Mothering Forum banner
1 - 20 of 25 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,773 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Since my kids are not in school, I have almost never been apart from them. It's been 24/7 for 8+ years, except for 2 one week "vacations" with grandma a couple years ago for only one of them. I am afraid I'm going to have serious separation anxiety down the road. Has anyone else dealt with this? My older 2 are going to go visit grandma again, and one of them, I have never been away from, except once for 12 hours, and once when I had a baby in the hospital, when I was gone for about 2 1/2 days. But she was home while *I* was away. Now I'm going to be home while *she's* away.

Are your kids with you all the time? Do you wish they weren't :LOL ? Do you worry they're not getting enough time away from you (I'm talking older kids here, not babies/ toddlers)? Do you worry you'll have serious withdrawal symptoms when they do go their own way?

sign me a forlorn homeschool mama!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,681 Posts
This is me, for sure. I have been away from my eldest for ~36 hours three times (to have her three younger siblings) and from the middle siblings twice and once for the same reason. I've been apart from my 2 1/2 year-old for 6 hours once. My older kids now do occasional sleepovers when they're away for oh, about 24 hours, but that's it.

Oddly enough I don't feel any anxiety or wistfulness over the prospect of this changing. I always said I wanted to hold my kids close when they were little and then let them go easily when they got older -- but secretly feared the 'letting go' would be hard. It doesn't feel like it's going to be, though perhaps it's too early to tell. Still, we're all moving in that direction and it feels okay.

ETA: Missed replying to one of your questions. I don't worry that my kids don't get enough time away from me because they clearly don't want any more than they're getting. They prefer sleepover visits to last less than 24 hours and clearly enjoy being at home. Also, we live on an acreage and they have tons of privacy, independence and freedom at home, so it's not like they're under my watchful eye 24 hours a day.

Miranda
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,773 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I think sometimes, that since homeschool moms (usually moms) miss the rite of passage of sending their DC off to school for kindergarten, we're not used to the separation. DH is used to the separation due to work, and travel.

I always wanted the same thing, mooninmamma, to hold them very close when they're little, and to let them go easily when they're older.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,576 Posts
My kids are 7 and 8. We spend a great deal of time together and they never spend the night away from me. (My DH travels with his job.) We do not live close enough to family for sleep overs, and we've never had sleep overs with friends. I think my 8 year old would be ready if we had old friends that she had known for a long time and spent lots of time at their house, but since we just relocated for DH's job, that isn't that case. My 7 year old is not ready for sleep overs.

My kids do spend time away from me during the day at various acitivities or playing at someone else's house. Honestly, I love the break. This week they have day camp from 9:30 - 4:00 M-F and it is the most time I've spend away from them in one week! It's so nice and quiet and I feel so relaxed.


When my kids were tots I didn't need or want much time away from them at all (sometimes my DH would stay home with them while I went out alone), but at this point I love them being off doing something fun and just having the house to myself for a bit. I hope that I continue enjoying the increasing time I have to myself as they seperate into their own lives. I've had so little time to myself for so long that I'm ready for it -- just to read a book in the bath tub or whatever.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
539 Posts
i know how you feel. My kids are almost 4, 2, and due in October. My husband's parents sometimes (once or twice a year) take one kid (only 1 at a time, lol, they tried both once, and vowed it would never happen again) overnight, or my mom will take them for a couple of hours when i have an OB appointment, but that's the only time they're away from me. Sometimes i worry that all that closeness will damage them, lol, or what the heck i'm going to do with myself when they're older...but i dunno, i guess we worry about that when the time comes? I mean, when i had kids, my personality changed drastically, so i can hope that when they grow up and move away, i can adjust, and won't be a complete wreck, lololol.

(i guess my kids are still kinda young for this thread)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
172 Posts
OK, this is my first post, but I had to jump in. I have the chance to go away one night with some girlfriends and now I'm reconsidering it. My boys are 3 and 5 and the only times I've been away from them is when I've been in the hospital (which has been at the most two nights). I just know I'm going to miss them! I was excited at first but now that the date is coming up I'm actually having doubts about going.

I love being with them! I know some people don't understand that my husband and I want to do everything with them. We have a blast together! And I know in the future they won't want to be with us as much so I want to cherish the time I have with them now.

