Why am I upset? I knew this would happen...

1217 Views 21 Replies 20 Participants Last post by aran, Apr 18, 2006

Ooey

Discussion Starter · Apr 13, 2006

I just got word that my friend had her baby. She's 18 and was 39 and a half weeks, so I would have thought she would go a little longer. Well I knew she was having a VERY medicalized birth, and wanted pain meds and all that, but I am just sick over what happend to her.

She felt her first contraction around 1:00 and by 3:00 the doctor told her to come to the hospial. She was 3 or 4 cm when she go there, so she slept for a couple of hours, then they checked her again and she hadn't made progress. Of course this meant she needed pit. and she said at this poin she thinks they broke her water. Soon after, the baby's heart rate crashed and a bragade of doctors and nurses started rushing around her, and telling her she was having an emergency c-section. She says when they cut into her she could feel everything, and she started screaming, so they knocked her out compleetly. After waking up groggy and confused, in her words: "Then they put me into a room, and I got to meet him and feed him." They sent her home a few days later, without any help or instruction on breastfeeding. I'm pretty sure she will be throwing in the towel on that any time now and reaching for the formula, because she says he crys every time she tries to feed him.

Even though I predicted that something like this was going to happen to her, I am just floored at how soon they started interventions in her labor. She hadn't even been having contractions for 4 hours when they gave her pit and broke her water

She doesn't even seem traumatized over what happend to her, she seems to think that it was all nesisary because the baby's heartbeat crashed for no reason.

Should I even say anything to her about it? Or just congradulate her and tell her how lucky she is to have a healthy baby.

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rachdoll

· #2 · Apr 13, 2006

Quote:

Should I even say anything to her about it? Or just congradulate her and tell her how lucky she is to have a healthy baby.

I think you should just congratulate her and tell her how lucky she is to have a healthy baby. As saddened as we are to hear stories like this, I think most of America is coming to completely accept this type of birth and isn't phased by it a bit.

If she brings up being upset, then definitely address your concerns, otherwise, I'd leave it.

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Belle

· #3 · Apr 13, 2006

I don't think an "I told you so" would be in order just yet, but telling her how lucky she should be to have a healthy baby after going through all that might invalidate her feelings. It sounds like a terrifying experience.

I'd just provide a friendly ear for her. Right now what she needs is support. Perhaps later you could provide her with more information about a gentler birth.

I know how you feel about being sick upon hearing about the medicalization of birth. How women are treated like machines that must dialate on command, and if they are not they are immediately treated with an "emergency" cesarean. My SIL had such a birth a few years ago and I still mourn that she was treated this way. But I keep it to myself, even when she criticizes my choices for birth, I hold my tounge.

Guest*

· #4 · Apr 13, 2006

I agree with the others. Just congratulate her and support as needed. Be open to her, though.

If/when she starts to reflect on the birth and she becomes displeased, then offer up information in small doses by letting her know that birth can be better with effort and understanding. Let her take the lead. I think that very few women respond well to in-your-face information and respond better to a gentle "nudges" that birth can be better if they choose and educate themselves. Even if they choose c/s for future births, they can own it and be proud and happy if they make the choice, instead of the situation being something that happens to them.

It's hard. The typical American birth is often a let down for women like us on MDC who've informed ourselves and done what we can to make our births the best they can be.

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TurboClaudia

· #5 · Apr 13, 2006

congratulate her on her new baby, and let her know it's okay to feel whatever she's feeling about her baby, his birth, her pregnancy. i would hesitate to say anything about how lucky she is to "have a healthy baby" because that might invalidate or diminish her ability to feel anything other than happy about the interventions and the emergency cesarean. just let her know you are available to talk or just to listen and be with her anytime.

it's always so hard for me to hear about people who would make different choices than i would about the birth of their babies. i just want everyone to be empowered and confident at that time of their life, when they are welcoming a new life, and it is difficult to think that maybe that is not a priority for some people.

wishing you peace and wisdom and love...

~claudia

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sapphire_chan

· #6 · Apr 13, 2006

Wow, it's like you warned her "be careful of the ice on the steps" and instead the ice was in the house and she went sliding and flew right out all down the sidewalk to smack into the mailbox....and a present fell in her lap.

I say, let her be happy about her baby and don't detract from that, but also don't let her start any line of bs about how the doctors saved her baby.

erin_brycesmom

· #7 · Apr 13, 2006

definitely congratulate her but I think you would be doing her a disservice to not say anything about the actual birth process. How are we as women going to learn these things if the people in our lives that care about us don't inform us. It is hard because it is a touchy situation and will need to be said with tact, but she isn't upset over how it went so I don't think it would be too hard.

Emilie

· #8 · Apr 13, 2006

Maybe wait a bit to say something- then pass her an article or something- hey _ i just read this about pitocin.... I thought you might be interested due to your birth experience.
i am glad the baby is ok. I am so sorry the world is like this.

Guest*

· #9 · Apr 13, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emilie
Maybe wait a bit to say something- then pass her an article or something- hey _ i just read this about pitocin.... I thought you might be interested due to your birth experience.
i am glad the baby is ok. I am so sorry the world is like this.

Good idea. This method "plants a seed" as they say, but it shows your concern and care without telling her that maybe she her choices weren't the best they could have been.

