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I'm in a really rough place right now. I know that I really need help and support. I totally acknowledge that I'm really bad about asking for it when I need it. But I am absolutely sick of people offering to help, and then if I cave and actually ask them. I get absolutely lame-o reasons why they can't help me out just then.<br><br>
And I'm not talking about can you loan me a $1000 and give me a place to live kind of help. I'm talking about can you watch my kids for an hour so I can meet with the lawyer, will you come look at this apartment with me, can I borrow your truck so I can move a table so my kids will have something to eat off of help.<br><br>
I feel really alone. It seems that I am now either tainted by divorce and therefore communicable and need to be avoided. Or I'm just the latest episode of Jerry Springer and my friends tune in every so often to gawk at the problems of other people. I'm sorry but I need help!! And I don't really care anymore if it interferes with your yoga class, naptime, work schedule, laundry, you agreed to meet your mother for lunch.<br><br>
After what has happened with X I have enough trouble trusting people. And I'm feeling like a loser that I keep putting myself out there to be pooped on <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bawling.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bawl">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> I couldn't read & not respond - I hope things get better and people actually follow through for you.<br><br>
Peace to you & your family.
 

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I know exactly how you feel.<br><br>
The same thing has happened to me. I have all this family offering me "Hey, if you need ANYTHING, just call me, ok?" And it feels really good to hear, doesn't it? It feels really good to have someone offer their help.<br><br>
And then, when push came to shove, and I needed help moving out of my house (and we're talking some SERIOUS moving here, my ex had left the house in such ill repute that it was unbelievable just how much TRASH was in there) no one was to be found. People gave excuses. People said they were busy.<br><br>
It really makes you feel like crap when they do that. It makes you think that you are not worth their time, doesn't it?<br><br>
But then I realized something in the middle of it. I draw inspiration from quotes, everywhere I go, and of all places I was watching a movie and I heard the following:<br><br><i>Why do we fall? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up!</i><br><br>
Sometimes you have to go it alone. Sometimes doing it all by yourself is in the grand design of things, and it's teaching you that you have the strength inside of yourself to pick yourself up.<br><br>
So cheer up, you're stronger than you thought you could be. You better than you ever were, and you have what it takes to be self-sufficient and still move forward.<br><br>
I commend you for making it on your own. It's very tough, but in the end, you truly find what you are made of and come through it all a better person.<br><br>
Good luck. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Oh, dear, i´m so sorry! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I can completely sympathize with feeling that way. I am actually cutting off a "friend" right now who said she would absolutely, positively be there for me when the time came to help me move.<br><br>
I helped her move last month with my four month old in tow, and now that I am moving this month, she rearranged her schedule at work so she has every other weekend off. She was working every weekend, which is no fun, but she promised me she would help, and could have switched her schedule next week, but she didn't. She switched it this week, and now that absolutely, positively there for me friend, isn't.<br><br>
I have also had so many people say "Just ask, and I will help with ANYTHING", but they are always busy, away, or working. It is so frustrating, it makes you feel like you have done something wrong.<br><br>
I feel like the only way I can feel better about myself is to help someone else who really needs it. That way, I know I have put some positive energy out into the world, and hopefully when I need it most, I will get something back.<br><br>
I am so sorry you are feeling bad mama. Know you are not alone in feeling that way.
 

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Sweeny, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">.<br><br>
This reminds me of advice I've read about how all those well-meaning offers of help that often come with a birth or death. When someone says "If you need help with anything, let me know." respond immediately with "Hey, yeah, could you stay w/DC for an hour on Thursday while I meet with my lawyer?" or whatever you may need.<br><br>
It can be easier for some people to have a specific task scheduled. Others make the offer wanting to be helpful, but without really thinking through what they are saying. Asking for something specific can help clarify that for both of you.<br><br>
I hope you get what you need, Sweeny.
 

