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Or are we both?<br><br>
I'm the SAH, and DH does minimal around the house to help during the week (he does housework/projects on the weekend, but that necessitates me watching the LO). I do all the night-time parenting, and have to handle most naps on the weekends, too. Little guy has been really fussy the last 2 weeks, but I just deal because there's nothing else to be done, YK? Thursday I went out of town with the baby - 6 hours in the car round-trip, got home yesterday afternoon.<br><br>
So last night, after spending 3 hours in the car with a babe who didn't want to sleep - just screech, and all afternoon with a baby who wouldn't let me leave the room without screaming, DH came home. He told me he'd watch the babe and to go take a relaxing hot shower. And after that he was watching the babe and he told me to just relax a bit. So when our nightly milk donor called for me to come get milk, I went (she's about 3 blocks away). He knew where I was going, since we do this 4 nights/week. I was gone almost an hour... we were having a girlie gab session - nothing earth shattering, but I rarely get out of the house and have few friends, so it's a nice chance for me to socialize. (And I should probably point out that I tried to get him to go get the milk last night, since I had put on my pjs after my shower, but he didn't want to, so I got dressed and went.)<br><br>
As I was coming back home, here comes DH with the baby, steaming mad, coming to get me. Pissed because I was gone so long. When we got home, he dumped the baby in his stroller and left. Hasn't said 5 words to me since. Got up early this morning and left by 7 (usual Sat routine is he stays home with the babe while I go grocery shopping), was obviously still pissed, by the way he was stomping and slamming things. For some reason he seems to think that leaving me alone with the baby is some sort of punishment - not realizing that I do this every day, I guess...<br><br>
I'm refusing to get pulled into this fight this time (this is how our fights usually start - him stomping and slamming until I finally force the fight, so I get to be the baddie). I'm not feeling particularly inclined to apologize for leaving him alone with the LO for an hour, fussy or not. I was home in time to start the bedtime routine on time, so the baby wasn't affected.<br><br>
So which one of us is out of line here? Or are both of us? I definitely have my own opinion on the matter, but I really need to hear if I'm off-base.
 

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I think that he needs to grow up. A LOT.<br><br>
What does he think fatherhood is? Does he think that his only responsibility is to bring home the paycheck? If he didn't plan on actually <b><i>parenting</i></b> his child, perhaps he should have not helped bring a child into the world.<br><br>
I would not apologize, no matter what. I would not initiate a fight, either. I would ignore his childishness for now. Go on like usual. And be sure to leave early next weekend, before he can get out to "punish" you.<br><br>
You did nothing wrong. I mean, GOD FORBID you have one lousy hour to yourself!
 

