[MujerMamaMismo]

The preamble to this post is that I cannot legally marry my DP but I don't think I would want to even if I could. My future, as far as i can see it, will be with her. After 6 years we are still blissfully happy and in love but I'm just not into the old institution of marriage with it's patriarchal, 'ownership' roots. I also don't feel like I need the state to sanction my relationship in order to validate it as good and real. (Don't get me wrong - I FULLY support same-sex marriage as an issue of civil rights and I'm not here to judge anyone who does choose marriage...I just don't think it's my thing)<br><br>
So - that's what I think but I know lots of people think that and then get married anyway. Lots of them bow to family pressure, others do it when they want to start a family. What I want to know is if you too are resistant to marriage and why? AND/OR if you did marry after thinking you wouldn't, why'd you do it and did it make a difference?<br>
And of course - if you are firmly partnered but unmarried - how did you get to that place? Why have have you made that choice?

 

[Calidris]

For me, I see marriage as fulfilling one of two roles, religious or financial. I am not terribly religious, and I am not financially dependent on my DP, so to me, marriage was never important.<br><br>
In addition, marriage seems somewhat obligating to me, and I would rather not think my DP is staying with me due to obligation rather than want.<br><br><br>
*note that these are MY opinions and feelings I am not judging others for whom marriage means something else, nor am I suggesting that anyone else be judged by my standards.

 

[JTSmommie1]

There are several reasons we aren't married. We've been together almost three years and don't live together.<br><br>
1. We've both been married twice before, a little gunshy of it now.<br><br>
2. Logistically, we can't even figure out living together yet. Our houses are both paid for and we both refuse to get in to a mortgage situation. I don't want my son going to the "big city" schools and he agrees.<br><br>
3. I'm not sure that we even really want to live together, it works now, maybe 24/7 togetherness would cause it to fall apart. Sometimes we talk about getting married and continuing to live in seperate households. But with his illness, he and I don't want me ending up responsible for a lot of his bills when he passes away. But I know that when he passes I will regret not being able to "have his name". Just the old fashioned in me.<br><br>
But, all that said, I have bought the dress I want to marry him in some day. Doesn't make sense, does it? lol<br><br>
Laura

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

we are in the same spot as you are - except that we would get married if we could. tried in '04 when it was legal in Multnomah County, OR - was nullified a couple of months later.

 

[sphinxie]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>jessper44</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7900818"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">AND/OR if you did marry after thinking you wouldn't, why'd you do it and did it make a difference?</div>
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I wouldn't say I was strongly resistant to marriage, but my preference was towards common law marriage... same with my partner.<br><br>
Since we're citizens of different countries, if we wanted to be together we had to marry.<br><br>
In retrospect I'm glad that we're married. In some ways it's legally easier, it's sorta romantic, etc. Because of the logistics involved due to other cross-national considerations, though, the whole thing was a lot more complicated than I would have prefered.

 

[STBSM]

I can not marry my DP due to my ex and my DP being in the military. I can not marry him unless I leave my daughter with her father and THAT is NOT going to happen. So, as much as I love him. Thier will never be a marriage.

 

[cjuniverse]

I'm married, never thought I would be. Wish I wasn't.<br><br>
I'm not a fan of marriage in either the philosophical or practical sense. I'm just not a fan at all, really. There's not much need for marriage in the world I envision.<br><br>
But stay married I shall, for the time being. It's just kind of how it worked out for me...

 

[guest9921]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Calidris</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7900961"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">For me, I see marriage as fulfilling one of two roles, religious or financial. I am not terribly religious, and I am not financially dependent on my DP, so to me, marriage was never important.</div>
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<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br><br>
Along those lines, I also see it as a government tool, as it is linked to taxes and rights, and its enveloping religious in that context as well - and to me, thats not okay.<br><br>
The government discriminates against those who are not married - ie, we had to jump through hoops to get my Ds's father on his birth certificate. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: [To be treated like a floozy, because I did not sign that marriage certificate?] <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Cuss.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="cuss"><br><br>
My partner (and I,) will not recieve many rights that married couples do, because we're not willing to allow the government and its political viewpoints into our bedroom or relationship.<br><br><br>
Its also Not okay that our state (wisconsin) has written discrimination into its consitution, and I will Not stand behind that, or even turn a blind eye to it.<br>
Unless all consenting adults are given their right to marry, I will not condone it by my heterosexual "privilege."<br><br>
Another part of it, as stated above, we're not religious, so we do not need to sanction our commitment under 'God.'<br><br><br><br>
/Off my soapbox<br><br><br><br>
Edit: Oh, and I will be changing my last name to DH's very soon, its important to me - I hold little stock in my last name, and I'd like to share Ds's. We were going to use mine, but his is a bit neater, and uglier - in that ugly beautiful way.

