[Carlito's_wife]

Need an objective opinion.

DH and I have been going round and round. Since becoming pregnant I have gotten many letters and phone calls from DH mother and sisters about how they despise my unborn child, it is a disgrace to their families name to have this child be born to it, that I am nothing but a whore and they hate that I have anything to do with their family.

Now I don't take this too personally because I don't know them and they don't know me. I really don't care how they feel about things.

I do however find it to be disgracfull to be associated with them. I have already spoken with a lawyer and am in the middle of changing my name back to my maiden name. Here is where the troubles with DH arrise. I don't think I should be obligated to name my child after those people. DH says it is not their name it is his but I still don't see why my child should be named after a family he/she will never know and who want nothing to do with him/her. Why is it so wrong to name my child after my side of the family who love and adore it already?

Am I stepping out of bounds here? I honestly don't think so. A name is something you carry with you for a lifetime and a last name is something you pass on for generations. Shouldn't my child have the opportunity to pass on a name they can be pround of? His family brings nothing to this household but hate and trouble. I really feel in my heart I would be doing my child a great injustice by giving it my husbands last name.

 

[LaurenB]

Your in-laws sound like terrible people. I don't see any reason why your name shouldn't be considered. It's just as valid as his IMHO. Would dh ever consider changing his name to yours? You do have a long time to talk it out before the baby is born. Also, I would look into blocking the phone numbers of your in-laws. You're a pregnant lady and don't need that kind of additional stress and drama.

 

[artgirl]

I can see your dh's point of view... he may feel like you are rejecting a piece of HIM. I think men in particular have a really strong attachment to their family name. Even though he may agree with you in regards to the rest of his family it is still HIS name too so try to be a little sensitive to that. And if your child will never have anything to do with dh's family they will always attribute their name to their father and him only.

That being said... I kept my maiden name when I got married. I married late and felt some part of my identity tied up in my name. It took dh a minute or two to understand but he was supportive. When our kids were born we talked about all kinds of options in regard to last names. We chose to hyphenate (kindof a pain) but we also talked about creating a totally new last name made up of letters from both of our last names combined. Or... you could always just pick a totally new last name for your whole family (you and dh included). One you and your dh like. As far as I'm concerned you can do whatever you like. Maybe a clean break from both of your last names is the way to go.

Food for thought.

 

[snozzberry]

I agree with Lauren. IMNSHO, it's sexist that it's assumed in our society we'll blindly use the father's last name without having a real conversation--a real decision about which to use.

I kept my last name when we married, so DH and I are going to come up with a new last name for our kids--probably a combination of our last names. So that's an option too in case your husband feels like just using your name would leave him out of the picture!

 

[flapjack]

I would seriously look into getting restraining orders in place against your new family- because like it or not, they are your family now. MIL is going to be related to you the second this baby's head crowns.
As far as baby's name goes, I think you and your dhhave way bigger issues right now, like trying to stay married. See what happens when February gets here.

 

[PiePie]

My baby will be taking my last name.

 

[Ann-Marita]

If you are looking for an "authority" who says it's ok, look for Miss Manners. I remember reading that she thought women should keep their own names, and children should be named after the mother.

I don't remember which of her books that was in.

 

[Carlito's_wife]

Quote:

Originally Posted by flapjack I would seriously look into getting restraining orders in place against your new family- because like it or not, they are your family now. MIL is going to be related to you the second this baby's head crowns. As far as baby's name goes, I think you and your dhhave way bigger issues right now, like trying to stay married. See what happens when February gets here.

Do you think a restraining order is taking it a bit too far? I seriously thought about bringing them up on charges because they were without a doubt harrassing me and they had even gone as far as to find me on certain popular internet forums to leave me nasty messages on there. I thought I was over reacting but initially the word "stalkers" was going through my head. I kind of feel like if I were to press charges and get a restraining order I would essentially be feeding into their behaviors and they might never leave me alone or it might give them more reason to harrass me.

That was a really scary thing to read that I should be worried about my marriage. I have been worried how this will affect us and I told him from the beginning when you have in laws like this a marriage cannot work. As much as I hate to admitt it they do play a big role in my life with my husband. He is a very sensative guy and would rather just not talk to them than have to tell them to leave me alone. I have seen him go to the bathroom and cry alone in the dark several times since this whole mess started. It's gotten to the point that when they do something to me I can't even tell him because it upsets him so bad. Of course it's easy now because they're in the wrong so he is on my side. But when this baby is born and they are begging to see my child I will stand my ground. That is when things will turn and I will be the one to blame.

This seems to be a lose lose situation.

 

[20605]

I kept my last name, but dd has Gregg's name. However, that being said, friends of mine used the mom's last as the middle name and the dad's as the last name.

 

[LoveChild421]

We're not married so obviously I still have my original last name. We thought about giving ds my name but dp really wanted him to have his. I think it's some sort of male thing- wanting to claim his son as his own or something like that. It was much more of a big deal to him than it was to me so I agreed to have ds take dp's last name. If it's something you feel strongly about you shouldn't just give in, but maybe you two can come to some sort of compromise and give your child both you last names?

