[kristen1978]

Just a quick rant, if I may . . . .

My DP and I have been in a monogamous (not that that really matters) committed relationship for over TEN years. We own a home, and he has a wonderful job with insurance which covers all "domestic partners," regardless of orientation. We are disgustingly happy and get along better than anyone we know. Our friends are constantly coming to us for marital/relationship advice -- we've even done interventions with friends on the verge of divorce.

My point? We are a loving, responsible couple who are deliriously excited about expecting our first baby, and despite the fact that we "look" just like any married couple, the fact that we have chosen not to have that piece of paper has resulted in rudeness from others. So far, one friend and a couple of relatives, upon hearing the news of the pregnancy, bluntly ask if we will now "do the right thing and get married"

.

Why does it matter? Why do they care? And why in the HELL do they feel that it is appropriate to ask?? As if we are going to love this child any less, or be any less capable as parents, if we don't get married?

Grrrrrrrr . . . . . Anyone else been through this?

 

[alisonsage]

people are annoying.

i'm not sure why they get hung up on something like that. i have heard that in europe it is less and less common for couples to marry especially since health care is less of an issue there. to be honest one of the main reasons dh and i got married was for insurance, that and to have legal status in case of emergency. anyway i think that the american preoccupation with marriage is considered a bit old fashioned.

sorry people are giving you a rough time. just remember that you and your sweetie are making the right decision for your family!!

 

[Aurie]

Personally, I think our marriage laws are so middle ages.. Yuck!

But they are still our laws. Just a story and a thought, our neighbors when I was a kid had a domestic relationship for close to 15 years when he had a heartattack. "Mom" never approved of her and at the hospital was able to have said neighbor removed from room because they weren't married. The neighbor lady had no say in anything medial either. They got married within a month after he was out of the hospital. It was a very cool wedding.

I may not have the facts perfectly straight as it was 20 years ago for me, but I know the jist of the story is correct.

I could careless what people do. Like I said, I really do not agree for our marriage laws. Just wanted you to see a different side that most people do not look at until it happens to them.

 

[Mearaina]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

For some reason, as soon as a baby gets involved everyone feels like they have the right to judge everything in your life. it sucks.

 

[alisonsage]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aurie Personally, I think our marriage laws are so middle ages.. Yuck! But they are still our laws. Just a story and a thought, our neighbors when I was a kid had a domestic relationship for close to 15 years when he had a heartattack. "Mom" never approved of her and at the hospital was able to have said neighbor removed from room because they weren't married. The neighbor lady had no say in anything medial either. They got married within a month after he was out of the hospital. It was a very cool wedding. I may not have the facts perfectly straight as it was 20 years ago for me, but I know the jist of the story is correct. I could careless what people do. Like I said, I really do not agree for our marriage laws. Just wanted you to see a different side that most people do not look at until it happens to them.

ita w/this. i have an uncle who was with the same partner for 20+ years. they raised 2 children together. they were both very vocal opponents of mariage. they did get married last year, though, because uncle was diagnosed w/ a terminal disease and partner wanted to have the legal staus to take care of him. yes, the marriage laws here are pretty antiquated.

 

[JanB]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mearaina I'm sorry you have to deal with this. For some reason, as soon as a baby gets involved everyone feels like they have the right to judge everything in your life. it sucks.

:

Not in your DDC but I saw this in new posts and had to respond. My (now) DH and I weren't married when I got pregnant either, and we went through pretty much the exact same experience. One of our friends actually called me at work and spent 30 minutes haranguing me about how much better it would be for our child if we were married, and the legal system, and blah blah blah. I found it highly offensive, actually.

We did eventually get married, but we did it for our own reasons and not because we had family/friends pressuring us. If anything, the harassment from others made us delay the decision longer than we would have otherwise.