Quagmire

· #10 · Apr 13, 2006

Oh man, what a horror story. So sorry for your friend. Can you help her find this forum? Maybe she'll have a better experience with her second baby.

georgia

· #11 · Apr 13, 2006

It's really hard to see that happen. I would prob. congratulate her on her beautiful baby and let her know you're there for her if she needs to talk or for anything else that comes up (breastfeeding, etc). Sometimes being a good friend is knowing when to just be there

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wannabe

· #12 · Apr 13, 2006

Quote:

and tell her how lucky she is to have a healthy baby

I'd congratulate her, admire the baby and NOT say anything about how lucky she is to have a healthy baby - that plays right into feelings that you're selfish to be concerned about what happenned to you.

Maybe a "wow - that's a rough start for you" or something - I mean she FELT the c-section! A gentle acknowledgement that it wasn't fun, even if her baby is healthy.

Emilie

· #13 · Apr 13, 2006

I really love it when I get quoted. Thanks so much. I hope your friend is doing well. I thought of her( and all the other mothers) today,
Em

theelfqueen

· #14 · Apr 14, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by TurboClaudia
congratulate her on her new baby, and let her know it's okay to feel whatever she's feeling about her baby, his birth, her pregnancy. i would hesitate to say anything about how lucky she is to "have a healthy baby" because that might invalidate or diminish her ability to feel anything other than happy about the interventions and the emergency cesarean. just let her know you are available to talk or just to listen and be with her anytime.

~claudia

EXACTLY THAT. I really dislike the "all that matters is a healthy baby" attitude because it invalidates the idea that mom's feelings about it MATTER, and they do. And it's her right, to feel them, to work through them as suits HER, to be resentful or happy or whatever SHE feels.

myniyer

· #15 · Apr 15, 2006

TurboClaudia said:
congratulate her on her new baby, and let her know it's okay to feel whatever she's feeling about her baby, his birth, her pregnancy. i would hesitate to say anything about how lucky she is to "have a healthy baby" because that might invalidate or diminish her ability to feel anything other than happy about the interventions and the emergency cesarean. just let her know you are available to talk or just to listen and be with her anytime./QUOTE]
Exactly that. Big hugs not just to her, but to you. It's so hard to watch the train wreck when you knew it was coming the whole time.

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Ammaarah

· #16 · Apr 16, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by Belle
I don't think an "I told you so" would be in order just yet, but telling her how lucky she should be to have a healthy baby after going through all that might invalidate her feelings. It sounds like a terrifying experience.

I agree, definitely don't say that or "At least you and baby are healthy and that's all that matters." I must have heard that a dozen times in the couple weeks after my c-section, and it absolutely stung. I still hate that phrase.

I had a horrible c-section experience and also had surgical awareness and was given ketamine so I missed my daughter's first moments. Seven months later, I've finally just gotten to the point where I don't think about it every hour. Just be there for her and listen and don't say I told you so. She might look at the docs as saviors or might hate their guts or neither of those things. Be a good friend and listen.

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USAmma

· #17 · Apr 16, 2006

Wow that's awful!! My hospital where I delivered would have sent her home to labor awhile longer.

littlest birds

· #18 · Apr 16, 2006

This happened to my sister also, and it was completely unnecessary. My family is saying things like "well, nature just doesn't always work so..." when they comment on it. I really cannot even discuss this--I have to hold my tongue about the whole thing and I spend less and less time with them.

(OT-- As for my sister, I know she really wanted an experience like mine. She was set up, and she set herself up. It is complex, as she once aspired to be a midwife and has even attended births--one alone. She says she couldn't afford a homebirth and so she got this. Even though both midwives I have used do accept clients who can't pay or can only pay like $10 a month... I just do not understand at all. She is single though older and has wanted a baby for years, and my parents were the main influence and support for her. They really influenced her decisions. Other reason too. I think she is depressed and has gone passive. I have not been able to process any of it very well or even talk to any of them about it. I think everyone feels bad but defensive--because I had such "perfect" births if I open my mouth I will just be "rubbing it in"....)

Birth in this country wounds us all. Even if our births are non-medical, we do not live separate. We too live with the harm done.

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Storm Bride

· #19 · Apr 16, 2006

I'm chiming in late, as I only visit this forum occasionally. I can't say strongly enough - DO NOT say "at least you have a healthy baby". I've had three c-sections, all stemming from my so-called "emergency" one in 1993. I've heard this line at least once with each one, and it feels like a slap in the face. Of all the c-section moms I've talked to, I'd say about 99% of them feel the same way. It sucks having an unwanted c-section, and having people play up how "lucky" I was really hurts. I know all kinds of women who've had non-traumatic births and healthy babies, so why was I "lucky" to be knocked out, drugged and cut open to have healthy baby I couldn't even see for over 12 hours? I have issues with using the term "lucky" to describe a good outcome that was likely to happen, anyway...if the odds are in your favour, and things turn out badly, you're unlucky, imo - but not lucky when they work out.

errr...oops. Rant over. Just congratulate her, and don't tell her she's lucky.

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ckhagen

· #20 · Apr 18, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammaarah
I agree, definitely don't say that or "At least you and baby are healthy and that's all that matters." I must have heard that a dozen times in the couple weeks after my c-section, and it absolutely stung. I still hate that phrase.

I had a horrible c-section experience and also had surgical awareness and was given ketamine so I missed my daughter's first moments. Seven months later, I've finally just gotten to the point where I don't think about it every hour. Just be there for her and listen and don't say I told you so. She might look at the docs as saviors or might hate their guts or neither of those things. Be a good friend and listen.

I totally agree...
This happened to me too

It definitely took a long time to get past the grief of having missed the entire birth over something as crazy as having to be knocked out because my anesthesia wasn't working...

I do have to say though... It took me close to a month or more to really put the pieces together and realize that I really did miss it and that the experience was horrible. So, she may not even know it yet.

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