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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Seriously. What's up with that? I am so tired of everyone's advice on epidurals and vaccines and diapers and clothes when they don't even really know what they're talking about. I know where to go when I need advice - random jerks who don't know anything besides what they've seen on sitcoms and reality TV shows or heard their cousin say really don't give me much valuable info at all. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/clap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="clap"><br><br><br><br>
All I can say is, get used to it! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/disappointed.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="disappointed"> Come up with your favorite scathing response or look right now, because you will get plenty of opportunities to use it over the next few years! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> But enough about my sister.... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">
 

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Yeah, and you haven't even had your baby yet! EVERYBODY will have advice about how you should/shouldn't do this or that with YOUR baby, how long to breastfeed, cosleep, vaccinate etc. And even when people don't actually say anything, you'll chuckle to yourself as you watch people's eye widen at your "extreme" parenting.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bigeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bigeyes"><br><br>
Sometimes I think people give advice or offer strong suggestions so that they can feel like they're not wrong in a choice or choices that they made for their own family. Why do people feel so threatened when someone else makes a different choice than them??? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: I've found that the people who are most confident in their own decisions tend to be pretty supportive even if their philosophy is opposite of mine. (did that make sense? You'd never know it but once upon a time I was a communications major in college. That was 2 pregnancies ago and I can't remember where I've left my brain since then. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug">)
 

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oh god, tell me about it.<br><br>
people who don't have children who give unsolicited parenting advice should have one year taken off their lives.<br><br>
actually, ANYONE who gives unsolicited parenting advice should get a painful permanent ingrown toenail. on both feet.<br><br>
edited to add that when i told a good friend of mine that i was pregnant, she said, "let me tell you the most useful phrase in a mother's vocabulary: 'i'm sure that worked very well for <i>your</i> children.' if that doesn't end the conversation or shut them up, feel free to repeat it until the message is driven home."
 

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You just got me started! There have been people at work who give me all sorts of advice about BF, labor, you name it! My way of dealing with it is quoting research, making it sound like I'm smarter than them. Someone will say something stupid like "BF past 6 months is child abuse." I'll just counter it with "well the WHO recommends BF at least until a child is 2." Then I walk away.<br><br>
The person who is the worst though is an acquaintance of DP. She asks about what I'm planning and then tells me how stupid that is. For example, she asked if I had packed my hospital bag. I stupidly told her no, because I'm still trying to figure out what I'll wear during labor-she counters with "wear the hospital gown!" I say it's a birthing center. I then stupidly say I want to wear a pair of comfy sweat pants-she says "they are going to be checking you all the time-you need easy access!" She has no idea about what I am planning-she just goes by her experience and it bugs me!I wish people would just respect my choices. I mean respect theirs, even though I may not agree-I mean c'mon, live and let live!
 

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thankfully the worst one for us, I don't even talk to. It's my mom's aunt. She keeps telling my mom that if I even go into labor at home, I will DIE. My mom keeps asking her where she was born- her own mother was a granny midwife! And her other aunt, when we were in OK visiting them in June, thought I should know that a cow can't tandem nurse or nurse while pregnant because the older calf will "steal" all the good stuff from the cow...so I should immediately wean dd or put the new baby at risk. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: Although that same lady thinks I'm smart for not vaxing.<br><br>
I love living 700 miles from family!
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>SheBear</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9870239"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Come up with your favorite scathing response or look right now, because you will get plenty of opportunities to use it over the next few years!</div>
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Right now I'm being snotty about the fact that I have worked in childcare with infants for a few years, and remind the two or three people who can be like this that they haven't even HELD or SEEN a baby in years, much less ever changed a diaper in their lives.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lisarussell</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9870249"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">people just like to talk. and feel involved.<br><br>
Isn't it stupid.</div>
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That's the big thing I think - people just want to say SOMETHING and say whatever comes to mind, and sometimes it's horrifyingly stupid and annoying.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Tiny_Dancer</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9870350"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yeah, and you haven't even had your baby yet!</div>
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This is what terrifies me most.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>joannalovesyou</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9870353"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">actually, ANYONE who gives unsolicited parenting advice should get a painful permanent ingrown toenail. on both feet.<br><br>
edited to add that when i told a good friend of mine that i was pregnant, she said, "let me tell you the most useful phrase in a mother's vocabulary: 'i'm sure that worked very well for <i>your</i> children.' if that doesn't end the conversation or shut them up, feel free to repeat it until the message is driven home."</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> The toenail thing would be amazing. And that is a GREAT phrase!<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>expectantmami</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9870663"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Someone will say something stupid like "BF past 6 months is child abuse." I'll just counter it with "well the WHO recommends BF at least until a child is 2." Then I walk away.</div>
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I have had that *same* conversation. Working with infants, I had a lot of co-workers who were grossed out by the fact that some moms BF at all, and many of them were SO uncomfortable if the child was BF till 9 months (or, GASP, past a year). And I'd always point out that thing about the WHO recommending it till 2, OVER AND OVER, and then they would finally be like "yeah okay well it's still gross." Okay then. Not being gross is way more important than what's good for public health in general.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>AGlimmeringHope</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9870723"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">And her other aunt, when we were in OK visiting them in June, thought I should know that a cow can't tandem nurse or nurse while pregnant because the older calf will "steal" all the good stuff from the cow...so I should immediately wean dd or put the new baby at risk.</div>
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ROFL. That's HILARIOUS to me. "By the way, cows shouldn't tandem nurse... AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
All my aunts and other female relatives are giving my poor mom advice to tell me. So she'll sigh and be like, "By the way, so-and-so wants you to know that you shouldn't watch any violent movies or read any violent books or have any violent thoughts while pregnant, 'cause it can be bad for the baby." That at least cracks me up. If you don't want me to have violent thoughts, then SHUT IT.
 

