Wives of introverts.

mommariffic · Dec 14, 2010

Note: DH and I are doing better as far as communication goes (I think, better is "better" than worse) and I want to thank everyone who's every commented on my posts with helpful suggestions

One thing I am still struggling with, is his introvert ways. I was thinking maybe either a support thread/advice thread for wives of introverts?
 
And some questions:
DH says I place too many social expectations of him. These are the 1 family potluck we have a week with other families (he has no interest, I love having friends over for a warm meal in the winter), and sometimes having friends over. He literally complains about this, and will make enjoying myself impossible (he will run upstairs for 20 minutes and hide while friends are over, or come late, or just moan about it for hours leading up to dinner..) I don't think a family potluck and maybe 1-2 other small things a WEEK can be a burden, because well..there's 7 days in a flipping week!
 
My other question is this: on the weekends I expect DH to be fully present. If he wants "free time" I'm happy to give him an hour or two per day, but otherwise lets do things as a family. He often just makes breakfast and goes upstairs to play video games, or read, or just go back to sleep without notice, leaving us downstairs. This really bugs me, because I can't just say oh hey morning now I'm going to make a bagel and head back to bed to eat it.
 
 
I'm also still struggling with his night owl ways. If he chooses to stay up until 3am playing games or whatever, and is up at 10am isn't that chunk of 7+ hours at night enough "time" for him to regenerate?
 
 
Thanks again for letting me rant. His ways are annoying - I'm not a social butterfly but I do enjoy the close comfort of friends and family, and he literally has no need for anyone. He has no interest in making new friends, and just lives in his own little bubble (albeit we are included in it) but still! It's embarassing because he's so obviously unhappy when people are over, that it's a running joke.

geekgolightly · Dec 14, 2010

IMHO more communication is needed. I completely understand his need for alone time, especially if he works all week. He needs decompression time if he's an introvert. But that doesn't mean he can do whatever he likes without any communication on his part. Maybe you guys could have a system set up so that you can plan on the weekends better? Like, he says, I need Saturday and Sunday mornings and then if you want to do something in afternoon family wise, we can chat about it. As long as there is a system both of you can count on, it might work out for the both of you. I'm a planner too, and it drives me crazy when DH disappears for hours at a time with no heads up.
 
But with meet ups with non immediate family members... twice a week is A LOT. Even once a week get-togethers would be far too much for me to handle. If i had someone pressuring me to be that interactive with anyone other than my DH and son, I would get ticked off. I am more extroverted than DH, but far far to introverted to have the mental energy to deal with that many get-togethers.

laura-belle · Dec 15, 2010

I am an introvert, married to an introvert. I read your post and my first reaction was that you had to be joking--you could not possibly be seriously expecting all of this from your husband, who you are aware is an introvert. 
For both me and my husband, 2-4 social events (as in involving people other than immediate family or involving spending time in busy public places like the zoo or the mall) per MONTH is about right--preferably spread out evenly over that time. We have a schedule as busy as the one you listed 1 week per year--Christmas--and it usually takes until late January before we can face people again. If either my husband or I tried to maintain your social schedule we would go nuts. 
In my ideal universe, I would get 2-3 hours of uninterrupted alone time per day; I am willing to sacrifice sleep to get it. My mom was a night owl most of my childhood and operated on way less sleep than she really needed. She did this because the middle of the night was the only time at which everyone else would leave her alone. 
I agree that it is unreasonable for you to have to do all of the parenting in the evenings and on weekends when your husband is home, but it sounds to me like you are making plans for the weekend w/o consulting him about them (or even letting him know what you want to do). 
To be really blunt: I think that it is really sad that you find your husband's base personality "embarassing". You are a social butterfly. He is not; that is not a bad thing. You need to accept these two things and work on finding social outlets that do not need to involve him and are not in your house when he is home from work. Your husband cannot handle your social schedule and should not be forced into trying. I feel really bad for both of you because it sounds like no one is happy with the current situation.

tgb · Dec 15, 2010

I'm the introvert in our relationship. When not with the kids, I do consulting work that is very people oriented. I used to beat myself up for needing to get a break everyday, while my partner only needed a break every few days. I felt inadequate, but my needs are not met without down time. Sleeping for me is not decompression time. And, I would have trouble having people at my house once a week, let alone twice a week.
 
