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Will Someone slap me in the face...(x-posted)

621 Views 8 Replies 9 Participants Last post by  ber
and remind me *I* am the parent and NOT DS? He is in this "boss Mommy" around stage and I don't know what to do about it.

I spend lots of *totally focused on HIM" time but he continues to pull my hand into his playroom and TELL me to "sit down" while he continues playing.

Yesterday, he did this...he said "sit down Mommy" and I instantly complied...without hesitation. And then I thought, "wait a minute, did he just tell me to sit down and I just said 'okay'? Slap me please.

And if I move, he has a FIT! So, I sit down again. I get up, he has a FIT! DH just looks at me and shakes his head. He has ZERO problems with DS. In fact, DS will ONLY take authority from DH.

DH says I am *teaching* DS he can treat me this way...boss Mommy around. DS contradicts me when I correct him. He will say "car" and I will say "No, that is not a car, that is a truck" and he will say "No, it is a car"

In comes DH..."DS, that is a truck" DS replies "Okay, truck!"

What is going on here? He has no respect for my authority. I am a full time working mommy, BUT, I give this child 100% my Emotional Being when I am home. I make sure his needs are met, he has a Nutritional Balanced Diet, I play with him, I read to him, I bathe him, I make sure he has fresh clean clothes. Why can't he respect my authority?

Could it be that DH is the Primary Caregiver?

What's going on here?
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You sound frustrated! I have a couple of comments. First, it is not unusual for parents to have roles in which one is seen as primarily the "authoritarian" and the other is seen as primarily the "nurturer" - even though both parents do a little of both. (Some may jokingly call that the 'good cop' 'bad cop' routine
) I think it is wonderful that your son is confident enough in your love to 'order you around'. That shows a lot of security!

One thing I've done with my 3 year old is to do role playing games. I'll let her be "the mommy" and I will be her. It is actually quite enlightening! It's amazing to see her doing an impression of me - sometimes it is not so flattering, I'm afraid.
Maybe you could set some time aside for your son where he is "allowed" to be the boss. Then he can channel his bossiness toward you during that limited time period, but other than that, you continue being sort of a 'benevolent dictator'. I definitely suggest you incorporate humor whenever possible as you and he navigate this transition.

Good luck to you.
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Ok, the short answer - he is 2! That is it - lol. Seriously, it sounds like you are doing a great job. He feels so safe with you and that is why he does that. He wants you with him and wants you to see everything that he does, yet he is also testing his limits and his new found arguing skills. I remember when my now 6 year old was that age. If we were outside and I said it was a pretty, sunny day, he would say, no, it's raining - lol. He grew out of it in a few months. I'm sure your son will too.
My 2.5 year old does it, too.
Same exact thing.
I sometimes tell him that being bossy is kinda rude. I figure eventually he'll have the cognative abilities to grasp what that means.
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We do not slap people in the face. We are gentle and kind. We use words to tell people what we think.

When your son bosses you, quickly think whether you want to do what he's telling you to do. If so, say, "I'd like to sit here with you, but I don't like the way you said that. Please tell me in a nice voice, like this: 'Mommy, I want you to sit here.'" If not, say, "I don't want to sit on the floor. I am going to sit in this chair." and do it. Try to use a firm but pleasant voice, not an angry or whining or tentative voice.

Being the parent doesn't mean you NEVER "take orders" from your child. He can still respect you if you sometimes do exactly as he wishes. I like the idea of playing a game in which you do what he tells you.

I spend lots of *totally focused on HIM" time
Could that be your problem? Here's an interesting article about how a child-centered environment may be the last thing a child really needs. Does your husband also spend lots of time totally focused on your son, or does he tend to be busy with his own activities and focus on him more briefly? It's something to think about, anyway.

I agree that you are "teaching" him to treat you this way by accepting it, that he doesn't respect your authority because you're not showing authority. But that doesn't mean you need to jump up and start ordering HIM around and thinking of yourself as "boss". Instead, think about cooperating with him so that you both get what you really need and some of the things you want.
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My ds does the same thing, but I've honestly never thought of it as him bossing me around. It really never occurred to me. He's 26m and is just starting to put 2-3 words together... he'll grab my arm and say c'mon, and I just see it as he wants to show me something or wants to play with me. Sometimes I have to say in a minute and he gets upset, but he also gets upset when he's not allowed to play with the scissors. I see it as just being a 2 year old. He says "chair Mommy" when he wants me to sit in my chair...pats the floor when he wants me to sit on the floor, etc... I don't see it as him bossing me around, he is conveying to me that he would like for me to sit in my chair or on the floor or come to his room, etc. And like a 2yo, he gets upset when he doesn't get his way. I tell him I will do x in a few minutes, mommy needs to finish y. Then when I'm done I follow through and go sit with him or whatever he needs if it's appropriate....

It is funny though, b/c he'll drag my dh to his room to fix the train track and then tell dh to 'get out' of his room... dh and I gigle over this and have never seen it as anything other than our son expressing his wants and needs. He doesn't have the full vocabulary right now to say Mommy will you please sit down and play with me. He can sign and say please, but it's not incorporated into every request yet, mostly num nums please mommy...

Anyway just my 2 cents
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My ds is super bossy these days, too. It's so irritating! It's worse when he's tired or hungry. Sometimes I do what he asks, other times I just can't (e.g. carry him around, bf for >20-30 min). I do explain why I won't comply with his wishes, but this can be frustrating since he'll just continue to make demands without seeming to have heard anything I said. Eventually I just ignore him. So here's prayers for all of us that this is a growth stage and will pass!
I think it's a developmental thing - they're becoming more autonomous by the second, & they want to try it out (like the saying "no" to everything
). I bet in a few weeks, it'll just be a memory
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