 

[Yoshua]

To me marraige is a religious institution.<br><br>
The government has corrupted it and adopted it's own version of it, even though the church and state are SUPPOSED to remain separate.<br><br><br>
I don't want to get married on the grounds that I don't think it is the governments business who gets married. Christianity is not the only religion practiced in America and there ARE religions that sanction same sex marraiges.<br><br><br>
In my opinion Marraige should be between 2 people and their comitment to eachother. The state should not have a hand in that in any way shape or form.<br><br>
However, I do believe that Civil Unions should be acknowledged by the state. I think that the difference is that a Civil Union should not require someone to be MARRIED. 2 people living in the same house supporting eachother should be able to go into a binding contract under the government with penalties and rules regarding what happens if they separate. It wouldn't matter what sex you are in any way shape or form, and you wouldn't technically even have to be in a relationship in my opinion. Just adult, and willing to go into a binding contract that gives you rights over eachother in case of emergencies so that you can make decisions for eachother and whatever else would fall in line to the privilages of being in a Civil Union with another person.<br><br><br><br><br><br>
I got married once thinking that it was a binding ceremony where 2 people would be together forever. I found out however that the bind between 2 people is only as strong as the weakest link and no contract is going to make that bind any stronger.<br><br>
It took less than a week to get a marraige contract and over 3 months to get out of it when the marriage should have just been dissolved.<br><br><br><br><br><br>
I love my SO, and if we did give in to peer pressure to get married for whatever reason we would have lost over 75% of our income tax return this year. So the financial benefits would not have made any sense in our situation. The only reason I would have to get married at this point in time is to adopt my step son, which at this point in time isn't even an option so that wouldn't make any sense either.

 

[lilyka]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>JTSmommie1</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7901089"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">But I know that when he passes I will regret not being able to "have his name". Just the old fashioned in me.</div>
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off topic but . .<br>
so why not just take his name if you want it (and he wants you to have it)? I mean technically unless you have some sort of criminal history a few dollars and a court date, and a little red tape will get you whatever name your heart desires. You could be Laura Lou Snuckerbutt if the mood strikes you. no need to be married in the legal sense just to have the same name as someone you love.

 

[stacey2061]

well, i was/am one of those who doesn't feel the need to be married, yet i am anyway <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> i tend to see marriage as something that complicates things<br><br>
we were together for 6 years before we got married, already had one child together, owned a home, had a joint chequing account, etc...and everyone kept asking when we were going to get married. the answer would have remained "never" if it were up to me but it was important to DH. since i felt neutral about it but he wanted to be married, we went ahead and got married. we didn't have a wedding, just a private ceremony on the beach where we first met with only 2 witnesses and the officiant (and our son) ~ we didn't even tell anyone we were doing it ahead of time.<br>
now the question i keep getting asked is, "When are you going to change your last name?" i had planned to do that sometime soon for or kids' sake but being asked that makes me not want to change it <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">

 

[MysteryMama]

"Dh" and I are not (legally) married. I have a beautiful engagement ring that he calls my "wedding ring". I refer to him as "dh" because for all practical purposes, he IS my husband. The reason that we are not yet legally married is financial. We are broke right now, and I don't want to run off to the court house. We would both like to have a small ceremony in a foreign country followed by a nice (and probably expensive) honeymoon. Also if we were married I would not qualify for medicaid and would be having an unassisted pregnancy, not by choice. It'll probably be quite a while (5 years maybe) before we are in a position to get married.

 

[Liquesce]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>jessper44</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7900818"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">AND/OR if you did marry after thinking you wouldn't, why'd you do it and did it make a difference?</div>
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I'd always been an "it's just a meaningless piece of paper" person, until I met my husband to whom marriage seriously <i>mattered</i>. Because it mattered, with him it wasn't just a meaningless paper and the meaningfulness to him itself was meaningful to me. So yes, it made a very tangible difference in the nature/strength/intimacy of our relationship, but it's a difference that I don't think can really be adequately explained to those outside of that. Nor do I think it's a difference that necessarily applies to everyone. Way more than beauty, marriage is in the eye of the beholder.

 

[laprettygurl]

The right person hasn't asked me yet. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">

 

[EnviroBecca]

