[vegasgrl]

I've been really struggling with this the past few days...I don't have anyone to go through labor with. It's actually really depressing. The father took himself out of the picture as soon as I decided to keep the baby. I haven't made any good friends in Vegas since I moved here (which is odd for me; I was in 13 weddings in my 20s). I do have one good friend, but I don't feel like I know her well enough to ask her to play such an important role here. The whole thing makes me really, really sad. I feel seriously pathetic.

I don't think I could deal with having my mom around, although having her sister (my aunt) is a definite possibility. However, my entire family lives in Detroit, a 4-hour plan ride away. How the heck do you plan something like that? Do they just come at 38 weeks and plan on staying till 42? Ugh. I couldn't deal with my mother for that long. My aunt works for an airline and could just hop on a plane when I went into labor, and we could hope she makes it, but that sounds like a terrible plan. (Although maybe it would karmically speed up my labor, since my aunt actually making it in time would defy Murphy's Law...)

Also, I know I'll need help after giving birth, but there's a huge part of me that wants some time to get to know my baby without the stress of anyone there. I'm only 9w and I'm already sick of people telling me what I should and shouldn't do. How on earth do I reconcile those two realities?

So help me out ladies...who went through labor with you? What did you do afterward? How did you get to know your baby as a single mom? Is it in any way realistic to think I could do this all alone? (I'm pretty sure that last one will make you all

but I'd love to hear some stories if anyone DID do it, or at least try!)

 

[Mountaingirl79]

Just wanted to pop in and reply real quick..I'm not a single parent now but I was at one time....I still lurk over here.

I think finding a doula that you really like and can trust would be great to have in your birthing room.
IMO, having anyone in there that you feel like might get on your nerves is a big NO, even if it is your mom.
If you want your aunt to be there and you think she would fly out with little notice, then definitely try to work that out. Firstborns usually take forEVER to arrive. ( My first baby: 22 hours of labor. My second: Four hours. ) So you will probably have plenty of time for her to get there and give you added support.
Also, you might meet someone new in the next 9 months that you just click with, and want to be a part of it.. You never know..

Hugs, and YES YOU CAN DO THIS!!

 

[Lynn08]

blech

What a crappy situation to be in. Have you thought about a doula? That way you would have someone you trust during the labor/delivery and at least a few days pp or until your aunt can get there.

Congrats and good luck!

 

[Rosehip]

I'm so sorry you're feeling lonely now. I had my mother and X with me for both births.

My X was a jerk for both, I regret that he was there (he told me I hadn't given birth, but that "they" had "cut DS out of me" after I ended up w/a c/s, and bragged about how he'd "behaved" b/c he hadn't been actively obnoxious to me w/my 2nd like he had w/my 1st. He basically ignored me and sighed w/boredom. argh).

I think you've got options! First, I'd say try to find a doula. If money is an issue, there are often novice doulas who have lower rates or some more experienced doulas who work on a sliding scale.

I think getting your Aunt there is a nice idea. Don't fixate and depend on it, but it could certainly happen - call her, and if she's not there for labor, she'll be there shortly after the birth. From my first contractions to her popping out, my first labor was probably 30+ hours (25 from the time my water broke).

Are you due in Nov? In terms of friends, a lot may happen between then and now. I'm not saying go out looking to make a BFF to be your labor buddy, but what with all the changes in your life, you don't know how relationships may change, and some may flourish.

 

[Juvysen]

Coming in from new posts (I had seen your original "omg, I'm pregnant" post...)

You might consider finding a local mommy's group to start attending? I don't know if this is true other places, but my area has like 4 online forums for mommies. A couple of the groups are usually into supporting new mommies by bringing over dinners, or offering help, etc. It might help you out during your first few weeks pp - especially if you get to know some of them first? Even if they don't do that kind of thing, it could still be helpful to have local friends that have kids.

Anyway, just a thought. I like the doula idea, too, though.

 

[Rosehip]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Juvysen Coming in from new posts (I had seen your original "omg, I'm pregnant" post...) You might consider finding a local mommy's group to start attending? I don't know if this is true other places, but my area has like 4 online forums for mommies. A couple of the groups are usually into supporting new mommies by bringing over dinners, or offering help, etc. It might help you out during your first few weeks pp - especially if you get to know some of them first? Even if they don't do that kind of thing, it could still be helpful to have local friends that have kids. Anyway, just a thought. I like the doula idea, too, though.

Yes, this is a great idea! My local LLL group often organizes meals for new mamas who are members. Going to meetings while pregnant is also very nice & helpful, IMO.

ETA: Do what you can to minimize your risk of a c/section - your best bet is going w/a midwife attended homebirth, but if you're not up for that, a midwife in a birthcenter, a midwife in a hospital, or a family practice doc. If you go w/an OB, try to find someone with a LOW c/s rate, and a LOW induction rate. Recovering from a c/s isn't fun, especially if you don't have someone to help you out.

