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<p>This is a whine but it has bothered me a lot over the years. It frequently comes up that dh cooks most meals at our house. This is by his choice.  I am always told how lucky I am. Mind you, this is really the only convenient thing he does but this make me "lucky" and him a "wonderful" husband.  So, there have been a lot of times that I've had to work two jobs to support our family (he's refused to cut spending or get a second job). One of those times was when I was nursing/pumping for a baby.  So how come no one ever compliments me for my hardwork? Now I still work more hours than he does and homeschool our kids which has been his dream (for me to homeschool).    Really, the only thing I ever get told is how I must be neglecting the kids because I work!  I am able to homeschool and work because I have a flexible schedule with work (can do it when I want to) AND I don't do anything for ME. I work during their quiet time and after they go to bed and occasionally on my laptop while they are already occupied with pretend play or something they really don't need my supervision for.  I squeeze in the house hold chores a lot while they are occupied with play if we are inside.  It's all worth it. The kids are happy. DH is fairly happy.  The kids are clearly NOT lacking the attention that people imagine them to be. I take them to all their homeschool activities. It's not like we stay at home.</p>
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<p>I see myself as working my rear off and people seem to be so critical.</p>
 

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<p>Sounds like he is the lucky one,because you do a lot more.</p>
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<p>I think people say you are lucky because cooking is considered a duty of a woman to do, and if a man chooses to do it you are *lucky* they decided to do your job of cooking.</p>
 

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<p>I get this too, mostly because DH does about 80% of the housework right now. People seem especially impressed that he washes dishes. He's also in school but doesn't currently have a job.</p>
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<p>I work from home very part-time and homeschool my 6 y/o (a full-time job unto itself, at least the way I go about it). I also handle the money and the cooking. DH and I do most out-of-the-house errands together.</p>
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<p>But I'm the lucky one because I somehow found a man who can both wash dishes AND prevent his penis from falling off in the process. At least it's easy to shut people up when they give me the "lucky" line.</p>
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<p>"You're right! I used to have to do all of this icky housework and stuff, but then I got really lucky and developed multiple sclerosis. Now I get to do fun things like self-catheterizing instead of vacuuming. It's a heck of a lot more fun, I'll say that!"</p>
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<p>Sorry, I'm in a bizarrely snarky mood today... LOL. Actually I am pretty lucky -- not because DH does his share (I think the total effort we put in is split pretty evenly) -- but because he's an awesome guy in general.</p>
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<p>I get you, though. The default SHOULD be an even or nearly even split for labor between the two halves of a couple. Unfortunately, it's not, so that's probably why a lot of people get wistful when they hear about a man who *gasp* cooks.</p>
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<p>--K</p>
 

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<p>I'm a SAHM with 2 (4.5yo, 5mo) and i'm "sooo lucky" because DH loads the dishwasher every day and will, if forced, iron his own shirts.</p>
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<p>Now i think i AM lucky, because DH really truly appreciates me, and tells me all the time how much, but that is not related to his or my efforts within the context of our family.  As someone who previously left a partner due to feelings of non-appreciation and hopelessness, i think mutual respect and appreciation REALLY REALLY matters in terms of family harmony.  When DD complains that i don't go out and earn more money so she can have more toys DH is quick to point out how much i do for and with her and her sister and when she bemoans him having to stay late at work i quickly point out how hard he works to earn our money.  We always joke - i save as much as he earns by being thrifty, flexible and creative, and in return he takes the opportunity, when it arises, to just BUY whatever-it-is we need.  Case in point, our heating broke last week.  My baby was perfectly warm bundled in hand-knitted clothes and worn at the breast in a home-made wrap.  And DH bought us a new combi boiler.</p>
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<p>It is really shoddy that others cannot see and appreciate all you do at home.  For some reason women's work is devalued to the point that it "doesn't count" or is a minimum requirement.  Yes men are amazing and wonderful for even attempting that worthless grunt work.  A woman should have ironed the shirts better, a man should be elevated to god-like status for knowing where the iron is kept.  I'm on the brink of a feminist rant so i'll stop.  But i hear you!</p>
 

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<p>I honestly think a lot of people say crap just to say something without really thinking about what they are saying... That is the only thing that makes sense here....</p>
 

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<p>It's probably just a matter of your husband doing something specifically that others wish was done for them. If someone told me their spouse did all the cleaning, I'd probably say "lucky." A lot of people tell DH he is "lucky" because of all the things that I do, like get up in the morning to make him breakfast every day and cooking dinners from scratch and so on. *shrug* </p>
 