OK, I feel better...got that off my chest. And now I guess I've made up my mind. Palm Springs will always be there but my boys wont be young forever.

Jenny
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,867 Posts
My kiddos are 6 and 3.DD has been going on a yearly 10 day trip to AL/FL with grandma for the past 3 years.Other than that and a few classes a week she has been with me.My ds has been with me since the day I pushed him out of me in our bedroom!

I don't feel the desire to send them off to school(or anywhere) to have time to myself.My time is at night when they are sleeping. We really like being together. We are so happy that we are able to homeschool and continue to be together 24/7...not that every moment is perfect.

When the time comes for them to move out I don't see me having a hard time adjusting . I am sure I will have plenty to do around our homestead,and still plenty of learning to do.And then ofcourse there will be the grandkids
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,202 Posts
My older children have gone to sleepaway camp for a week every July since they were 10, and my sister sleeps at our place so my dh and I can go to a hotel together a couple of times a year. I wouldn't do it if I didn't have my sister. I would say by 20 mos they have all spent a night with her, but in our bed. I really appreciate that time, and I really appreciate my sister.

I think it will be hard when it's time for them to move out, but others have told me that when they are ready to go, it feels right to let them go. I allow myself a lot of leeway wrt sadness, transitions etc. I just wallow in it for a time...I am sure it will be difficult, but I'll be kind to myself when that time comes. Maybe plan some special things. Baby myself for a bit etc.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,845 Posts
This would be me, only away from dd#1 for 2 nights to have dd#2 and she did visit both days. I did work several part time jobs after dd#1 was born but before dd#2, however, daddy was always with her, no childcare.

Wouldn't have it any other way
Older dd is easing into more independent activities, I leave her at some of our homeschool activities, spends time over her cousin's or friend's, etc.

Dh has been away several times, a couple trips for boxing, truck driver school/job, etc.

mattemma04 said:

Quote:
I don't feel the desire to send them off to school(or anywhere) to have time to myself.....................We really like being together. We are so happy that we are able to homeschool and continue to be together 24/7...not that every moment is perfect.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
285 Posts
I think when ours were older, like over 10 was when they started going away to camp. A half-week this year turned into a full week next year. There was only one year when I had the oldest three away for a few days all at once, before the last one was born.

Boy was I bored. And lonely.

Yeah, they've pretty much been with us the whole time. We had 1.5 kids before we got married, so our honeymoon was only one night! We've never spent more than a week away from the kids, or them away from us, and not all at once.

The oldest talks about moving away next year, but loke a pp said, it's just feeling right. It's gradual as they get older they pull away more and find their own identities - and so do I.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
69 Posts
I have found that as they get older it is just a natural progression that they do more things independent from me. I say follow your heart. The day will come where you will feel comfortable separating. If that is not now, I would respect that inner voice. I do not think they suffer at all, in any way, from being with their parents a lot.
I have found that even though we are almost always together they are doing their own thing as am I. They slowly experience independence this way in the safety of your proximity. I LOVE homeschooling for this reason. I think my kids have such a wonderful opportunity to fully explore their world in this way. My oldest is now 15 and one day a week he apprentices for about 6 hours where I drop him off. He goes to band at the community college as well and sometimes I stay and other times not. I am very comfortable with this now. I would not have been when he was younger.

Hope this helps


Collette
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,562 Posts
I have younger kids but the only time I've been away was one slumber party when Abi was about 6 mos. old, and the times I spent in the hospital with Nitara and left Abi at home with dh. I have this big plan to go on a cruise with one of my best friends the year we both turn 40. It's going to be 8.5 more years but it's something I dream about on the bad days and it gets me through them.

We don't use sitters at all. First of all I can't justify spending $$ on a sitter at this point, secondly Nitara won't be left with anyone even if wanted to, and lastly there was a death in the family due to someone watching a baby so I am very nervous about the whole idea. Maybe when they are older I can leave both of them with my dad but he doesn't do diapers, so it will be awhile. :LOL
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,209 Posts
Wow.

