[hotharmony]

So I have been struggling with this question since DS was born. When DS was born there was 14 people who showed up the the hospital and waited around my room while I was trying to labor. Including my young nephews, my father in law and my grandma. All people who I love, with the exception of FIL who is just annoying at all times, but don't really need them distracting me from laboring.<br><br>
I think having all of these people there lead to a slow down of my labor. And people are already starting to ask me who will be there this time. In addition to the people who where there last time my husbands aunt and her daughter want to be there as well.<br><br>
I am feel very torn, I am going to put my foot down and say for sure no men except for DH. But in all honesty I don't want anyone there but DH and my mom. Plus someone to watch DS. How do I tell the rest of the family this although most of them think they are just automatically going to be able to be there?

 

[Melly24]

We're not telling anyone until the baby is born. We wont be letting anyone know I'm in labour either as I dont want to feel watched. With DD thay all hung around the hospital wanting to meet her and I had barely got my hands on her myself <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"> NOT happening again!<br><br>
I expect they'll feel put out when we tell them that we'll call them once the baby is born, and then let me know when they can visit. No visiting right away. They'll get over it. This is too important to us to compromise.<br><br>
As the the birth (at home) we are having DH, a midwife, midwife assistant and a friend of mine who will help support me and watch DD if she is home/wakes up/needs support etc.

 

[Monarchgrrl]

Wow! 14 people? I would just say, "We're going to do it privately this time. We'll call you when you can come visit". They can deal with it.<br><br>
We're planning a home birth, so it'll only be me, DW, midwife and assistant, doula and my mom (but she's agreed to only come to be the photographer/videographer in the corner- I don't really want her to be all involved). Even that many seems like so many to me.

 

[Melly24]

What about sending them an email? Just say you would rather do it privately this time and you'll let them all know when the baby is here. Then you wont have to deal with confrontation directly.

 

[Angela_Petree]

dh only

 

[FtMPapa]

This is totally freaking me out.<br><br>
I am planning a in-hospital birth center birth, and I keep hearing all these stories about all these nurses rushing in and stuff, and I am going to have a conversation with my midwives about it.<br><br>
So far, in addition to whatever medical personnel are expected, I think it will be a doula and the doula's assistant/personal support person (the doula's doula!) and that's it.<br><br>
Really, I can't imagine having a tonne of people there. I'm still thinking about switching to a home birth, that was my original plan, and then I somehow got distracted. In that case, it will be doula, doula's doula, midwife, assistant, and maybe one close friend. Which still sounds like too many to me, so I may well kick people out.

 

[rparker]

My husband, possibly a doula (unlikely), and whatever hospital staff legitimately needs to be in the room... my husband did a pretty good job of booting overly zealous nurses last time.<br><br>
I used to want our daughter to be there and I have since changed my mind. My big issue now is figuring out who will watch her.

 

[hyz]

