[Finch]

Well, it finally happened, I am officially a special needs mom.

I was in checkout line at the groc. store, and ds was whining/grunting/screeching for a balloon. I kept telling him to use his words, and that if he said the WORD balloon (or even something close to it...hell, just the "b" sound would have been enough) he could have it. A woman was behind me with 2 boys, around ages 4-ish and 6-ish. The older boy looks at ds and asked me "why is he like that?"

I was totally caught off guard, and fumbled trying to find the right words, an explanation that wouldn't be disparaging to ds while at the same time would give an explanation to a curious child having probably his first experience close up with an autistic or SN child. I stammered and smiled and said, "because he has special needs and has problems talking...." I didn't know what else to say.

The mom looked embarassed, I just smiled at her and said it was totally okay for her ds to ask that question. I mean, sure it stung a little to hear that question, but I of course knew that this day would come and would rather people come right out and ask instead of stare and wonder, kwim?

What would be a good all-purpose sort of response for such questions? I want to convey to any child that asks about ds that his autism is nothing to be afraid of and be respectful of ds, but that at the same time gives a good kid-friendly explanation.

Suggestions?

 

[Serenity]

i usually say (in front of ds to another kid) ds has a little trouble doing x, we're still practicing that. for most kids that's enough.

 

[krissi]

I've been caught in a couple of similar situations. I don't have a natural talent for talking to children, especially since DD isn't hugely verbal yet and doesn't ask me any questions. The worst is when we'll be in a waiting room or something and a younger child will be asking her mom if she can go over and play with the other girl (DD) and the other mom will encourage her and then the child will get disappointed because DD won't talk to her and the child asks me why DD won't talk to her.

Then it's doubly hard because I don't know how much DD understands of what I say and I absolutely don't want to say anything that will make her feel bad if she DOES understand it and hears me. What usually comes out when other kids ask me about her is something along the lines of, "She is having a little bit more trouble learning to talk than you did. She just needs a little bit of extra help to understand." Then usually the other mom will jump in to the rescue and tell her child that it's sweet of her to try to play with the other kids and I'll be off the hook. I don't know what more I would say beyond that point though. I am also interested in further suggestions.

 

[AuntLavender]

and I don't think they ask to be rude or anything.

When children (or adults) we don't know who ask,"Why does he talk funny?" I'll say, "He's learning to talk, and he's doing great." In my experience that approach stops the questions immediately.

{{{Hugs}}}

Sincerely,
Debra, homeschooling mom of 4 ages 9 1/2, 8 1/2, 6 1/2, and 38 mos (apraxia, dysarthria)

 

[LowFlyingAnimals]

I like to note what she can do, too, both for her potential eavesdropping if she understands and because I like to remind people of that. Sometimes I'll say: "That's just how she is." And add, "She's not a big talker; she prefers dancing." Substituting whatever quirk and whatever she's into. She doesn't have a diagnosis yet, and either way she is just her, not a condition. I like to emphasize that and remember myself.

But, you never get over being asked, do you? Even when I'm certain no harm is meant, I can't help but worry a few days.

 

[krissi]

Those are good suggestions. I think I'll start using those instead of my old line! I totally agree that they mean no harm by asking. It sure is hard to think up an appropriate response on the spot though.

 

[Finch]

Oh no, I'm not upset the child asked. It's only natural.

I didn't mind. But yeah, it stung a little. Just another one of those wow-my-child-really-is-different moments, kwim?

Mama G had a really good response (I cross-posted in TAO 'cause I wanted NT kids' moms to respond too), it was, "my son has autism, which sometimes makes it hard for him to say what he wants." I think that's really a good answer. Now, if the child goes on and asks what autism is, can y'all think of a good answer for that?

Kids are going to ask. I want to be able to answer them, I think of us as special needs/autism ambassadors of a sort.

 

[snuggly mama]

Dd is blind, so I get TONS of questions from kids. They figure out real quick that she's not actually looking at them, kwim? Anyway, I just tell them that dd's eyes don't work and she sees with her fingers instead. I also like to add that she likes it when kids talk to her, which usually makes them feel like she's more approachable.

And sometimes, when I really just don't want to feel like it's my job to be the ambassador for all blind kids, I just say "oh, she's kinda tired today"

: (this hardly ever happens now, but it was a big deal for me when she was a baby!)

 

[jessielove]

Sometimes it kind of sucker punches you from out of nowhere, doesn't it?

 

[usolyfan]

My dd has a shunt on the top of her head. Since she is only seven months old it is still visable. When she was younger it was very noticible as she didn't have much hair and still doesn't. I have had people come up to her car seat and say "Oh what a cute.................................uhhhhh, baby!" as if they are speechless when they see the top of her head. I quickly go into a disertation about Spina Bifida and Hydrocephalus. When I have a child ask a question I tell them that she has extra water in her head and that this piece of plastic works like a vacuum and takes the water out of her head for her. I am a teacher so this process comes naturally for me (always wanting to use experiences to educate, goodness knows I have received a whole new level of education since dd was diagnosed at 20 weeks gestation. I welcome people's questions. If they care enough to ask I certainly care enough to answer. I too would much rather have them ask than wonder and not know.

