[geekgolightly]

I don't know why I don't speak up, and in fact, why I actually make excuses for my way of parenting. Today, I said, when asked why I haven't yet left my child to go see a movie or something,

"Well... you know us... we are hoovering parents."

AS IF THERE IS SOMETHING DYSFUNCTIONAL ABOUT IT.

:

I feel like calling my friend back (who is a very nice person, and it's obviously me who has insecuities and he was just asking a question trying to understand) and telling him that indeed, I am NOT a "hoovering parent" but in fact, a loving parent and then give him a schpiel about Attachment Parenting. I even want to go so far as to tell him that I think his other friends who have babies are doing it wrong, not the other way around.

:

He was offering to babysit. He was being sweet, and because I couldn't stand up and explain to him the basic philosophy behind why I am not like his other parent friends (he does not have children yet, but wants them), he now is under the impression that even I think there is something wrong with how I am raising my child.

I dont know if any of you can relate to being spineless, but I wanted to share. I am so disappointed with myself.

 

[Eustacia]

I've tried to adopt an assertive catch phrase like, 'oh, we have a certain parenting style (or method)' in a positive and light tone when I feel backed in a corner about ap. It is hard when you sense that someone is going to freak out when you say, 'oh, we never really leave our dc...' but having a canned response up your sleeve can put everyone at ease.

I struggle terribly with a separate situation where I never speak up (people who bring dogs into playgrounds - me: spineless and say nothing). I always feel horrible for not saying what is on my mind. I hope I can learn from the responses you get. Thanks for posting.

 

[mcsarahb]

I can definitely relate. Living where I do, I am blessed to know many, many AP families, and I see slingin', cd-in' parents everytime I go out. But when I am talking to someone who ISN'T AP, or disagrees with something I do/did, I do tend to make some silly spineless remark to ease the tension. Or I avoid the subject altogether.

My neighbor, a very nice 70-ish woman (widow), asks me or DH EVERY time she sees us if our babe is sleeping by herself yet. Dd is only 8 weeks old!! DH made some offhand comment when she was just born that we were cosleeping - and the neighbor was horrified. Now she's always after us - in this joking yet not funny, "I'm older than you and have 3 kids and 7 grandkids and know way better than you" way, to wean dd from our bed. She just took a long trip and told DH before she left that we "had better stopped sleeping with her by the time I get back, or else"!?

: We've just started lying to her...talk about spineless. But, she's our neighbor, we have to see her everyday, and I don't want to get into the argument. She's from a different generation, and will never see our POV. Don't even get me started on how many times while I was pregnant that she asked me if my bags were packed for the hospital - I just smiled and nodded! Dd was born at home, with our windows wide open (oops, it was hot), and I'm sure the neighbor figured it out!

 

[CTMOMOF2]

mcsarah - HAHAHAHA... THAT'S FUNNY!! About having the baby at home w/the windows open... haha

I too do these type of things, but not because i'm embarrassed, but because i can't think quick enough on my feet to say somehting logical. So i usually say something stupid instead!!

 

[geekgolightly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CTMOMOF2 mcsarah - HAHAHAHA... THAT'S FUNNY!! About having the baby at home w/the windows open... haha I too do these type of things, but not because i'm embarrassed, but because i can't think quick enough on my feet to say somehting logical. So i usually say something stupid instead!!

it sort of feels that way for me. definitely i dont want there to be tension, because he really is just trying to be nice and doesnt understnad that his way, and the way of his friends, isnt the best way. i do think im raising my ds in a happier healthier way, but for me to assert this, would be to raise issues with his way... and i dont feel comfortable about that....

how does one talk about AP issues without there being some sort of contest? i dont want there to be a contest, i want every one to win. i like non-zero sum games (which is probably why i love AP so much!). anyone have a good way to approach it that is honest, yet non-confrontational?

mcsarah im sorry you have a neighbor like that. im sure you know what i mean about not wanting to rock the boat. sometimes it just isnt appropriate to have your activist hat on.

 

[geekgolightly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eustacia I've tried to adopt an assertive catch phrase like, 'oh, we have a certain parenting style (or method)' in a positive and light tone when I feel backed in a corner about ap. It is hard when you sense that someone is going to freak out when you say, 'oh, we never really leave our dc...' but having a canned response up your sleeve can put everyone at ease. I struggle terribly with a separate situation where I never speak up (people who bring dogs into playgrounds - me: spineless and say nothing). I always feel horrible for not saying what is on my mind. I hope I can learn from the responses you get. Thanks for posting.

thank YOU for the encouragement.

after i posted this, i felt so weird about it. i was sure this topic would sink like a stone.

