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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I know no one can make any decision on this expect me.<br><br>
Backround quickie-been together for 15 years- married 12-2 kids under 7-I fought cancer and won with him by my side-he has recently been dx with bipolar II-he cheated with someone in group on my daughters birthday-he broke my foot in May-he left us 2weeks ago.<br><br>
I wish I could come to a decision about what to do with the relationship.<br><br>
You would think after he broke my foot, cheated on me (emotionally-no physical acts-he had lunch with exchanged phone numbers and went to HER house to talk-will I ever know? he says <i>nothing</i> happened), and left I and his children 2x, the decision would be quite clear. For some reason something is holding me back, I have no clue what, yet when I see him I have no longing for him to come into the house and when I look at him I just am angry. I do not feel sorry for him.<br><br>
I feel like I can trust nothing he says. I am on guard every time he talks to me. Listening too in depth for some missing message or for him to mess up his conversation about where he was or has been or what he has been doing. I wish he would mess up again, like call <i>her</i> or something so I could more easily, and would immediately, cut off the relationship. But again I ask myself why would I want to be tortured more time? Have I not had enough mental abuse as it is from him? Maybe it is from all the years I have suffered mental abuse from my father that I have created a certain tolerance for it; which would also be BS because that man was the worst.<br><br>
I also feel like now that I am re-arranging my life and my children’s due to him leaving us (because he was not happy and needs time to think, to see if his mental illness is the cause for his unhappiness not me-not to go back to her), that if he decides he does want to come back and really work on things why should I?<br><br>
He is forcing me to live like a single mother (while he is off thinking) and I feel it is his fault I have to live this way. It <i>is</i> his fault.<br>
If he comes back, I am going to have to rearrange again, to meet his needs. Aren’t I?<br><br>
I do not want to –not right now any way. I am tired of trying to make it work. I tried and he did not like my efforts. He left after a week of me pouring my heart out to change and do what ever he needed. After I let him come back home a week after he cheated. I forgave him, let him come home and in one week, he left me again.<br><br>
I do not know what I am waiting for here.<br>
What do I think is going to change?<br>
What is my hope?<br><br>
He wants to move furniture out so he can live on his own. That is so permanent to me. Maybe after that I will be more apt to file something.<br><br>
Those of you in separation-is it worth it?<br>
How does this work?<br><br>
I just do not get how it can benefit a relationship when 2 main complaints from the leaver are parenting decisions and sex. Can you work on those issue while separated and feeling so hurt?<br><br>
He now tells me to work up what ever schedule I want for him to see the kids. Yet he has cried so much that he gets no say in our kids going ons. He is so confusing to me. He always has been like this.<br><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br>
sorry so long..I will stop here..reply if you like....
 

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I've never been in your situation or ever in a separation/divorce but wanted to give you a virtual hug. So many views with no replies.<br><br>
From where I sit the answer is clear - don't let him back in, starting making some plans/decisions and taking some steps to your new life as a single mama, and move forward. Do NOT allow yourself to be pulled back into what you know is not healthy for you or your children. (Notice I didn't say "don't let him pull you back"? It is YOUR choice as to whether you go back, stay where you are, or move forward.)<br><br>
Definitely not easy on ANY front but only you know what is the right thing to do.
 

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As I read your post it full of his decisions, or lack of. I think it is time you step up and decide what you want with your life. Do you want him in it and if so how are you going to make that happen. If you are tired of this than tell <i>him</i> your done. I think you should not be waiting on his decisions.
 

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Hi. These are my impressions based on my experience, and what I get from your post, so if there are places that do not fit for you, just take what you like and leave the rest.<br><br>
The complete lack of trust and his lack of regard for how his choices are affecting the family. HUGE red flags, honey. I can see that you know that. Whatever is going on with him --and you do not need to know what it is-- is not looking remotely compatible with healthy family life.<br><br>
What concerns me, and I can see it concerns you, too, is that given this rather stark situation, you still feel a pull to opening yourself up to reunion if that is what *he* chooses. Almost sort of this other unconscious brain at work saying "yes, this is a fit" while your usual daytime brain is going: "RUN!"<br><br>
And it sounds like you have some family-of-origin stuff that mirrors this, so the roots are deep. The ways you learned to cope when you were a child are still in play today, but now as an adult you have much better options than you did as a child--if you can only access them. The question is, how to turn off those old coping habits that no longer serve you and turn on some new skills that can really help you have the life you (and your children) deserve. The life you have in you, that is aligned with truth and love and healthy relationships.<br><br>
Do you have the possibility of counseling for yourself?<br><br>
I am like a broken record on this forum about Al-Anon, help for families of Alcoholics; I do not know if you have any history of people drinking too much in your family of origin or other relationships, but for me Al-Anon has totally helped me turn my boat around and start heading out to better seas.<br><br>
Find some source of support for yourself for thinking and approaches that are self-caring. You and your children deserve a fabulous life!
 