 

[odjmama]

I totally recommend doulas. Mine was incredible. I had an excellent midwife but the doula added a lot more to the birth. My x was there. He was okayish. If you hire a doula, you will know (barring disastrous emergencies) that she will be there. Most doulas have a free interview, so you can shop around until you find one that you click with and like. Definitely do not want any one around who is normally annoying because a laboring mother can be easily annoyed. My mom and I just don't have the 'come to my birth' relationship. She said to not even tell her when I was in labor, just call her when it was over. [luckily, she's great in many other ways]

 

[BunnySlippers]

I laboured alone(well me and my baby) and liked it. FWIW I laboured for 3 nights. I also went through my pregnancy on my own.
I wish I had of birthed alone too

I called my sister up when I was ready to go to the hospital (2.5 hrs before dd was born).
I don't know what it is exactly...at the time it wasn't too bad having her there, but on reflection...I have regrets. She wasn't helpful and I found it hard to find that 'centre' I had when I was labouring alone.

As for getting to know my baby afterward? It was so much eaiser on my own than if I had to share her, or rely on someone else for help. Just you and your babe, its pretty sweet.
You just do it, because you have to, and when your actually doing it, its easy. Well most of its easy, there are always challenges.

When I came home from the hospital, I cleaned the house, made some food, grabbed some water and settled into bed with a book.
Things that make it easier- put a TV and DVD player in your bedroom, as well as some books and magazines. Have a jug of ice water by your bed- if you are nursing you will be VERY thirsty. Have a bunch of snacks by the bed. Keep baby in bed with you and supply of diapers, wipes and garbage by the bed. This way you don't have to get up if you don't feel like it, or are tired. Sleep whe babe sleeps.
If you have visitors, don't be shy in telling them your needs.

If you are a people person and really need someone, then find a doula, or maybe there are some moms from here in your area you can meet and get to know. That would be cool.

Otherwise, I would suggest you come to peace with doing this on your own. Your a woman, your strong, you can do this

 

[trinity6232000]

Okay, I was a total mess during the end of my pregnancy. I didn't plan anything except where I would be. I didn't take any classes, didn't read any books, I was big time in denial.

So I go into labor, two weeks late, it's 2am, and I'm living with my parents at the time. My Dad and my Mom drive me to the hospital. My ex's (broke up during my pregnancy) Aunt and Uncle have always been a big part of my life, and have no children. Aunt wanted to be at the birth, so I called her on the way to the hospital. Then I called my best friend (who I hadn't planned on calling before) and asked him to please meet me at the hospital to keep me sane, he did.

Well then while I am laboring, my Dad calls my brother and sister, they arrive, my sister brings her two kids. The room was full of people, and I seriously wanted to kill every single one of them.

If I did it again, I would have Aunt, and close friend, and drove myself. LOL. I would get a doula, I would keep it simple. In the end, I feel for myself it would have been far better to have a caring stranger than my family. Love my family to death, and have awesome memories of my Mom (who has since passed) being there during labor, BUT for my best well being, I wish it had been simple and quiet.

 

[jt'smum]

I agree with having a doula. I had one with my first and she was awesome. When I was in labor with my second I had my mom and to be honest wanted to be alone, untill my heart rate started dropping as did babes.. The LLL is a great idea as is the mommy group. If you do it alone you will be fine and the nurses will help as much as possible..Like someone else said you are a strong woman and can do it!!

 

[Avani]

I labored alone and birthed alone with my 5th babe when partner had disappeared. I also had to go postpartem alone too with all 4 of my other kids in the house with me. That i don't recommend but i didn't have a choice. This time i am alone with 5 young kids and pregnant with 6 and no partner. No family either. Well i do have a mentally ill mother but that doesn't do much for me. I have a very supportive midwife who is going to pull together local doulas to pitch in for after birth help and she has three apprentices who will help while in labor. They will help with my kids too. They understand my situation and are all pitching in. Many doulas will work for free because it is part of their training to attend a certain amount of births. I would find one you really connected with. Also have a family member stay for a month if you can. My first birth was only 4 hours but many people have longer births.

 

[sunflowers]

I had my baby basically alone. Completely alone if you don't count the scores of people in the delivery room. But I also had a high risk pg and premature baby.

I actually live with my mom but I knew I would not call her when the time came (I was in the hospital for a week prior and mom HATES hospitals!). I was OK with the whole scenerio as it played out.

The only sad part of the whole birth scene (aside from the fact that it happened too soon and resulted in a csection), was when the nurse asked if there was anyone I wanted to call just before they took me back to the OR. I had nobody... but I knew I would have my dd soon enough and that was actually enough for me. I think I'm a freak, lol.

A big piece of the story was that I did have some (just enough) support before and after from family. I called my SIL (who I am not terribly close to) to take me to the hospital. She left after a bit to get her own dd from school so she didn't stay. My mom was great after the birth when I called her at work to drive me to the children's hospital. She left work and sat with me for the day while my dd had surgery. DD's dad could not have been bothered to come back from his vacay when I told him I was going into the hospital and wouldn't be home before dd's birth. He couldn't be bothered to take an extra vacation day when I called to tell him dd was having surgery and might not survive it. So he was useless and I could not have been more happy that he was not around at her birth. It would have ruined the very few positive memories I have of that.

