[learnlovebe]

This may be a bit of a vent, even though I've had a couple days to cool off now. Oh, and it's probably going to get long, but I need to get it out (and my poor dh has had to listen to 2 days of me going off now)!

My in-laws were up to visit from out of state this last weekend. Since ds was born, they've tried to make a trip every 3-4 months or so (it's about a 14 hour drive). Thankfully, we were renting when ds was born and didn't have room for them so they got a hotel, but we've bought a house since then and they now stay with us. Ususally, it's not too bad... a short and sweet visit of just a couple days. This time, however, not the case. I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy horomones or what...but I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to tolerate 2 more visits before the end of summer (my ds's 2nd birthday and after the birth of this one).

This trip the goal was to get the baby's room painted. My dh and FIL did all the work. I LOVE it, and I'm thankful for their help! But while they were painting, my dh and f-i-l had some interesting conversations.
1) my husband endured 2 days worth of republican rhetoric (we're so NOT republican).
2) Then my FIL questioned the spacing of our children (if this baby goes full term there will be 2 years 6 weeks between ds and this baby). Why would you want them so close together, he asked?
3) THEN, after another conversation about vehicles and us wanting to get a mini-van but not having a big enough down payment to bring the monthly payments down, my FIL had this to say: Well, I hope you're done after this one, if you can't afford a mini-van w/ 2, how could you support more children?

God bless my dh, he didn't tell me about this conversation until after his parents left, I don't think I would have been able to be civil after hearing about that.

So after hearing the above comments, other things that were said this weekend REALLY started to bother me.

We told our parents the gender of this baby. My DH had a really sweet idea- we got 2 identical "grandparents-to-be" cards, and put a little pink sock in each one, then let our mothers open them at the same time (my parents came over to see my in-laws while they were here). My parents seemed overjoyed...his mother simply acted like we gave her a "have a nice day" card. No big deal. Then she turns to me and says, "Well, I know someone who would really like some little boys clothes!" My dh's brother and his wife are expecting this summer too. I'm supposed to just turn over all my baby clothes because we're having a girl?

Over the course of their stay, my MIL also said, TWICE, that she really hopes my son isn't gifted/genius/etc (her word for that is WEIRD). Because, in her words, "They just don't turn out right." I really don't think she has anything to worry about, but STILL, why do you have to say it like that?

I mentioned homeschooling. These comments I'm ready for...what about socialization? that seemed to be her biggest concern. Um, I'm more social than any of YOUR children, do you really think you need to be worried that one of MY children will lack in social skills? Not to mention the fact that I've heard her other son (the one who will be a father soon) make some of the rudest comments I've ever heard an adult make in my life and she just allows it? Not exactly the social skills I have in mind for my children. Like I said, I'm prepared for objections to homeschooling, but with everything else that was said, I'm just irked.

Mostly I'm just irritated by the child spacing and # of children comment. And I don't know why i'm so irritated because I should have been ready for this. My in-laws, I do love them, but they are unable to grasp ANYTHING that is outside their experience/ideals/beliefs. Everyone on my MIL's side of the family ONLY has 2 children, why would I think they they wouldn't expect that of us? They can expect all they want, it doesn't mean that it's gonna happen! We're going to have as many children as my DH and I think is right for OUR family. Grrrr.

thanks for listening to me rant, I love this board.

 

[christibale]

s I am so sorry. I have my own set of in-law trouble.

Just do what you have to do, what is right for you and let the comments roll off you. The more upset you get, the harder it is for the baby to be happy and grow. IMHO

There is a reason that I keep everything SUPER secret until after the baby is born. Many people don't dare say mean things to a mama that just went through childbirth. And if they do, my husband will remove them from our house or our life.

 

[Quindin]

Hugs to you!

I know to well about nosy and rude in-laws.
I have heard most of the things you mentioned, and then some (like I should get "fixed" because we can barely managed the kids we have and because I need a plastic surgery!)
Sadly, some people feel they have the right and obligation to tell you what to do, specially when you become a parent, so all you can do is not to engage with them.
I still get very worked up and feel tempted to explain my choices, but that takes you nowhere: people like that are NOT interested in hearing your reasons and plans - they just want to get you to do what THEY deem is right.
My DH handles it beautifully every time by not even bothering to enter into a discussion about things we have decided. If they insist we are crazy/wrong he just replies: "DW and I have decided this is the best way to do it and are hapy with our decision. There is nothing to discuss" It may sound rude, but if we don't do that, they continue on and on with their disrespectful criticism and accusations.

