Mothering Forum banner
1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
213 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am getting so frustrated with my 16 month old ds. Whenever I ask him to do something (come to Mommy, put that down, etc.) he only does it once I get cross and my voice gets sharp (sometimes to the point of shouting). I don't want to shout at him, and I would like to give him the chance to do what I ask before making him do it (picking him up or taking something out of his hands). But it is driving me bonkers. It seems that I have to get cross at him about everything! Is this a phase?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,562 Posts
I think they get so locked into something that they tune everything else out. Or if he's like my dd, she chooses to tune me out unless I mention the words "cookie" or "time out" and then she's immediately listening. lol!<br><br>
I was just reading in the Raising Your Spirited Child book how sometimes it's important to integrate different ways to get your child's attention. Try talking softly and see if that works. He'll have to pay attention in order to hear what you are saying. Secondly you can try going over and touching him, leaning down to his level, and then talking. I find this works really well with my dd. Sometimes she simply doesn't hear me until I touch her shoulder and then talk to her.<br><br>
Darshani
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,198 Posts
My dd (19 mos) is exactly the same way. For example, when I'm preparing dinner and chopping vegetables, I don't like her to be near me when I am using a knife. I know it's being paranoid, but I'm always afraid that it could slip out of my hand and hurt her. So, I ask her to go to the living room and explain why, then I tell her, then I STERNLY tell her and finally, I raise my voice and she goes back to playing with her blocks. But it's not until I raise my voice that she goes. I am dealing with it as if it's a phase and many times, I just physically show her what I want her to do. I know she understands me but I think sometimes her little brain is so intent on learning and exploring that she doesn't do what I'm asking because it doesn't register. It's not misbehaving (for lack of a better word), she's just busy with something else and my soft words don't make an impact. If I can, I try to put my face at her level, gently ask her to look at me, and talk to her that way. It almost always works and a raised voice isn't necessary. Then there are times I can't get down to her level and I do have to raise my voice. As a friend of mine is fond of quoting, "This too will pass". <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,596 Posts
The thing is -- the more your resort to shouting, the more he will wait until you reach that point to respond. I watch my nephew now and then, and my brother shouts at him constantly. As a result, my nephew is at the point where he *only* repsonds to shouting.<br><br>
16 months is still a baby, IMHO, and I would not expect him to readily "obey" you. Sure, he understands your words -- but he is still learning language and connecting the meaning of your words to an immediate action is probably just too hard for him.<br><br>
At 16 months, I think you have to be really hands on. Your requests need to be coupled with action on your part. You need to be prepared to stand up, walk over to him, and guide him through whatever it is you asked him to do.<br><br>
Don't worry, it gets easier!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
370 Posts
I have found that making eye contact with my DD really helps. If I stop what I am doing and whatever she is doing and look her in the eye while I talk to her she is more likely to listen and respond. Oh yeah - and throw a reference or 2 to "snacks" in there and she is all ears!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,931 Posts
My requests to M are always preceeded by "M please look at mummy. . . . ." I find, as the other poster did, that lookign them in the eye when askign them to do something is the way to go. Also, I like to utilize something I read in "Beyond the Rainbow Bridge."(the waldorf book) They say if you phrase your request the right way, it helps. For example, "M you may take off your jacket and hang it up." Obviously it's a two part request for an OLDER toddler. Many young toddlers cannot process both pieces of the request and only get the first part. But the phrasing of "you MAY" makes them feel priviledged to do that thing you are asking for and they readily do it. Meanwhile you think you are a genius because your kid "obeys" so well. Can I tell you? I thought that was horse baloney. But after a REALLY bad day with my spirited girl, I used that phrase and it WORKED!!!!!! I was so shocked. maybe this would help your little one.<br>
Meg<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hippie.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hippie">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,211 Posts
nak<br><br>
