The other day, I was at the playground with my 2 y/o charge. There were lots of children there, ranging in age from late infancy to what looked about 13/14. Lots of other parents, as well. While we were there, one of the mothers shouted across the playground to her child "GEORGE! DO YOU HAVE TO GO PEE PEE??" The baby looked about 3, maybe 4 years old. He completely ignored her. The parent then loudly told the other mothers that they were potty training and she couldn't tell if he had to go. The rest of the parents loudly chimed in with their own children's potty habits, while they were feet away. Inside, I was mortified for this baby. I remember being that age, and if my mother had broadcasted my potty training needs/habits, I'm sure I would have been so embarrassed, I'd have wanted to curl up in a ball and hide. It wouldn't be socially acceptable for someone to do this to an adult - or even an older child - but somehow, it's acceptable for those of a younger age. Why is that?
At this very same outing, my charge became enamored by a small group of slightly older children (looked about 6-7 years). He sat right next to them and simply listened as they talked. That's all he wanted. But to these children, having a baby present was not acceptable. It was clear that it wasn't because he was a stranger, but because he was a baby. Even though these children had just left babyhood themselves, they shunned the idea of including someone younger than they. Whenever he was in their way, they chose to say 'sorry' and 'excuse me' to me, instead of acknowledging him (even though he could clearly talk and understand them). I told the child, "Don't apologise to me - say it to him." She looked at me as though I was speaking Russian.
These are just two anecdotes out of many moments I've run into around this issue. When people say, "She's not a baby anymore." Or children themselves say, "I'm not a baby." What I've realised they're saying is, "She's a person. A person with opinions, needs, preferences, personality, and an understanding of the world. She now deserves respect, because now she counts as a person." Well, isn't a baby a person, too? Isn't a newborn every bit a person as an adult? Doesn't an infant, toddler, or young child deserve respect?
The way I see it, babies are people, just like the rest of us. They are people who are in a very specific life stage, with unique needs that go hand in hand with that life stage. My grandmother is in a life stage, too. She's in the life stage that means I have to be more aware of how tired she can get. I have to understand that she doesn't have the strength and the energy to host 20 people for dinner, the way she did 30 years ago. But she has my utmost respect. When I meet a pregnant woman, she's also in a unique life stage, and has unique needs that pertain to that life stage. But she has my utmost respect. So, why don't people see babies that way? Why don't we treat babies with the same respect we would have for someone above the age of 7? Why is it okay to broadcast their bodily habits, be forceful with them (I see a lot of forceful sun cream applications, hair combing, and face wiping), or be rude to them? (how many times have you heard someone say 'please' 'may I' or 'thank you' to an infant?)
What I see a lot of people doing to combat this issue, is to simply stop calling their child a baby very early on. I've heard people say of their 9 m/o's, "He's not a baby anymore. He's a toddler." The playmates of my 2 y/o charge, who's a self-professed baby (he happily calls himself a baby all the time, and recognises himself and other children within his age range as babies), have long been told that they're "not babies", and I've witnessed many a time these "not babies" putting down children younger than themselves, while at the same time, acting (in my opinion) every bit a baby themselves. Other children whom I work with far less often (the odd night babysitting) are constantly reminding me that they're "not a baby", as if they need constant reassurance that they've passed this shameful life period, and are now deserving of respect and merit. 'Baby' seems to be just about the most insulting thing you could call a child, and I witness this insult frequently being used among children themselves. "You can't play with us. You're a baby." "Only babies do that." "Go ahead and cry, you big baby!" "That's a baby toy."
I don't see this strategy as working too well. When my charge was just an infant, I made the cognitive decision to continue calling him a baby as long as he was happy with the term, but at the same time, to never to use 'baby' as a negative word. I've also always taught him to show respect to children much younger than himself (apologising to them, taking turns with them, including them). If I'm referring to a child up to age 7, I refer to them as 'this baby' or 'that baby'. "That baby is feeling upset because he doesn't want to go home." "Now, let's give this baby a turn, and then you may have a turn." "That baby doesn't want to share her toy, and you need to respect that." The results I've seen are that my charge initiates play with 1 y/o's (even though he's a month shy of turning 3), 6-7 y/o's, and every age in between. I haven't so far noticed any discriminating behaviour from him based on age (or anything else, for that matter). i've also noticed that he feels much more comfortable in his own skin than a lot of children I've worked with. He isn't constantly telling me that he's "not a baby", and he feels comfortable and unashamed continuing certain 'baby' behaviours, such as being held for long periods (he likes an hour or two in the ergo every day), sucking on a bottle (water only, and just at nap time), taking a nap, cuddling his lovey, talking in gibberish, and riding in the buggy. And while we both think of him as a baby, I don't 'baby' him or coddle him, if you know what I mean. I encourage him to do as much by himself as he's able, and he's asserting his independence more and more. He loves to do many things for himself, which I greatly encourage.