Social Butterfly Girl is always off with someone. By 7 or 8 she was spending 4 or 5 days visiting our friends' farm a couple of hours away (where we later moved) and sleepovers started at 4 (with families who family bedded - she just tucked herself in with them).

To each his own, I guess.

Dar
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,362 Posts
I couldn't be with my kids all the time like that...no way.

My kids spend time away from me quite a bit, going somewhere or spending the night with someone (they are 3 and 7 btw), they do a lot of things without mommy always with them. Actually I consider spending time with other people away from me part of learning, they learn new things anytime they are with other people. Sleepovers with family started at 3 years old.

I NEED time away from them, I am more than just a mother/ homeschooling mom. Me and dh have date nights once a week (or at least every other week) and I have interests of my own that I like to pursue without my children always tagging along. I love them to death but don't want to spend 24/7 with *anyone*.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
730 Posts
Add me to list!!!!

I have rarely been away from my babies. My DD is 5 and have been away long enough to have a root canal and deliver DS #3. She was with me at the birthcenter when I had DS #2. Oh and I almost forgot a few hours here and there when she went out with just daddy to the store.

DS#2 is 2.5. I was away for the whole root canal thing and to take my daughter trick or treating . He was a month old and it was super cold. Then again when I had DS#3. That was only for a whole 10 hrs.

As for DS#3 who is 11 months....Never.

I enjoy being with my children. They are only young once. Like another mama said not every moment is great but i wouldn't have it any other way!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
53 Posts
At first, I was never away from them, especially when they were very young. As they are getting older, however, I find the little breaks great.

We are also homeschoolers and with each other practically 24/7. As they have grown, I've taken afternoons to have lunch with friends, and they have time with daddy. I also enjoy taking my own "homeschool classes" - jewelry, sewing classes, etc. These are usually only 2 hours at a time.

My oldest daughter, almost 7, has started separating on her own. She started karate class 3 - 4 days a week. It's nice to see her going out and doing new things!

I think as they grow - they will develop their own interests away from family and home - it's just part of growing up. Allow them to do little things and the separation anxiety won't be so hard.

I also find that if you don't have some time for yourself - some down time to reflect on yourself as a human being (not someone's mother, wife, SO, etc) it makes it much harder to be a quality parent. Your child(ren) should see that you have interests too!

Cara
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,490 Posts
My kids are 4 and 1. I've never been away from them, except for about three hours, I guess. Actually, let me modify that statement. I was a WOHM for three months with ds1. After I became a SAHM, I have not been away from them for more than a few hours.

I'm not doing it to prove some big point or anything. It just doesn't feel right yet for them to be away. Ds2 can't be away from me for too long, because he still relies on my milk for the vast majority of his nutrition. Ds1 was the same at his age.

My 4yo is still very attached to us and wouldn't do well being away. He still sleeps in our bed and everything.

When they're older, I'm sure they'll do stuff like this. But it hasn't happened yet and, honestly, I like it this way. Dh likes it this way too. We've skipped things, because neither of us are comfortable with babysitters yet, but neither of us mind. Dh has said that he doesn't want to go places without them yet, because we all like hanging out together. There will be plenty of time for it in the future, I'm sure.

ETA: Dh and I both get time to ourselves; we take turns on this. So, even though I'm with the kids most of the time, I do get time to myself. And my world doesn't completely revolve around them. I have my own interests and hobbies and they see me pursue these at home, just like they pursue their own interests. No one is martyring themselves for anyone, but we do spend most of our time together. We get on each other's nerves sometimes, but we like our arrangement. They're so little still, so naturally, dh and I do sacrifice a lot for them in these early years, but we're not martyrs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,845 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by LeftField

ETA: Dh and I both get time to ourselves; we take turns on this. So, even though I'm with the kids most of the time, I do get time to myself. And my world doesn't completely revolve around them. I have my own interests and hobbies and they see me pursue these at home, just like they pursue their own interests. No one is martyring themselves for anyone, but we do spend most of our time together. We get on each other's nerves sometimes, but we like our arrangement. They're so little still, so naturally, dh and I do sacrifice a lot for them in these early years, but we're not martyrs.
Thank you for putting that out there, ITA
I was feeling a bit on the defensive and did not have the energy to explain further
 
1 - 20 of 25 Posts
Top