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I also don't think you did anything wrong. He seems childish & immature, and he seems to think caring for his own child is helping you out, which is one of my own personal pet peeves.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>cristeen</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15360072"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">When we got home, he dumped the baby in his stroller and left. Hasn't said 5 words to me since. Got up early this morning and left by 7 (usual Sat routine is he stays home with the babe while I go grocery shopping), was obviously still pissed, by the way he was stomping and slamming things.</div>
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He isn't wrong for being overwhelmed and upset that you were gone longer than he expected. You aren't wrong for being gone an hour, either. That is simply a miscommunication, and irritation that happens when someone gets overwhelmed. Both of these things happen to couples all the time.<br><br>
He is wrong for the <i>way</i> he is expressing/handling his irritation. He's essentially having a tantrum, like a child. He should "use his words" lol, and express his feelings--rather than lashing out and then ignoring/punishing you.<br><br>
He sounds immature.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sunnmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15360302"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">He isn't wrong for being overwhelmed and upset that you were gone longer than he expected. You aren't wrong for being gone an hour, either. That is simply a miscommunication, and irritation that happens when someone gets overwhelmed. Both of these things happen to couples all the time.<br><br>
He is wrong for the <i>way</i> he is expressing/handling his irritation. He's essentially having a tantrum, like a child. He should "use his words" lol, and express his feelings--rather than lashing out and then ignoring/punishing you.<br><br>
He sounds immature.</div>
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I agree. I understand that he probably thought you'd only be a few minutes and I understand that you wanted to visit with a friend. Seems to me that it just needed to be communicated better. I can sympathise with him. It's hard when looking after a grumpy child and you're expecting SO to arrive at any minute and instead they're an hour. I do agree that he needs to talk to you about it instead of slamming doors, but maybe he doesn't actually know how to examine his feelings? It's easy to feel angry but it's harder to figure out *why* you're feeling angry. Don't know how to help you with that though, unless he sees it as a problem and is willing to work on it.<br><br>
Maybe instead of starting a fight you could tell him that you understand why he's angry and that it's OK to feel angry but that he needs to talk about it with you rather than sulking.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Learning_Mum</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15361168"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Maybe instead of starting a fight you could tell him that you understand why he's angry and that it's OK to feel angry but that he needs to talk about it with you rather than sulking.</div>
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i wouldnt even add the end part. i would do it like with a child. "you seem angry that I wasnt home when you thought i would be" "You seem overwhelmed right now". yes i do this with my husband. i figure no one ever taught them the words for what they were really feeling so i offer it to them like when i am talking to my children. i figure if i can help him figure out the real feelings he is feeling then maybe he wont always jump right to anger. to tell the truth, op's DH was prob mad at himself bc he couldnt make LO happy, and then took it out on the person who was gone longer than she said she would be. men see failure as shame and get aggressive about it.....
 

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I agree he's being childlike with stomping off and leaving instead of talking to you about why he is so irritated/stressed out... and, I think an hr with your friend is more than fine - But, I would have either told DH ahead of time so he wasn't expecting you to be right back, or I would have called him once I realized I was going to hang out for a bit. Just from experience myself, it annoys me to no end if DH isn't communicating with me where he's going and when he'll be back. Especially if I have grumpy kid(s). It's just common courtesy - even if I were the parent with more "breaks" so to speak, from working or being alone for awhile why he was out of town with the kids.<br><br>
In your situation, it sounds like you are the one who can calm the baby easiest - and that's been the same for us, so if I had called to see if it was cool with DH for me to stay at the friend's house and he was upset and stressed with the baby, I would have likely came right home to help.<br><br>
Anyhow, not excusing his reaction - b/c you two are partners parenting this baby - so he should be home talking to you about why he got so mad, instead of leaving and not speaking a word to you. Some men (and women) just cope with stress that way, though, and it sounds like he needs to be upfront with you about what he can take with the baby - as annoying as it is, there are certainly dad's who don't do well alone with LO's, especially when they are fussy and can't be consoled easily.<br><br>
Best of luck figuring it out. Fatherhood is hard for many - and he's only 7 mos. in... Mine was 20 when we got pregnant with our first, and he has grown up and learned a lot in the past 10 years (and 4 kids later).
 

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I don't think you did anything wrong, but I also understand why he was overwhelmed and unhappy when you were gone so much longer than he expected. A heads up ahead of time, or a quick call saying that you were chatting and would be back later than expected, might have made a huge difference. I think it's a communication issue and not an issue of anyone being unreasonable.
 

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This is what cell phones are for. "Hey hon, could you come home now please?"
 

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I can sympathize with him feeling put out that it took you an hour to do an errand that normally takes a few minutes. I don't think you were wrong to chat, but I have certainly been in the situation where I've been waiting for DH to come back from the grocery store when he's just picking up milk or whatever, and an hour later he's still not home - hard to know whether to be worried or grumpy when I'm simply "waiting" for him. (Last time he did that, somebody was chatting him up and he was having a hard time extracting himself).<br><br>
Well, anyway, I'd blow off the upset from that night, it's hard when you're stretching yourself thin and then everybody starts playing the "who does more?" game. But it's really childish that he's holding on to it for so long. It certainly should have been forgotten by morning.
 

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Whereas I think he has a right to be annoyed, I think his reaction was extreme.<br><br>
Do you think maybe there is something else bothering him that he's been manifesting?
 