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<p>That's kyriarchy and sexism, is what it is.  And I have taken to calling people out on it.  My dp used to get all sorts of kudos for changing diapers or grocery shopping or cooking dinner.  It is infuriating and even dp agreed it was an insulting backwards compliment to praise a man for being a contributing member of the household.</p>
 
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<p>I think people say it because....in my experience the husband doesn't do housework or cook etc. So...any help is considered lucky.</p>
 

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<p>How annoying. Yes, it is totally a sexist and stereotypical comment. I had to deal with comments like that until I left my kids' dad, when in reality, he probably changed about 2 diapers and cooked as many dinners in the 7 years that I was with him. Now, no one comments on things like this because there is a whole different list for lesbian couples.</p>
 

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<p>Yes, it is stereotypical and sexist, however, I can see the viewpoint of the people who make these comments- often they are women who are living with men who don't do ANYTHING and they view that as the status quo and something they should (or have to) just put up with, so a person in that situation would consider someone like me, who has a partner who takes out the trash, occasionally cooks simple meals, and does all of the laundry and some of the dishes when I do not work outside the home and he works full time, very lucky and/or "spoiled"-even though the reason my husband does "so much" by some people's standards is that I am basically disabled right now due being in week 35 of a difficult pregnancy.</p>
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<p>Going up and down the stairs to do the laundry is basically out of the question for me so he washes and dries the clothes. They then sit in the living room in baskets without being folded or ironed until I put them away, or if I get winded trying to hang them all up he will do it. Running our very heavy vacuum cleaner is not going to happen for me right now so my husband does it once every few weeks and he doesn't use the edge attachment or move the furniture or anything else on the floor when he does it, but people act like he deserves a medal for this. When I did these things before I got pregnant, nobody thought I deserved a medal and I was actually told more than once that I needed to do more and better housework to "keep him happy" and "make him feel safe".</p>
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<p>I'm not saying they're RIGHT, I'm just saying that's the mentality. If you're female and have a male partner that can wipe his own behind, other women are going to consider you lucky because they have gotten themselves into a situation where they're waiting on some man hand and foot. I hear a lot from other women, especially older women, about how "lucky" I am that my husband does (or partially does) simple cleaning tasks that nobody would bat an eyelash over a woman or even a female CHILD doing. It's so condescending to him and kind of a backhanded insult to me as well- at least one person who makes these comments gives me the distinct impression that they think I'm lazy or taking advantage of him by letting him be the one to do these things :barf</p>
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<p>Now, I do consider myself lucky to be in a relationship with a man who is able to get over his gender-based socialization enough to do tasks that he was not expected to do growing up and in his family of origin, are 100 percent a "woman's job"...but that's not what people mean when they use "lucky" in this context. And maybe my luck is not so much based on fate or chance as it is on making good choices and having good communication skills with my partner. </p>
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<p>Maybe we could try saying something in response like "Oh, it's not luck- it's the work that my partner and I consciously do as a team to do what's best for our family"?</p>
 

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<p><br>
Thanks for the replies. It felt good to get it off my chest.  I have often told people that they should really try having two adult hands in everything at home. It's not as easy as you think.  The fact that he cooks is the convenient part. I admit that I love that he cooks for us.</p>
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<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>karanyavel</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278765/why-am-i-the-lucky-one#post_16038619"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p> </p>
<p>I work from home very part-time and homeschool my 6 y/o (a full-time job unto itself, at least the way I go about it). I also handle the money and the cooking. DH and I do most out-of-the-house errands together.</p>
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<p>But I'm the lucky one because I somehow found a man who can both wash dishes AND prevent his penis from falling off in the process. At least it's easy to shut people up when they give me the "lucky" line.</p>
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<p>--K</p>
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<p>I think that we are a lot in the same situation.  I was really ill from undiagnosed gluten intolerance for years. My work is considered part-time but it may as well be full time. I handle the money and everything but the cooking. We also do most out of house errands together out of necessity. When he goes grocery shopping he comes home with the whole store whether we need it or not and I will come back with nothing.  But at the same time, I'm the primary bread winner and it's like people just don't get it.  When a man works 2 hours a day, the man must also help out if the woman works pretty much full time.  My husband gets it. He's wonderful. It's the comments from others that are bothering me.</p>
 

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<p>Don't you know? Men are apparently incapable of doing the most basic of household chores so when they do them they are going "above and beyond". Yeah it irritates me too. For us though, people seem impressed that DH can't cook, is not the best when it comes to cleaning and doesn't really know how to do the laundry (I can't seem to teach him either) because we all know gay men are supposed to be able to do all those things exceptionally well.</p>
 