As an early childhood educator and having experienced and loved many a toddler, I can relate to your frustration! However, we must remember that toddlers don't process information the same way older children do. They often need you to be physically right next to them for them to 'hear' you, as the world is so exciting aand new and difficult to filter out. A gentle hand on their shoulder and eye contact help immensely when asking a little one to respond to your directions. Also, some children are still a little slow in processing or computing what is being asked of them. Give them a moment to absorb your request, and if necessary just keep repeating yourself. Sometimes I sing requests in a silly voice or jump around a little. Then they laugh and forget to be contrary. It is hard, I know. At diaper changing/checking time, it was the rare toddler who came on first request. You have to master the firm, 'i mean business' voice without yelling. cildren rarely respond to yelling, and if they do it is out of fear. I save yelling for life and death situations-to stop a biter in his/her tracks for example, if i'm not right there. Dont feel defeated if you have to pick up the child if you need them to go somewhere with you. give the child a chance to respond and if they don't just quietly pick them up.<br><br>
-natalie
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,436 Posts
I raise my voice more than I would like too - however I never expect her to do what I say at 19 mos! She will never come when I ask - never! She's into whatever she's into. I too have the stove/kitchen paranoia - it's a gauntlet. I end up filling the kitchen with a pile of toys so at least she's not by the stove or anything hot or sharp while I am making dinner.<br><br>
I'd wait until 2.5- 3 to expect them to register what you are asking and respond immediately. He's too young yet IMO.<br><br>
One thing that works wonders for them to listen to your wish for them to pick up is singing a song. We learned it in music class and she immediately took to listening and doing when I sing it at home now:<br><br>
"Clean up clean up everybody every where<br>
Clean up clean up everybody do your share"<br><br>
She cleans up with me when I do this.<br><br>
Also, when she's being a booger about eating, I throw a party every time she takes a bite. I clap and sing and say "Yay dd!!!"<br><br>
All I have to do now is do it once or twice and dinner is gone in three minutes.<br><br>
Just some little tips
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
12,185 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by velochic</i><br><b>My dd (19 mos) is exactly the same way. For example, when I'm preparing dinner and chopping vegetables, I don't like her to be near me when I am using a knife. I know it's being paranoid, but I'm always afraid that it could slip out of my hand and hurt her.</b></td>
</tr></table></div>
I have this too. A real fear of knives. Esp. the cuisinart blade - I don't even like to touch it.<br><br>
My friend who is a Freudian-trained therapist told me this is a fear of my own aggressive impulses - that I'm less afraid of "knives" than of hurting my kid with them, on some subconscious level.<br><br>
Somehow this was helpful to me. I would never hurt her, of course, but recognizing that there's anger underlying the situation - that when I need her out of the kitchen because I'm using a knife I'm actually already a little tense - helped me be more reasonable with this instruction.<br><br>
I don't at ALL know if any of this applies to you. But having a kid underfoot while you're cooking can be irritating - I guess that's my point.<br><br>
Ah, Freud.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,198 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I don't at ALL know if any of this applies to you. But having a kid underfoot while you're cooking can be irritating - I guess that's my point.</td>
</tr></table></div>
Well, for me, it's not really irritating to have her "underfoot", (soon, I hope to have her in the kitchen helping me, as I adore cooking from scratch) but it is simply a fear that she can get hurt. I'm actually a really good sous chef, have a great set of sharp knives and just chop really fast. There have been a couple times, when I'm whizzing through veggies and wet hands have caused the knife to slip. It hasn't happened for years, but I know it CAN happen. And that's the fear. I don't mind her being in the kitchen, she just needs to stay away from the chopping area.<br><br>
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Velochic
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,706 Posts
I’ve been noticing that I am yelling at my daughter sometimes also. Sometimes when I feel the need to yell, I raise my hands to the sky and look up and do a low, frustrated, URGH!!!!!!!!!!! Then I take a deep breath, release and then I smile (a real smile) and tell my daughter that she’s driving me crazy, which usually makes me laugh.<br>
I’m not sure how to get what I want to say across but it goes something like this:<br>
I came from a no yelling family and then married a man from a yelling family. I always tell my husband that I could count on one hand the number of times I had been yelled at until I met him. The thing is that my husband’s family, although a yelling one, is a really wonderful family. I guess I see it as a difference in communication style more than some abusive relationship. I think I am trying to say that I don’t think yelling is always as bad as some people think it is. Personally, I used to have a very strong negative reaction from yelling but that’s because I wasn’t exposed to it. Now, I’m a little desensitized and I can see that sometimes yelling is just how people talk about things that they feel strongly about. It doesn’t always have to be abusive degrading stuff.
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Top