We live next door to his family (BIL and wife next door and MIL behind) and though they drop by often, they don't stay long and have come to understand my need to be alone, so I will go ahead and leave or head to the back room if I need to be away from all the energy. Reading this makes me sound so much more antisocial than I am!
 
However, I am very communicative about my needs. I will rarely, if ever, leave or disengage without checking in with my partner and making sure everything is fine. I also feel grateful that my partner understands my needs and is accepting.
 
Given that you really value having people in your home, can you compromise and just let go of the need to have your husband there as well? Perhaps without feeling the pressure of being "on" he would be able to relax more. I try to remember that my partner needs to socialize. He loves to take our youngest son out and about the neighborhood visiting family and friends. His downtime is being with people, mine is the opposite. I am fine being in crowds for downtime, but just not necessarily being around people who know me and thus I feel the need to be on.
 
We are all different in what helps us get centered and recharge. Good luck with the situation.

mommariffic · Dec 15, 2010

He's very well aware of anything I tell him -- I give him advance notice on anything. "Do you want to go to my moms on Sunday with me? You can have Saturday to yourself.." I seriously do not think that one dinner a week with friends for 2 hours is a huge deal..it's 2 hours, and he's getting a hot, and delicious meal.
 
I just don't think the introverted personality is a reasonable excuse to say "oh sorry I need to go upstairs and play a game for awhile.." That's just rude and yes I do find it embarassing to answer the "where did he go" question from everyone...
 
He works from home. He is home 99% of the time -- he has days where he doesn't leave the house, and when we lived in a more rural area he would not leave for a week. It's hard having him here all the time, and I think maybe if he did go up to work everyday maybe I would feel differently? He has his own company/a lot of down time so during the day there are entire chunks where he's pretty much doing as he pleases. Which I think is why I don't think one day a week is asking a lot.

vannienicole · Dec 15, 2010

I'm an introvert, though forced to be social through my job, school and being a single mama of two littles. There are days when I would rather not speak at all. There are days that I can't fathom doing much more than what is required out of the house. I do what I need to do, but it doesn't mean I particularly enjoy it. I am social enough, nice and have a decent amount of friends. They know however that I won't always be up for going out. I think that his whining is more that is incredibly overwhelming him. Same goes with his leaving to go upstairs. You might not think one night a week is a lot, but to introverts, sometimes it really is. <img alt="redface.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/redface.gif">

GuildJenn · Dec 15, 2010

My DH is pretty introverted. What's funny is he likes people overall and works in a role with a lot of people involved. But he only gets his batteries charged by being alone.
 
And yes, one potluck with friends a week might stress him out...it might not. It would depend on the friends, what the rest of his week was like, etc. If it's a really chatty meal full of extroverts it would tire him. What would really bug him I think would be the - inflexibility? - of it. When he needs a night off, he needs it off. He's not nasty or anti-social and of course if we've made plans he'll keep them. But if he was told that every single week we were hosting something and he had to attend...it would be rough for him.
 
What I had to come to appreciate is that for my DH, his home is his last defense. I would love to have more people over more often, but it really feels violating for him after a certain point (my word there). I'm lucky to have friends who take great turns hosting, and I go out without him. He's also good if he can stay in the basement.
 
A whole weekend of family time that was involving direct interaction ("fully present") would completely stress out my husband. Don't get me wrong; I agree that you should have some time off too. We have found lots of compromises for our family so far (we'll see how adding #2 goes!) For example, in the spring and summer we were bike riding together. Family time, but everyone on their own seat. Hanging out at the beach works as well. My DH is great at doing crafts with our son. And we do generally spend Sun afternoon together in a more fully present way...but not all weekend.
 
Working is not downtime. It's just not - the same way being in charge of young kids is not generally downtime. If someone told me I got my extrovert charge from work I would be so annoyed...sure, it helps to work with people but it's work, you know?
 
I think you're seriously underestimating your DH's needs. I really, really -- 16 yrs of marriage really -- advise that you let go of having him be your social companion, and start building relationships and hang out time where you go on your own, friends that go with you, etc. You may find that as you do that he can ease up a little too.
 
