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It is a lot easier to live by yourself, to parent as you want to, to eat what you want. Partnering involves a lot of compromise and constant small negotiation. So why do <i>you</i> choose it?
Why ARE you partnered?
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Because I believe it is better for my children. Because I like having someone to share the good (and the bad) with. Because I am not always right, I don't always know what to do, I don't always have energy, I don't always want to be in charge. Because doing the extra laundry, cleaning, compromising is so worth the coffee in bed each morning, the dinner dishes cleaned while I put the baby to bed, the foot rubs after a long day. And, because my life is richer with my partner in it...some times harder, but certainly more full and complete. Because we balance each other.
The short answer: Because I love my husband, and he has the capacity to be a great father and a great husband, because I like being around him and enjoy the support I get as a parent from him.<br><br>
The long answer: I was an acting single parent for several months while my husband and I were separated. I agree with what you said above - that it's easier to do things your way because there's no need to negotiate with someone else. However, after a long or frustrating day, there were no backrubs, no sympathetic ear, no helping hand to put away dishes or sort laundry, there was no break for me as a mother, and I sincerely missed all the tiny things about him I had fallen in love with him for - his jokes that only seem funny to us, his commentary on life and the world around us, his playfulness and his deeply ingrained sense of justice. Given a choice between parenting in a bad relationship (such as ours was before our separation), single parenting, and parenting in a healthy, balanced relationship with him, I would choose the healthy relationship first, single parenting if that were not possible, but I would never again stay in a relationship that I thought was detrimental to myself or my daughter.
The long answer: I was an acting single parent for several months while my husband and I were separated. I agree with what you said above - that it's easier to do things your way because there's no need to negotiate with someone else. However, after a long or frustrating day, there were no backrubs, no sympathetic ear, no helping hand to put away dishes or sort laundry, there was no break for me as a mother, and I sincerely missed all the tiny things about him I had fallen in love with him for - his jokes that only seem funny to us, his commentary on life and the world around us, his playfulness and his deeply ingrained sense of justice. Given a choice between parenting in a bad relationship (such as ours was before our separation), single parenting, and parenting in a healthy, balanced relationship with him, I would choose the healthy relationship first, single parenting if that were not possible, but I would never again stay in a relationship that I thought was detrimental to myself or my daughter.
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I didn't choose to be partnered in general (to be honest, I tend to lean towards ethical non-monogamy and a high degree of independence), I chose to be partnered to my DH. If something were to happen to him, I know I could lead a very happy single life, and would probably do that (not because I think there is 'The One and Only' person out there, but because I think someone that I connect to so well is going to be very rare, I frankly wouldn't count on finding another person like DH.).<br><br>
I enjoy DH. I feel content knowing he is in the house, and that I can go touch and smell him whenever I want to. I feel safer knowing that there is a very even-keeled, logical, steady parent in my children's lives, that doesn't have my baggage. I like having another person that I can trust to be honest with me, and who doesn't take my crap and is willing to tell me when I'm coming close to stepping over a line.<br><br>
I don't think it's good for one person to hold all the control over another person's life. My DH is going to be able to relate better to certain aspects of our kids' personalities/talents/quirks than me, so I ignore his suggestions and advice at peril. In my personal circumstance, I don't feel that it would be 'easier' if I got to make all the parenting calls, ect. Certainly it wouldn't be easier for my children. My DH has issues like everyone else, but his are different than mine, and his basic instincts are not rooted in abuse like mine are. Having his neutral, non-judgemental safeguard has helped me to be a better parent, as well as made me feel more secure in knowing that everyone will be safe.<br><br>
He is an incredible person. Could I live without him? Yes. I wouldn't curl up and die if he left me or if he died. I consider each day I have with him to be a gift, even the boring or stressful ones. That's as good a reason as any to be partnered, I think.
