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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
My original thought here was... Help me on cancelling my order.

but I realized.. I don't care so much about my issue. I know my issue.

I want to be reminded WHY child-support is out there; what our needs are as single parents. Yes, I'm looking for definition on why I do it, and why I shouldn't cancel it... but I need to get back to fundamentals of why this is even in play. Especially for absentee parents out state. And I want to hear your input.. Why do you require an order for your Ex? Especially if they are distant?

I'm considering cancelling because:
  • We live out of state
  • He's never called his son in 18months
  • He doesn't pay anyway until threats to take his license
  • His Parents pay
  • I make too much money, it'll almost be Zero'ed out anyway in the next few months.

I have all these reasons to cancel, BUT

... no matter the reason, or excuse, I still maintain that HE IS THE FATHER.
And he is Choosing not to work; and Choosing not to participate; and Choosing not to do XYZ.

Yet he CHOSE to become in a committed relationship with me for years and buy a house and play house and talk about kiddos and have "oh maybe we'll get pregnant, yay!" sex and be there for every moment of pregnancy and delivery and cut cords and be there in home for 18months before he left and still his son carries his name...

I still feel like he should pay a bit. Just a stipend, to afford the life that is our son. Even if we moved across the country - to which he never contested.

So I have reasons to get rid of this order, because it's now 25K+ in arrears. And he'll never pay. And it's financially hurting his parents. Maybe I should just make it all go away...

But I go back to.. why do YOU have a child support order.

Because I need some reminders of why this order is even in place. There is a reason for this system and it's because Parents Should Be Parents for their kids... even when they can't be active, for whatever reason, they take financial responsibility for their spawn.
Should be cut and dry.
And in my heart, should be an easy thing. Except when it's not.

And also offsides... IF I were to cancel the "order", do the arrears still maintain? IF he were to ever get a job, which is unlikely, but IF, would the lien on his taxes still be? Or do I have to keep the order active for the provisions to be active?
 

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it's not your money, it's your son's money.

If his parents are hurting for it, then that's their issue with their own child that they have chosen to take on. Those arrears will never go away and someday your son might get it, even if it takes 20 years. His father has chosen not to be an actual father, but he still has a responsibility to contribute to his son's life, even if it takes a lifetime to do it.
 

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I also view it as my kiddo's money. He is a teenager now and the arrears keep piling up. If cs comes in after he turns 18- it will be 'his' money. Right now i could really use the $$ as I'm paying hefty tuition fees but..i can be stubborn and wait an eternity for what is due my child. I'm not about to close the order, i feel very strongly (as someone who worked for a child support agency many years ago) that the money needs to be paid and every cent plus fees and interest is for my child.
 

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I have a child support order because I needed to go on income assistance temporarily after the break-up, and they force you to try and collect, by filing with maintenance enforcement. I think my kids would be better off if I had been able to just let the arrears on the order pile up. Even though court keeps support and visitation separate, he still would NOT have set foot in a court room for anything, if there was a pile of arrears. Arrears are like a protective barrier between loser parents and the kids.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I've voiced my potential cancelling of the order to my case-worker, and Zebra... I understand it. I hear it in their voices, this change in their tone like... We Are FIGHTING for your child, why aren't you fighting for them also!
And it's in that instance that you realize this... reality. The reason that this is in place. And it is offending to the case-worker, and it's offending to my child to cancel it... I mean, I get that side of it. I do.

I just needed a little Oomph to keep me going.
It's hard to hear Zubelin's words about his parents, but it's truth... if they are taking it on, that's their issue with their child.... none of which have anything to do with my son.

It's difficult to keep begging for water from a stone.
But like you all say, it's not about me, it's not My money - which of course XP thinks it's all about... he can't see his son in the forest of the trees of his hatred towards me. He can't understand the difference.

But thank you for your words on defining it for me. I just needed that reality check on why this is an important order.... even if the arrears become staggeringly huge.
 

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It's about living in a world that values accountability and personal responsibility.

And what Mummoth said - a protective barrier from Dad suddenly reappearing and wanting full custody one day when/if he gets wind of how much you make and how much he could receive in support. Not if he has all this arrears accumulating!

It's your insurance policy against the unexpected.
 

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I remember being all freaked out having to go to the Child Services office to apply for child support enforcement. I already had the order through our divorce proceedings (which XH did NOT attend). After a few months, he made some payments, but eventually they stopped. He is also approximately $30K in arrears. He hasn't seen or spoken to DS in years.

XH is out of state so it took a long time to get the enforcement in place. He even has a bench warrant out on him (that I doubt he knows about since I'm sure he hasn't gotten mail notifications...according to his parents, he's living with a bunch of guys somewhere so no official address).

Sometimes I feel guilty, but it wasn't my fault. We were married. He wanted children. Just because I wanted out of the marriage and he didn't, he thinks he doesn't have to support his only child? Whatever!

No, I don't "need" that money. But it isn't mine, it is for DS. And if DS can do more athletics or camps because of it, great! If they keep up over the next year or so, I will just transfer it to DS's savings account for college or some special thing he wants to do.

And ITA with @alpenglow...accountability and personal responsibility is the key take-away!
 
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