This is a great article that helped me with it: <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/" target="_blank">http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/</a>
 
ETA: I wanted to add that adding a child was hard on my DH because of that need to be 'on'. As our son's gotten older and more independent that's helped. For me, it's been nice to have more people in the house.

raelize · Dec 15, 2010

i am also an extrovert married to an introvert. not totally an extrovert, but i also like seeing people pretty regularly and like to have a close circle of friends. Dh has no friends but has a large family that he is close to. he is happy, though to spend time with the kids, even alone. since they are older now, they specifically ask for him and he won't turn them down. he also does understand that we are BOTH parents and he needs to be included. but, that isn't the entire weekend. it may just be all saturday and i take the kids out sunday to a social function.
i have pretty much given up trying to get him to spend outside social time with me. there is no way i could get him to agree to having people over at our house every week, unless it was family. eventhen, he would evetually draw the line. 
i do SO hate how much TV dh watches, but, you know what? i have given up trying to stop him. 
i have pretty much decided that i love my husband. but, we aren't socially a good match. and that the kind of life i want, i will have to build for myself. so, i take my kids by mysefl to a lot of functions that involve other families. occasionally he will come, but i have now stopped feeling bad about it and just accepted that is him. i don't expect him to come, but i am glad when he does.nothings perfect, nobody is perfect. this is our "thing" in our marriage and it makes it hard, but honestly i can't change him and i will ruin what good we do have by trying and harping on him. 
 
i have found that it is a lot less awkward to tell people that dh is an introvert and had a hard week at work and needs some non-social time. that is much less awkward than when he comes along and is grumpy and counting down the minutes till we leave. i think also, if people know he's an introvert, they accept that. if he just disappears it seems like he just doesn't like people or is being rude, and that isn't necessarily the truth.
 
i would ask your friends if maybe you could rotate the potluck, so that maybe only 1 or 2 x a month it is at your house. and tell dh is is more than welcome to come to the potlucks, but that its cool if he doesn't.
but - i am still jealous when i see the extrovert families out together with the dh activily engaged with others. i haven't come to terms with that yet.
there is a reason you chose him - was there something about his introverted ways that atracted you to him? i know for me, i liked how quiet he was, that he was thoughtful and pondered ideas before he spoke, that he didn't really like being around people, but he loved being with me. i try to remember that. it helps me to not judge him for his personality.

geekgolightly · Dec 15, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by mommariffic <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285435/wives-of-introverts#post_16117023"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> He's very well aware of anything I tell him -- I give him advance notice on anything. "Do you want to go to my moms on Sunday with me? You can have Saturday to yourself.." I seriously do not think that one dinner a week with friends for 2 hours is a huge deal..it's 2 hours, and he's getting a hot, and delicious meal.
 
I just don't think the introverted personality is a reasonable excuse to say "oh sorry I need to go upstairs and play a game for awhile.." That's just rude and yes I do find it embarassing to answer the "where did he go" question from everyone...
 
He works from home. He is home 99% of the time -- he has days where he doesn't leave the house, and when we lived in a more rural area he would not leave for a week. It's hard having him here all the time, and I think maybe if he did go up to work everyday maybe I would feel differently? He has his own company/a lot of down time so during the day there are entire chunks where he's pretty much doing as he pleases. Which I think is why I don't think one day a week is asking a lot.
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As evidenced by my post and other posts here once a week, two hours at a time *is* too much for some introverts and your judgments are rather harsh. You are not taking into account his needs, and only seeing the world through your own eyes.
 
I am currently not working and would still never want to have to spend an evening every week entertaining people. Just not my thing. Try and see things from his perspective and give him this out. That said, there absolutely needs to be communication between the two of you concerning weekend activities. I think it is unfair of him to just disappear.

mommariffic · Dec 15, 2010

After reading more replies I feel like I'm being some extroverted, evil, wife...I'm not though, that once a week potluck (which rotates yes both days/times/houses sorry I should have clarified that) is something I look forward to, because the rest of the time I'm just with my family. If we do do something else (a museum because we are across the river from Manhattan, or a trip to my moms) I give him the option to go. I like to stay home, I like to have alone time too. No one says to me "hey you have this personality so go take a few hours off to recharge from taking care of two babes all day, everyday.." so maybe that's why I get peeved.
 
