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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I feel like the worst mother ever.<br><br>
I don't want to wean. I've always thought I would do CLW and expected to nurse for 3 years at least, but I don't know what to do.<br><br>
DD is 20 months. She was one of those LOs who would nurse from 11-7 if I let her. A couple of weeks ago I got frustrated and decided to try night weaning. Up to that point she had NEVER, not once, slept more than 2.5 hours at a stretch. It seemed to go smoothly for about a week and then it stopped working. DD is waking up around 3 AM and not going back to sleep for roughly 2 hours.<br><br>
The part that is KILLING me is how I feel. Every single time she nurses, day or night, I feel RAGE. I do NOT hit, but the urge to smack her overwhelms me. I get mad and say mean things. I grit my teeth. I want to scream, every single time. If she would just transfer milk and be done I think I could handle it, but she comfort nurses for SO long and is SO demanding I can't stand it. I don't want to feel this angry at my precious DD. She's such a sweet baby.<br><br>
Just to add another thing to the mix, the thought of her never nursing again gives me anxiety to the point that I want to have a panic attack. I think of things I want to happen while she's still nursing (i.e. chicken pox). I think of the comfort it gives her when my emotions allow me to allow her all the time she needs. I've got tears running down my face thinking about this.<br><br>
I seriously feel like the worst mother ever. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
It sounds to me like you need to set some limits on the nursing. There's no way I could have continued nursing DS until he self-weaned if I hadn't set some limits when he was a toddler.<br><br>
It's perfectly OK to say 'no" to a request to nurse, or to end a nursing session in progress, for no other reason than 'I don't want to right now." Plenty of times I'd say no to DS, plenty of times I'd say "yes" and plenty of times I'd offer. Remember that nursing is a relationship between two people and <b>BOTH</b> of your needs are important.<br><br>
I found that I was more relaxed while nursing, and the milk flowed better, when I was well hydrated. I also found that the baby nursed less intensely when s/he was well hydrated. So, before nursing, we'd both have a drink and then nursing just felt less intense and easier on me.<br><br>
How long have you felt these feelings of rage? Is this something new or has this been brewing for a long time? Have you gotten your menstural cycles back yet? I'm wondering if there might be some kind of hormonal connection to the feelings of rage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Ruthla</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12368759"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
How long have you felt these feelings of rage? Is this something new or has this been brewing for a long time? Have you gotten your menstural cycles back yet? I'm wondering if there might be some kind of hormonal connection to the feelings of rage.</div>
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I do set limits and I do end nursing sessions because I just don't want to-she just freaks out. She goes from 0-hysterical in like 2 seconds.<br><br>
The feelings of rage are a few weeks old. To the point that DH told me last night I should "cut her off" when she turns 2 in Feb because I seem to be annoyed with her every time she nurses. He has no idea I feel so infuriated when she nurses. I've gotten annoyed (of course) on and off over 20 months but this is real ANGER and it scares me. I would NEVER hurt DD but the way I feel freaks me out. I got my first PPAF like 16 months ago, so that's not new. My cycles are wonky for sure.<br><br>
I have an IUD but I've had it since I was 10 weeks PP. I can't figure out why I feel this way. I used to LOVE nursing. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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For me, sleep deprivation occasionally causes feelings of rage about nursing. I don't have any more wisdom for you, sorry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Sleep, water, hormone balance.... I hope it gets better for you soon!
 

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What helped me was to change my diet from vegetarian to traditional foods with lots of cod liver oil...it was an amazing transformation. I also do a food/water check when I'm feeling antsy about nursing and for my older girls I ask them to wait until I eat/drink if I need to. Yes, it is sometimes not met with great approval, but I do my best and sometimes I can't meet everyones' needs at once. I also try to be very honest about why I can't nurse if I can't (like that I'm feeling temporarily nursed out).<br><br>
Being really proactive about making sure the children get enough to eat helps a lot too.<br><br>
Have you tried limiting the duration of nursing sessions? Dd2 does well with this and will agree to nurse until I count to a certain number and while nursing I sometimes suggest reading a book or a snack and give her a big kiss and hug when we're done. She's about a year older than your dd though...I tried the approach with dd1 at 20 months and it didn't work.<br><br>
Also keep in mind nursing goes in cycles and it may just be a very rough patch of intensive nursing.<br><br>
Last thing...try to figure out what might make you feel better and express it to yourself as a need (rather than a lack)...as in I need more sleep, rather than I'm not getting enough sleep. It helps find solutions.<br><br>
Good luck and sorry you're going through this!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Livviesmom0207</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12368783"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I do set limits and I do end nursing sessions because I just don't want to-she just freaks out. She goes from 0-hysterical in like 2 seconds.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"></div>
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Try to calm yourself when she's hysterical and center rather than react. Dd1 is rather like this, with a very intense personality. The more I can be present but not reactive when she's very upset the better she does. I try to squelch the urge to instantly fix it or snap at her and try to just be there for her.
 

