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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is my question to myself, and I suspect dh. I miscarried last March and was afraid to try again for a while, then we had some other issues come up. Now that things are settled I am wanting to TTC again. We are both 35 years old, our kids are 4 years and 4 mos. apart, which has actually worked out really well.
Our kids have never been easy (are any of them?) both have allergies and ds is still plagued with them and has asthma too. He is anaphalactic to milk and very allergic to nuts, peanuts, chocolate and egg.
Emily has issues in school with focusing and isn't doing well. I know my two need my attention and a 3rd would take some of that away, but would it really be 'so' much? A friend of mine said her 3rd really put her over the edge, that is was really hard.
The biggest thing is the allergies. Ds was so allergic I had to do this austere diet while breastfeeding for 2.5 years and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done (no gluten, soy, nuts, peanuts, egg or dairy).
Sometimes I think I must be nuts to want another.
 

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Having three kids has been really hard for me. A baby or a toddler takes so much of my time and energy. It's hard to do things with an older child when a younger one hates the car, wants to be held all the time, etc. My oldest struggles a bit with school--makes decent grades, excels at some things, but finds other things a challenge. (My middle child does great at school--thank goodness, or I'd be crazy by now!) I am glad that my youngest is old enough (she just turned 4) that I will be more able to focus on my oldest as he starts middle school.

From your post, I know you probably realize this already, but it doesn't get easier as kids get older; their needs just change. Parenting is still challenging even though they're potty trained and out of car seats! Every family situation is different, and it's tough to figure out whether another child will take "too much" from the ones you already have.
 

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I have 3 boys, and my mom kept telling me after 2 that 3 was horrible, mind you I was her third :LOL ! But my third child was actually my easiest. I was such a more relaxed mother by then, and ds3 was just sucha laid back baby. What is harder is getting out of the car with three and convincing my parents to watch them so dh and I can go out! I had a miscarriage 3 months ago, a pregnancy we were not planning, I thought I was done at 3! Mind you we are now ttc a fourth, so maybe I'm a bit crazy! Are you homeschooling or do your children go to school. My 6 year old goes to kindergarten, so I do most of my shopping and errand while he's there. You get really creative with timeing of when you do things like that! Hope that helped.
 

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There's no way of knowing, because you can't possibly know who that third is without meeting him/her!

My 3rd was an easy-going, calm baby that took everything in stride. Now, at going-on-5, I can still say honestly that bringing her into our family not only didn't make it (much) harder with the older two, but that her presence is a positive influence; she's so loving and affectionate that she really gives me a reality check on those tough days.

There was no rivalry, maybe because the older two had eachother. Her entrance into our family was a smooth, calm transition.
 

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I'm expecting #3, and hoping for a 4th. But, I really can't answer you. I've known people who say three is just way too many for them...and I've known people who say that three is just another number and that the second was the hardest (eg. getting used there being more than one in the first place).

My second is 10 years younger than my first, so I don't even really count.

I don't even know why I posted...except to say good luck with whatever decision you reach. This can't be easy.
 

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I have three. And I bow to Chava
. We are hoping to have either four or five, but trying to take our time/evaluate the needs of our children and family. One of my very good friends told me this advice: when you're going on "three", lighten your schedule, give yourself six months or a year even to get back to where you were in organization. She specifically said for the first 3 months. So, if your kids are in school/being homeschooled, maybe try to be pregnant so the baby is due in the summer so you can just hang out. Some people time their third so they're a LOT after the first two. I'd say, yes, they don't get easier, but the intense needs of toddlerhood/preschoolers with your constant attention, etc. do get easier, IME. My third has been "average", i.e., I had to eliminate dairy when I was nursing, but his personality has been wonderful. He's more curious and has less fear than my girls, so we'll see what 2 is like ...

Also, don't forget that your children give each other attention. It's not the same as "mothering" or "fathering" attention, but it is definitely attention. Not always "positive", but with my kids anyway, it seems more positive than negative.
 