Before we had kids, he was a bit different. We went to bars, musical shows, etc. He's gotten a bit worse since we had children (they are pretty much time drainers, but lovely ones!) and so that's why I don't think once a week is a big deal, because I've had to rotate my time/writing/life for a 5 month old, and 3 year old so he should be able to commit to one event a week (even if it's not the potlouck) without grumbling...because I am very, very generous with my other time (ie: letting him sleep in if he wants to recharge all night, etc)
 
And I get plan sad when I'm out on a Saturday and it's all families families families and happy Dads eager to be with their kids, and my DH is at home because he had no desire to come out. That just bums me out, and I think it probably eventually will bum my kids out too. The other day we went to see Elizabeth Mitchell and DD (who LOVES HER) was going "UHG I don't want to be here, we should have stayed home.." and that's a direct qoute from DH. I do NOT want her imitating that behavior, because that's totally what she's doing. As soon as I took her away from him (he was holding our babe) she was dancing/having fun.
 
So yes, it may be mean of me to "expect" things from my DH. But I do, people expect things from me and so do my kids

GuildJenn · Dec 15, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by mommariffic <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285435/wives-of-introverts#post_16117709"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> After reading more replies I feel like I'm being some extroverted, evil, wife...I'm not though, that once a week potluck (which rotates yes both days/times/houses sorry I should have clarified that) is something I look forward to, because the rest of the time I'm just with my family. If we do do something else (a museum because we are across the river from Manhattan, or a trip to my moms) I give him the option to go. I like to stay home, I like to have alone time too. No one says to me "hey you have this personality so go take a few hours off to recharge from taking care of two babes all day, everyday.." so maybe that's why I get peeved.
 
Before we had kids, he was a bit different. We went to bars, musical shows, etc. He's gotten a bit worse since we had children (they are pretty much time drainers, but lovely ones!) and so that's why I don't think once a week is a big deal, because I've had to rotate my time/writing/life for a 5 month old, and 3 year old so he should be able to commit to one event a week (even if it's not the potlouck) without grumbling...because I am very, very generous with my other time (ie: letting him sleep in if he wants to recharge all night, etc)
 
And I get plan sad when I'm out on a Saturday and it's all families families families and happy Dads eager to be with their kids, and my DH is at home because he had no desire to come out. That just bums me out, and I think it probably eventually will bum my kids out too. The other day we went to see Elizabeth Mitchell and DD (who LOVES HER) was going "UHG I don't want to be here, we should have stayed home.." and that's a direct qoute from DH. I do NOT want her imitating that behavior, because that's totally what she's doing. As soon as I took her away from him (he was holding our babe) she was dancing/having fun.
 
So yes, it may be mean of me to "expect" things from my DH. But I do, people expect things from me and so do my kids
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If you're upset with the expectations on you or your need for a break, then you definitely need to address that and get that time - I support you all the way. My DH is responsible for taking our son to swimming every weekend, for example, and then they go get a snack, and I get a break. It's entirely fair to work out that kind of trade-off.
 
But that doesn't change how draining your demands to be social are on an introvert. I know it's hard to get - I'm an extrovert too. But...think of one of the most tiring out things you've done, like a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party or last-minute Christmas shopping or something. That's what a "regular" get together feels like to an introvert who is drained. It's hard to get when you look forward to it. But he really, really does not.
 
And do not compare other extrovert husbands to your DH - it's not fair, truly. I've been there. I still have those feelings from time to time too, but then I realize that I get a lot in return - my DH is almost always around to take our son if I need to go out, he's not out drinking with the guys, he's not putting demands on my social calendar so I get to run it to please myself.
 
It doesn't bum my son out - yet, and I don't think it will. Because he comes with me and we have a great time. He has different, loving, connected time with my DH doing different things, like helping with fixing things out around the house, etc. It is not a loss. It's just different.
 
P.S. I kind of imagine it like if he were forcing me to play WoW to make him happy for 3 hrs every week. I hate video games like that. I would be so resentful. Maybe something like that would help. I would personally just ask him to show up the weeks the potluck is at your house, and go and have fun the other times...and then get that time off for you.

mommariffic · Dec 15, 2010

I know I shouldn't judge, it's like I can't help myself
 
And it would probably be neat if my DH were actually helpful -- if I say "watch the kids" I can hear him silently freaking out. He told me the other day he would happily pay for our mothers helper to come more often, and if I wanted "help" on weekends I could hire someone on the weekends. And I was fuming! It's not about HELP because while having a MH is nice a few hours a week so I can go have mommy time with DD, I don't want "help.." I want HIM. A family. 