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I went through a few phases of nursing aversion where I felt the same, especially when ds was intensely involved in aggressive fiddling.<br><br>
When he would ask to nurse I would tell him, 'we will nurse after we ______' just to stall for a minute and I would take the time to get my mental state ready to do it, because my first reaction to his request at that time was "Heck no!!" Taking a minute before we started helped. Deep breaths, a round of <a href="http://www.emofree.com" target="_blank">EFT</a>, grab a handful of chocolate chips to eat while nursing as a reward, lol. Whatever works!
 

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You sound to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. You are the only one who knows what you can handle.<br><br>
Personally, though, my son is an HSC (highly sensitive child) and he is able to pick up on even the most subtle changes in my spirit. I couldn't nurse him while angry because I had such a heavy conviction that he was subconsciously absorbing my feelings of resentment. I had to ground myself a LOT during those times. Occasionally I had to refuse the breast and he would go from zero to hysterical just like your daughter in less than 2 seconds. But I was able to love him and care for him in a calm manner without feeling any feelings of resentment. When I was able to find my center again I would nurse. For me, I felt it was the lesser of two evils to not nurse him if I was going to do nurse with <b>any</b> negativity to my child. This was the choice I was most comfortable with. He's now 3.5 and still nursing.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> It sounds like you have such mixed emotions when it comes to nursing!<br><br>
One thing that you may want to try is to make sure you are well hydrated and increase your protein intake. Some nursing mamas find they have these feelings while nursing because of something their body is lacking (usually protein). Other moms have luck with B6/B12 vitamins and/or cod liver oil (omega 3's).<br><br>
I hope you find something that helps soon. It's a horrible place to be in, especially when you want to badly to nurse your child!
 

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I could have written your post a few years ago...When DS1 was 2.5 years, I found myself in a really similiar place. He was nursing alot, both day & night, wking up at least twice a night to nurse. I felt these waves of frustration & resentment while nursing, particularly at night, so I decided to night wean. I didn't want my DS absorbing all that negativity along with my milk.<br><br>
DS was super verbal, so we talked alot about what was going to happen instead of nursing. We (DH & I) also made sure that the substitute would really appeal to him - snuggles & stories, his second favorite thing. He still woke up (we were co-sleeping), but DH could help him go back to sleep too. The first few weeks were very hard, but over time DS got used to a drink of water & a story to sooth. Eventually, just the snuggle was all he needed to fall back to sleep.<br><br>
I found that not nursing at night brought back my positive feelings around nursing in general--which was good, becase his daytime nursing picked up quite a bit for a while. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> We continued nursing, pretty much on demand (but with gentle mama limits--"Mama can't nurse right now, I'm cooking dinner. We'll nurse in a few minutes", etc), until he self-weaned at 3.5 yrs.
 

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I don't have any answers, but wanted to let you know you are not alone!<br><br>
For me the problems started with tandem nursing. Beforehand, I was all gung-ho, I'm supermom, I'm doing CLW. But the reality of it has been humbling.<br><br>
All was fine at first. I had no issues nursing through pregnancy. DS was born at home when DD turned 3.5, and the first few months were ok. Then it started. DS was about 4 months old, and these intense feelings of rage would creep up in my -- only when my older daughter was nursing. The primal intensity of this red-hot rage staggers me. It feels like a physical violation, like agreeing to have sex when I don't want to -- which is a disconcerting association in and of itself, which only adds to my agita. I get the urge to throw her across the room -- in bad moments, I have cursed and said some pretty uncool things I'm not proud of.<br><br>
What has helped me was first acknowledging it out loud. I talked about it with some mamas on another board, and just putting it out there in the ether helped lighted the load. It also helped to realize that there's actually a term for it -- nursing aversion -- and it happens a lot. Someone also suggested nutrition, too, and I've tried to be better about my diet, vitamins, and hydration.<br><br>
I also mentioned it to my DH, who had a similar response -- well then just wean her. As if it were that simple! Nothing comes close to "nee" when it comes to comfort for her. Some days, I feel like my 4 yo nurses more than my 6 mo. ARGH. And mornings are the worst -- she will latch on to me at 5 am and just keep sucking me dry until we get up at 7.<br><br>
I haven't solved the issue. Some days are hard, some are better. I try to take a deep breath and remind myself it won't be forever. But I definitely feel like I am squashing my own needs and not honoring my own feelings. I quietly promise myself that I will find a way to get her weaned before she turns 5, though I don't know how.<br><br>
It's such a bummer because we used to have a wonderful nursing relationship, and I hate that it will end on such a sour note (no pun intended!). We've had a lot of transitions in the last few months, between the birth of DS and DD starting pre-K, so I try to remind myself to be patient. It's not easy.<br><br>
Anyway, all this to say, you're not alone! And man I know how much those moments suck. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Good luck to you --<br><br>
Amy
 

