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Why won't he even discuss names with me?

470 Views 14 Replies 14 Participants Last post by  junipermuse
So I'll be 21 weeks tomorrow, and dh absolutely refuses to discuss baby names with me. If I suggest anything he immediately says he hates it. He refuses to come up with even one name that he himself likes. Not even one. Some days if I try to suggest something he just gets angry and says he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm feeling a really strong desire to have a working list of names so that I can see how I feel about them fitting with my sense of the baby as I get to know him growing inside me. I'd be fine not having a name totally picked out when he comes, I just want to narrow it down a bit. I really tried not to discuss it too much with him at all in the beginning. I figured he was just trying to be cautious about getting too attached to the baby early on since I had a miscarriage at almost 7 weeks right before this pregnancy. And then I figured that he didn't want to waste a lot of energy picking a name before we knew what we were having. But now we know it's a boy and we're pretty far into the pregnancy and he still won't talk about it. And I feel so frustrated. I want so badly to talk about names with him, it's a really fun part of being pregnant for me, and I feel like he's stealing my joy. Also it's so frustrating that he can find something negative to say about every single name. He says he doesn't like Beckett because it's the name of a baseball card pricing book(?) or something like that. I'm not even sure why that makes it a bad name. He likes baseball and baseball cards. It's not like it has a negative connotation. Same thing with Avery. He says he doesn't like it because it's the name of a company that makes labels. He doesn't like Dashiell because he thinks it sounds like Dachshund. The both start with "D" and have two syllables, that's where the similarity ends as far as I'm concerned. He has all these stupid ridiculous rules too. Like we can't have any names that start with "M" or "J" because those are our first initials and since dd already has a "J" name he doesn't want any body to think we're trying to keep everyone's initials the same on purpose. I mean really? Who cares? At this point in my pregnancy with dd we pretty much had a name picked out, so that also makes it harder for me to understand why he's being this way this time. I've told him that it really bothers me that he shoots down my name ideas, but doesn't make any suggestions of his own. He says he doesn't want to waste what little free time he has going through name books. He says we still have plenty of time, which is true, I don't need to have "the" name picked out, but I would like to feel like we're making a start. Getting a list together at least. Or if he would just give me a couple names he liked so I have an idea of the style he likes I could search out names with a similar style. But he claims he doesn't LIKE any names. I understand not having found a name you LOVE, but you don't LIKE a single name. If he doesn't like any names, then why should I bother trying to find one he does like. Why can't I just pick a name I love. He is obviously not into names the way I am, so why can't I just pick the name by myself? I just feel like I'm d***ed if I do, and d***ed if I don't with him. I just feel like he's going to play this game until the baby comes and then we'll settle for some name that neither of us loves because we're just desperate to call the baby something other than "hey you." It's not even fun thinking of names alone or with other people because I know that if I start liking a name my husband will hate it. It honestly feels like he chooses to hate the most, the names I like the best. No point getting attached to anything. Anyway have I mentioned I'm frustrated
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sounds to me like there is something else going on here and he's using the names as a way at getting at you. Is he feeling a bit unloved? We know that men can get a little funny when we're pregnant and concentrating on the baby.

Hope you can sort it out and get naming (its one of my favourite bits too)

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Not in your ddc I hope it's ok if I reply...

Give him a bit of time. Tell him you understand that he may think it's too early for him to think about names and he can make up his own list and, when he is ready, share it with you. I understand your frustration, choosing a name is one of the best things in the pregnancy, but you still have lots of time to change your mind too. Sorry, I don't want to take anybody's side but in my case, I am the one who doesn't want to discuss names until much later on. My DH has already started making lists, but he will keep them to himself for another two months or so.
ddc crashing

the whole i dont like any of your names but cant think of any of my own is such a typical male thing - honestly.

can you explain to him that you really feel that name choosing is a big part of pregnancy for you and that it helps you mentally prepare. maybe you could arrange an evening in the future to think about it.

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My DH was like this for our first. Well, it sounds like he was a little nicer about it but the premise was the same. Every time we started talking names he would tell me he didn't like any of my ideas but when I told him to give me suggestions he always said Wolfgang. Which I knew he wasn't serious about it was just to annoy me and get me to stop.

After a while I put my list together and left it out. Eventually,he came around and we picked one from my list. I do think it was one of hte ones he shot down early on.

