[TeaBag]

"I love you"

He was on the computer chatting iwth his girlfriend. I am really, truly trying here. I'm trying to be strong and centered for the kids. For myself. But I just have so much trouble with this. How could he have just given up? We had everything and he just gave it all up. We had a fabulous marriage, we talked *all the time* about *everything*. He used to call me his soulmate, and now, 4 months into this Thing, She's the woman of his dreams, his soulmate? WTF?????? He never gave our marriage a chance, he never even tried to communicate with me. He just gave up. He quit. WHY??? I talk and he listens, but he just sits there like a damn bump on a log, probably thinking about HER. I am heartbroken and he's saying "I love you" to someone else? I wonder how in my life I will ever, EVER trust *anyone* ever again. Seriously, someone will eventually say "I love you" to me, and I wonder how I'll ever believe it. I am frustrated because I haven't been physically touched in almost 14 months, other than the kids(which is great, obviously), but my body is *craving* physical contact with him and going unfufilled. I am so hurt, so angry, and yet, I still, STILL love the idiot. Love doesn't just get turned off by a switch, it's there. I'm furious and then I want to hug him. I'm so confused and this is making no sense.

He's just gone to bed, with ds. Remember the first stages of your relationship? When you wanted to spend every moment you could together? We used to stay up all night talking about everything and nothing. Sleep was an afterthought. He's there with her. Staying up all night, talking about everthing and nothing....while I tend to our children when they wake in the night. Eventually, real life sets in. Eventually the bills must be paid and you must work, and you go to sleep at a more normal time. The first flush of that part of the relationship fades....and then it's life. We had a great life, a wonderful marriage. And he just gave it up. For what????? What can she give him that I didn't? Excitement? At what point in the 13 months he was gone did he decide he was divorcing me? And why didn't I deserve the courtesy of informing me? Why does she, in all things, get more respect, more courtesy than I do?? You know, he won't propose to her right now. His logic was that he doesn't want to do it over there, that's not real life.

Except it was good enough to screw her? It was good enough to decide to divorce me? But not good enough to propose to her?

I want to scream and throw things and beat the living daylights out of both of them. I want to send her an email, telling her exactly what I think of her and their relationship. I want to sit on the floor and sob until I can't cry one single more tear. But I can't. I have three children who will be waking up soon, and although I'm going on about 3 hrs of sleep yet again, I have to be strong and centered for them. I feel sick.

 

[fek&fuzz]

 

[Hatteras Gal]

 

[Haydee]

 

[JustVanessa]

Teabag....maybe you can get a nap sometime today? Be strong mama. You can do this.

 

[mama40]

TeaBag, must you have him in the house?

 

[Holland73]

My heart hurts for you. Reading your post brought me back to the beginning of my divorce.

XH also left me for another woman (honestly, it was the only way he could leave...having someone else there to fall back on) and I found the "I love you" (among other endearments) in a letter he left sitting on the kitchen table.

I swear, Teabag, as much as I am sure you will hear this over and over again...it DOES get better. You might even find that it was the best thing that ever happened to you and want to thank his sorry ass someday.

Let me just say, you NEED those moments of sobbing until there is nothing left inside. Those tears are beneficial to your healing process...don't deny them. Find a place where you can let them loose, don't hold that stuff inside.

One other thing, find a therapist for yourself. I know that therapy helped me to get to this great place within myself at a quicker, healthier rate than doing it on my own. You can't deal with these feelings alone and they do need to be dealt with, felt and put into perspective.

Hang in there, Teabag. Remember to ask for help and support whenever YOU need it.

 

[Jilian]

Wow, he's so insensitive. It's bad enough that he's abandoned his family for another woman, but does he have to throw it in your face like that by talking to her in YOUR home? I think you should tell him to take his sorry a** to a hotel. He's hurt you bad and him being around is hurting you even more.

I'm so sorry he did this to you. You DID deserve the respect of knowing he planned on ending the relationship! I think what he did was cowardly. He took the easy way out like many men do. Now he's living in a fantasy world, real life will set in for him soon. It's just really sad that he hurt an innocent family with his selfishness.