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At some point in a fight, it no longer matters who's right or wrong, it's just important to figure out a way to move forward.<br><br>
I get really annoyed if DH doesn't show up when he says he will, and he gets annoyed with that sort of thing too.<br><br>
You have a right to chat with other people, he has a right to be told when you are coming back.<br><br>
Was he also upset about something else? You brought so many other things into why it was OK to be an hour late that really didn't have anything to do with it. Does he have a list too? Is this really a fight about something else? You need more time to yourself and he needs...........?
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">He isn't wrong for being overwhelmed and upset that you were gone longer than he expected. You aren't wrong for being gone an hour, either. That is simply a miscommunication, and irritation that happens when someone gets overwhelmed. Both of these things happen to couples all the time.<br><br>
He is wrong for the way he is expressing/handling his irritation. He's essentially having a tantrum, like a child. He should "use his words" lol, and express his feelings--rather than lashing out and then ignoring/punishing you.</td>
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This, exactly. I'm also a SAHP and I know what a thrill it can be to get out for an hour and just chat with another grown up. I also am somebody who really likes to know what to expect and I get frustrated very easily when DH is not home when I expect him to be--even if I've not clearly communicated my expectation to him.<br><br>
Personally, I would wait until he's done stomping around and slamming doors, then maybe use one of the great starter suggestions that PPs have made.
 

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Am I remembering wrong? I thought he was being abusive to you and you were thinking of getting out. Maybe I have another poster in mind, but if not, this just seems like more of the same. The cycle, revving up again.
 

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If this happened in my house, I would politely (or sarcastically <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">) remind my husband how many times he has done this to ME. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> and then move try to move on.
 

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I don't think either of you are wrong but I think his reaction was a bit extreme. Maybe there was something else bothering him? Not that his reaction would excuse that but just saying. I agree with the poster who said he should choose his words.<br><br>
DH and I go through this on occasion (I'm a SAHM too).Sometimes he's the one being immature and sometimes it's me. Maybe DH was worried you were gone for an hour since the milk donor is so close?
 

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I guess it boggles my mind that an hour or so to yourself would be a problem at all. Our little ones are the same age, and I have taken to going out to visit (usually family) to save my sanity pretty regularly. If DH were to begrudge me that much needed break it would not go over well. By the same token, he has plenty of time to head out on his own to recharge as needed.<br><br>
Of course, the sulking about on his part in the morning would have been met by a firm invitation to find a different place to be until he could be polite and civil to his family members.<br><br>
Why would it not be ok to leave your baby with his dad?<br><br>
"As I was coming back home, here comes DH with the baby, steaming mad, coming to get me. Pissed because I was gone so long. When we got home, he dumped the baby in his stroller and left. Hasn't said 5 words to me since. Got up early this morning and left by 7 (usual Sat routine is he stays home with the babe while I go grocery shopping), was obviously still pissed, by the way he was stomping and slamming things. For some reason he seems to think that leaving me alone with the baby is some sort of punishment - not realizing that I do this every day, I guess... "<br><br>
That sort of behavior though would absolutely not fly in our family. I refuse to be treated badly, and I'll be darned if my partner is going to teach our children to behave disrespectfully.
 

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He is being completely ridiculous. There is no reason you can't chat and take longer than expected. I'm sure your DH has done it before. Plus you said he got up early on Saturday and left (first slamming things around--did that wake you or your baby up?). He would likely have a fit if you did that to him.<br><br>
I do not agree with the PPs who can understand where he's coming from. It was an hour. With his own child. Ok he could be a bit annoyed, but to be steaming mad and still mad the next day? And to be coming to get you? I suppose I could understand if the baby was really inconsolable and in desperation he decided to bring the baby to you (and this would have to be without all the anger for me to find it understandable), but coming to get you like you are a child? He is being immature, selfish and disrespectful.<br><br>
I would definitely not get a fight going because that is what he wants.
 

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What does he think he is - your parent? That you were in "trouble" for chatting with a friend?<br><br>
He was home, with his own child. Why did he need you back so quickly?<br><br>
Stomping and slamming? It's time he realized you are not on his leash.
 
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