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<p>Well, I've been known to say it.  But that's because I had zero, I repeat ZERO exposure to men doing household or "domestic" things in my life.  My stepdad would occasionally pay me-the female child-to do housework, and one of my stepfathers was always the parent there for me and more of a "dad" than a roommate that pulls in an income. So I do consider families where the males help out...even at all to be lucky.  That just has never been my experience.  Seeing how you are pulling all the weight but the dishes, OP, I don't think I'd comment to you that you should feel lucky.  I'm talking about households where work is shared more evenly or the husband/other partner voluntarily assists with housework and childcare.  People make comments to me that I have my hands full but my dh is suddenly the most fantastic person on the planet to strangers if he takes the kids to play outside.  It's really sexist and a double-standard, but I understand from my past why people make those comments. Because I would feel really lucky if my dh did those things.  He's getting better and I think with this pp week is finally starting to realize how much I do, but I know that we'll go right back to me begging him to help load the dishwasher within a month. </p>
 

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<p>If you could hire another person to do the work, you would be lucky also. </p>
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<p>And sometimes it is OK to feel lucky.  Yes, I do feel lucky to have a guy that does my dishes and does my laundry.  I work full time, homeschool, and go to school myself.  I am lucky that he will step up to the plate and take over care of the house - I sure don't. </p>
<p>I have been told I was lucky and I say "Yes, I was smart for choosing a good man."  </p>
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<p>I have been married to the "OTHER".  </p>
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<p><br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>karanyavel</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278765/why-am-i-the-lucky-one#post_16038619"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p> </p>
<p>But I'm the lucky one because I somehow found a man who can both wash dishes AND prevent his penis from falling off in the process. At least it's easy to shut people up when they give me the "lucky" line.</p>
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<p>--K</p>
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<p><img alt="" src="http://files.mothering.com/spitdrink.gif" title=""></p>
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<p>OP, the people who hear that your dh  cooks and say you're "lucky" are just clueless. There's a whole lot more to a relationship than cooking and household chores!</p>
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<p>If I told you you were lucky for having a husband that does all the cooking, I would just mean you are lucky that you have someone who does my most hated chore on a regular basis.  There would be no sexism behind it, as I happen to be married to a man who does his share of everything and then some.  My husband is lucky that I do all his laundry, which is his most hated chore.</p>
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<p>I do understand how you feel though, shouldering more than your share of the load and then being told you are lucky that he does this one thing.</p>
 

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<p>My dh is told a lot by his coworkers how he is lucky I cook every day.  Having a meal prepared for you is a very nice thing! <img alt="smile.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/smile.gif"></p>
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<p>I suspect the bigger issue is that you feel criticized, and not praised, for <em>your</em> contributions.  Are you sure that your dh does not hear how lucky he is to have you doing the things you do?  Does your dh appreciate and praise your efforts?</p>
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<p>Regardless, it sounds like you agree that your dh is wonderful, and you appreciate the meals your dh makes.  My dh feels lucky to have meals prepared for him.  When others tell him how lucky he is, he brags about what we ate the night before, lolol.</p>
 

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<p>I don't know that it's necessarily sexism, rather just that those folks that say it probably have a spouse who doesn't do whatever chore is being discussed and are jealous.  So they consider anyone who's spouse DOES do those things, lucky.</p>
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<p>I have been told that I am lucky that my spouse does basic car maintainence, like changing oil.  That sort of stuff is typically considered a guy's domain, but because many people have to take their cars in to Jiffy Lube for an oil change, I am lucky I don't have to do that. </p>
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<p>Yesterday I mentioned that DP does nearly all of the dishwasher duties in our house. A friend asked how *I* get him to do that <img alt="lol.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/lol.gif"> As if I could ever make him do anything if he didn't want to! But I do think it is lucky that we have a division of labour that I think is fair... if anything he does more than I would ask him to!</p>
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<p>I think I am lucky that DP's father was responsible for dishes, so DP thinks that is normal. Plus he does all the stereotypical "male" jobs like taking the garbage out. </p>
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<p>He is lucky that I do most of the cooking/meal planning/grocery shopping and all of the laundry. Oh and all of the bathroom cleaning.</p>
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<p>So we're both lucky - my luck doesn't cancel out his luck ;-)</p>
 

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<p>I hear that, too.  My work has me away from home at both lunch and dinnertime.  Dh is home, to he cooks.  He also (dis)organizes the kitchen.  I can't find a thing, and the counter are so cluttered that there is no room to work.  So even when I am home, he cooks.</p>
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<p>We homeschool, too.  I usually feel like such a square peg.  None of my working friends homeschool, and none of my homeschooling friends work outside the home.  Hardly anyone "gets" our set-up, but that's OK.  It works for us.</p>
 
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