 

[ladyleigh]

that is so frustrating!

fyi- in my state you are considered married if you live together longer than 6 mos, or something like that.

i have gone through a ton of medical stuff with my husband and it is easier being married, mostly because we are on the same insurance plan so i can call for him and get all the info i need.

but- i say do what you want to do. it is nobody's business!

 

[Jster]

Yeah, there's been some pressure on use to get married, and we were actually already planning it, but people bugging me about it made me delay announcing quite a bit! It's just none of their business.

Oh, and we've decided not to get a "legal" marriage but a ceremonial one, at least that's our decision for now

There's no common law marriage in FL, but if we travel to a common law state and "hold ourselves out" as married we'll technically then have a common law marriage anywhere. But in order to have a common law marriage, you have to hold yourself out, its not enough just to live together.

 

[jrojala]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mearaina I'm sorry you have to deal with this. For some reason, as soon as a baby gets involved everyone feels like they have the right to judge everything in your life. it sucks.

:
I havn't had to deal with your exact problem (I've been married for almost 3 years), but somthing like it... We get the you're too young comments, glares, and heard "Well, I hear they are only getting married because she's pregnant..." (Those people neglect to see I was married a full year and 10 months before having the baby, longest gestation I've ever heard of

). Marriage was really important to DH, and I was cool with it, so that is what we did.
I hate to see people (like my sister for example) get married just because she is pregnant, I know she does not really love the man, but she "has" to marry him "for the baby's sake" (More like for her mom's sake). I think the baby would be better off with out having parents who hate to be stuck with eachother, but are because that is what society thinks is acceptable.
People need to keep their noses out of everyone else's lives.
UGH!

 

[sunshine's mama]

We are getting the same thing from our parents, their friends (like it's any of THEIR business).......his mom is an evangical christian and it's just so unchristian to not marry and such....blah blah blah...

We do plan to get married.....just not on anyone else's timeline and without the pressure.

I can also do without the outdated terms for children born out of wedlock. ESP COMING FROM FAMILY AND GRANDPARENTS....grrrrr.....

 

[SequoiasMom]

Yes, my DP and I have been together for a long time, and just had a baby. It was interesting to experience others' reactions to our unmarriage. Personally, I have been struggling with it-
On one hand, being married would just be easier.
Not being married, I agree with janB and jstr that I almost want to not be married just to piss those people off. I mean, we don't need to be married for any validation of our relationship....but other people seem to need it to validate them.
I actually FINALLY got Stephen to agree to get married (really doesn't want to, and for all the right reasons, really).....and I am starting to back off.
I really don't know what will happen, as of now there are no plans, just talk.

Also, about the legal thing....can't you and your partner just sign a power of attorney? Then they would have the right to make medical and legal decisions, right?

The insurance aspect is a pain. Especially after having the baby on two different insurance policies at different times, it has been hell trying to straighten that out!

Like I said, in our society, we make it so that if you follow the rules, your life will flow along pretty easily. I'm sure everyone here has experienced that in alot of aspects- child rearing, diet, birth, etc. This is just one more challenge that those of us who dare to think for ourselves encounter in our lives.

 

[sanguine_speed]

Me and DP have announced to everyone that we are NOT getting married. Granted, here in Canada, if you live together with children you share (adopted or biologically), you are considered "Common Law" spouses, and you share all of the legal rights and responsibilities of a legally married couple. I am on his health insurance and we file our taxes as a married couple would--together. The same applies for childless couples who choose to declare their status as Common Law after living together for a certain amount of time (I think it's 6 months, but it might be one year).

Still, with the same legal rights and responsibilities, people judge. Poo on them, I say.