For the serious labor and birth, I definitely only want DH, the doula, and necessary medical staff. I could not imagine having anyone else there for those parts--it is too private and vulnerable, and I have no need for spectators or people to be sitting around socializing. Heck, last time I spent most of the hard labor and birth in the tub naked (both at home and in the hospital), so I DEFINITELY wouldn't be having anyone else there.<br><br>
Last time, our plan was to call my parents (who are divorced) as soon as delivery looked imminent (like, after I was fully dilated), so that we could have a few private hours after the baby was born to bond and chill while my parents made the 4 hour drive to see us. We told them NOT to come until we called. Well, my dad and his wife decided to ignore that request, and when they called our house and we didn't answer, they called the hospital and learned we'd been admitted, and just started driving up. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"> So they got there while I was in labor and were sitting around all antsy in the waiting room waiting for DD to be born. They also brought my dad's wife's son, which they did NOT clear with me beforehand. When DD was born, she had to be rushed to the NICU for oxygen, so they saw her being wheeled down the hall by herself, and they all piled in to the delivery room where I was, wet, sweaty, naked, with bloody sheets on the bed, exhausted from a really long labor/delivery, not having slept or eaten in over 30 hours, and I'm there trying to pull the sheet up to cover my nakedness and straighten my hair and figure out who the H3LL let them in. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"> I mean, I had only met my 23 year old "step-brother" a few times (his dad and my mom had just recently gotten married), and here he was seeing me in this state when he was never invited. THEN, my mom shows up a bit later and is all PO'd because she thinks we called my dad first and left her out in the cold, when really she's only later because she actually followed our directions. So I'm STILL laying there naked under my bloody sheets and trying to make small talk and ease the tensions between my parents, who hate each other, and MEANWHILE my brand new DD is down in the NICU all by herself because the stupid hospital staff couldn't find me a wheelchair to get me down there, and DH didn't want to leave me to fend for myself with my parents and company. Ooooh, I still get mad every time I think about it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"><br><br>
So I don't know what we're going to do this time. It would be easy if we didn't need someone to watch DD. I'd just tell everyone to stay home, and we'll call them AFTER the baby is born and arrange a time for them to come visit separately. But we don't have anyone local who can watch DD for us, so I think we're going to have to have my mom or someone up here on baby watch around the due date. Honestly, though, my mom isn't the most helpful or comforting person, and I don't want to be around her when I'm in labor, so I wish there were a better solution. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">

 

[Aimsley9]

hyz, I could not even begin to imagine how upset I would have been in your shoes. Hopefully things will go much better for you this time.<br><br>
As for me, only DH and necessary medical people will be there. With DD#1 my mother waited in the waiting room. She came in moments after I had DD and preceded to stay for hours and hours. I thought she would visit a bit and go home. So for the last two we called when we were ready for visitors. Even than she stayed longer than I would have liked.<br><br>
This time, if my kids can't come to the hospital (because of the whole swine flu thing) We will be having no visitors in the hospital. It is my last one and I am going to be selfish and not feel bad about it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">

 

[erthe_mama]

The only people we want there are DP, DD, and I plus the midwife and her assistant and our doula. However, we'll have three roommates (Yep, BIG house. lol) and we're not sure what we'll do with them when the time comes. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy">

 

[JessieBird]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Monarchgrrl</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15354137"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Wow! 14 people? I would just say, "We're going to do it privately this time. We'll call you when you can come visit". They can deal with it.</div>
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Yup, that! It'll be easier than you think I bet. You just have to say it and get it over with. I agree with not telling anyone until you are ready for visitors. Or maybe have DH call when baby is getting really close (if you are okay with them showing up soon after) as a compromise so that the don't feel entirely left out. Hopefully your labour will be so quick that there won't be any time to tell anyone and then it won't matter.<br><br>
If you're really worried about a confrontation, what about this - don't say anything ahead of time but don't tell them when you are in labour either. Call soon after and tell them all that when the time came you were feeling nervous or that the labour was difficult or something like that to excuse the delay in calling.<br><br>
I find it so shocking that some people just assume they can show up uninvited for the most intense, private, magical times that a woman and her partner can experience.<br><br>
AFM, it will just be my DH and our midwives at our birthing centre, and their policy is to leave us alone as much as possible. Last time my mom was also there but I must admit I invited her so that she'd have the experience not because I really wanted her there. I don't regret it but I'm glad that she'll be busy looking after DS at home this time.

 

[Motherto4]

I have a really awsome Dr and family. My Dr is very low key and sits on the bed to deliver the baby. No bright lights or anything. She would tell people that they needed to get out if I needed them out or if she felt they needed to get out.<br><br>
In all my births I have had a lot of people waiting in the waiting room but only me, my husband, my mom and his mom in the room when delivery is here. This time I'm going to try to stay home untill the last minute. I enjoy seeing people at the hospital, but for the first few hours I pretty much hold the baby. With my last one she nursed for 45 minutes within the first hour and a half of Birth. Then they took her to the nursery to weigh her and all that and I took a shower and walked down to see her. I even got to giver her, her first bath.