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I think most commentary is one of two things: wanting to feel involved, or wanting someone to validate their choices. A lot of times I just smile and nod if it's not someone I'll have to hear from regularly - a coworker of DH or someone in a store doesn't really require or deserve any energy from me. If it's someone who will constantly be interjecting their opinion or advice, I shut them down with "my kid, my choice - let's move on".
 

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Well you can't stop the ones who just come out and say stuff... but the best way to not get comments is to not offer up anything. I never mention anything about how we parent unless specifically asked and then I keep it very brief or humorous so they don't have much to say back. It's really none of their business and if you stop the info train they won't have much to go on. This is especially useful for family! I know there will still be people who make random comments but it will help if they don't have any info to go on to keep it brief... IME.<br>
Good luck, it sucks! I have learned just to smile and say "yeah" and go on. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>wife&mommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9871084"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well you can't stop the ones who just come out and say stuff... but the best way to not get comments is to not offer up anything. I never mention anything about how we parent unless specifically asked and then I keep it very brief or humorous so they don't have much to say back. It's really none of their business and if you stop the info train they won't have much to go on. This is especially useful for family! I know there will still be people who make random comments but it will help if they don't have any info to go on to keep it brief... IME.<br>
Good luck, it sucks! I have learned just to smile and say "yeah" and go on. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"></div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
I totally agree. It drives me nuts that DP tells her coworkers everything-and they shut her down. I don't even tell people the name of the baby-but she tells them about how we are cloth diapering, having natural childbirth, cosleeping. Part of it is she's excited about it. But her co-workers are just the most annoying people that ever walked the Earth!
 

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I know from personal experience I was a much better parent before I ever became one. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I have a degree in child development and worked in childcare/preschool/kindgarten before having children. All that theory stuff works...with other ppl's kids.<br><br>
With my own I'm often clueless and rely almost solely on "instinct". The cobbler's kids go barefoot, I guess. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy"><br><br>
I have an aunt who practiced "detachment" parenting (had her kids sleeping "through the night" in cribs in their room alone by 5 weeks) and she comes up with some interesting notions and advice. She made the statement after her first grandchild was born that the doc had to cut the epis. before the baby could come out. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: She also thinks that it was great her dd breastfed, but that the baby is so much more satisfied and growing better after switching to formula. It's depressing.<br><br>
Christa
 

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I love it when I'm out with Lili alone and someone says "Just you wait until shes 4 (or 7 or 9 or 11)"<br><br>
Uh, How about.... just YOU wait...I have a 16 year old!<br><br>
Stupid people.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MmeMuffin</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9870946"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If you don't want me to have violent thoughts, then SHUT IT.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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Trust me, it never stops!<br><br>
It's one thing if you are looking for advice, but a whole other issue when it's unprompted.<br><br>
I have had people in Walmart tell me I'm a bad parent for having my kids share a drink. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:
 

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Lately I've been getting....<br>
"Oh, you're not having an epidural? This must be your first."<br><br>
And from an aunt who has known for months that we're having a homebirth with a midwife, "What does your OB say about...?" "When is your next doctor's appointment?" "When you get out of the hospital..."<br><br>
I agree it is a lot better to not offer any information. Since both parties think each other's pregnancy/parenting advice is awful, there is no point in getting into it. At least it helps remind me to keep my own opinions to myself whenever I hear a mom say something I think is bizarre <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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my mom was a "cry it out" detachment parent. they're coming for a full week right after the baby is born. i fully expect to spend the entire week biting holes through my tongue as she disapproves of one decision after the other.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
One of DH's friends asked him where we were planning to have the baby, and we are planning a hospital birth w/midwives. So DH mentioned which hospital, and his response was, "Oh good, I'm glad you aren't one of those freaks who does homebirths."<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: I actually really hate that kid and can't stand to be around him, so I ignored him completely, and my DH was just like ... oooookay then. Guess we know to keep our mouths shut if we plan to HB next time around! I just don't GET people. Why does he care enough to be glad that I'm going to a hospital? It's not like I'm giving birth to HIM, and we rarely hang out.<br><br>
When we considered HB and were talking to different HB midwives, I told my husband that under no circumstances would we tell ANYONE that we were doing an HB, aside from my mom (who is attending the birth). Not my family, not my in-laws, not our friends, nobody, because I am in no mood to debate with people who have no clue what they're talking about. I should have that policy with everything we do, lol.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>crsta33</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9871449"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I know from personal experience I was a much better parent before I ever became one. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I have a degree in child development and worked in childcare/preschool/kindgarten before having children. All that theory stuff works...with other ppl's kids.</div>
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This actually is something that bothers me even more. Both me and my husband have backgrounds in early childhood ed and child development. I know that we're absolutely NOT experts and that having our own child will be so different, but it really irks me when people act like we know nothing about little kids. Like when people who know my DH has worked with toddlers explain to him how to change a diaper. My DH has changed - LITERALLY, we figured it out - over a thousand diapers in the past few years.<br><br>
I mean, most people might not assume that, but friends of ours who know that his job over the past 6 years has included diaper changes are like "OMG CAN YOU HANDLE DIAPERS" and it's like, dudes, diapers are this poor guy's life, remember all the gross diaper stories he's told you?
 

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I think working in childcare did help prepare me for motherhood. I was very confident handling a newborn b/c of it and prepared for any number of things that might take someone with less baby experience by surprise (I also knew which diapers and bottles and binkies I liked best <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy">)<br><br>
Having your own is different...it's more exhausting and much much much more rewarding! And I just melt over guys who work with little ones! I've worked with 2 guys and they were two of the best coworkers I've ever had...and the kids loved them. I imagine they are both super dads who don't mind diaper duty at all.<br><br>
Christa
 
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