 

[Emma's_Mommy]

Ok don't hate me for speeking my mind but i am one of those people who don't really understand why people have planned babies when they arn't married.....

although i dont have a problem with YOUR situation because you and DP are for the most part common law married anyways i do have a problem when couples who havn't made a serous commitment to each other (getting married) have babies...

i think part of this is because of my NEED security and stability in my life, and to me being married makes me feel i am in the more secure relationship possible....i know nothing is guarenteed but this is just how i was brought up.

now i know that hubby could walk out at any second....but at least because we are married i can make his life suck a little bit more.....i have just seen soooo many people i know get pregnant and have the baby's daddy walk out and they are left to cope all alone and i just don't if i could chose to put myself in a situation like that....

but this is just me.....and i know its not the norm....but i would NEVER personally attach anyone for their choice, and it sucks that people are mean enough to actually say these things to you, it just isn't something i personally understand!

i hope this makes as much sence as it did in my head

 

[sunshine's mama]

in our situation, dd wasn't planned. she was a birth control oopsie (the patch was new, the not advisable for anyone over this weight thing on the instructions etc...was higher than it should've been being it was transdermal, thus causing the failure for us..the weight limit for it has since been lowered i believe...)...but we love her just the same...

we were told after her that bc of health issues with me and such, she would be our only child unless we had $$$$$$$ for fertility treatments so we were happy with just her.....

then surprise, docs are wrong, we have another one on the way......

just happens that way.....

i have other unmarried friends who have children and thankfully, the dads have stuck around..they just choose not to have that piece of paper....saying they are married...

dp and i have chatted about it and had plans to get married when we found out about dd and put it off so i could still wear the dress i had picked out....silly reasons but....then his mom started on him about getting married and that's all she spoke about EVERY TIME HE TALKED TO HER OR WE SAW HER and that killed the idea....sure, i'd prefer to be married....and i know we will be one day....prolly when everyone gets off our backs to do so.....sometimes dp is still a stubborn little boy when it comes to things like that.....

just our situation...

 

[Sabo]

I never like the thought of people getting married right after they find out that they are pg. I think it stems from the fact that my parents did that and it was not the right decision for them. It also muddies the waters as far as WHY you are actually getting married. A marriage is not about the children, its about the couple that wants to publicly announce that they plan to spend their lives together. Most people don't want it to look like they "had to get married" b/c there was a baby on the way. Even some people who planned on getting married will postpone until after the baby b/c they don't want that kind of label on their marriage.

In the case of the OP, people are just being rude or to put it in a more positive light, maybe those people see how good you and dp are together that they just see you as the picture of a great marriage and want to celebrate that with you. Regardless, they should keep their opinions to themselves.

 

[Alohamelly]

I went through that with my first marriage. I got pregnant, her father wanted me to abort, I wouldn't and we ended up staying together because he wanted to do the right thing (looking back, I should have left). People, especially my family, were constantly on me about getting married. Then my DD's father caught on and the pressure was so intense that I gave in and we got married when I was 8 months pregnant.

People should mind their own business!

 

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

Sorry you have to put up with this

what difference does a piece of paper make anyway, you love each and your haveing a baby together thats all that matters

 

[sunshine's mama]

:

 

[mamamoo]

Sorry you have to put up with this. I have a funny story. My parents are divorced(after getting married because she got pregnant with me), and when I called both of my parents to tell them I was pregnant, the first thing out of BOTH of their mouths was, "you know this doesn't mean you have to get married, right?"

I about died!
But...We eventually got married when ds was 6 months old because to get on dp's insurance we had to be married. It's working out ok...I guess.

 

[sanguine_speed]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emma's_Mommy although i dont have a problem with YOUR situation because you and DP are for the most part common law married anyways i do have a problem when couples who havn't made a serous commitment to each other (getting married) have babies...

I think the reason here is because you equate a "serious commitment" with "get married". Others do not believe that a marriage license changes the context nor the commitment level of the relationship.

For us, our relationship does not fundamentally change nor become more committed because we spend $100 and sign a piece of paper.

For others who do not have common-law rights, I think it is even more admirable to have faith in your relationship outside of marriage, because as you referred to earlier, it's more trouble to get out of a legal marriage than a non-legal spousalship, and those who choose not to get married don't have that "hold" on the other.