[RedWine]

I am trying, trying, trying....

I was raised by authoritarian parents, the "because I said so!" type. My dad screamed at me when he was angry, and I was spanked (not often, probably just as much as most kids in the USA...

).

I want so so so badly to do GD with my own kids. In general, I think I repect my child very much and show her that I think she's a cool person, and I try to create a "yes" environment. However, there are times when she pushes all my buttons, and, in the moment, even as I am thinking about trying to use GD , I end up screaming sometimes -- just as my father did with me. I HATE how my father treated me. I do NOT want that for my own kids! So then I apologize, which probably just confuses my daughter. This is all over stuff that is typical for 2 1/2 year olds. I realize it is ME who has the problem.

I sometimes feel completely hopeless, and that I will NEVER be able to break the generational chain. I want to parent differently. I am reading many books, I am trying so very hard. But there are times I lose it, and I hate myself.

Please, please tell me of some of your success stories. Has anyone out there been able to break the cycle? Meaning, anyone out there been able to stifle your own urges (because they stem from how you were raised) and practice GD on a regular, consistent basis? Please tell me there is hope for me. Sometimes I am a complete and utter failure.

 

[Mothernature]

Hugs to you. Stop beating yourself up for one. It's not confusing to her if you can admit you were wrong. It actually helps her learn how to apologize. You might also add how you might have handled it different. Ask her what she thinks you should have done. I know she's little, but sometimes they really surprise us.

It's really hard to overcome a tough childhood, but if we are dedicated to it and really stick with it we can. Everyone makes mistakes. It's what you do about them that makes the difference.

One of the books that really helped me was Positive Dicipline. Also, in my case, Raising your Spirited Child. Even if your child isn't spirited she gives some valuable suggestions.

In the mean time, get some support. Find a group of like-minded mothers (like here at MDC) to talk with so you can let off steam before you blow your stack. I also do better when I know I'm being watched. So, sometimes if I'm short on patience I'll go for a walk or take the kiddos to the park or something. That way I have to be on my best behavior.

 

[famousmockngbrd]

I think it depends on what your definition of "success" is. I know where you are coming from - I was raised by my mother and my grandparents. My grandmother was totally authoritarian. My mom was very permissive, when she was around (she worked and liked to go out a lot.) My grandfather just tried to stay out of it.

So I had all kinds of role models, lol. I have to work at keeping my cool a lot, too.

Being mindful of the tendency to yell is a huge part of the battle. You don't want to yell, so you probably *don't* more often than you do. Success doesn't equal perfect. Nobody is Mother Teresa, here. Mother Teresa didn't have kids, remember.

I wish I had a magic formula for endless reserves of patience, but I don't. I admit, sometimes DS gets on my last nerve. When that happens, I try to give us both a break at the earliest opportunity. Put in a video, take a bath - I know this can be hard to accomplish. Do something low stress you both enjoy, like eat some ice cream.

Something else that helps me is when I feel like yelling, do the opposite - speak very quietly and calmly. When I yell, I feel out of control. I may be speaking quietly through clenched teeth but I still feel like I have a handle on the situation, in some weird way. But, sometimes I yell.

I'm only human. At least I don't do it ten times a day over stupid little power struggles, like my grandmother did. (At least I don't think I do)

 

[famousmockngbrd]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mothernature I also do better when I know I'm being watched. So, sometimes if I'm short on patience I'll go for a walk or take the kiddos to the park or something. That way I have to be on my best behavior.

This doesn't work for me, personally. It can be good to let the kids run around and blow off steam, but we're both having "one of those days", I hesitate to put DS in a situation where he might act up, i.e. not play nicely with the other kids, etc. I am the opposite, I think I have *more* patience when I am not being watched - sometimes when I have an audience I feel like people might be critical of me or DS if he's not being a perfect angel, and if I'm having a bad day I might overreact. That's just me, though - different people have different ways of dealing with things, and what works for one may not for someone else.

 

[RedWine]

Thank you, Ladies. You are all very kind.

I will try to speak quietly (even through clenched teeth, if need be), thanks mocking bird. And thanks also, Mothernature, for your post. I don't feel as much a monster now. Though I do still feel pissed off at myself for yelling, I would hate for my daughter to have the same memories of me as I do my father.

 

[megincl]

Don't know if this is exactly what you are looking for, but a few weeks ago when pretty much everything DS did seemed "wrong" and like he needed constant redirection, which stretched me way past the proverbial edge, DP and I began to do a lot of reading on developmental stuff. Reading things like, you can't expect a 2yo to remember anything you've told them. EVER. Or about how the 2-3 year stretch is all about exploring and developing autonomy, while at the same time these little ones are being totally ruled by impulses.

Being able to see DS through these lenses helped me to make sense of how he is sometimes and even helped me see some humor in it. Now if I feel like I'm asking him to do something again for the 100th time, or reminding him for the 10th time in 1 minute not to hang off his seat at the table, I remember the tidbits I read. Doesn't always help, but somehow this developmental knowledge has helped to give me perspective and to bring a bit of calm when I feel that edge nearing.....

be well,
megin

 

[RedWine]

Thanks, Megin. That IS helpful. It's just bizarre to me that they don't remember -- I mean, dd is smart, knows how to count, is actually beginning to sound out words, etc...so it strikes me as odd that she can't remember not to pull the cat's tail, ykwim?

I'm not saying that I think you're wrong -- I agree with you, and I'll try to remember this more often in the future. I just keep seeing her as the little girl she's rapidly becoming, and not the toddler she used to be, so I forget just how little she still is.

 

[megincl]

Yep. I TOTALLY understand what you're saying. And I definitely don't think that there's no remembering, because Quinn sure can remember so very much, including the most random, small details of things. But, I think there must be some difference between things that are probably done more as an impulse and remembering not to do them and remembering other more "regular" parts of life. Or maybe it's not that (I am, after all, no developmentalist). And, I do think that they do remember things, even things they don't want to. It's just that something else takes over. So then the reminding comes into play. What complex little wonders they are, no?

megin

 

[RedWine]

Yes, it's the impulse part that I must make more of an effort to understand.

Strange, because for the most part, dd is fairly easy going. There is just one time of day -- naptime -- that totally wears me down (it's the subject of another thread). Naptime is when I'm prone to yelling. I think that a major part of the problem is that I'm also very tired at this time of day (and looking for a break) so I am less likely to be calm and take into consideration the impulse factor. So she's tired and prone to impulses I wish she didn't have, and I'm tired and less likely to parent the way I'd like.

(Thanks again).

 

[whatever]

I hear you, and I have the same problem.

My son is 5.5 and I find myself shouting at him a lot by my standards-I would prefer not to shout at all, so any shouting makes me a 'bad mom'. I have way more compassion for other people than I do for myself.

I was raised in an abusive screaming shouting environment, and one of the things I found hard to do was to be present for my kid-I still do. It wears me down, since I am used to 'zoning out' when I get stressed. I had to have counseling to help with that.

I think that saying sorry to your kid is okay...it doesn't mean that you backed down. I always say 'I'm sorry for shouting, but that doesn't mean that you can do xyz.

Take care and god bless.