Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 38 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
107 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I feel like a leper! My family fell all over themselves getting in touch with me when I was pregnant, but since the miscarriage.... nothing. I know they all know that we lost the pregnancy, but I haven't received a single e-mail, phone call, card, or even a simple acknowledgement of my loss from ANY of my family other than my mom and dad. My in-laws have been amazingly supportive, letting me talk and sharing their own thoughts and experiences with me-- honestly, I don't know what I would have done without my MIL-- but it's like my own family are pretending it never happened.<br><br>
I'm trying not to let it get to me, but it really stings. Especially since I just got a really nice card from DH's best friend's mom. I barely know her, but she's already expressed more warmth and sympathy than all my family put together. I can understand my two best friends in the US not knowing what to say-- they're both single and not really into kids, so they don't "get" it-- but several of my family members have had miscarriages themselves, so they KNOW what I'm going through. And still nothing.<br><br>
I tried taking the initiative and calling them myself, and I was told by one person that they hadn't said anything because they didn't want to "set me off". What am I, a bomb waiting to explode? Did they think ignoring the subject would make it go away?<br><br>
Sorry for venting like this, but I'm just so hurt and angry and I needed to get it out. This pregnancy was a big damn deal for me, and I'm tired of feeling like I can't talk about it. I have nothing to feel ashamed of!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
255 Posts
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, maybe they'll come around soon...<br><br>
until then, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,376 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I am so sorry your family is being so disconnected. That is great that your ILs and MIL friend have been there for you. I am glad you have someone there. I know that is not the same as having your own family there to support you though. I don't have an idea why they are being so quiet. I hope they come around soon and realize you are not a bomb waiting to explode and you just want some support. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
255 Posts
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, maybe they'll come around soon...<br><br>
until then, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
603 Posts
I remember feeling this way too with my two losses. I'm so sorry.<br><br>
I wish that I had said something at the time to my family members about how it felt that they weren't talking about it. If that feels like the right thing for you to do, you might try that. I regret now that I suffered in silence.<br><br>
It will get better, I promise.<br><br>
Take good care,<br>
Tara
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
669 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Megan_in_Holland</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10323713"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I tried taking the initiative and calling them myself, and I was told by one person that they hadn't said anything because they didn't want to "set me off". What am I, a bomb waiting to explode? Did they think ignoring the subject would make it go away?<br></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
In a sense, I kind of was a "bomb" of emotions. My miscarriages didn't hit me right away, it was a couple of days into the bleeding that I realized my feelings and cried it all out. It hurts to miscarry a very much wanted baby, and sometimes even our loved ones don't want to deal with our emotions. Which does hurt even more, I think.<br><br>
It's good that you have some support, take advantage of it and spill yourself to them. You will become closer because of it, and in time you will be able to forgive those that didn't know how to comfort you and avoided you because of it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
603 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I tried taking the initiative and calling them myself, and I was told by one person that they hadn't said anything because they didn't want to "set me off". What am I, a bomb waiting to explode? Did they think ignoring the subject would make it go away?</td>
</tr></table></div>
Sadly, many people do believe this. We fear expression of emotion in our culture. Again, I am so sorry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
882 Posts
I know it hurts, but your family is probably afraid of saying the wrong thing or just don't know what to say...Sometimes letting them know that it's OK to talk about it, and that it hurts that nobody is talking about it, will allow the floodgates to open. Hugs mama.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,571 Posts
two things:<br><br>
my mom had a full term stillbirth and she said that the ONLY person who ever even mentioned it to her was her aunt that had also lost a baby. it was like the rest of the her family just pretended it never happened. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
i think that people are uncomfortable dealing with grief in general so we avoid anyone who is grieving.<br><br>
my best friend had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and i was moderately supportive but i wasn't able to fully acknowledge her loss until i became pregnant myself.<br><br>
i'm sorry that you're dealing with this <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
79 Posts
i want to tell you that i acknowledge your loss. and your writing about it helps me and heals me.<br>
i too am sitting here in silence. my sister wrote me a very brief, pat response and has not even called to offer to help in any way. some of my friends have not wrote or said one thing.<br>
losing a baby needs to come out of the darkness. it is very strange to me, in our educated, self-help society that we are still in the dark ages about miscarriage.<br>
i'm sorry your family is being so distant.<br>
i know that now that i have experienced this, i will never do the silent treatment to anyone i know who goes through this.<br>
i send you love and <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
954 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I am so sorry you have to go through this. It does seem our society is very awkward when it comes to death, loss and grief. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br>
