[brightonwoman]

Will your older children be present for the birth of your baby?
Why or why not?
If some will be and some won't be, what is the determining factor? Age or something else? What age?

If yes...
Do you plan to have someone present to be a 'babysitter/kid-doula' for the kids so that you and your partner can focus on the birth?
What do you do/plan to do to help prepare them?

What have your past experiences been with having older kids present for births?

My mom had 8 homebirths after me (I'm the oldest) and I was present for the births of 4 younger siblings (a couple I missed because I was asleep, very young, etc). I remember always thinking it was so cool, so I wanted to give that opportunity to my children as well.
Our oldest son (DH's bio but adopted to me) was present for the birth of our toddler. He was 6, and I talked with him a lot about what to expect, we looked at books with diagrams and photos and watched a couple of movies that showed everything. Since I had never birthed before, I had no way of knowing how I would be in labor, but I tried to prepare him for the possibility that I would be loud etc. I had my sister there to take care of DS, in case he wanted to leave or needed attention, so that DH and I could focus on the birth. All in all I think it worked out well...DS was fascinated and kept getting right in there and wanting to look up and see the baby coming down the birth canal. DH says I got pretty loud there at the end, and right as I finally delivered the head DS ran and hid behind a chair in the corner, but my sister went to him and a minute later he was ready to come back and cut the cord for us.
I'm now contemplating what to do for this next birth...DS1 will be 9, and I'll give him the choice of course...but I am thinking mostly of DS2, who will be not quite 3...I don't know if he'd get worried over it or if it would be better to have him there rather than having him with a sitter. So I'm really interested in hearing others' thoughts/experiences on this topic.

 

[umbrella]

If I can have grown-ups for them, then I would like them to have the option. My oldest will be 9 when I deliver, and would like to be there. I don't know how into it the 4 year old will be. I wouldn't want her to be in the position of finding it scary or stressful, but not being able to leave. Having people willing to be the babysitter at the birth is not as easy as finding people willing to have you just drop your kids at their house.

 

[nerin]

i'm hoping my mom can be here to take the kids, but baring that, my three will likely be with my best friend (single mom with twin toddler boys), so it's going to be an all or nothing kind of deal.

when i asked my 7yo dd if she wanted "to be there when the baby was born" her response was, "um, i'd like to be in the building...." LOL she still remembers being traumatized by the last time she saw me with an IV in my arm, and she's big enough to realize that birth might be hard for her to watch. i haven't approached dd2 (age 5) about it and i probably won't....mostly because it will be more convenient to have them all be together.

 

[shakenbake]

my 7 year old will be 8 by the time but hes for lack of a better word high strung if i cry he gets really upset and im planning on no drugs no epie again this time so im going to find a baby sitter for this time or leave him with my family i want him to be there but i know he will most likely freak out and sadly make it harder for me to not beable to console him and be there for him =-(

 

[firewoman]

I had all three of my older children ther for my last homebirth. They were 9, 5, and 2.5. The 2.5 year old I think was just pretty amazed and didn't seem scared, but my 5 year old who will be 8 by the birth of the next baby didn't like the noises I made and would rather wait outside and come in to cut the cord once the baby is born. Both the younger children are boys. My oldest is a girl and she caught the baby and would like to do it again this time. I'm not sure about if I'm going to allow my 2 year old daughter to be in the room because I'm afraid it will be upsetting to her to see me in discomfort. I'll have to play it by ear. The children did have a kid-doula. I think it is important. I think it is a great gift for children to see a baby be born, especially the way you are doing it. To me it imprints onto them that normal birth is neither scary or medical. Good luck.

 

[lisa_nc]

I'm just going to kind of see how it goes. If I labor while they are asleep, I won't wake them up unless they really, really want me to. I'll have people there to redirect them if it gets too intense. For now, we're talking a lot about birth and watching birth videos on the internet so that they can be prepared. My daughter is especially concerned that I will be in pain whereas my son is more interested in the mechanics of the whole thing. I really just want to play it by ear, but have them be prepared at the same time.