The bad news is that people like that, when they can't engage with the parents, move on to interrogating the kids directly when they get older

DD is becoming better at not feeling like she owes any explanation, but it is incredile my MIL feels like she has the right to put the kids on the spot or undermine us to them!

Let's just say that we were so clear that she had crossed the line after her last meddling session, that now MIL
has decided she will visit her other kids instead for a while - YAY!!!!

But yeah, this sucks! So keep cool and don't waste your time explaining your choices.

 

[mags]

Oh, I empathize! Not only is my mil like that, but my parents are too! So, I deal with it from both sides. The only advice I have, if you are open to advice is NOT to let them suck you into their conversations. I will refuse to play, either by not answering at all, if they say something inappropriate, or totally changing the topic. I feel that this keeps them from getting the upper hand on the conversation and from, "lecturing/criticizing" me. Stuff like homeschooling, breastfeeding, vax, politics, anything that I KNOW we will disagree on, I jsut avoid the topic all together, b/c I KNOW they are not open minded enough about it, that all they will do is shoot me down. I guess what I am saying is, pick your battles wisely and better yet, don't let them go to battle at all by nipping "conversations" going down that path right away so they do not get to the point where you feel like you are being attacked.

 

[learnlovebe]

Thanks for the support, ladies! You're all so right...I just need to avoid these conversations in the first place- especially now that I know where they stand. I thought they *might* be okay w/ homeschooling, because it has come up before, but for now I think it's probably best to avoid all subject matter regaurding anything of importance. Because of prior conversations, my FIL knows better than to bring up anything political in front of me...we're pretty much opposite on every issue and he knows that. I think he prefers and audience whom he can persuade (or feel like he can persuade) rather than a confrontation.

My dh is a good one to just let him talk, but usually the political conversations aren't personal. Attempting to persuade our family planning choices is VERY personal, and I think my dh was surprised and hurt by his criticisms. Until now, they've never challenged a decison he's made. So it's an interesting turn of events, so to speak. Still frustrating though.

Still, I know the best thing for us is to not let it bother us. We won't have to deal w/ them again until my ds's birthday in June (unless my sis in law goes in labor that week, is it wrong to hope for that?).

 

[mamaveggie]

I empathize with you on the inlaw thing. I don't bring up anything with them anymore after learning my lesson with the first two. If they have any questions, I give them short direct answers and leave it at that.

 

[georgiegirl1974]

I feel your pain.

Unfortunately the only way I know how to deal with my inlaws is with alcohol...LOL. (Last time they were here, when DD turned 2, I swear I had 2 glasses of wine every night to deal with them.) They are coming for 5 weeks when this one is due. (they live in Europe and only come once a year for an extended visiti.) I have no idea what I will do this time since alcohol is not an option...LOL...and I'll be way too pregnant to take a kick-boxing class.

Maybe some of our labor preparations (learning how to relax and be calm) will come in handy with the ILs.

 

[LindsC]

I feel your pain too. My MIL makes those types of comments everytime she calls or visits. The funny thing is that she was pressuring us to have a baby when we had DS because she wanted another grandchild and once he was born she basically ignores him and has seen him less than a handful of times in the last 2 years.
I have just learned to pick my battles with her and sometimes I really have to hold my tongue, but I don't want to be rude to her in front of my son, especially at the age he is at now.

 

[gossamerwindweb]

I am actually having friend problems,not in law problems, but much the same. I'm about ready to dump my real life friends and move on! At least you CAN do that with friends, unlike family

 

[learnlovebe]

Quote:

Originally Posted by georgiegirl1974 I feel your pain. Unfortunately the only way I know how to deal with my inlaws is with alcohol...LOL. (Last time they were here, when DD turned 2, I swear I had 2 glasses of wine every night to deal with them.)

Too funny! Right after they left, my husband got himself a beer! I was like...why didn't you think of that sooner? (we're really not big drinkers!)

But now that you mention it...I usually have a drink or two each night when we're visiting them...hmmmmm, I don't do that at home!

 

[veganmama719]

Oh yeah, I went off on another board about my ILs just before the weekend.

Mine are not even that bad, I am just hormonal and bitchy. They are annoying and MIL wants to plan family events for every single weekend and even wants us to go on vacation with them next winter (um, NO!). But I don't get comments like that.

Sheesh, you have my extreme admiration for your poise about it.