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I am now pregnant with #4...my oldest is 14, my next is 11 and baby is almost 2...it does stretch me rather thin...my oldest is doing miserably at school and requires mega attention..is living at her aunts in another town, my 11 year old has a learning disablitity...my 2 year old is pretty easy going, we will see with the baby..I am concerned but I think there is more to be gained from antoher child than lost...they are such a blessing.

Oh and my DH is a long distance truck driver so I am on my own 85% of the time.

But only you can decide what you can handle...it's a very personal decision...I have just decided this is my life for now...I will deal, the children will all turn otu great and be worth all the work and sacrifice
 

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I have to ditto what Bekka said about about the children giving each other attention. With our first, I was always having to entertain him. With each subsequent, they have entertained each other alot, and the older boys take a huge delight in being able to entertain our 18 month old. The three of them play together constantly, and I love it! My little guy absolutely adores his big bros! Yes, they fight occasionally, but in general they play well together. Good luck, it is always a hard decision to add one more to the family dynamics.
 

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My children are boy, girl, girl (now aged 11, 7 and 4), and the girls actually do play together and keep each other occupied lots of the time. I didn't have the third hoping for a girl with that in mind (dh and I just really wanted a third child), but that part of it has worked out well for us. Having three still isn't easy, but it probably would be tougher if the third had been a boy.

What hasn't worked out well is that my oldest has ZERO patience with my youngest. I can sympathize, because my youngest is strong-willed and hard to deal with at times, but it's a dynamic I didn't anticipate. (My oldest and youngest are very similar in personality. Isn't it true that it's sometimes the people who are most like you that drive you the craziest?) I thought that with several years between them, the relationship between the oldest and youngest wouldn't be so stressful.

Again, every family dynamic is different, and you don't know how it'll work for you until the third comes along!
 

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I can't speak for you, only you know for sure what that answer is in your heart. For me, yes 3 would have sent us over the edge. We have two wonderful dd's and have our hands full with them. One is high needs but thankfully getting better with time. The other is actually pretty mellow in nature but she has some big medical issues that take up a lot of time. I am homeschooling, and somewhere in there I try to squeeze out some time for myself. I just cannot imagine how we could manage a third since I am so tired at the end of the day with 2. Maybe in 5-10 years we might adopt but no more pregnancies. My second one required bedrest and labor-stopping drugs from 23 weeks on.

I am one of those people who tries to do things *well* or I don't do them at all. I know that I could love three kids and provide their most basic needs, but I'm not sure I could raise them *well* with all their issues. And who knows what issues the third might have? It might have been premature like my second threatened to be. I am not prepared to deal with that now or ever. You just never know what life will bring you. I thought things would be great when dd2 was born, that all my bedrest and worries would be over. Nope, it just got worse with her health issues.
 

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my 2nd put me over the edge, but the 3rd and 4th were not hard. The good thing about 3 is that it will always diffuse any competitive or comparative dynamic (like "x" is the smart one, "y" is the stupid one, etc.) between them. I recommend 1 or 3 or more, but never 2. JMO, of course.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
<<Nope, it just got worse with her health issues>>

Sometimes I think "If I could just know that I would be able to breastfeed and eat whatever I wanted to while doing it, then it wouldn't be as hard as ds" I prayed and prayed for #2 to not have allergies, and he has MORE and more severe than my dd did, plus asthma, ugh. But, dd had reflux and ds didn't. So, I can understand the health issues, they are draining and expensive and heartbreaking. Both mine were full term too and I did everytihng possible to avoid them having allergies, but genetics won that one.

Meowee...interesting about the 1 or 3 but never two. I have thought that the more kids the less the 'burden' each would feel to compete.

I'm trying to decide if I just want a baby, and miss the baby stage or do I really want to have three children. I am leaning toward it's not just a baby thing.
 
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