 

[georgiegirl1974]

DD (3) will not be there (unless the baby comes before the ILs arrive and in the middle of the night). I'm pretty sure she'd get really upset when she saw that I was in pain. She is very sensitive. (It makes her sad if I cry.) I'd consider it if she was older (like 5).

 

[Siobhain]

My kids will be in the house, we are having a homebirth but I have decided I want to do it alone this time. The older two were present for my third child's birth, they were 2 1/2 and 3 1/2 at the time, they didn't really care, we had a relative come to watch them and keep them busy. With our fourth our kids were 9, 8 and almost 5 and they were present for our homebirth. It was fascinating to them and they leaned on the side of the birth pool through much of the birth. However I did feel like I needed to reign myself in a little to protect them from seeing me in pain. Just my thing, it probably wouldn't have been a big deal to them but it was a slight problem for me. This time I am hoping it will just be DH and I for the most part with the midwife in the background for if we need her. My oldest will be 12 1/2 and will be in charge of keeping our 3 year old occupied if I birth while they are awake. My dream is UC but I couldn't bring myself to not have a midwife present, so I am hoping for as much UC as possible with her there LOL

Warmly,
Erin

 

[DevaMajka]

I wasn't planning on having ds there, just because I didn't really want him to see me in pain, and I don't want the distraction. Even though he has to have an adult there specifically for him (hospital birth), I would still be concerned if he were upset.
But...he's so very interested in everything about the baby. I may try to find some age appropriate birth videos/books and talk to him about it, and see if he wants to be there, or would rather stay home and play with grandma.

 

[herbanmama]

10 yo dd will be at our homebirth, and it's one of the reasons I have 2 female friends acting as doula. I'm pretty sure she'll handle it like a champ, but if things get long or even stressful, It will be nice to have someone extra devoted to her needs. I can't imagine her not being there.

 

[Peony]

DD1 was almost 4 when DD2 was born, she was there, and loved it. She still talks about it to this day and is so excited when #3 arrives to watch again. DD2 is 2.5y, baby is due any day now, and I'm planning oh having her there. Dh will be in charge of kiddos and I have my mom I can call on to help if need be.

 

[ani'smommy]

DD was there for part of DS's birth-- just the first few hours (we went out for breakfast). After that she wanted to sit on my lap and nurse and I just couldn't handle it. My dad took her to the children's museum and when they came back a couple hours later, they got to meet DS

 

[MyLittleWarrior]

When my kids are around, I'm totally in "mother mode", and there is no way I'd be able to relax and let birth happen. They'll be 4 and 2 when this baby is born, and I'll have DH take them to a friends house as soon as the doula arives.

 

[Ianthe]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DevaMajka I wasn't planning on having ds there, just because I didn't really want him to see me in pain, and I don't want the distraction.

This is how I feel about it.

He'll just just 2, I don't think it will get it.. I don't want to scare him.

 

[Talula Fairie]

My kids are 3 and 4 (will be like 3.5 and almost 5 at the time of the birth). I am definitely going to have them here for my homebirth, partially because we just moved here (our families live 2+ hours away) and I don't know anyone well enough to call in the middle of the night and be like "hey I'm in labor watch my kids."

But we have a rommate and he can watch them if he's home, I also have a friend coming to help out with the birth/end of pregnancy/early post partum time so she can help me while my hubby (who isn't very useful in labor anyway) can watch the kids.

My kids are really interested in birth and love watching birth videos. I think they will be fine for the actual birth. I definitely want them to see the baby being born, I think that would be a really positive experience for them.