I enjoy DH. I feel content knowing he is in the house, and that I can go touch and smell him whenever I want to. I feel safer knowing that there is a very even-keeled, logical, steady parent in my children's lives, that doesn't have my baggage. I like having another person that I can trust to be honest with me, and who doesn't take my crap and is willing to tell me when I'm coming close to stepping over a line.<br><br>
I don't think it's good for one person to hold all the control over another person's life. My DH is going to be able to relate better to certain aspects of our kids' personalities/talents/quirks than me, so I ignore his suggestions and advice at peril. In my personal circumstance, I don't feel that it would be 'easier' if I got to make all the parenting calls, ect. Certainly it wouldn't be easier for my children. My DH has issues like everyone else, but his are different than mine, and his basic instincts are not rooted in abuse like mine are. Having his neutral, non-judgemental safeguard has helped me to be a better parent, as well as made me feel more secure in knowing that everyone will be safe.<br><br>
He is an incredible person. Could I live without him? Yes. I wouldn't curl up and die if he left me or if he died. I consider each day I have with him to be a gift, even the boring or stressful ones. That's as good a reason as any to be partnered, I think.
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it just sort of happened this way. lack of planning led into this plan. oops.<br><br>
i wish i could be a mom on my own, but i'm afraid the overhead would put me under. and i sometimes feel that this is still my best position of power.<br><br>
and b/c he's enough of a benefit that i get deluded about what a PITA he is, and the 'we live together' cycle just keeps on turnin'.<br><br>
this is about as positive as i can be about it. in hindsight, i would, no doubt about it, parent alone. think, me taking a chance on some random dude's fertility and living with girlfriends. yum.
i wish i could be a mom on my own, but i'm afraid the overhead would put me under. and i sometimes feel that this is still my best position of power.<br><br>
and b/c he's enough of a benefit that i get deluded about what a PITA he is, and the 'we live together' cycle just keeps on turnin'.<br><br>
this is about as positive as i can be about it. in hindsight, i would, no doubt about it, parent alone. think, me taking a chance on some random dude's fertility and living with girlfriends. yum.
At this point in my life, I am partnered for the very best reason, because I WANT to be. In the past I have stayed with my x because I felt like I "had" to or at least that I "should" and it sucked. Being a single parent, which I was for a few yeas, WAS easier than that!<br><br>
I am with DH for no other reason that I WANT to be with him. I like him. I love him. I desire him. He makes me happy, he is always respectful to me. If he were not an involved parent I would not be working on child #3 with him. Yes, there are compromises. Well, those all come from parenting. Seriously. If we did not have three, about to be four children, there would not be all this work at home that I sometimes do feel I do much more of. Of course, I remind myself that he works a physically demanding job and often works fifty or more hours per week while I work about 28, and that includes my driving time. Even so, when I really need it, he does step up and help out. He does do laundry, pick up toys, vaccum floors, change diapers, feed the children etc. If I did not have a child from a previous marriage we would probally never yet have had our first disagreement, but there is conflict b/t dh and ds1 and I often feel trapped in the middle. But he trys so hard to be a good father to my son despite my "terrible teen"s really bad attitude (at times) and so, even when I feel that dh is in the wrong, I just tell him so and we go on. He really puts no constraints on me. We both lead our own lives, if I want to run to the mall all day with my mom I do, if he wants to spend half of saturday fishing, he does. We are always happy to get home to each other though and thats the main point. If I have a bad day, he makes it better, just by being here. He is the only person in my entire life to ever make me feel unconditionally loved and so the few compromises I do have to make seem very much worth it. Without DH around Id probally cook a lot less red meat and a lot more chicken. Without DH around DS1 would probally get his way a lot more often. Hm, thats about it. But without DH around, I'd be all alone in this life, no matter how many friends and family I have because he is the one that really "gets" me and he is the one that is there for me no matter what and he is the one who loves me, just loves me. He is the one that I love, the one that I enjoy being around the most and the one that I cant wait to grow old with. What more reasons could I possibly need?