I'm not sure what advice I have to share after all of that other than you CAN do it alone and it may be a better experience than one might think.

 

[ElliesMomma]

definitely hire a doula. this is a person, experienced in childbirth, who can help you get through the pain and will be there to support you all the way through the birth.

also, don't stress out about this now. november is a long long way away. you never know if a close friend might emerge between now and then who can be a support to you as well.

but i definitely recommend getting a doula. interview several and pick the one you are most comfortable with.

 

[AnnaNova]

doula doula doula!!! they are truly wonderful and dedicated. they will get to know you before you give birth, and be there during the birth, and dependinng on your arrangement will help afterwords too... most of the time you do have to pay, even though there are volunteer doulas and student doulas who charge much less... but even though we paid our doula, i had a strong feeling she wasn't in it for the money, she was there because she really cared and wanted to help!
and the best part, she will be there as much as you want her to, meaning if you will want her out of the room at some point, she'll do so and no offences will be taken...
even though my husband was there for the birth, im sooooo glad i had the doula, not only did she pushed and pulled me through the roughest patches where i know my husband would have been just at loss, but she also advocated for me and i had the beautiful birth that i wanted in many ways due to her...
doula doula doula!!!!

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[sunflowers]

I do think we need to consider that a doula will cost money.

OP... can you afford to start saving some money every month for a doula when the time comes? I've read they can cost up to $600-$700 for the birth. Most include a vist before the birth and one after as well, I think. But I live in a fairly high COL region so it may be significantly less in other areas.

 

[homewithtwinsmama]

There are some truly awesome homebirth midwives in Vegas area. If you were open to it you could build a relationship with a great midwife and she would be your support. I have a mentor who has a lot of friends who are Vegas midwives if you would like me to get you some names.

 

[organicpapayamama]

I will repeat what other mamas have said, GET A DOULA! I had my mom and my own doula support me through DS birth after my DH left me. It was awesome! I know doulas are expensive but some new ones and even some experienced one are willing to help for free or for very little, I know because I am a doula who has done free service for a few single mamas in need. Unfortunately I am not in your area but if you google find a doula you will find some.

 

[Rosehip]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunflowers I do think we need to consider that a doula will cost money. OP... can you afford to start saving some money every month for a doula when the time comes? I've read they can cost up to $600-$700 for the birth. Most include a vist before the birth and one after as well, I think. But I live in a fairly high COL region so it may be significantly less in other areas.

But many work on sliding scales, and some novices work for nominal fees because they are trying to build experience. Full price doulas can get very expensive, but there are generally lower cost options as well. The fact that OP is not due until November gives her some time to research options, which is great!

 

[Juvysen]

Something to think about... there's a school of thought that women labor best alone or with only a quiet motherly midwife sitting in a corner listening and watching quietly. Honestly, I didn't want people around me with either of my labors and hated being touched. Next time i fully plan to kick everyone (dh included) out of the room while I labor. Everyone just irritated me last time. I'll call them in when it's time to catch the baby, and allow them to check me occasionally, but mostly I just want to be alone. This would be at home though, not sure how difficult that'd be to pull off in a hospital.

 

[pinetree]

After experiences births with a spouse who alternated acting like he was forced to be there (when it was just him and me) and trying to be the center of attention (when others were around) or acting like it was an effort to be around ("I'm so tired" "I need a nap" "I need to go home" "How can you expect me to be there with you... don't you know how tired I am?"), I started dreaming of having a completely solo UP/UC birth.

I didn't get that but I can tell you that at my last birth, I did have people who cared, who listened, who left me alone when needed and who were there instantly when I asked and it was incredible.

In your situation, I'd interview local midwives (go homebirth! So much easier!!!) and then stock up on meals and stuff. When you get close to the birth make a box of non-perishable, no prep snack/meal items and put it near your bed or make a few smaller boxes and place them strategically around the house. Not things you'd normally buy, sure. But things like multiple water bottles that you can open and toss. Granola bars. Dried fruit. Emergen-C packets. Fruit juice. Homemade or storebought jerky. The goal here is to make it so that snacks are always nearby for you to eat at a moment's craving without any extra effort beyond a few steps (if that) of walking.

Then fill the freezer wtih meals that can be reheated in the oven or microwaved. And hire a doula. If you're going with a homebirth, someone reccomended by your midwife would be great. Or just ask around. I like the LLL suggestion!

Meals seem like the hardest thing to do when you're post partum so that's why the snack and freezer items. Even if they're freezer meals from the store... they'll work.

Remember that it's harder to have a spouse around w ho expects you to wait on him hand and foot while also caring for the kids after you give birth! *sigh* Yes, it does happen and did happen to me multiple times. Thus part of the reason I dreamed of a solo birth so much.