 

[sebarnes]

We're planning on it as long as they want to be there. DD was present for DS birth (she was 2.5), and it was such a positive experience for all of us. I can't imagine not doing it again. We did a lot of prep work, read lots of books, watched lots of births and talked a bunch about noises and such. At one point in the birth she was making noises with me! She remembers it and is really looking forward to being at the baby's birth. I had a doula, and it was DH's job to watch after DD. I just didn't need him for support during the birth, and DD was very parent attached at that point so he was the best option. DD was in and out of the room and watched the baby come out. My doula helped her cut the cord. We did have a back up plan of an aunt to pick her up if she decided she didn't want to be there, and will likely do the same thing this time.

 

[GoBecGo]

My kids will always be present wherever possible when their siblings are born (so far i have only got 1!) mainly because i feel in this culture it's probably the most powerful thing i can do for them to show them how normal, safe and joyous birth usually is.

DD couldn't be less than 4 before we have another (because she is 3 and i ain't expectin'!) but i would have had her there at any age. I wouldn't force it, but i would make sure she was welcome to come in and out. I'll have her dad (my ex) there to support her (yes that sounds bonkers but we all get on great and he's already been at one homebirth, DD's!) and DP and a female friend to support me and the midwife.

She has seen lots of nice birth pics and videos on youtube and frequently tells strangers on the bus that "the doctor didn't have to come, i came outta vagina!". She knows the basics plus we have discussed the noises. It might be worth, for anyone who is worried about worrying their kids with noises, moving some heavy furniture around (or doing any exaggerateable job) and vocalising the effort and talk about birth being hard work and how mama will make hard-work noises.

 

[Full Heart]

No, I have never had my kids present and don't plan on it this time. They would distract me. I need to be left alone. Also I don't like being watched. Dh will take care of them or my mother will be there. Most likely it will happen at night so it won't be an issue. Last birth my oldest woke up and invited herself to the birth. I ended up yelling at her and my mother to get out. It wasn't intentional, just came out. I would rather spare the kids the trauma of me yelling at them. With #4 the kids were up when I went into labor but dh put them to bed about midway through the labor.

If its worked for you before and you enjoyed the experience I see no harm in including them.

 

[zjande]

My kids have been present at my last 2 births & will all be at the next one as well.

When I had baby #3, my 14yo DD & 7 yo DS were there & did perfectly. I loved having them there. It was a MW attended hospital birth with several family members there as well, in case the kids needed help.

When I had baby #4 it was a UC at home. My DD was 16, DS1 was 9 and DS2 was 24 months then. It couldn't have been more awesome. The kids all did perfectly. My 24 mo even wandered in & put cold wash cloths on me while I was roaring the baby out, just like his dada was doing.

(Otherwise all the kids were sitting right in the bathroom doorway where I was birthing).

Baby #5 will be a MW attended homebirth & my kids will be: 18yo DD, 11yo DS1, nearly 4yo DS2, and 22 month old DS3. I will again have prepared them with many, many birth videos and talked a LOT with the youngest about how "mamas have to be noisy to get the baby out". I tried to really drill that into my toddler's brain last time & I think it worked. He never showed a bit of fear at my pain noises.

It's important to me that all the kids be there to welcome their new brother or sister because I want them to feel involved. I want them to be there to experience that joy & excitement & emotion with us. I think it helps with their bonding with their new sibling so much. And I also think it's wonderful that my teen DD has experienced my births with me, natural childbirth is not a mystery to her. She held her brand new baby brother while his umbilical cord was still leading up into my belly while I tried to position myself over the big bowl I wanted to deliver the placenta into. All the while she was trying not to stick her knee in any birth goo because she had to be soo close to me due to the baby still being connected to me. We were laughing & laughing. That will always be such a fun memory for me. I love that my kids can reminisce about their siblings births with me.

We don't find out gender until the baby comes out so I also just love having all the kids there at that magical, emotional moment when I announce whether it's a new baby sister or brother. I just adore sharing that special moment with them.

New babies coming is just such a fantastic & amazing family event for us.

I love sharing it with the kids so, so much!

 

[GoBecGo]

zjande what a beautiful post! You make me want to have about 8 more kids to experience all you talked about!