I am with DH for no other reason that I WANT to be with him. I like him. I love him. I desire him. He makes me happy, he is always respectful to me. If he were not an involved parent I would not be working on child #3 with him. Yes, there are compromises. Well, those all come from parenting. Seriously. If we did not have three, about to be four children, there would not be all this work at home that I sometimes do feel I do much more of. Of course, I remind myself that he works a physically demanding job and often works fifty or more hours per week while I work about 28, and that includes my driving time. Even so, when I really need it, he does step up and help out. He does do laundry, pick up toys, vaccum floors, change diapers, feed the children etc. If I did not have a child from a previous marriage we would probally never yet have had our first disagreement, but there is conflict b/t dh and ds1 and I often feel trapped in the middle. But he trys so hard to be a good father to my son despite my "terrible teen"s really bad attitude (at times) and so, even when I feel that dh is in the wrong, I just tell him so and we go on. He really puts no constraints on me. We both lead our own lives, if I want to run to the mall all day with my mom I do, if he wants to spend half of saturday fishing, he does. We are always happy to get home to each other though and thats the main point. If I have a bad day, he makes it better, just by being here. He is the only person in my entire life to ever make me feel unconditionally loved and so the few compromises I do have to make seem very much worth it. Without DH around Id probally cook a lot less red meat and a lot more chicken. Without DH around DS1 would probally get his way a lot more often. Hm, thats about it. But without DH around, I'd be all alone in this life, no matter how many friends and family I have because he is the one that really "gets" me and he is the one that is there for me no matter what and he is the one who loves me, just loves me. He is the one that I love, the one that I enjoy being around the most and the one that I cant wait to grow old with. What more reasons could I possibly need?
Heck... I'm in love with my husband for one, and couldn't imagine my life without him in it! Aside from that, I don't really do well on my own. My husband and I really work well together as a team and make up for each others strengths and weaknesses as well as supporting each other, being a soft place for the other to fall, brainstorming to make better decisions in finances or parenting... I could go on and on. We learn from each other and help each other grow and we become better together.<br><br>
I am glad you posted this because it's not something I really think about, but I am awfully grateful for my marriage and having a live in best friend/co-parent and someone to divide the load with.
I am glad you posted this because it's not something I really think about, but I am awfully grateful for my marriage and having a live in best friend/co-parent and someone to divide the load with.
My first thought after reading your post, was that if you think it's harder with a partner, than maybe you havent found the right partner yet.<br><br>
But that's just me, I have NO desire to go it alone. But I recognise that we are all different in our needs.
But that's just me, I have NO desire to go it alone. But I recognise that we are all different in our needs.
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Many reasons.<br><br>
1) I love dh<br>
2) I believe it's better for the children to be raised in a two parent home<br>
3) I have no real job skills, no job, no vehicle, no money, no family to really fall back on and dh is the sole provider.<br>
4) It would be impossible to be a SAHM and raise my own children without dh.<br>
5) I love dh<br>
6) On my own I tend to party too much<br><br>
There are probably more reasons, but this is what comes to mind first.
1) I love dh<br>
2) I believe it's better for the children to be raised in a two parent home<br>
3) I have no real job skills, no job, no vehicle, no money, no family to really fall back on and dh is the sole provider.<br>
4) It would be impossible to be a SAHM and raise my own children without dh.<br>
5) I love dh<br>
6) On my own I tend to party too much<br><br>
There are probably more reasons, but this is what comes to mind first.
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This may be true if you have a not-good partner. Whoo boy, is this not true for me. I can't IMAGINE trying to go it alone. I'd have to quit school and move home, I think...
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">It is a lot easier to live by yourself, to parent as you want to, to eat what you want. Partnering involves a lot of compromise and constant small negotiation. So why do you choose it?</td>
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This may be true if you have a not-good partner. Whoo boy, is this not true for me. I can't IMAGINE trying to go it alone. I'd have to quit school and move home, I think...
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I am partnered because it is the right thing for me, my husband, and my kids. We have an easy time of it, though.