 

[mom2lyndsey]

I don't go out of my way to say "we are attachment parenting". I also don't go out of my way to hide it.

My mom once asked my when Lyndey was going to sleep in her own bed. I told her she does. My mom then said "I'm not going to ask where you sleep". Sometimes it's not what you say but what you don't say.

When the subject of going out comes up, I don't say I can't because I wont leave dd with a baby sitter. I say I don't want to leave her because I'll miss her.

mom to Lyndsey

 

[CTMOMOF2]

I feel that way too Lydsey's mom... I tell people I'M attached to my kids, not that my kids are attached to me, people seem to feel better about that and don't give you "helpful ways to unattach them" hee hee.

 

[dancinggirl]

I also do not like to talk about AP with my friends and family. I think the reason why I don't is because I always feel like I have to defend my parenting views.

I do not want to be defensive with people when they start asking those none of their buisness question. (ie. so is Gianna in her own bed yet? why don't you send her to pre-school? You really do need a break.)

:

Why can't people just say "you have really good kids must be the way you parent them."

 

[geekgolightly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CTMOMOF2 I feel that way too Lydsey's mom... I tell people I'M attached to my kids, not that my kids are attached to me, people seem to feel better about that and don't give you "helpful ways to unattach them" hee hee.

when i approach it that way, it looks as though i am damaging my child by needing him too much and am not setting boundaries.

 

[geekgolightly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dancinggirl Why can't people just say "you have really good kids must be the way you parent them."

 

[MaxiMom]

I have a very good friend with a baby born three weeks after mine so we went through pregnancy and everything together. I wasn't aware of AP until I started reading mdc, and sort of fell into it naturally.

We were at the bookstore together while pregnant and saw a book on the Family Bed, which we both agreed we'd never do. Well, here I am, sleeping with our ds and loving it. He was born at home and I carry him around most of the day.

She, on the other hand, has been told by her mom to make sure the baby learns to be "independent". So the babe sleeps in her crib and she supplemented, and now has totally dried up so her babe is formula fed. Funny thing was, I thought she'd be glad about it, but was sort of sad, I think there is some AP in her after all! She comments on how her mom would tell her she's carrying her baby too much, but I encourage her to do it as often as she wants to, baby obviously needs it.

For a while I didn't want to tell her that ds was sleeping with us, but one day I confessed. All she said was, "oh". I told her it was working for us and it was no big deal to her, thank goodness. We both agreed to never say never. We talk about what each of us is doing for the babe and make suggestions. It would be nice if she would sleep with her dd, but it's not her thing, so I don't push it. I wouldn't change her mind anyway.

Our babies play once a week together and they both seem to be progressing just fine. Her style is working for her and her baby is a dear, so go figure.

Don't feel bad about your parenting style, especially if your babe is obviously thriving and happy. I get more comments about how sweet and mellow my boy is than anything. Luckily, I don't get too many questions about how he sleeps, etc. Maybe it's because I'm at home all the time with him.

Your happy loving baby is the best testimony to your parenting style!

 

[CajunMama]

I totally understand how you feel.

: I don't usually get into it either. Everyone always asks me, " Are you still[\i] breastfeeding him?" I say, " Well of course, why wouldnt I!!" ( since he is all of 6 1/2 months and all for gosh sakes

: ) or if he is sleeping though the night yet. I really love that one. :LOL I tell them that sure he sleeps for 12 hours, just not in a row :LOL

Mom keeps telling me to get him out of the bed- Dh tells her " And banish him to that far room down the hall-- NEVER "

I take a "To each his own" philosophy and I don't expect anyone else to understand or approve. My baby is happy and healthy so the heck with 'em!!!

Just come here for support

that's what I do!

 

[BayouMomof3]

I do that to some degree as well. For me, it's just easier to avoid the questions or unwanted advice so I just keep it to myself.
If I am asked a direct question then I will answer honestly. When we have people offer to babysit, we usually just say "thanks! I'll let you know"...and that's it.

 

[auntieM]

Quote:

definitely i dont want there to be tension, because he really is just trying to be nice and doesnt understnad that his way, and the way of his friends, isnt the best way. i do think im raising my ds in a happier healthier way, but for me to assert this, would be to raise issues with his way... and i dont feel comfortable about that....