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by GuildJenn <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285435/wives-of-introverts#post_16117721"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> 

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by mommariffic <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285435/wives-of-introverts#post_16117709"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> After reading more replies I feel like I'm being some extroverted, evil, wife...I'm not though, that once a week potluck (which rotates yes both days/times/houses sorry I should have clarified that) is something I look forward to, because the rest of the time I'm just with my family. If we do do something else (a museum because we are across the river from Manhattan, or a trip to my moms) I give him the option to go. I like to stay home, I like to have alone time too. No one says to me "hey you have this personality so go take a few hours off to recharge from taking care of two babes all day, everyday.." so maybe that's why I get peeved.
 
Before we had kids, he was a bit different. We went to bars, musical shows, etc. He's gotten a bit worse since we had children (they are pretty much time drainers, but lovely ones!) and so that's why I don't think once a week is a big deal, because I've had to rotate my time/writing/life for a 5 month old, and 3 year old so he should be able to commit to one event a week (even if it's not the potlouck) without grumbling...because I am very, very generous with my other time (ie: letting him sleep in if he wants to recharge all night, etc)
 
And I get plan sad when I'm out on a Saturday and it's all families families families and happy Dads eager to be with their kids, and my DH is at home because he had no desire to come out. That just bums me out, and I think it probably eventually will bum my kids out too. The other day we went to see Elizabeth Mitchell and DD (who LOVES HER) was going "UHG I don't want to be here, we should have stayed home.." and that's a direct qoute from DH. I do NOT want her imitating that behavior, because that's totally what she's doing. As soon as I took her away from him (he was holding our babe) she was dancing/having fun.
 
So yes, it may be mean of me to "expect" things from my DH. But I do, people expect things from me and so do my kids
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If you're upset with the expectations on you or your need for a break, then you definitely need to address that and get that time - I support you all the way. My DH is responsible for taking our son to swimming every weekend, for example, and then they go get a snack, and I get a break. It's entirely fair to work out that kind of trade-off.
 
But that doesn't change how draining your demands to be social are on an introvert. I know it's hard to get - I'm an extrovert too. But...think of one of the most tiring out things you've done, like a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party or last-minute Christmas shopping or something. That's what a "regular" get together feels like to an introvert who is drained. It's hard to get when you look forward to it. But he really, really does not.
 
And do not compare other extrovert husbands to your DH - it's not fair, truly. I've been there. I still have those feelings from time to time too, but then I realize that I get a lot in return - my DH is almost always around to take our son if I need to go out, he's not out drinking with the guys, he's not putting demands on my social calendar so I get to run it to please myself.
 
It doesn't bum my son out - yet, and I don't think it will. Because he comes with me and we have a great time. He has different, loving, connected time with my DH doing different things, like helping with fixing things out around the house, etc. It is not a loss. It's just different.
 
P.S. I kind of imagine it like if he were forcing me to play WoW to make him happy for 3 hrs every week. I hate video games like that. I would be so resentful. Maybe something like that would help. I would personally just ask him to show up the weeks the potluck is at your house, and go and have fun the other times...and then get that time off for you. 
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MissLotus · Dec 15, 2010

I can see both sides to an extent. I definitely would not want a dud along on family outings - I'd want a father who was happy and eager to be with his children and wasn't acting like it was a chore. So that part would bother me for sure. On the other hand, I don't think he should be expected to be as into these weekly potlucks as you are. It sounds like that's your social outlet, not his. I wonder if he had that potluck time to himself each week, while you were enjoying it with your friends (except the weeks it's at your house, when yes, he should be a good host and not disappear), he could charge up for the family time. Maybe he's just a plain old dud and really no fun, or maybe it's just the constant round of stuff that's draining to him. I don't know what he's like otherwise (like if he's normally engaging & personable with the kid, or if he just tunes them out in general), so it's hard to say. I hope you're able to find a balance that works for both of you.

VisionaryMom · Dec 15, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by mommariffic <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285435/wives-of-introverts#post_16115656"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> 
I don't think a family potluck and maybe 1-2 other small things a WEEK can be a burden, because well..there's 7 days in a flipping week! 
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I'm an extreme introvert, and that would be WAY too much for me to want to do on a regular basis. You're asking him to have people over or go to an event 2-3 days out of every 7. When going to social events is draining, as it is for introverts, that is a lot to ask. Now, I personally don't have a problem if my husband goes to hang out with other people because he's social, and I get that. But if he expects me to go to several things weekly, then no that's not going to happen.

geekgolightly · Dec 15, 2010

Now this would bother me. He chose to marry and have a family and he has a responsibility to be a functioning part of the family.
 