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lately, for financial reasons
-Because I love DP, even though we're more friends than romantic lovers we are best friends<br>
-It is relatively easy to live with him because we are quite similar...have similar tastes, never argue, etc.<br>
-We both want the same life and it takes our partnership to do so....it takes hard work to run the homestead, live from scratch and I wanted to be a SAHM and he prefers that I'm a SAHM, so he supports us<br>
-He's a wonderful father and I could never take his child away from him, he's had that happen before and that's something I could never put him through again<br>
-His son loves him so much and I could never take my son away from his father, he enjoys him so much<br>
-Life is just more fun with someone to share it with, especially when you both want the same kind of life
-It is relatively easy to live with him because we are quite similar...have similar tastes, never argue, etc.<br>
-We both want the same life and it takes our partnership to do so....it takes hard work to run the homestead, live from scratch and I wanted to be a SAHM and he prefers that I'm a SAHM, so he supports us<br>
-He's a wonderful father and I could never take his child away from him, he's had that happen before and that's something I could never put him through again<br>
-His son loves him so much and I could never take my son away from his father, he enjoys him so much<br>
-Life is just more fun with someone to share it with, especially when you both want the same kind of life
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I am reeeeeallly hoping this does not come across in the wrong way...but here goes.<br><br>
I married DH because I knew he was it for me. I knew that no one else could compare to him and I didn't want to keep looking...and I'd been telling him no for 7 yrs...and it was really, really emotionally important to him for me to be his wife. The man was willing to wait for me, birth the way I wanted to, was open to raising our kids the way I wanted to (in ways he'd never been exposed to) and I wasn't going to consider marrying him because of my own personal hangups? Hell no! I wanted to give him that...at least that. Myself, pledging myself to him for always. Hell, the man could ask me to do ANYTHING and I would do it..that's how much of a good man he's been to me SINCE DAY ONE IN HIGH SCHOOL and I won't marry him when it's important to him? I needed to get over myself already and I'm glad that I did. We mesh. He is the best friend I've ever had and probably ever will have. I CANNOT imagine my life without him in it, and frankly wouldn't want to....not because we're symbiotic or co-dependant or anything, but because HE'S MY BEST FRIEND in the entire world, and the spark to my fire, the one who gets me going when he looks at me just.like.that., truly the best man I've ever known and I would be devastated if anything happened to that.
I married DH because I knew he was it for me. I knew that no one else could compare to him and I didn't want to keep looking...and I'd been telling him no for 7 yrs...and it was really, really emotionally important to him for me to be his wife. The man was willing to wait for me, birth the way I wanted to, was open to raising our kids the way I wanted to (in ways he'd never been exposed to) and I wasn't going to consider marrying him because of my own personal hangups? Hell no! I wanted to give him that...at least that. Myself, pledging myself to him for always. Hell, the man could ask me to do ANYTHING and I would do it..that's how much of a good man he's been to me SINCE DAY ONE IN HIGH SCHOOL and I won't marry him when it's important to him? I needed to get over myself already and I'm glad that I did. We mesh. He is the best friend I've ever had and probably ever will have. I CANNOT imagine my life without him in it, and frankly wouldn't want to....not because we're symbiotic or co-dependant or anything, but because HE'S MY BEST FRIEND in the entire world, and the spark to my fire, the one who gets me going when he looks at me just.like.that., truly the best man I've ever known and I would be devastated if anything happened to that.
I don't think so. Its a lot easier for me to parent with my husband than it would be to do so without him.<br><br>
We get along and agree on most things. We don't find it difficult to compromise most of the time either.<br><br>
I think its easier to parent with two parents. That life in general is easier with a committed and loving partner.<br>
I am so glad that I have someone I can be completely honest with and open up all the way in a way I can't with most people.
We get along and agree on most things. We don't find it difficult to compromise most of the time either.<br><br>
I think its easier to parent with two parents. That life in general is easier with a committed and loving partner.<br>
I am so glad that I have someone I can be completely honest with and open up all the way in a way I can't with most people.
