Why is having a gifted child so anxiety inducing?

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Thank you. I just read your reply and had been thinking of saying something, but I really don't know if I'm the best one to reply. The only thing I know for dd2 is I'm going to take a wait and see approach and that dd1 doesn't want to be moved ahead. She'd miss her friends too much. But that puts the onus on me to help her more at home.

It's not just living up to potential (which is why I said whatever that turns out to be). It is other things we experience. All along dd1 has been gung-ho about recycling and reducing waste and re-using things. She's happy we are into recycling. Though she came home and told me how she learned about pollution today and cars and begged me to walk her and her sister to school (8 blocks away from our home). Normally I'd be up for a walk, but dd2 melts down after walking two blocks. When I told her it wouldn't be possible, she broke down in tears complete with deep sobs about it. She'd never had that much of an emotional reaction to anything before. I have read other children on this board having deep reactions to things, but never before from my even-keeled dd1. It surprised me a lot.

I'm planning on buying bike locks so that maybe they can ride their bikes to school and keep them there. That might work out for all of us. But still, I never expected that kind of visceral negative reaction to anything before.

Part of it is just my own overwhelm at the inevitable highs and lows they are going to have. Dd1 frequently asks more of me at home to make up for what she isn't getting at school. It's hard, because I still have the two others to do things with.

And dd2 is developing extremely asynchronously. That when tested last year, she was two years below in some areas, and 4 years ahead in other areas and the selective mutism/social anxiety has been a HUGE complication in her development.

I guess it's not just a gifted issue, but a closely spaced children issue too. I think if there was more of me to go around, it wouldn't be so hard. I wouldn't feel so inadequate to the task.

And, I have no one in real life to share these things with. I am a person that really needs face to face interaction with issues like this and I wish I could have someone to talk with about it in real life. I don't know anyone with children like mine. I wish I knew someone in real life to help guide me through the educational maze (don't we all?). Everyone else's kids that I know of are developing rather typically, and some a little behind. And of course, no one has had to deal with severe social anxiety like dd2. It makes me feel even more alone.

I'm starting to think that a lot of the worry that goes into bringing up a gifted child is really about school - i.e. public school. I'll just speak for myself here but I hardly ever worry about their careers or whether they'll have friends, or anything like that - they are happy, pretty-normal kids just having fun with learning - but right now, with 4-year-old ds1 reading at a 2-3rd grade level, doing some 1-2nd grade math...and with a birthday that wouldn't have him even starting K for another year and a half... I'm just not seeing how school is going to fit.

I don't have to deal with this issue at the moment (he's in a play-based preschool and having fun) so I'm not really anxious or obsessed with figuring it out, but I do find myself trying to plan a few years ahead, and it's hard to predict. I've been researching alternatives to the preschool he's in now, to see if there's something more/better for him for next year, and I'm at a standstill. Do I keep him where he is, hangin' out for another year with a familiar routine and friends? Or does he need more stimulation at school, a private school where they'll let him join a kindergarten class? Or should I just homeschool him from here on out? All my worries are about school. But my personality is to tend to be too relaxed (outwardly) and postpone decisions (and school applications) end up with "analysis paralysis" instead of feeling anxious about it.

But overall - I don't feel stressed out. I just wish it were easier to plan ahead!

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I hear ya. It's hard to teach ds1 the math he's been asking to learn, and to really spend the time showing him and practicing with him, when ds2 also needs my attention and is drawing all over the workbook. Haven't figured that one out yet...

Reezley - a portion of it has to do with school, but because it's dd2 being highly sensitive and having extreme social anxiety and being selectively mute on top of being very advanced, it is really, really hard not to be anxious to see how she's going to navigate through life. Education is only the tip of the iceberg for her.

She's doing well in school with the anxiety, but she still pulls me aside to whisper when adults she's not familiar with are around. It shows me she's not over her selective mutism like I thought she was.

I don't want her to regress .

And seeing the signs of her reading books way above her age level makes me realize I'm so not prepared for her to be way ahead of the game. For her, it's not going to be a simple matter of grade skipping. Her social anxiety is going to make that a difficult call to make.

I'm less worried about dd1 than I am about dd2, and if dd2 was emotionally like dd1, I'd have a lot less worries.

