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I have been with my partner for just about 2.5 years. I got pregnant a month after we met(planned)because, well, we were nuts. Then I got pregnant with our 2nd son when our 1st son was 7 months old. He had 2 kids from his previous marriage(SD, 8 and SS, 4) and I had my son from mine(DS,5).<br>
So, if you are keeping track, together we have- SD(8), DS(5), SS(4), DS(20months),DS(4 months).<br><br>
It was HARD at first- like harder than I could ever explain. I thought about leaving more times than I could tell you without feeling ashamed.<br><br>
I really had to focus on loving these children and that was very hard for me. I will not ever love them like I do children I birthed from me but have found my place with them and have a special relationship with both my step-son and step-daughter. We don't refer to each other as step anything- I just use that to explain to the outside world. They refer to each other as brothers and sister.<br><br>
Anyhow, was just trying to give you the details of our family because I have a question that I am hoping others with experience, can help with.<br><br>
Even after all this time I STILL feel like my stepdaughter feels as if she needs to compete with me for her dad's attention. I have changed a LOT of my behavior and even taken some suggestions from this forum to help with this.<br><br>
-I have encouraged and suggested one-on-one time with my SD and her dad, even scooting them out the door to do so.<br>
-When SD gets jealous when I hug her dad, which still happens EVERYTIME, and she comes over to hug her dad at the same time, I encourage this and don't push her away.(I used to get upset but have since gotten over it)<br>
-I have welcomed comments/questions about the divorce and what my role is.<br>
-I have worked on establishing a relationship with my SD- participating in like interests together, inquiring and spending time listening about the things she loves, including her in daily activities when she is here.<br><br>
On the other hand, it always feels like no matter WHAT I do, it's not enough with her. If I have a "date day" with her and then one with one of the boys, even if we just had one or her and her dad just had one, she throws a fit that she is not getting one again. I have explained to her that EVERYONE in our family needs alone time with each other and other people in our family get this too.<br><br>
Yet, she still is constantly competing- making little remarks to try to make me jealous, trying to exclude me from situations, being just nasty.<br><br>
While I have consequences for our kids(all of them) for nasty remarks or behavior, hers doesn't seem to be changing.<br><br>
What else can I be doing??
 

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my DSD is 8 as well but has little of the same problems as yours. But from the perspective of a parent of an 8yo I would say you need to put your foot down a bit. Yes its important for her to spend time with her dad, yes its important for you and her to build your relationship but she's old enough to realize its not all about her all the time. At 8 its hard to see that the world isn't all about you and i feel like this is just as much typical 8yo behavior as it is a blended issue. your DH should stand up for you and needs to talk to his DD about her behavior. As long as she is getting that quality alone time you two are entitled to it too. Recognize her feelings, mirror them back to her but that doesn't mean you have to do whatever she says or put up with a tantrum every time you want to hug your partner.
 

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DSD still competes with me and it has been over 4 years. She is 7.<br><br>
How does you DP handle things? What is he doing about the situation? He needs to be involved in the situation, too.
 

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I was a step daughter so I come to this forum often, but I just want to say that my 8 year old daughter will run over and jump into a hug if DH and I (her parents) hug. She wants to be in the middle and doesn't want to be left out. Could that part of it be unrelated to the step-relationship and jealousy, perhaps?
 

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maybe its the age? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br>
My 8 year old SD competes with <b>everyone</b> for her dad's attention. She gets mad if he doesn't stop what he's doing and pay attention to her. Doesn't matter if it's me, my son, the baby, another adult.....She wants to be the center of attention and constantly interrupts, pouts, steps between dad and the other person...whatever she can do to get his attention. It's very frustrating! DH doesn't correct her and I find myself being the one telling her "just a minute, Daddy's talking" (or whatever) I know it's not the best way but if I dont, he lets her do it. (ftr, i do the same with my son when he interrupts too)<br>
It's been over 3 years now...i just don't know...
 

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I've been here for 9 years now, since DSD was 7, and now she is 16. She's been living here for almost 2 years. I have been here for fun, one-on-one, the appointments, the homework, the projects, the driving, the first job interview, the "pierce my ears hold my hand", everything. And she STILL gets the look, or her face goes rigid on occasion when her dad shares affection with me (I don't mean making out in front of her, I mean discussing a date night, or sharing a hug).<br><br>
What's improved? She tolerates it, and almost never comments on it (I think she recognizes now that she is jealous without a reason, and that she is loved).<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>nicoolmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14756833"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">On the other hand, it always feels like no matter WHAT I do, it's not enough with her.</div>
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That's the general idea of step-parenting <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I know it's hard, but there are no short-cuts. Will it get better? YES! Our worst times were when she was 9-11. I think she felt like the whole world was crumbling around her, and I was the cause. Hang in there, and keep doing what you are doing. I think it might be because she began to understand that her parents are not getting back together, and the fact that I was moving in and building life with her dad was crazy scary to her developing mind.<br><br>
The funny thing? She tells her dad he wants to spend too much quality time with her, and that he's too involved. I can tell though, if all their trips to the local cafe for "father-daughter" time were gone, she'd miss it terribly, AND would be grumpy if I stepped in that time.
 

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something I do with my DSD is, and I know people probably won't agree but, if she tries to step between myself and DP, I jokingly push her away and tell her it's my time. at first, I was having issues with it, and I meant it. now, she likes the game. if we are sitting on the couch, and she tries to crawl between us, I move her to one side or the other. I do not allow her to come between us. if I lean over to kiss him, she and my DD both yell "don't kiss my daddy!" then it becomes another game. I do it, they don't want me to. if they try to kiss him, I put my hand over their mouths and tell them not to kiss my daddy. it becomes one big game, and usually he's the one that makes it stop. I have also had conversations with her about daddy love and girlfriend love. I explained that she loves her daddy and her daddy loves her in a different way than they love me. once she could work that out in her mind, the way she loves her daddy compared to the way she loves me, she realized that he can love all of us, but each of us are different and he loves us for different reasons. also, any time she feels left out, I make it a point to hug her, kiss her cheek, tell her I love her. even with the other two kids in the house, sometimes she just needs some loving like anyone else. we are close now. I've been with her father for over four years, and she was only two when we started seeing each other. sometimes I feel like I'm in the minority, because I love her like I love my own, and I would be devastated if I had to hand her over to her mom after having her with me for more than four years.
 
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