So, anyway, I just wanted to reach out to other parents to see if this is all just me, or if others have noticed any of these things as well. I apologise for this being such a long post. To me, there seem to be so many facets to this issue that I wanted to get as many down as possible.
At this very same outing, my charge became enamored by a small group of slightly older children (looked about 6-7 years). He sat right next to them and simply listened as they talked. That's all he wanted. But to these children, having a baby present was not acceptable. It was clear that it wasn't because he was a stranger, but because he was a baby. Even though these children had just left babyhood themselves, they shunned the idea of including someone younger than they. Whenever he was in their way, they chose to say 'sorry' and 'excuse me' to me, instead of acknowledging him (even though he could clearly talk and understand them). I told the child, "Don't apologise to me - say it to him." She looked at me as though I was speaking Russian.
These are just two anecdotes out of many moments I've run into around this issue. When people say, "She's not a baby anymore." Or children themselves say, "I'm not a baby." What I've realised they're saying is, "She's a person. A person with opinions, needs, preferences, personality, and an understanding of the world. She now deserves respect, because now she counts as a person." Well, isn't a baby a person, too? Isn't a newborn every bit a person as an adult? Doesn't an infant, toddler, or young child deserve respect?
The way I see it, babies are people, just like the rest of us. They are people who are in a very specific life stage, with unique needs that go hand in hand with that life stage. My grandmother is in a life stage, too. She's in the life stage that means I have to be more aware of how tired she can get. I have to understand that she doesn't have the strength and the energy to host 20 people for dinner, the way she did 30 years ago. But she has my utmost respect. When I meet a pregnant woman, she's also in a unique life stage, and has unique needs that pertain to that life stage. But she has my utmost respect. So, why don't people see babies that way? Why don't we treat babies with the same respect we would have for someone above the age of 7? Why is it okay to broadcast their bodily habits, be forceful with them (I see a lot of forceful sun cream applications, hair combing, and face wiping), or be rude to them? (how many times have you heard someone say 'please' 'may I' or 'thank you' to an infant?)
What I see a lot of people doing to combat this issue, is to simply stop calling their child a baby very early on. I've heard people say of their 9 m/o's, "He's not a baby anymore. He's a toddler." The playmates of my 2 y/o charge, who's a self-professed baby (he happily calls himself a baby all the time, and recognises himself and other children within his age range as babies), have long been told that they're "not babies", and I've witnessed many a time these "not babies" putting down children younger than themselves, while at the same time, acting (in my opinion) every bit a baby themselves. Other children whom I work with far less often (the odd night babysitting) are constantly reminding me that they're "not a baby", as if they need constant reassurance that they've passed this shameful life period, and are now deserving of respect and merit. 'Baby' seems to be just about the most insulting thing you could call a child, and I witness this insult frequently being used among children themselves. "You can't play with us. You're a baby." "Only babies do that." "Go ahead and cry, you big baby!" "That's a baby toy."
I don't see this strategy as working too well. When my charge was just an infant, I made the cognitive decision to continue calling him a baby as long as he was happy with the term, but at the same time, to never to use 'baby' as a negative word. I've also always taught him to show respect to children much younger than himself (apologising to them, taking turns with them, including them). If I'm referring to a child up to age 7, I refer to them as 'this baby' or 'that baby'. "That baby is feeling upset because he doesn't want to go home." "Now, let's give this baby a turn, and then you may have a turn." "That baby doesn't want to share her toy, and you need to respect that." The results I've seen are that my charge initiates play with 1 y/o's (even though he's a month shy of turning 3), 6-7 y/o's, and every age in between. I haven't so far noticed any discriminating behaviour from him based on age (or anything else, for that matter). i've also noticed that he feels much more comfortable in his own skin than a lot of children I've worked with. He isn't constantly telling me that he's "not a baby", and he feels comfortable and unashamed continuing certain 'baby' behaviours, such as being held for long periods (he likes an hour or two in the ergo every day), sucking on a bottle (water only, and just at nap time), taking a nap, cuddling his lovey, talking in gibberish, and riding in the buggy. And while we both think of him as a baby, I don't 'baby' him or coddle him, if you know what I mean. I encourage him to do as much by himself as he's able, and he's asserting his independence more and more. He loves to do many things for himself, which I greatly encourage.
So, anyway, I just wanted to reach out to other parents to see if this is all just me, or if others have noticed any of these things as well. I apologise for this being such a long post. To me, there seem to be so many facets to this issue that I wanted to get as many down as possible.
