or just a friend to write to occasionally for like minded support.

Feel free to email me anytime!

Maybe a thread on UC support would be a good idea too!

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I have asked some technical questions ( such as proof of pregnancy junk) but generally speaking I can hear you mama. I think some of that is needed for some people but I check in everyday looking for something new to get excited about and most of the time I see posts that honestly cause me to start kinda freaking out. So I find that I'm not reading as much as I'd like to. When I'm seeing all the stuff about hard core prenatal care for Up etc. I kind of panic like I'm doing something wrong even though I know Im not. I don't know I guess it's just easy to doubt yourself when you see those who are in the same boat as you going in the other direction.

I hope that sounded clear without seeming snotty because I truely LOVE MDC and this board here... I really do here you though.

I have no other suggestions as to where to hang out on the net. I tried the boards at Laura's site too and it just didn't pull me in. Maybe I should pay another visit?

So maybe you SHOULD start a thread for those of us here to hang out on? Then you're in control of the content. I'll join...
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There are a few yahoo groups out there that are pretty good places to go. Do a search for unassisted birth. 2 of the most popular I know of are c-birth and empowered childbirth.

I think it can be hard to find a balance between having a place to ask technical questions and a place that trusts that birth is normal. And I guess each one of us is looking for something a little different. Some want a place where everything is the medical end of UP/UC, some want political, some want a place where it is just accepted as the norm, and some want a mix of all the above. I don't think it is snotty at all to keep on looking for the perfect mix for you
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