I'm finally mellowing out this year and worrying less.

I'll share what's worked for us. DD has been seeing an exceptional art/play therapist and I can't say how much of a difference this has made for her. She's very intense, emotional, intuitive, sensitive, complicated. She's quite emotionally and socially mature, but needed some help sorting through her internal life and understanding herself in relation to her peers. She has become very balanced and we've gone from regular, major meltdowns to occasional, brief mini meltdowns. Phew. She's sooo much happier and more content in her own skin. DS is now seeing the same therapist. I am a very capable parent who researchs and works toward creative solutions. I didn't want to think my kids needed therapy; I wanted to solve it myself. I'm so glad we finally took this step.

Both kids are now in music classes and it makes a huge difference; dd's actually learning two instruments and taking voice (her choice). They're working through perfectionism, being ok with making incremental progress, and they're both musical so derive a lot of pleasure from it. Both kids swim, which is very centering for both of them (I believe there's research on this).
DD is working with a tutor to work on deeper, broader subjects. They both have one additional extra-curricular of interest to them. They're much busier of late, by their choice. Actually, we homeschool DS so he's not that busy, but DD certainly is.

I've learned to not try to be everything school isn't. We go to the library at least weekly and DD just gets what she wants and I'm not involved in her reading. Occasionally, I'll read the same book as she is and we'll talk about it, or DH will.

Most of what I listed above costs money, which can be a problem. I've found ways to do all of the above at lower costs, and while it's a financial stretch I see it making both kids just happier in their own skins.

Have you seen the Iowa Acceleration Scale? I would recommend it as it might help you settle as to whether a skip is an option/positive for each individual child. We've settled into not skipping DD for a whole bunch of reasons, but DS likely will (which may be moot as we're homeschooling for the next while anyway). I find I do better when I have a sense of "settling" an issue, even if it's just for a single school year.

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Snort. There must be an award somewhere for surviving that on a daily basis .

I know what you mean about the discipline problem at school issue. What gets called a discipline issue boggles me - sometimes it's about fit. Or in DS's case, it's also about the fact that he's just somewhere else mentally - I don't mean so much ahead so much as ----- over there someplace, thinking his divergent, out there stuff. Underachievement, IMO, is often lack of attendance to unengaging tasks. Worksheets are brutal.

Slightly OT - have you had his eyes checked? Some eye issues look a lot like ADHD/distractability/lack of attendance.

My response is a little different--and is not meant to be harsh in any way, but to appreciate your sense of being overwhelmed.

Let yourself off the hook! Your DD's are blessed to have such a caring, supportive mama. The fact that you care, that you are willing to give so much of yourself, that you want to be there and "get it" for them--that is more than many kids ever get.

Like BirdGirl said, kids (especially gifted kids) will always find ways to learn. They can't turn it off. As they get older, they will find more and more ways to seek the knowledge they crave on their own. You don't need to take responsibility for all their learning and exploration--just help them access the tools/materials they need.

It sounds like you are carrying a lot of worry about offering the kind of support to your DDs that you did not get yourself. The desire to give support and understanding is great--it's what I wish I had growing up, and what I want to give as a mother. It's the worry you can let go of.

It seems to me that most moms spend an awful lot of time worrying about whether or not we are good enough mothers. (Do I spend enough time with my kids? Do I have enough patience? Do they get enough stimulation? Do they feel loved and challenged and appreciated?) I know I have spent many a wasted night fretting over it all. In truth, anyone as thoughtful as you are is a plenty good enough mother--and your DD's are lucky to have you. So, stop worrying and just love them.

This is not meant to undercut the challenges you face, especially with special issues with DD2. Mothering is hard, and gifties can make it all the more intense. The emotional sensitivities (and probably your own strong sensitivity and intuition) put you in tune with every small hurt and frustration. But, like you, your DDs will need to grow and learn to cope with their own emotional sensitivity--to feel deeply and passionately life's disappointments, frustrations and limitations, and find ways to respond. (I'm thinking about the incident with the bikes.) It's hard on everyone, but they will be fine.

It's okay to have limits with what you can and can't do, even though you want to do it all--you are teaching your DDs that the world as it is is not the world as it should be, but we do the best we can. You do the best you can as a mom. That's all anyone could ask. Much as we would like to, we cannot do everything we want to for our children. But even if we could, I'm not sure we'd be doing them a service, because the rest of the world doesn't work that way and they would come to face it unprepared.

