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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've started to write this post about a million times, but as I wrote it I'd give up and erase the whole thing.

This is my first baby. I've wanted to be pregnant and then have a child for my entire life, honestly. This has pretty much been my only goal for as long as I can remember. And yet, right now, I'm feeling little to no enthusiasm about the entire thing. I am terrified about having a child. I don't feel like it's bad for me to admit that because I feel like anybody who isn't terrified should questions themselves. But my terror is sapping away my excitement and I don't really know how to deal with that.

Part of this comes along with the other things that are going on in my life. My husband was laid off from work three weeks ago today and, since we're moving to another state in a couple weeks, doesn't have another job. This means that for right now I'm the sole breadwinner for this family and basically we're totally frickin' broke. He doesn't seem to understand that what makes sense is for him to now be the one who concentrates on packing up our apartment for the big move. Instead he's been staying up late, playing video games, etc, while I go to work and pack us up. I'm very angry with him and can't seem to express it without yelling ... a lot.

And because of all the stuff with DH I've always been freaking out about having a baby with him. I'm afraid that once this child comes I'll just have two babies to deal with. I know this is a common fear/joke, but it also seems like women actually do it all the time. How do you deal with a husband who really just seems like a child?

Anyway. I've babbled enough. Suffice to say that I'm feeling totally mystified about what to do with all this stuff. I was so enthusiastic about being pregnant the entire time I was throwing up left and right. And now that I feel fantastic and I'm really showing and I should be excited ... I'm just not. It's bugging me out.

Thanks for listening.
 

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You sound stressed and no wonder...there are so many changes and you feel like (and probably are) responsible for everything. I don't have much advice but just wanted you to know that you're a strong woman and can handle this. Don't feel guilty about being overwhelmed or unenthusiastic. Your baby knows it's loved and can't read all the spinning thoughts in your head.

About the partner situation- maybe he's overwhelmed too and deals with it by escaping through fantasy. Do you have any friends who are good fathers that could come over and encourage him to pull his weight? I know my mr has been on both ends of this and it has helped a lot.

blessings!
 

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You are not the only one who feels this way with the first pregnancy!
I know I sure had similar feelings and I didn't have half the stress that you do right now... but the fact of the matter is that a baby = big changes for you, your partner, your life! It's hard to speculate how it will all work out.

On the very positive side, it DOES work out, millions of mothers can tell you, and it works out in a good way. :grin I think it can just be hard being pregnant because all of a sudden everything is out of your control. Plus all those hormones just don't help.

Don't beat yourself up; it will be okay and you all will come through this. Heck, you may even want to do it all again!!
 

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I had a lot of the same "two babies" fears... and to some degree, they came true. My husband escapes into video games, too. Before the baby came, we were encourage (by our Bradley teacher) to freeze meals if we won't be having help... and to FIND help with things like laundry, cleaning, etc after. My husband assured me that he would step up to the plate and do stuff.

And he didn't.

And it caused some REALLY rocky times in our marriage.

But you know what... we worked through it. He had a lot of fears about all the responsibility of being a parent, so rather than talk about them (a very woman-thing to do, generally speaking) he escaped into something - in his case video games (a very man-thing to do, again, generally speaking). Am I worried about it happening again this time? Yes... but I also know that he'll be getting a swift kick in the reality check a lot sooner this time. He has done better... he asked his mom to come and help us for a few weeks (we get along well, so that really is a good thing). He's realizing that the people he works for are looking out for themselves... not him like he thought last time... and he's stepping back a little as he can.

I'm rambling, now - but I'm just trying to let you know that the fears you have are real and good - you're mama instinct is kicking in already! His "dad-ly-ness" might take awhile to catch up. He's probably in panic mode with the move and lack of job... so he's doing something that he *can* control right now. That doesn't make it right... but to me that seems like what's going on.
 

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wow, you are dealing with quite a load right now. I would really talk to your husband about helping out - I went through this with my first pregnancy and it took a while for DH to "get the message", but eventually he did. As for life after baby is born, my husband tells all fathers-to-be how important it is to be at the birth and really spend as much time at home as possible to establish a strong bond with your child. The birth of our daughter was truly life changing for him and he really took care of us after a long, difficult birth. I think he didn't realize how much women go through to give birth until he experienced it with me. He told me he never knew how strong I was until then, and he said it, frankly, with more than a bit of awe and appreciation. Also, try to look forward to those exhausting, but magical first few months as a family. I think he'll pull through in the end, especially if he is there with you through labor, birth and the first few weeks.

Sending hugs your way.
 

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my dh was laid off a cpl months before my dd was born and it SERIOUSLY stressed me out too. i knew he was worried about finding another job, but he wasn't out there busting his butt to find one like i thought he should. (he played a lot of video games too.) i was planning on quitting my job after my maternity leave was up, but with him not working, i was so scared that wouldn't be able to happen. i ended up having a lot of anxiety and saw a counselor to talk about it all. dh went with me a few times too which helped us both get our feelings out on the table w/o yelling (because i was doing a lot of that too). thankfully he got a new job about a month before dd was born and i was able to quit my job and be a sahm and it all worked out. after dd was born, dh totally stepped up to the plate (as i knew he would) and is a great dad, but he does still play games and it is still an area of contention for us. i don't think he'll ever quit so i just try to allow certain times that i'm ok w/ his gaming as long as he still helps out around the house, etc.

i totally understand your frustration. i'd try to have a heart to heart with your dh and let him know why you are so concerned. maybe see a counselor together if you think it will help too.

things will get better, even if it seems horrible right now. i know the fear of the unknown is hard to deal with. even moreso when you are pregnant. but things will get better.

hugs to you!
 

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Oh mama - you sound as if you have waaay too much going on right now to be excited
It will come, I promise - when you have the time and energy to feel excited


It sounds as though your dh is having a hard time adjusting to being without a job...and the burden is all falling on you. Is there any way that you two could sit down and thrash out a list of the short-term goals...with a timeline? Just things such as: all out of season clothes packed up by x date, all kitchen cupboards packed up by y date? Something that you can both agree on that will give him a very tangible goal - especially if you are able to make it clear that you have the reasonable expectation that HE will do these things since you are working all day, and very pregnant.

I do understand the fear that you will end up having 2 babies to look after - it was a very real fear of mine too, and to some extent I was proved wrong thankfully. What I did realise was that dh and I had very different learning curves; being a mother was something I knew I was just meant to do, and that allowed me to draw on my intuition a lot. For Dh, becoming a parent was much more of a learned process to begin with, and that did mean that I had to 'teach' him, and lay out very clear expectations and goals for our parenting relationship. Soon, we were both able to use a combination of 'gut' and acquired parenting which took a lot of the strain off of me
:

Anyway, whatever the solution for you, I'm sending you lots of love and light, and best wishes for *peace* inside right now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Well, thank you all very much.

It is good to know that others of you have been through similar situations and made it through, happily and maintaining some level of enthusiasm.

I realized today that I'm also having a hard time because my body has become a stranger to me. I don't see myself in the mirror anymore, I only see my expanding belly. I'm sure that at some point that'll become more normal, but for right now it's still freaking me out. I don't feel in control and, completely honestly, I'm totally not!

I am really excited about all the stuff I have going on in my life but it does seem like maybe we could have timed it better. Perhaps getting married, moving to another state, starting a new job, and having a baby all within six months wasn't the greatest plan I've ever come up with. Eh, no matter ... I will survive. And I know that I will regain my enthusiasm.

But again, thank you all for your sympathies and well-wishes.
 

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My relationship has also had many downs since I became pregnant. I am sorry that you are having a rough time. Hugs to you and know that you will be okay.
 
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