Like someone suggested, you can tell them you do wish to talk about your feelings. When we sent out our birth/death announcement, we stated that we do not wish to forget, that we wanted our baby's name said and to please not avoid mentioning the sad event. Sometimes people need a signal to know if it is ok to talk about it.<br>
I hope you feel better soon, take care.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,059 Posts
I am so sorry for your loss. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br>
I found that after my loss, comfort and support came from some places I didn't expect it to, and didn't come from some places I assumed it would have come from. I remember saying to my husband one day "Your mother does know the baby's dead, right?" I was so confused by her silence; I really expected her to come by and help with the other children, bring us a meal, or at least send a card or flowers. On the flip side, my boss from a job I'd left 6 months before kept showing up at my house with food, flowers for my garden, and a lovely handmade card.<br>
It's awful to be grieving your child and then to feel wounded, confused, and hurt by the reactions of people you thought would hold you up when you desperately needed support. I am glad that at least one person in your life has reached out with her love and sympathy.<br>
If you can find a support group of other parents who have suffered a loss, I encourage you to go. It was so validating for me to see other parents feeling the depth of sadness and loneliness that I was feeling.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,587 Posts
I'm so sorry for your loss. I also sorry your family is making it harder for you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,257 Posts
Dear Megan,<br><br>
My Dad has experienced the same thing. My brother died when he was 19, before the death he was in contact with loads of people but after my brother died and the funeral passed, friend he had known for years just vanished, they didn't know what to say and rather than deal with my Dads emotions and their own they just totally shut him out.<br><br>
It would seem that from conception unttil a particular age, death is a taboo subject that people are scared to approach. Once someone has reached an age where they have lived a long life, death is expected and ok, but until then, a lot of people just don't know how to deal with it.<br><br>
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, I don't know whether you have any family members that you are particularly close with so that maybe you could share your feelings about the miscarriage and then the feelings about your families reaction so that maybe, they can pass it on and people will know that this something that you would like them to acknowledge (although it shouldn't have to be done this way).<br><br>
Hugs to you..........
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,157 Posts
Yours is a timely post for me. My sil just lost a second baby at 4+ months. The thing is, our parents have told us <i>not</i> to call and to give them space. We, of course, want to acknowledge their loss, but we also don't want to intrude if they want some time alone. We sent a flowering plant and a card the last time and will likely send something soon this time as well, but I've been hesitant to call or reach out beyond that b/c of what I've been advised by my parents.<br><br>
Is it possible that your parents have told your family members to give you space to grieve?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,810 Posts
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I think in our culture a lot of people don't know what to say or how to deal with emotion or feelings especially when it comes to loss, not that I am at all excusing their behaviour, but maybe trying to explain why they may be acting that way. We are here for you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
462 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I'm so sorry for you loss and what you're dealing with from your family. I experienced this with my loss as well. It was hard enough processing my grief & emotions but then trying to understand how certain family & friends couldn't acknowledge our loss just baffled me. It does get better. Be gentle with yourself and try not to hold it against them. I have realized that some people just don't "get it", others "never will" and there are the special ones that have or haven't walked this path that just know and offer support, regardless. Like a pp mentioned, I found my support in places I never thought I would. The women in this forum helped me to deal with my grief and healing, as I realized my feelings were normal. I wasn't alone but I hadn't met many irl that could relate.<br><br>
I'm so sorry for your loss....it's real, you're mourning the loss of your dreams, hopes and future as well as your lo. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/candle.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Candle"><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,995 Posts
Megan,<br><br>
I am going through the same thing. No one has really acknowledged our loss. We have not got a single card. When we told people they showed sympathy, but after that nothing. The only one that asks or talks about it is one of my BFs. I am so angry that no one cares.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> We are here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,002 Posts
when my friend lost a baby, i didn't say anything to her (except the initial "i'm so sorry about your loss."). i was trying to give her space and time to think, and she was so upset about losing the baby, i didn't want to upset her further by bringing it up. i wanted to talk about it, but i didn't think people who had lost babies <i>would want</i> it brought back up. then one day she brought it up, and we talked about her sweet baby. maybe they're thinking like i did.<br><br>
btw, words cannot express how sorry i am to hear that you lost your lo. it must be so hard.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
450 Posts
I didn't read the other posts but, I just wanted to send hugs. Sometimes people don't know what to say or what is appropriate to do or say so, they just don't say anything and may even avoid situations or contact. I know how lonely a time like this can be. We had an early loss and I didn't tell anyone...especially my mom because I didn't want to feel crowded or have people feel sorry for me and ask me silly questions like 'how are you doing'. My husband and I needed time to absorb and focus on what had happened and how we were going to heal without involving everyone else. I hope in time as you heal emotionally and physically that you will be able understand that your family may have been doing the best they could or knew how to and were not being intentionally insensitative to your feelings. Hopefully.<br><br>
gerlassie
 
1 - 20 of 38 Posts
Top