So, good for you. You care, you love, you listen, you support as best you can--which sounds pretty good to me. Let go of the worry. :

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We have thought of getting his eyes checked, but i haven't gotten around to booking the appointment. Thanks for the reminder.

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Last thought, if you are new to the idea that they are gifted, you might need some time to sit with the idea.

I think when people are introduced to an idea, it takes a bit of time to grow accustommed to it.

It is very possible that in a few years you will be more at ease with it.

I also think the early attempts to figure out proper school (or homeschool ) placement is stressing. Once that is resolved, things become easier.

Kathy

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Thank you so much for this post. I am sitting here crying.

Part of things (aside from their issues) is that I'm so bored. I do stuff for them as a way to keep myself challenged as well. When I quit my medical genetics job, had my baby #3, then dd2 had her issues, and I was in a fog for so long. I didn't start feeling better about not working until I decided to actively do things with the kids. I became a researcher of selective mutism, of child development, of gifted issues. I became an emotion coach for dd2, a reading partner with dd1, and because dd3 is still at home (preschool in the fall), I have to keep her occupied when dd1 and dd2 are in school, otherwise she'd be content to watch Spongebob all day. Truly.

I'm so bored I keep three blogs active and just applied for three online writing opportunities, though if truth be told it takes a whole lot less effort for me to write about things than actually do them. Writing so much actually makes me think too much on things. Sometimes I just need to do more hands-on stuff (like gardening or crafting) and spend less time thinking about their development.

(ooh, I just remember something - I'm taking a break for a bit to check my e-mail)

Hmm, this is interesting. I just checked my email and got a quick note back from her teacher (she sent home her email address with dd1 yesterday and asked me to e-mail her).

She replied to some things I told her about (the pollution/bike thing) and also added this:

"I've recommended [dd1] to Mr. T [principal] on a list of "high achievers" for 2nd grade. Not sure what's to come, perhaps some planning for grouping."

This comforts me greatly. I know that the teacher is recognizing her abilities without me having to say anything. I know they don't start testing for the gifted group until 3rd grade, but it's not until 4th grade that they have the gifted program.

I'm going to take the advice you all gave me and start relaxing. Things will work out okay. I just have to have a little more faith that their school is going to be able to help meet their needs (and if not, worrying about it when the time comes and not before).

Thank you so much. I could hug you all.

I think it's time to let loose the concern I have for them and start working on my own development for a while. They will be okay.

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Thank you for everything Kathy. I know dd1 will do find in P.S. - particularly after what her teacher just emailed me about.

But I worry most about dd2 - who is the one to really NEED a grade skip, yet the selective mutism/social anxiety just might preclude that. She's going to be hardest to advocate for, though it helps that the early intervention preschool teacher gave her the bracken test. Their opinions of her will carry some weight (they already have expressed to me how bright she is, and the Bracken helps show it even though it's not an IQ test).

If things don't turn out okay for her, I'm going to have to revisit the possibility of homeschooling her. I'm not against it, but I worry about college entrance WAY down the pike (if I don't h/s well enough, will she be able to go to college?). This is a worry despite the fact she's convinced all she wants to do is stay with me for the rest of her life. She even weeps at the idea of not being with me when she's older.

Uh-oh.

I found out something more about dd1 after replying to the teacher a moment ago.

I emailed her back this morning and told her I thought that would turn out to be a good thing for her as she's a very hard worker and she likes to keep challenged.

She emailed back and agreed. She also said she'd probably be in the merit program. She told me that they recommend and test in third grade for placement into 4th.

She also said dd is so relaxed in her classroom that she's being suckered into being chatty by classmates so I have to remind her about maintaining self control. Apparently, while dd doesn't initiate conversations, she also doesn't stop from responding when other kids talk to her. The teacher would do reminding at school, but I need to reinforce it at home.

Guess I'm going to have to figure out how to tell dd she's got to tell her friends to not disturb her while she's working. So much for letting go of worry. Now I have to worry about her self-control in school. Sigh. It's not her fault. Everybody loves talking to dd. She's a neat kid.