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<p>a friend of mine (and good friend of xh) has an art show opening tonight.  my boys adore him, and we often go to art show openings, so of course we're going!  i asked xh on wednesday whether he was going, and he didn't know anything about it, but said he would definitely be there.  he called me for something else this morning, and then mentioned the show tonight and said he can't wait, and also can't wait to see the boys.  great!  how fun.  super excited.  we're not going *with* xh but i do like it when he can see the kids more than his one measly weeknight.</p>
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<p>so just now i stupidly checked facebook (just my newsfeed, not stalking xh) and he posted, "art show tonight with (fiancee) and (her dd)!!!!  this is going to be so fun!"</p>
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<p><span><img alt="irked.gif" id="user_yui_3_4_1_2_1334336849395_161" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/irked.gif"></span></p>
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<p><span>i wanna be like, "what about YOUR kids?" but i'm not going to say anything like that.  it makes me so mad, and it also just really hurts, but i don't really even get that.  what the hell?  am i jealous?  or is it just about my kids?  what??? </span></p>
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<p>i don't really think it's about his fiancee and her dd.  i don't have a problem with them.  we just went to a party at his fiancee's work last night, and then she added me on facebook this morning and of course i accepted right away.  i don't really think it's that but i don't get what it is that's bothering me so much.</p>
 

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<p>I would be hurt in your shoes too. It is hard as Mum's we always want to believe thta the other parent will put the kids first. And what he is saying is like he isn't excited to see them.</p>
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<p>I am sorry.. I would find that bothersome too. (((hug))) No advice on the how to stop caring them... I have yet to figure that out myself.</p>
 

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<p>He probably posted that to let her know he's looking forward to going. Makes her feel good to be in the spotlight, and he probably left out that you and your boys are going because he didn't want a lot of weird comments on his status. </p>
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<p>I can totally see how that would make you feel like crap, but at least he did express to you by phone that he's excited to see you and the boys. He's not lying, is he? He's just not publishing it because that would be weird. So he's just one excited happy guy, looking forward to the showing for all kinds of reasons. </p>
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<p>FB is such a can of worms when it comes to this kind of thing, and if you happen to be PMSing, it can make it seem even more egregious. </p>
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
<p>oh no way, i would never ever expect him to say he's getting together with me.  it was just saying he was excited about doing something with his fiancee's dd and failing to mention our kids.  i am hardcore pms'ing :) and yeah . . . i'm fine now.  i was really tempted to be like, "our boys are super pumped tooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" but i'm a grownup.  it just made me think, man, i'm glad our kids aren't old enough to be on facebook because i think that would be hurtful to them.  i was probably just being protective?  i don't know.  anyway.  blah.  it was just a dumb facebook moment, and the actual event will still be totally rad.</p>
 

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<p>Well, I think we can agree he's pretty clueless and could use some FB etiquette lessons. But if some years later your boys saw him post something like that, they probably would just post on there, "Hey! What about us?!!" and he would acknowledge them with gusto. I mean, boys aren't usually sensitive about something like that unless there's a history of dad treating them like 2nd class kids. It sounds like in your case that he really does love them and likes being around them. </p>
 

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<p>Yeah, I get it. Your ex is a lot like my ex -- a guy who kind of can pass as a sort of good guy, a guy who's clueless and can't get his shit together, but isn't really a bad person. Then you dig a bit deeper and you realize they're staggeringly, shockingly selfish. All the passive aggressive shit they pull, all the poor me, all the not giving a genuine shit about anyone but themselves...every now and then it really hits you over the head. I can get along with my ex in the same way that you can get along with your ex -- day to day is often pleasant enough. But yeah, it does happen that I sometimes forget and start thinking that he's not really such a bad guy, and I always get a reminder.</p>
<p>That's not to say that they don't love their kids. They do. But they're also deeply selfish and they'll never truly think about the impact of their actions on other people.</p>
<p>The only advice I have is to stop waiting for them to act like unselfish, grown-up, acceptable men. They never will.</p>
 

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<p>Where have I been? Last I knew, you were legally married and China was on the table.</p>
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<p>Hope the opening went well.</p>
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<p>Mine, too.</p>
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<p>Doubledutch, I just want to say I am impressed that you are on such good terms with your ex.  I think I'm pretty gracious toward mine but I can't imagine mutually attending an event unless it was a kid performance or something, and no way would the girlfriend/housemate be welcome.  Totally not a criticism, I'm just impressed!<br>
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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Super~Single~Mama</strong> <a href="/community/t/1350556/why-is-this-bothering-me-and-how-do-i-stop-caring#post_16946746"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Oh man MamaJen, that's my ex too.</div>
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
<p>worthy, we're on good terms mainly because i'm an overly nice doormat who goes along with whatever in order to keep the peace, most of the time, and also because he's in a relationship so less of his crazy is directed at me now.</p>
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<p>it was really pretty fun, but xh's fiancee was carrying/using my mf'ing bag.  it's not a purse, just a little red canvas tote bag (like a book bag?) with a hot pink botanical print on it that my high school bff gave me when ds1 was born, from a little boutique in mpls.  there is no way she just happens to have the same bag.  no way!  i must have used it to send the boys' things at some point.  i can see her assuming it was xh's bag (yes, even with the floral print, xh is eccentric), but still, wtf?<br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>DeerMother</strong> <a href="/community/t/1350556/why-is-this-bothering-me-and-how-do-i-stop-caring#post_16947356"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><p>Where have I been? Last I knew, you were legally married and China was on the table.</p>
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<p>Hope the opening went well.</p>
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<p><br>
hahahahahaha.  yeah.  you'll love this.  quick recap: we split in july 2010; by oct 2010 xh had a plan to move to beijing for two years with friends of ours, a married couple, who are living and working there.  they were going to let him live in their apartment until he found a place, they lined up work for him and everything.  he was going to leave in december originally, then this got changed to january 2011.  even as of early january 2011 he was still planning to go, had his plane ticket and everything.  no concern about spending two years away from his children, apparently.  anyway, his plans fell through when the guy friend found out the wife was messing around with xh while she was here visiting and renewing her visa (basically at the time xh came up with this brilliant plan). </p>
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<p>a few months after that, about a year ago, he started dating his now-fiancee.  they got engaged in august and moved into together last fall (he officially moved in there the end of october, but he started staying there overnight, including when he had our boys, mid september).  we got legally divorced late november, right after our 8th wedding anniversary.</p>
 

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<p>Wowsers. So it wasn't his sense of adventure leading him there, after all.</p>
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<p>Belated congratulations on your divorce. Mine was final on x's birthday. The wicked side of me loves that.</p>
 

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<p>Yes congrats on the divorce. It's so funny how so many of our XHs think of themselves. I think we need to put a big warning sign about that in the dating thread. Something like "Red Flag - He appears nice but thinks only of himself". I wonder now what these guys tell their new women? Don't these women ever catch on?</p>
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
<p>i think i forgot to tell you guys he dropped my kids off at daycare last week (or maybe that was two weeks ago now).  xh drove them without a license.  i flipped, but calmed down before i called him, and the conversation actually went just fine, but seriously, what was he thinking?  he has the option of the city bus or he could always ask me - in fact, i asked him the night before whether he needed me to pick them up, because i had the two weeks before that.  what a douche.</p>
 
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