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I was feeling as you described during night time nursings. She would wake at 3 and nurse for roughly 2 hours. i wanted to crawl out of my skin and the rage was awful. Come morning I was out 2 hours of sleep and then feeling guilty about my behavior. Not a great way to start the day. I decided I had to night wean ( she was a little over 2) and I also stepped up my vitamins. The night weaning was not fun but it was pretty quick, roughly 3 nights. I am lucky in that my dh is able to comfort her. I talked to dd about it before we did it and dh was ready to take over if I needed. Once she was night weaned she began to sleep through the night. Bliss. She will on occasion still wake at 3 (what is it with this hour?) but will accept a cuddle with dh or myself. She still nurses during the day and I am fine with this. I love nursing her....I do not love missing out on sleep. Don't know if this helps. I do understand what you are feeling and it's not easy.
 

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Please don't feel bad about your feelings, as you can see lots of us are in a similar boat <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">. My dd is only 1 months and she has been nursing at night a lot. It is driving me mad!!!! I think she is really teething, so I am trying to be understanding and tell myself it will pass. I really want to do CLW too, but I try to remember that if I am suffering to the point I just can't stand it, I will consider night weaning at least at some point. HUGS!
 

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Your not the only one hun. Me too! I'm sure glad you posted! I'm feeling exactly what your feeling. I HATE it! I had enough trouble getting her to nurse in the begining. Now I just want to scream when she's fiddeling around and being pushy. I'm enraged just thinking about it. I've been giving myself a break. My new rule is no nursing in public (not that I care) but it really gives her the impression that it's on my terms too.
 

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I remeber when my dd had Roseola. She was so sick and woke like every hour or 2 like 3 nights in a row. She cried every single time i put her down. She only wanted me. I remember feeling so angry when she would wake me at night. I remember raising my voice at her "What! What do you want!?" and being even cold to her. When it was done and she broke out in the rash i felt like the biggest a$$hole and the worst mom ever. I was so sleep deprived, i just wasnt able to cope with it properly. Dont feel bad mama. Sleep deprivation can make you do things you would not normally do.
 

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Hi there -<br>
This post may anger some, and maybe I don't have the right to say anything as I'm not a mother yet. Just trying to be, really hard! I was led here trying to find out what CLW meant from a TTC board.<br>
But anywayyyyy<br>
This is from the point of view of an adult who was basically CLW'ed, if that's the right way to say it. My mom breastfed for a long time. I can actually remember incidences. And honestly from my point of view, I find that disturbing. I wish I didn't remember it - it seems wrong at its core to have those memories. I don't remember pooping in diapers, or other baby activity, because those had stopped when I was still a baby.<br><br>
Maybe it's that there's a social bias against bf'ing big kids, and I find it embarrassing that I was a 5 year old that would still occasionally nurse. Maybe when my future kids grow up this won't be a big deal b/c many more people nurse later and later. But it is/was to me. At a certain point it seems like it crosses over from sustenance and bonding to a weird intimacy.<br><br>
I hope you all will take this for what it is: a perspective from the adult who was breastfed. Maybe I'll feel entirely differently when I have a kid - maybe I'll be packing breast milk into my 8th grader's lunch bag! Maybe breast milk at some point will be sold in Whole Foods next to the goat's milk (actually I think this might happen at some point!)
 

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Rec, welcome to MDC!<br><br>
For what it's worth, child-led weaning is a philosophy that strives to be respectful of a child's needs and wants, and to respond appropriately to a child's cues.<br><br>
I also remember nursing as a toddler, and find it perfectly normal. I'm sorry that your memories make you feel uncomfortable.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I just wanted to post and thank all of you for your kind words.<br><br>
Things haven't changed, but I'm still nursing her. She's 22 months, she'll be 2 on 2/1.<br><br>
I'd be thrilled if I could somehow convince her to wean after her birthday but I don't see it happening. I'm just setting small goals-right now I want to make it to 2/1. Maybe I'll feel better by then.<br><br>
The aversion is really making me feel awful. I try to be out of the house doing things as much as possible because she doesn't ask when we're not home.<br><br>
I'm glad/sad I'm not the only one!
 
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