Sorry I don't have any great ideas but I do agree with PP that it is not an unusual behavior and I wanted you to not feel completely alone dealing with this.
Work on your own list for now. Then when he comes around, bring it our to the table.

My mother would say, make your own list and if he never wants to discuss names, then you name the baby.
My dh is/was the same way except he didn't like or dislike any names. And later in my pregnancy, he'd dislike every name. With dd, she is named a name he said was "an old lady name." Right after she was born, I asked dh what we should name her. He asked me what I wanted to name her and I told him one name he didn't like and he said okay. He told me later that he would have done anything after seeing the struggle to get the baby out. But I had a strong opinion on that name (she's named for my grandmother- who WAS an old lady). Now, I have no clue and he is sooo unhelpful!
At least it's not an uncommon man behavior. But that makes it no less frustrating.
my immediate feeling when I read this was that maybe he is not thrilled about being pregnant. Are things going okay with his job? Is he worried about being able to provide for a growing family? also, he may still be dealing with your recent loss and not able to articulate it at all. i agree that for now, share your joy with us women that are listening, and work on your own list. when he is ready he will come around.
My first feeling was that maybe he is unhappy it is a boy? Hang in there mama. I get frustrated enough when dh just nods and smiles when I talk 24 hours a day about the baby. At least he is faking it. Men.
We have the same situation, except I'M the one unwilling to pick names. My DH is ALWAYS making suggestions that I shoot down and I rarely offer replacements. I recently told him there's a good chance this baby will be born without a name, and I think he nearly had a heart attack.

I'm hesitant to pick a name at this stage because even at 22 weeks (tomorrow), I'm still so concerned about having another loss. Maybe your guy is still really struggling with that? Thinking of deciding on a name makes this baby so real, and it really is torture for me to even bounce names around (though I do try from time to time).

I know name picking is fun for you, so by all means, keep it up. Use a website like that will store the names you love and give you variations of your favorites that your guy dislikes. Maybe having a list to click through and reject will seem less personal to you, and maybe having a fun bit of technology to help him along will motivate him.

Worst case scenario -- if he doesn't get on board before birth happens, at least you'll have a list of your top names to choose from, and it will just be him who has to settle.
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I'm sorry you're having this problem right now. I'm thinking he must have something else going on too. Just keep making a list and you can run them by him when he seems ready.

I'm the one in our relationship having issues looking at names. My dh spent all weekend making name lists and I just shoot most of them down. I hate naming boys and yet that's what I keep having!
my dh refuses to pick a name/discuss names before the baby is born. with this being our 3rd I've just kinda given up on it
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I'm with Anne, my dh won't discuss names with me either... being #4 and not knowing Gender.... He says to me the other day - bring him a list and he'll narrow it down.... I said what list the 300+ names I printed off the internet 8 yrs ago? He says Oh I thought you had a list already. Well yes, dear we've had a list of 10 names at the start of each pregnancy (except this one!) and narrowed it down to 2 boys 2 girls by THIS POINT with them.

I asked him last night, what the heck he was waiting for ... he said the baby's arrival. I told him that wasn't good enough.

I swear it seriously is a man thing, but at the same time, I also think that if he is shooting down all your names there is more going on...
Ditto what the others have said.

My dh was like this with our first one. I finally made my list and said- ok narrow it down and lets decide together. My first list was large- so luckily he picked two.

Good luck and hugs!
Thanks for all the replies. I do think that something else is probably going on. We moved last July and we are dealing with a lot of stress over money because we're having trouble renting out our house in Los Angeles. He also has had to work a lot so he is exhausted. I do think he could be having anxiety about another loss. And maybe for me I want a name now for the same reason he doesn't. I'm already attached to this baby so I want a name for him now. If I lose him I want to be able to mourn him the same way some one would for a child that's already been born (should something tragic happen). But for him it isn't as real and maybe not naming the baby keeps it that way. I don't think he's upset about the baby being a boy though. He insisted all along that the baby was going to be a boy, even before I was pregnant. I think it is probably more about the stress of adding another baby to the family financially and maybe fear of more loss. I do just need to start making a list and then not show it to him until he's ready to talk about it. I wish he could at least tell me though when he thinks he'll be ready to discuss it. Like in the eighth month, maybe. I think it would be easier to wait if I knew how long or what exactly I was waiting for.
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