 

[outlier]

I'm a very private person and know already I'm going to hurt some feelings when the time comes because I do not want anyone going to the hospital other than me and dh. I think even having people out in the waiting room would put pressure on me that I just don't want to deal with. If anyone shows up uninvited (which will be anyone who shows up), I don't envision myself being at all kind about the fact that they have to leave RIGHT THEN.<br><br>
I'll probably allow my parents to start the 8 hour drive to our house and stay there once it's clear the baby is on its way. It'll be trickier with my MIL, who will likely be staying with us for several months, but hopefully she'll be okay staying behind at the house as well until we're ready for visitors.

 

[oliversmom7213]

I know what you mean about people showing up. With Ds it was going to be just me and DH. I ended up breaking my water at my shower my MIL was throwing an hour and a half from our hospital. My parents were out of town so I called my brother and he said he was coming non negotiable. Which at that time I was like sweet ok. We got to the hospital and no sooner as I got out of the car my MIL was right there. So it was me, DH, MIL, FIL and brother. I got in the tub for a while as my contractions were 1-3 mns from the get go and when I got out and was really hurting my MIL sister was in the room. WTF???? Who even called her? She left as soon as she saw I was in such pain trying to get a hold of each contraction and I didn't even ack she was there. After my epideral my Inlaws left to get sleep and dh, me and my brother slept in the room. Inlaws came back to wait for the birth with my brother while I pushed. I'm actually thankful my brother was there as he did all the running for us while DH stayed and helped me. This time though it will be Dh and my mom. (she is also very good at demanding nurses and staff around and kicking out unwanted visitors). My dad will watch DS. I've already told my parents from week 34 on they are to stay in the state of iowa since I went at 35 weeks with ds. The real kicker was that DS was transfered to another town to a NICU and my inlaws beat us there and they let them in the room without our permission!!! When I should up the staff made such a big deal of me filling out paper work to specifically tell them who can visit, and who is allowed if I'm not there, yet the let my inlaws in before I showed up??? And i only got to see him for maybe 30 mins combined before he was transfered. OHHHHH I'm still pissed.

 

[ILovePie]

In this instance, we're lucky to be so far from family - but I am hoping that my in-laws will be here when I go into labor because a) I anticipate I'll be on bedrest and will need help before the baby arrives, b) they're the best people to be with DS, especially if I'm gone overnight, and c) they would be the most respectful of us saying "do not come until we tell you to."<br><br>
When DS was actually born, my hospital room filled up like a sports stadium. I think there were over a dozen people - all medical staff except my DH and doula! Most of them were NICU staff because I'd had such a hard labor/delivery and had had a dose of narcotic, so the policy was that the baby go to the warmer right after birth (don't get me started on how unbelievably stupid this is - he could have been evaluated on my chest and taken away if needed. He wouldn't have needed to be taken away because he didn't really need any help!).<br><br>
Anyway, I'm planning the same this time - DH and this time two doulas. I'm delivering at a different hospital, so there will be fewer people in the room - namely fewer medical students/interns. I'm hoping it'll just be DH, two doulas, my OB, and a nurse.

 

[CherryBomb]

Man, I'm glad I don't have to deal with this! Sorry for you that do <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
It'll just be me and dh until after the baby is born, then we'll call whoever we want to come over. My mom will have the kiddos during the delivery, she'll be the first one over!

 

[ocelotmom]

I've been at a number of births with many people in the room, and I can think of only one case (with an epidural) where it actually felt helpful. I feel like people these days tend to feel that they're entitled to be at the birth, and don't realize that the mother's comfort and safety is important to the progress of a natural labor. I think that's especially true of males - a male family member may be a good source of support ordinarily, but there are strong incest taboos, and that can be inhibiting. It also seems to me that, when there are other people in the room, the woman has a much harder time focusing inward, and feels obligated to interact with others and look out for their welfare/happiness.<br><br>
I plan to have whatever medical people are in attendance, DH, and possibly a female friend. Another friend may be in and out with the kids, but I don't want her at the actual birth, and i'm undecided about the kids (which will probably be true up until the actual event). I thought maybe I'd have DS at DD's birth, but when it came down to it, he was really awfully distracting.