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>FancyPants</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7907090"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It is a lot easier to live by yourself, to parent as you want to, to eat what you want. Partnering involves a lot of compromise and constant small negotiation. So why do <i>you</i> choose it?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
In my experience, I cant imagine parenting without DH, let alone feeling like it can be easier. DH is my rock and support (parenting and life in general) in so many ways that I have to think pretty hard to know where to begin. I decide within 3 months of meeting DH that I <i>want</i> this man to be in my life for good, and after neaarly 9 years of being together (almost 5 years of marriage), I <i>cannot</i> imagine life without him, I cannot imagine not sharing all my ups and down with him, I cannot imagine my DD not having such an almost-perfect dad in ways that matters most (imo no one is perfect <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> ), I cannot imagine not living this life that I am living, with my DH being one of my core pillars of strength. Dh also works hard to make a decent living so that I can stay at home comfortably with DD. I wanna be an old woman decades from now and put my wrinkly hand in my DH's and recall together with him the life we've lived, the joys we've shared, the bad times we've overcame and the joy we shared raising our child/ren.<br><br>
For all the sleep he has lost walking our DD around the neighbourhood when she was a high-need baby and cant go to sleep at night, for all the times he put up with my unnecessary drama, for all the nightfeeds he did (he did like 90%, I get a bad migraine when sleep deprived) after I weaned, for all the weekends (99%) he got up with our DD so that I could either sleep in or take my own time to wake slowly, for all the times he would go with my idea on what to eat/go/do when there is something else he wanted (100% of the time, if I asked), for all the drinks/sweater/stuff he fetches for me even when I am closer to it than he is. And these are just off the top of my head. For all these and more, every little compromise I had to make and every little inconvenience I had to put up with living with DH is absolutely nothing.<br><br>
Oh, and he is so unbelievably, side-splittingly hilarious at times when he is making up stuff (stories, songs, dances especially <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> ) to make DD laugh. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I cant imagine DD not having all of these either. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/luxlove.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="throb">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>FancyPants</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7907090"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It is a lot easier to live by yourself, to parent as you want to, to eat what you want. Partnering involves a lot of compromise and constant small negotiation. So why do <i>you</i> choose it?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
In my experience, I cant imagine parenting without DH, let alone feeling like it can be easier. DH is my rock and support (parenting and life in general) in so many ways that I have to think pretty hard to know where to begin. I decide within 3 months of meeting DH that I <i>want</i> this man to be in my life for good, and after neaarly 9 years of being together (almost 5 years of marriage), I <i>cannot</i> imagine life without him, I cannot imagine not sharing all my ups and down with him, I cannot imagine my DD not having such an almost-perfect dad in ways that matters most (imo no one is perfect <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> ), I cannot imagine not living this life that I am living, with my DH being one of my core pillars of strength. Dh also works hard to make a decent living so that I can stay at home comfortably with DD. I wanna be an old woman decades from now and put my wrinkly hand in my DH's and recall together with him the life we've lived, the joys we've shared, the bad times we've overcame and the joy we shared raising our child/ren.<br><br>
For all the sleep he has lost walking our DD around the neighbourhood when she was a high-need baby and cant go to sleep at night, for all the times he put up with my unnecessary drama, for all the nightfeeds he did (he did like 90%, I get a bad migraine when sleep deprived) after I weaned, for all the weekends (99%) he got up with our DD so that I could either sleep in or take my own time to wake slowly, for all the times he would go with my idea on what to eat/go/do when there is something else he wanted (100% of the time, if I asked), for all the drinks/sweater/stuff he fetches for me even when I am closer to it than he is. And these are just off the top of my head. For all these and more, every little compromise I had to make and every little inconvenience I had to put up with living with DH is absolutely nothing.<br><br>
Oh, and he is so unbelievably, side-splittingly hilarious at times when he is making up stuff (stories, songs, dances especially <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> ) to make DD laugh. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I cant imagine DD not having all of these either. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/luxlove.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="throb">
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Ack! I would not say that being by myself is easier than being with DH! Aside from all the actual "things" he does around the house, with the kids, and for me, he is my best friend. He is my support, my love, my relief. He's the shoulder I cry on, and the audience I tell my new "joke" to. He's the one I can be snarky and snide to, gossip about the neighbor's, whine about the kids, share my passions with. I think someone around had a sig a while ago that said, "I didn't choose someone I could live with. I chose someone I couldn't live without."
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Two reasons:<br><br>
1) I want to be.<br>
2) I love him.
1) I want to be.<br>
2) I love him.
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