 

[pumpkin]

Not in your DDC

But our plan is that girls will get my name, boys get DH name. Its fair and its something that can be perpetuated over time if our kids choose to follow the same pattern. The alternative for us would be hyphenation, but that just seems to shift the problem to the next generation because people can't just hyphenate indefinitely as names will quickly become impossibly long. I also would have been fine with flipping a coin. But never would I just use DH name or my name by default we would need a reason to choose one over the other.

If you have a reason not to use a name, then by all means, use one you are comfortable with.

 

[mama_nym]

IMHO, getting a restraining order now (I believe you can get no-contact orders where they can't come physically near you, and also cannot call you, email you, write you, pm you, etc.) would be a big plus once baby gets here because if they make a stink about seeing the baby, you'll have the order in place and can more easily keep them away. Also, if you plan to give birth anywhere other than home, you could alert the staff that there is a protective order against these people and no one other than you or dh can allow anyone to see/hold your babe or come into your room.

I took my dh's last name when we got married, so we all have the same last name ... but if I'd kept my last name, we'd probably give the boys dh's last name and girls my last name.

 

[eilonwy]

I"m with flapjack-- get a restraining order. Harassment is what it is, no matter how you slice it. If your husband can't handle it and stand with you, the two of you seriously need to discuss it and sort things out.

My husband and I have a common-law marriage. His parents are good people, they love me and the kids dearly, but they've got some issues and we disagree on some MAJOR points. It's still a work in progress, but if I didn't feel like my husband was on my side, we wouldn't be together at this point. He has to support me or he has to leave me, and both of us are aware of that fact. When my FIL told my husband that I shouldn't just whip a boob out to feed my baby wherever I happened to be, my husband calmly and firmly told him that the tendancy of Americans to sexualize human breasts had nothing to do with breastfeeding, nor with biblical standards of modesty. When FIL told Mike that the reason [one of our] babies cried at night was that we refused to train them not to by putting them into a crib, he told them that he'd rather know where his babies were at night and deal with a little bit of work than put his kid in baby jail and forget about her for eight solid hours.

In other words, Mike and I agree on the important stuff. It breaks his heart that I don't trust his parents to be alone with the kids because they preach their nasty brand of Christianity to them, but Mike shares the important ideas with me and he agrees that they shouldn't do it. If your husband can't stand up and support you against his parents, he needs to reassess his priorities. That's all there is to it. It hurts, of course, to reject your birth family like that, but YOU are his family now-- he chose to be with you, did he not? It's time to grow up and choose a positition.

 

[captain optimism]

We each kept our last names and my son has our two last names with a hyphen in the middle. A lot of people in our community have hyphenated names, and so far he's into sharing that with them. (He's four now.)

I don't know your whole situation, but it seems really scary to me that your ILs are calling you names. I would also look into the restraining order. I'm sorry you are coping with this.

 

[aslmere]

I am so sorry that you are going through this!
It sounds so stressful!
I don't have any advice for how to deal with it...just

On the name thing...
When we got married my DH took MY name.
I never for a minute thought I would take his. I was 28 when we married and attached to my name. And his family life growing up was pretty bad...so he wasn't upset about putting the name behind him.
All our kids have my last name as well.
We thought about each keeping our own and then deciding about the kids when they came. But he wanted us all to have the same last name and took mine.

His family doesn't seem to care at all... what very little we see of them.

 

[ellymay]

If your switching your name back to your maiden name then why not have the baby w/ your last name could you not somehow incoperate your dh's other name ie 1-2nd names into this childs name so that he/she has a part of its fathers name since it is obviously important to him maybe that would be a start of a comprimise but if I were in your shoes and had IL's like that I wouldn't want to give my child that name either.

 

[Greeneyes0506]

We gave our DDs my maiden name and my DS has our last name. Big mistake, because every doctor's office gets confused when they have a different last name then me when I take them in. Now we have to spend a lot of $$ to change their last name.

If I had kept my maiden name it would have been no problem. Do what you want to do!

 

[bloominmamas]

Your in-laws sound horrible, I am so sorry. I aggreed with you somewhat in believing our children should be able to have their mother's name, and DH and I compromised by giving the kids my last name as well but they could chose to use it as a hyphen or they could use it as a last name. I don't know if something similar would be an option?

 

[flapjack]

carlito's wife, the big reason I'm worrying about you is that some of your posts about your other half, you just don't sound happy. If you have to deal with in-laws who act like the brides of dracula as well, then I think you need a

- but yeah. This isn't going to be an easy year, what with your hubby being posted to Iraq and all, and this is stress you don't need right now.

 

[mom3b1?]

I think you should name your baby anything you want to. You could even pick a third last name, or no last name. Different cultures have different traditions, and there is no one right way to do it.

I'm appalled at your husband's family's bad behavior. I can't imagine what kind of twisted thinking makes them feel it is acceptible to act in this way. I agree with your desire to dsitance yourself from them in any way possible. I would not want my child to spend time with such appallling people either.

You know, you could all three get your last name changed to something new. You could change everybody's name, if you want to share a name. You could take part of your DH's last name, to honor him (not his family) and part of your name and make something beautiful, or make a name based on a word that has a meaning you like.

How is your husband taking all of this?

Kiley