How people choose to parent is based on their own ideals & experiences & what works best for them & their child. I think that you can tell your friend that the way you do things is the way that works for you without saying that the way he does things is wrong. There is always an inherant judgement because we choose to do things one way at the exclusion of another. That being said, I think that with most people, if you are careful, you can have a conversation about parenting without totally pissing eachother off. If not, there tend to be cues in the conversation that tell you what issues might be off limits. (When I say off limits, I mean topics which might cause more stress than understanding between friends.)

On the independance thing--I hear this from my mom too. I think that it was one of the big things pushed when I was a babe. I cannot remember where I heard/saw/read this, but it is a good response to the independence question: my goal is to provide a safe, nurturing enviornment in which my child can develope her independance at her own pace.

Good luck figuring this out.

 

[dancinggirl]

Quote:

How people choose to parent is based on their own ideals & experiences & what works best for them & their child. I think that you can tell your friend that the way you do things is the way that works for you without saying that the way he does things is wrong. There is always an inherant judgement because we choose to do things one way at the exclusion of another. That being said, I think that with most people, if you are careful, you can have a conversation about parenting without totally pissing eachother off. If not, there tend to be cues in the conversation that tell you what issues might be off limits. (When I say off limits, I mean topics which might cause more stress than understanding between friends.)

Well said.
It is funny though how I will never tell a parent that I feel how they are parenting is wrong. But they won't think twice of telling me I am a wacko.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

I think it's touchy because if an ap parent says "I don't believe in CIO and I don't like leaving my kid with a babysitter at such a young age" but the person you are talking to used cio and left their baby with grandma at 3 weeks old it comes off as you made a better choice because they tend to get defensive and really all you are saying is your belief not attacking them. It's frustrating, so many times on a mainstream board I bite my tongue, I'm ready to leave that board because I really just want to give my imput but no matter how gently I put it I come off as judgemental because there are only 2 or 3 other ap parents on that board.

 

[auntieM]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilesoflaundry I'm ready to leave that board because I really just want to give my imput but no matter how gently I put it I come off as judgemental because there are only 2 or 3 other ap parents on that board.

I have a couple of thoughts on this. First, the same idea holds true when the situation is reversed. Things that non-ap parents say may come off as judgemental as well (whether that is the intent or not). Second, if someone feels uncomfortable with their decision to CIO & they read/hear about someone who doesn't CIO, it might provide an alternative that they were not aware of, or allow them to withstand the pressure that they might be getting from others to do so.

I'm having a tough time trying to get all of my points across without totally stepping in it--I think I'll just stop here.

 

[Beanjeepin]

I don't "hide" our AP-ness but I don't voluntairly bring it up either. To do so locally brings out the "oh I couldn't because..." and I'm often just too tired to deal with that. I've never once asked anyone if they were "still" formula feeding, or when they'd cosleep, or if they'd stopped shoving solids down their (not near ready) child's mouth. I've never told anyone they were weak for needing a medicated birth nor that they were endangering their child by vaccinating "on schedule". Yet those (opposite) choices of ours are daily criticized and questioned.

I often find myself putting "down" our choices so as to not seem "better", if that makes sense. I tell people if my hard labor had lasted longer I might have opted for meds, who knows? Then I get very frustrated that I feel unable to be proud of myself for doing what I felt was best. *sigh*

 

[polka123]

ugh - we are in such an old-school area that we hardly bring it up BUT mt circ'd DH is very proud that DS is intact that he usually blurts that out & I'm very proud of him for that !
but the co-sleeping, b/fing past 4-6 mos, etc.... is doesn't come up much b/c I get rather pissy if I have to keep defending myself so I just keep quiet.
It so confuses me that folks want little babes to be sooooooo independent but then totally hover/control their 5th graders ???????????

:
that's like going in reverse.
Instead of raising confident, good self-esteem, independent (within age limits - y'know what I mean) older children, they get kids that have a few issue.
I have girlfriends that did this type & their kids are frankly kinda odd.
Many here talk how their co-sleeping, not CIO kids grew older to be really confident, strong & secure kids.
My DH's 1 st wife was this kinda mom - came home from the hospital & babes were in another room from night 1, put on a FF, strict schedule, CIO all the time, made to be"quiet", she used alot of guilt as control & now his 3 kids (12,14,16) don't know how to sustain friendships, they are very insecure, 1 has real emotional problems. They don't carry on coverations b/c the control freak bio mom decided & did EVERYTHING for them - they never had to think on their own.... see the point

:
It always bothered DH but his & her mom raised their kids the same way so everyone thought bio mom was wonderful -

I'mn so glad we're not doing that.
I hope mty point came out right.... y'know what I mean ?