We've been happily unmarried for 13 years<br>
...because we respect each other as free individuals and cherish our relationship all the more because it is voluntary.<br>
...because we feel our commitment is a private thing between us, forged in repeated spontaneous moments, and would not be improved by a public ceremony.<br>
...because we just don't like the idea of marriage or see any reason to do it.<br>
...because we believe we can treat each other right without being forced to do so by the government, whose ideas of "right" don't necessarily match ours.<br>
...because we have no desire to "own" each other.<br>
...because our relationship is not exclusive, and if we find the perfect additional partner(s) we want to embrace them into our relationship on an equal level.<br>
...because we have seen so much evidence that the commitment of marriage is NOT inherently permanent and that people trying to keep a marriage together just for the sake of keeping their promise often do a lot of damage to themselves and their families.<br>
...because we prefer to make our financial and legal decisions as independent individuals.<br>
...because we prefer not to affiliate ourselves with the unappealing stereotypes of wives and husbands.<br>
...and many more reasons--we think of more every time we talk about it!<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">The government discriminates against those who are not married - ie, we had to jump through hoops to get my Ds's father on his birth certificate. [To be treated like a floozy, because I did not sign that marriage certificate?]</td>
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Seems to me that establishing paternity is a perfectly reasonable policy that ought to be applied to everyone. (NOTE: I've only done this in one state. It's possible that in other states the "hoops" are much more annoying than in PA. We filled out one form, got it signed by a witness, and put it in the mail.) Genetic research shows that 20-30% of children born to married men are NOT their biological children. The legal situation here in PA, upheld by a state supreme court decision just a few years ago, is IMO actually more discriminatory toward married people: A married man is the legal father of any child born to his wife during the marriage, EVEN IF he and she and another man all are certain the other man is the father and DNA testing proves it! That's stupid and perpetuates the idea that women and children are men's property. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry">

 

[mommy68]

Have you thought about getting your longtime girlfriend to get her last name changed? I think she can do that legally but it takes some time. I did that with an old boyfriend that I never did marry (thank god). We dated 11 yrs and neither of us wanted to be married so we chose to do it that way. I'm glad in my situation that I did that because I married later to my real soulmate.<br><br>
On the one hand I can see your point in not needing to do things legally just to prove your commitment to one another and keeping it simple between you. But it can seem more like a fear to outsiders if you live like you're married but don't take the leap and do it legally. Most people (including myself) wonder whats the difference? Why make such a big deal either way. If you feel this way now while you have no legal paper between you then whose to say it will change just because you get legally married? If you are so strong as a couple then why don't you feel you can still stay strong as a married couple? You must have a real fear that things will change for the negative or else you'd just do it because it wouldn't matter anyway, does that make sense?

 

[rere]

Hmmm?Well,my husband and I got married after 15 yrs. of "dating".And yes,it is different.It's different the way people treat us.It is the same between us.I was somewhat suprised at the difference it made to some other people.<br><br>
We got married because we didn't want to jump through hoops.The government does discriminate against the unmarried.We wanted to have legal rights to each other without all the trouble.We also got married because we wanted to have a celebration.And it was a lovely celebration that we still talk about 4 years later.Sometimes one of us will just say"hey,remember that day we got married?".It's sweet.Oh,and my husband kept trying to call me his wife before we were married and I wasn't going for that.

 

[memz]

I have been "dating" DP for 6 years, living together for 5/12. We have been engaged for 2 of the 6 years. We are planning to marry but I don't think it will happen soon. The main reason being money. And anyway we would not be marrying for religious reasons and there is no financial reason to do so either. We will get married to celebrate our love.<br><br>
When people ask us if we are married and we say No...They say Oh wait and see when you get married.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
What !!!! We have been together for 6 years, living as a "married" couple. Is there going to be a difference the minute I have the paper that is going to make me love him more or less, make us fight more or less. I don't think so. And that bugs the hell out of me<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
So it is as if saying that us not being married that our commitement doesn't mean anything.<br><br>
Vent over<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">

 

[Anglyn]

For us we couldnt get married originally because DH had some issues to straighten out with the IRS and we did not want my assessts involved in that. Plus the property we bought togather is in my name for that reason. Now that those issues are sorted out, there is still the issue that if we are married, We lose out big financially on income taxes.<br><br>
We have been togahter five years, live togather, have kids togather, call each other husband and wife. For us, there is no diffrence between what we are doing now and having a piece of paper. We probally will eventually for all the legal stuff that would be much easier.<br><br>
We did sign the form in the hospital saying dh was dd's father but last year when I finally got a copy of her bc.....it doesnt list a father at all. I was livid and Im not sure what to do about it.

 

[Jster]

We're ceremonially, but not legally married. The ceremony was so beautiful, such a reflection of our love for one another, such a joyful welcome of DH into my family and our committment to one another and the girls and any future children.<br><br>
That being said...there's a part of me, the divorced part, the skeptical part, maybe the anarchist part, that wants to have nothing to do with the government sanctioning our marriage. FL decided to not allow common law marriages, so that was it's loss, really, or else our marriage would already be "legal." We benefit financially from not being married, although I don't know if that would be the case forever. We've talked about getting legally married one day, and might, if it seemed beneficial in some way. It has some importance to DH, but since no one except our pastor knows we aren't legally married, what's the difference? A matter of official paperwork? Bah...not going to worry about that.<br><br>
But the ceremony I wouldn't have passed up for anything. I was a little worried about it, just being, well, weird, to get married a second time. But I was always so hesitant about marrying my ex, and even refused to have the "till death" language in our ceremony/vows, that there was a world of difference this time (not that we used that specific language, but in the vows we wrote to one another, we promised ourselves for all the seasons. Means a lot more, really).