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I think the fact that you are asking, indicates that deep down, you know what you want to do and need to do, it's just scary.<br><br>
I will tell you, from experience, it seems that the 'thinking' about leaving is MORE scary than actually leaving. Once you make a decision and start moving in that direction, things really do start to come together more easily than you think they will.<br><br>
If your child was in the marriage you've described, what would you tell them to do? That is likely your answer.<br><br>
Many hugs and blessings to you.
 

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are you afraid of him? Are you afraid of your children being around him? It sounds like your feelings are not going to change.
 

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I agree with the pp about counseling for yourself and al-anon. Even if there's no alcoholism, this group will be helpful because the root problem in these kind of relationships is co-dependency. One person is over responsible and the other is under responsible. I was in a relationship like this with an emotionally and verbally abusive man for 13 years. It ended recently when I came to my senses (through counseling) and left. It has been very helpful and healing to see a counselor to figure out why I stayed in a crappy relationship so long and how NOT to make the same mistakes in the future. My stbx was mentally unstable - depressed I know for sure and possibly dx'd with some other mental issue after I left. Its no fun being married to a mentally ill person. I have 2 other friends that did it for 20+ years. Listening to them helped me make the decision to leave when I did. I didn't want the rest of my life to be about him and his problems like it had been. I lost myself when the relationship started. I've been out on my own for a few months now and I am beginning to find myself again. It is soooo nice. My mom even commented recently that its nice to have me back - I had unknowingly shut my family out for all these years too trying to hide the ugly truth of my marriage. Its wonderful to be back. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I hope you find the same to be true. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
The thinking about leaving was harder than the separating. It hasn't been easy at all but, it is movement forward. It is difficult and unfair to live by someone else's I'm here/I'm not. You make the decisions/I have no say. I'm living a lot of this myself.<br><br>
I wish you well. I'm trying to find my answers every day. Every day feels like it would be so easy to just go back, but that is not healthy for any of us. Making decisions has forced him to acknowledge that I'm acting rather than just riding his ride.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thank you everyone for your words..<br><br>
I do have a counselor and I go to her 2x a week. I just started last week and have been journaling this whole process at the suggestion of my SIL who went through divorce and found this to be very helpful for herself and when it came time to go to court.<br><br>
I found a NAMI group I am going to attend 1x week called family to family to help me understand him now-not to help me make a different decision- but to help me cope with him and the new life when we still will <i>have</i> to come together due to our children.<br><br>
Am I afraid of him?...I am more afraid of him just up and leaving us again as I see this to be a pattern amongst BP individuals and my readings. Yes, there is a chance he could explode again like he did-well I know there is a positive chance- his therapists tell him to stay away from me until they hear no more anger coming out of him from therapy. They assure me my children are safe though since he is no longer suicidal and has had no homicidal thoughts. I don't know though. I am entirely PO'ed at his doc's office for how they handled many things.<br>
Considering writing something to the APA...<br><br>
I just need to keep myself and my children happy and safe from <i>any</i> harm emotional or physical. I truly believe emotional abuse is worse than the physical....<br>
Come and go... come and go...not good for all of us...<br><br>
Should I stay or should I go now?<br>
He should go...he left then he stays away.<br>
Big smack in the face to me for forgiving him 2x..<br><br>
isn't there a saying for that?<br>
Fool me once shame on you<br>
Fool me twice shame on me<br>
Fool me three times-well I won't be fooled again..<br>
did Bush ruin this one or is it good for my siggy?<br><br>
hhhmmmmmm
 
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