 

[mistymama]

I hope it's only going to me, the doula and dh for the acutal birth. During labor I expect my Mom to possibly be around and also ds .. she'll be taking care of him for me. He's going to be nearly 8 when this one comes and I do plan to ask if he wants to be at the birth .. I think he's old enough to choose and I don't feel he would inhibit my birth in anyway.

 

[honeybee]

ds1: dh, me, doula, doc, nurse, resident---the resident was like an annoying little puppy dog, so excited because he'd never seen someone show up at 6cm, get no epidural, and have a baby vaginally two hours later. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
ds2: homebirth w/ dh, my mom watching ds1, a photographer friend, and another good friend. Oh, and mw got there in time to catch his body after his head was out. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> MIL showed up a few minutes after birth. It was chaotic as my birth went really fast.<br><br>
ds3: homebirth w/ dh & mw (arrived about 15 minutes before baby this time). It was perfect. We woke the kids up afterwards to meet their new baby brother, see him get weighed and measured, and check out the placenta.<br><br>
Plans for dc4: dh, mw, mw assistant (also a friend). Possibly the boys and my mom to watch them, depending on what time of day birth occurs. May still want a photographer, too, I haven't decided. Dh got some pictures for ds3's birth, but it's not the same as the beautiful set I had for ds2. It will probably depend on how things go. I birth fast, so it kind of depends on who makes it there.

 

[hyz]

So, I have a question for those of you who had parents, in-laws, friends, and other random people attend your labor and delivery. Were these unmedicated births, or were there epidurals, etc. involved? I haven't had a birth with an epidural, but I understand that sometimes they can be quite boring during most of the contractions, and you could actually fall asleep or use company to keep you entertained. And were all these various people down at the business end of things watching the baby come out, or did they have strict orders to stay up by your head or across the room or whatever and not get to see the show? I don't even let my mom see me naked--I can't imagine my MIL or even a dear friend or something watching the baby come out.<br><br>
My experience of natural labor and birth last time was this--as soon as contractions got serious and hard to deal with, I got in the tub (naked, as clothes made me more uncomfortable) and I did not want to get out, and I did not really want to converse with anyone. My DH and my doula were there to do things like hold my hand or tell me I was doing great or offer me water or whatever. As contractions got harder and harder, I went from silence through them, to moaning like a cow, to "oh god oh god oh god", to practically screaming "f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck" through every one of them as my doula tried to talk me down and help me get back in control of my body. Then, when transition was over, I moved from the tub to the hospital bed, where I proceded to push for 4 HOURS, getting in different positions to try to find one that would work, and straining my whole body so much during it that I was sore all over for weeks. I cannot imagine a single person in the world other than my DH and trained professionals who I would want to witness all of that. Maybe some people's moms are more helpful than mine, but she doesn't go for the natural birth thing, and I know as soon as she saw me in pain she'd be nagging me to get the epidural and trying to convince me that what I was doing was wrong and unnecessary, and then she'd be bugging the hospital staff to come in and take another look at me when what I want is LESS intervention, not more poking and prodding, and I do NOT need to deal with that while I'm trying to have a baby.<br><br>
So I think I figured what we'll probably do this time. As soon as contractions start getting serious and I need DH to focus on me, we'll call the neighbors and ask them to take care of DD (of course, we'll clear it with them first, but I think they'd be happy to help). At the same time, we'll call my mom (who will know to be on standby for this), and have her start making the 4 hour drive up to our house, so she can pick DD up from the neighbors and stay at our house while we go to the hospital to have the baby. Once the baby is born, we'll call her and she and DD can come to the hospital and see us. I'm just hoping that everything goes much faster this time, and that it's not a 30+ hour deal like last time, because that will mess up our plans a bit.