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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have a 3 year old ds.<br>
'Nuf said?<br><br>
I feel like all I do is threaten, punish, say "no!", or "stop that!"<br>
Will it ever stop? When he's older and looks back to his childhood, will al he remember is his raving mom yelling at him?<br>
I'm so sad about all this. I just don't know what to do anymore. I admit, I'm a yeller. I don't want to be, and I start each day telling myself that I will not yell, threaten with time outs or anything. But as the day wears on, so does my son. Is it just because he's 3? How do I be a better parent? I'm just so frustrated. I started to cry yesterday because I'm so frustrated about this. DS actually came up to me and told me "Here mommy. I kiss you and you all better now. You all better now?" As he was hugging and kissing me.<br>
Guilt, guilt guilt.<br>
I don't really know what I'm asking for here. Anything?
 

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How much do you remember about being 3? Chances are your mother did the same thing to some degree. So I would really stop worrying about that. Honest.<br><br>
I think most of childhood and especially toddlerhood is about testing limits. That's why it's important to be a parent to your child first and then a friend. They look to you for guidance and to keep them out of harms way. Unfortunately it can require a lot of "no's" at times.<br><br>
For your own sanity perhaps you can develop some time or a space or room or backyard where you just let him go for 20-30 minutes not worry about what he gets into. I don't mean leave him alone but give him an outlet for this energy where if you have to hose him down afterwards, so be it. Get down there with him and have fun. This way you've carved out a space where you aren't policeman but accomplice for a period of time and can not feel so bad or get so frustrated for the times that you have to be parent/policeman.<br><br>
I also find I tend to resort to yelling b/c I'm trying to do something else and am hoping dd will just play by herself when she's actually getting into things to get my attention. So if I tell myself, the dishes will wait and focus on dd then I tend to not be yelling and she's not doing anything I have to say no to. It's a precarious balancing act at times.
 

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Jennifer, I'm right there with you. I was yelled at a lot by my father when I was very small, so my instinct (which I'm constantly fighting) is to yell. I have made a lot of progress though -- I meditate at night, after my toddler's bedtime. I'm reading Playful Parenting. I often lurk in the Gentle Discipline Forum. Etc.<br><br>
I do find that when I refrain from yelling and speak in a quiet voice, dd usually responds in a very positive way.<br><br>
Just take it one day at a time. You can change, but it will not happen overnight. Some days I'm proud of myself, other days I feel like a failure as a mom. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
Also, I find that being hard on myself does not help. If I have a relaxed attitude toward myself (if I lighten up), then I also end up having a more relaxed attitude with my kids.
 

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Jennifer, I am right there with ya! DD is 28 months old and I feel the same way the past 2 weeks. I feel like all I do is yell (I too, get frustrated and can't help but yell), tell her no, battle with her over getting dressed, leaving the house, naptime, bedtime..<br><br>
I broke down with DH last night and cried. I realized, after talking to him, that alot of it is me. Not her. Yes, she is testing me and trying me more, but it really is not bad behavior. It is independence and just 'DIFFERENT' behavior from her than I am used to. And a bit more challenging, but not bad. So by the days end, my patience (which I have none of to start with) and nerves are shot!<br><br>
I am working on not yelling, just talking to her in a low voice over and over and over again. I am trying and praying for the strength to get through this stage!<br><br>
Hugs!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">: I could have written the op too. I grew up with my dad yelling non-stop and I so don't want things to be that way for my ds.....I just said to dh, probably 2 days ago, (jokingly) "I gotta get a hold of this before he starts to remember these things..."<br>
The worse is afterwards when he comes to me and says in his sweet little boy way, "sowwy ma, sowwy ma...." I feel about <span style="font-size:xx-small;">this</span> big, so I kwym.<br>
Work at it a day at a time & try not to feel guilty about it (I know it's easy to say that), youve recognized it and are making an effort to change, and that really says a lot. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Wow! Thank ya'll so much for the moral support. I truly need it. And you're right about remembering things from when I was 3. I do remember some bad things, but they were really bad (not a normal punishment type thing...more under the humiliation type...).<br>
I probably will try to get him outside more so he can run wild. It just gets so hot here <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> ...Oh well, I can suffer a little sweat for him. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br>
I guess another part of my "guilt" is from my mom. She tells me how short my fuse is with him, and then tries to make it up to him for my lack of parenting skills. Really ticks me off, actually. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"><br>
Anyway-thanks for letting me vent and know that I'm not alone!
 

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Come visit us in the Gentle Discipline board! There are so many good ideas and support for the hard times!
 

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I find that I have a harder time staying calm and not yelling, etc if I am stressed out, tired, etc. Consider trying to carve some time off for just you, either by having your DH agree to handle him for 1 hour in the morning or evening or even thinking about maybe sending him to a preschool a couple days a week if you can afford it. For me, having a little time to myself to regroup makes all the difference in how I handle DD at other times.<br><br>
Another thought is to look at the behaviors that trigger you the most and try to find creative solutions to eliminate the problem before it starts. If DS is always getting into something in pariticular, put a lock on that cabinet, etc. It sounds simple, but I think as kids get older we expect that they should be able to control themselves more and sometimes they just aren't up for it yet.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> My DD is only 1, but I worry about this when she's older, b/c I have lots of vivid memories of my parents yelling at me as a toddler, starting as young as 2. If I find myself getting frustrated w/ her, I try to step back and imagine what I would say to a friend who was having this problem--or someone who posted the problem at MDC. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> It always makes it easier if I can think to myself, "Well, this is what I'd advise someone if they told me about this situation," instead of "What should *I* be doing?" I hope I'm making sense... Good luck. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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Hey mamas,<br><br>
I know exactly how you all feel. I have really lost it on ds a few times. I don't hit (that has actually never occured to me), but I can yell. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">: I am always so ashamed and feel as if I am hurting his little soul when I do it. I literally feel like I can't control it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead"> Some days, or weeks, are better than others. I try to take it one day at a time and breathe a lot. We live on a farm at the end of a dead-end road, so ds has a lot of freedom to run without me being right on top of him. That helps, because "no" gets as boring to say as it does to hear.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"> to alll of us struggling to emulate the positive aspects of our childhoods and leave the negative behond.<br><br>
By the way, thank you all for voicing your stories. I was feeling incredibly alone in this. Knowing others deal with this makes me feel more sane, and better able to try to change. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><br><br>
Cheers!<br><br>
April - dh <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/luxlove.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="throb"> and <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/knit.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="knit"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/flower.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="flower"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/sewmachine.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="sew"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/cd.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Cd">: mama to ds <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> b.12/30/03 Kazakhstan<br>
waiting for a referral for a baby girl from Kaz <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/jumpers.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="jumpers">:
 

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I was coming here to look for some answers to the exact same thing you have posted about. I could have written your post. And yes, some days I have cried too. It's good to know that I'm not the only one struggling with these things.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I know exactly what you mean about coming here and finding a post just like you were going to write. It happens to me all the time. It's such a relief to know that I'm not alone with whatever I'm having a crisis about. :LOL
 

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He's only 3. You have lots of time to work at your yelling and start apologizing when you slip up. But I would change. If it feels to you like all you are doing is reprimanding him, I'd assume he feels the same way. My father was like this throughout my life. He was nice plenty of times too, but honestly those memories are eclipsed by the negativity. To this day I don't feel comfortable talking with him. He is just connected with so many uncomfortable emotions of being harshly judged and critiqued. Please do work at improving things and he probably won't remember any of what you don't want him to remember!
 
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