 

[AuntLavender]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Finch Oh no, I'm not upset the child asked. It's only natural. I didn't mind. But yeah, it stung a little. Just another one of those wow-my-child-really-is-different moments, kwim?

I just wrote that to clarify the difference between being asked a question from someone who truly wants to know versus us adults who sometimes say hurtful things.

At the library I gave my standard reply and the child asked what caused it and I said it's a "motor planning disorder" and the child who asked was fine with that! LOL!

*In addition to being non-verbal my child only has 2 thumbs and 4 fingers and all are very short. Mostly no one mentions it but when they do I say he was born with a birth defect that affected his hands.

{{{Hugs}}}

I remember my SIL telling her my son was *special* when my son was an infant. I was mad because it didn't give my son a fair chance. Maybe only his hands were affected I thought and how does that merit the *special* label? All children are special!

 

[bunsmom]

Just wanted to

It is hard, and I think what is harder is worrying about how your response might affect your child.

So far no one has said anything to me exactly, but as DD is getting older it is getting harder to not say something when someone comes up and tries to get her to wave or talk to them, and I always say "She is tired" because I don't feel like explaining anything, besides this is all new and I think I might start crying if I did. At the same time I feel like I am doing a disservice to my DD.

 

[Finch]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bunsmom Just wanted to It is hard, and I think what is harder is worrying about how your response might affect your child. So far no one has said anything to me exactly, but as DD is getting older it is getting harder to not say something when someone comes up and tries to get her to wave or talk to them, and I always say "She is tired" because I don't feel like explaining anything, besides this is all new and I think I might start crying if I did. At the same time I feel like I am doing a disservice to my DD.

Aw, mama.

When was she diagnosed? I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling. I tell people "he's feeling shy today" when they try to talk to him or get him to talk. Sigh. I still don't know how to handle THAT appropriately.

Yesterday was just...weird. Before this happened, a woman in the parking lot of the coffee shop where I was earlier came up to me after seeing me carrying my Making Peace With Autism book and talked to me about her son's autism. She was tearful, said she was on the verge of tears, and started talking to me about how the school was just giving her the runaround, etc.. I felt so bad for her. She looked distraught. I gave her lots of references, websites, agencies, names and offered my email (she declined). I just wanted to hug her and tell her it would be okay.

I'm feeling like I'm sort of swimming in autism this week, if that makes any sense. I'm trying to make that crisis storybook, making task boxes for ds's TEACCH sessions at home, planning more task box ideas, and doing other little odds and ends related autism stuff. On top of all the therapies.

I just...ugh...can my world NOT be about autism for 5 minutes?

Guess not.

 

[Finch]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AuntLavender *In addition to being non-verbal my child only has 2 thumbs and 4 fingers and all are very short. Mostly no one mentions it but when they do I say he was born with a birth defect that affected his hands.

Quote:

My dd has a shunt on the top of her head. Since she is only seven months old it is still visable. When she was younger it was very noticible as she didn't have much hair and still doesn't. I have had people come up to her car seat and say "Oh what a cute.................................uhhhhh, baby!" as if they are speechless when they see the top of her head. I quickly go into a disertation about Spina Bifida and Hydrocephalus. When I have a child ask a question I tell them that she has extra water in her head and that this piece of plastic works like a vacuum and takes the water out of her head for her. I am a teacher so this process comes naturally for me (always wanting to use experiences to educate, goodness knows I have received a whole new level of education since dd was diagnosed at 20 weeks gestation. I welcome people's questions. If they care enough to ask I certainly care enough to answer. I too would much rather have them ask than wonder and not know.

Wow, you guys handle stuff with so much more grace than me. I felt like a buffalo in a tutu trying to dance yesterday.

: Oh yeah, the picture of grace and decorum, that's me.

 

[GranoLLLy-girl]

I love it when people ask questions about my child. It gives me the chance to explain and hopefully enlightened the person asking.
However, I have days when I don't have the time to respond as I'd like--that's what I find challenging.
Anyway, hang in there Finch--you are doing an incredible job and my hat is off to you!

 

[Megs Momma]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Finch Wow, you guys handle stuff with so much more grace than me. I felt like a buffalo in a tutu trying to dance yesterday. : Oh yeah, the picture of grace and decorum, that's me.

now that's a mental picture! LOL!

When people ask me about my son (autistic also) I just tell them that he's autistic and that he does things a little differently from you or I. That usually suffices

 

[Megamama]

Yesterday a man was trying to give Eli some of his tortilla chips at the mexican place..it was very crowded and Eli was next to him..Eli threw his face into my chest and teh guy looked at me and I said, "He's very shy". I've also used this with various children we know and it works fine.

I'm new to this too, so I haven't had that happen yet..I don't know what I'll do when it does..