My husband is such an extreme introvert that he does not have one single friend (other than one person that he has never met in person -they met on an Assembly language forum) and in the nine years we have been together has not once discussed how he feels lonely. He is very happy to only have me in his life. This used to be disconcerting for me, and I was sad that he didn't have any interest in seeing anyone...ever. But like a PP, now I have learned to enjoy the perks of that. My DH is always there for me when I need him for a break. It doesn't sound like you're getting much, if any breaks at all.
 
Despite DH's extreme introversion, he is happy to be a father. It was hard on him when the kiddo was younger. But as soon as Seth started talking and running around, they were inseparable. I know everyone is different, but I would ask him why he feels so strange playing with his children and try and sort what can be done to help him feel more comfortable.
<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by mommariffic <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285435/wives-of-introverts#post_16117742"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> I know I shouldn't judge, it's like I can't help myself
 
And it would probably be neat if my DH were actually helpful -- if I say "watch the kids" I can hear him silently freaking out. He told me the other day he would happily pay for our mothers helper to come more often, and if I wanted "help" on weekends I could hire someone on the weekends. And I was fuming! It's not about HELP because while having a MH is nice a few hours a week so I can go have mommy time with DD, I don't want "help.." I want HIM. A family. 

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nola79 · Dec 15, 2010

OP, I'm with you on the family outings. I'm an introvert, though, and committing to 1-2 events a week would send me into a panic attack. Maybe you can compromise to 1-2 a month. Not saying you should not enjoy them, just maybe he could participate 1-2 a month.

laohaire · Dec 15, 2010

2 or 3 social functions a WEEK? I would be exhausted after only one week of this much social obligation, and I think I would completely break down if it was like this week after week. So I think you are asking way too much of him here. If it's so important to do this much social activity, I would recommend:
 
1) Having most of them outside your home
2) Not expecting him to be the life of the party when you do have these in your house - it's acceptable for him to escape.
 
Now, while I don't have much sympathy for the above, I'm totally on your side about the other things. It is not introversion that makes him stay up all night playing video games - that's just selfishness. It's not introversion that makes him spend the weekend in bed - ditto selfishness (well, it's the lack fo sleep, but he chose to prioritize video games over his family and his responsibilities).
 
Yeah, that sure does sound nice to be able to grab a bagel and go back to bed. Unfortunately, once you're a FATHER you have responsibilities.
 
So we're looking at two entirely different things. Introversion is not a flaw. Selfishness and irresponsiblity, however, are.

mommariffic · Dec 15, 2010

When I say social outing I am referring to anything...and including potluck. 
Social outing for us can be food shopping, or going to look at Christmas lights...we aren't hosting parties 3x a week

major_mama11 · Dec 15, 2010

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<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by laura-belle <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285435/wives-of-introverts#post_16116980"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> ....
 
For both me and my husband, 2-4 social events (as in involving people other than immediate family or involving spending time in busy public places like the zoo or the mall) per MONTH is about right--preferably spread out evenly over that time. We have a schedule as busy as the one you listed 1 week per year--Christmas--and it usually takes until late January before we can face people again. If either my husband or I tried to maintain your social schedule we would go nuts. 

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 This sounds like me and DH. We are both introverts, and we both need a lot of recharging alone time. Sometimes we both stay up into the wee hours to recharge, even though we're both tired the next day.
We usually have houseguests over Christmas, and we were both delighted this year to discover that no one will be staying with us. I love catching up with people, but DH and I both go nuts if we have people in our home all the time. Introverts just need that decompression time to feel normal.
 
eta: I do agree that it's unfair for you not to be able to expect him to take care of the kids now and then. That behavior would really frustrate me. DH was like that for a while (playing video games all night, then grumpy and tired all weekend) and it almost did us in. Luckily he has been much better with controlling his gaming since child #2 came.
 
I hope you both can find a good compromise.

lookatreestar · Dec 15, 2010

i totally get what you are trying to say. as far as social stuff i would ask him to do one thing a week then just go it alone. i realized my idea of fun is waaay different then my dh and that is okay. (very different childhoods/backgrounds) so we just go it alone w/o dh and have a great time. i wouldn't force him to go if he is going to be a dud but i also wouldn't worry about him not going.
 
but i do get what you mean by no breaks... that part is not fair at all imo. he could take them somewhere out that wasn't "social" to give you a break.

Wives of introverts.

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