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I'vebeen there - there were people that said "phone me if you EVER need anything" and pretty much every single one of them had excuses if I actulaly asked for help with anything or didn't anser their phone return messages. I took months for me to finally give up on a lot of friendships and that a lot of people I thought were my friends, actually weren't and didn't really expect to get called to help. and by some some of what I was looking for was just people to spend some time with "hey stbx has the kids next Sunday - wanna go do something?" that kind of message wou;dn't get returned either from a bunch of people - not just if I needed help moving something or watching kids to go to an appointment.<br><br>
It takes timeto build a new support system - I've met some other single parents and they've said the same thing happened to them on the friends vanishing and their friends now are totally different ones - it's so hard but you'll get through it and come out better (at least that's what I tell myself). I'malso working on a babysitting list - money is tight - but somethims if I'mpaying someone - at least I can get to that appointment.
 

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I am so sorry. I've heard the I'm sorry I have to put my child down for a nap thing before <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Meanwhile there's a hotel I drive by and my dd says "we used to live there" But my family did come help me move my stuff into storage. I am really grateful for that.<br><br>
There are some people who you would not expect that will step up and practically work miracles so don't give up on everyone just yet.<br><br>
If you can afford it pay movers, that's how I got my stuff out of storage. My babysitter brought her dp over to fix my lawnmower.
 

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so sorry to hear this, Sweeney. I have had similar experiences; but my advice would be to keep asking. Yes, as Vypros said, you *could* do it all on your own and feel stronger that way. But the fact is, who can move a household all alone, with two children in tow? You're just supposed to hoist that king-sized bed up on one shoulder while holding your kids' hands with the other arm?? The fact is, some tasks, many tasks, DO require multiple people to be pulled off successfully.<br><br>
Maybe if you called one of these people who had earlier offered to help, and said, "I need to do such and such (move a couch, go to the lawyer, etc); and I can't do it alone.....when might you be free to help me?" and *then* schedule the event (if possible)? That way the "friend" gets to choose when to do it, and has no excuse to back out of the offer.<br><br>
Your post made me cry myself, thinking of how alone you must feel, and then thinking of how alone I have felt so often.<br><br>
What hurt me the most was when a friend of mine who offered to be my lifeline when I told him the news of my impending separation--who said I could email him 50 times a day and he'd write me back, I could fly out and stay with him and his wife whenever I needed; he'd fly out to help me if I needed, etc, etc, etc....(not that I actually took him up on any of these extreme offers) well, this "friend", after acting like a real friend for about 6 months, suddenly stopped. He and I had a good phone conversation one day last February, and I haven't heard from him since. A couple of months later I left him a message asking what was going on...no response! I know he didn't die because he's an eminent professor and easy to look up. I wanted to help him out, too, if he was in trouble. But I still haven't heard a word. From beloved, lifelong friend to total stranger overnight.<br><br>
Why do people do these things? Maybe they don't realize how hurtful their actions (or lack thereof) are.
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">I feel like the only way I can feel better about myself is to help someone else who really needs it. That way, I know I have put some positive energy out into the world, and hopefully when I need it most, I will get something back.<br></div>
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Amen to that!<br><br>
It feels incredibly good when I can rise above my situation and give to someone else.<br><br>
I have also had friends not step up to the plate; one in particular who I consider very stingy with herself, iykwim. I asked anyone but her for help even though she was allegedly one of my best friends. I finally did have to call on her and oh my she was incredibly begruding ...<br><br>
It ISN"T about you or that you are divorced. People have great intentions, but when push comes to shove, they mostly put themselves first--sacrifice doesn't come easy in our current culture.<br><br>
So, I repeat, it isn't about you -- it is about others' selfishness.<br><br>
I have been very blessed by a number of people who *have* stepped up to the plate and really really supported me so it makes it easier to swallow when others don't. I am sorry that hasn't been true for you.<br><br>
I hope a few angels do show up and in the meantime, know that it really isn't about you -- most folks are just too into self-preservation to extend themselves.<br><br>
Hugs,<br><br>
M
 
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