It will get better mama, I promise. Right now you're just dealing with the shock of it all.

We're here for you.

 

[Autumnschild]

 

[mama40]

Again, I can't help wondering, is this a guy thing? I don't know how many stories like this I've heard...I was even in the OW position, once, when I was a moron child, and the guy did the same thing to his wife (I thought they were separated). Same thing. With a little kid. Have an ex-friend who did the same to his 8-months-pregnant wife, too. She's there, he's being all crazy, and he gets on the phone with her in the next room, and loves up his girlfriend long-distance.

Are they just somehow incapable of standing up any better than that? I mean for God's sake, this isn't even something I'd think about doing.

When I think about it, it's really a profound lack of recognition of the other person, a profound lack of respect. I think at that point, if at all practical, it's time to tell the man to leave. You shouldn't be treated that way in your own home.

 

[trinity6232000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jilian Wow, he's so insensitive. It's bad enough that he's abandoned his family for another woman, but does he have to throw it in your face like that by talking to her in YOUR home? I think you should tell him to take his sorry a** to a hotel. <snip> It will get better mama, I promise. Right now you're just dealing with the shock of it all. We're here for you.

:

: and

:

 

[BelovedK]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mama40 TeaBag, must you have him in the house?

ITA, he should at least be respectful if you all are sharing the same space

 

[meemee]

oh teabag, my heart aches for you and it aches for me too. it brings back such painful memories and along with that such a deep feeling of peace that yessssss i did survive. u know i went thru a phase where i didnt want another relationship. because how would i know it is the real thing. till i realised that was not the way to think. the first 5 years of our relationship was soooooo good. the next 2 were sooooo bad.

and today 2 1/2 years later i am so deeply happy with so much peace inside - which comes with being one with ones ownself. and today if i meet another guy i know first i will never ever go thru that pain again because no matter what he does i am today responsible for my happiness and no one else. no one else makes me whole except me. my next family will be just the addition, not what makes my life.

 

[ebony]

Teabag

Read what I wrote to the other momma with the 3 kids. You WILL get thru this. That behavior is just insensitive.

I've given up trying to understand people's behavior.

So many hearts are breaking right now...

BUT, we will all survive and, more importantly, thrive!!!

 

[Viewfinder]

TeaBag,

Your stbx is really being just horrible to you. I would like to just say that nobody EVER should have to endure such absolute disrespect. What a cad.

But you already know that. Put the pedal to the metal and get the man out of earshot. And, don't torture yourself with analyzing his relationship with someone else. He's not going to tell you how he really feels anymore.

Start practicing putting your focus back on you. It's kind of like a habit that you just have to change.

Do something very, very wonderful for yourself.

Being single is the new married.

 

[TeaBag]

 

[juliansmom]

A few years back when I was single, I found myself on a first date with a man who claimed that his wife had left him and that he was legally separated, but I did a little sleuthing because his facts did not add up. When he called to ask for a second date, I confronted him, and he confessed that he was still married with four young children. His wife did not understand him, he said. She did not have enough time for him. I don't think I have ever been as disgusted as I was at his vain attempt to justify himself. I offered him my worst expletives and that was that. It's unsettling that there are women out there who are so dumb and insecure that they would actually get involved with men like this.

Your H sounds like an immature, insensitive man who will never find happiness. Right now, the new woman is appealing to him because they have not had to deal with difficult issues such as bills and children. That is, not YET. Because if he sticks with her, he'll inevitably end up in the same mode.

In the meantime you will have healed with the help of your family and friends, will look better than ever, be happier without a grown-up child dragging you down, and will even be on your way to finding love again with a real man. At that moment, the X will probably want to reconcile. Living well is the best revenge.

I wish I could just lift the pain from you, but all I can do now is offer support.

 

[MsChatsAlot]

Hugs to you.
I agree with the others that you need to feel whatever you are feeling. It's okay to let it all out, to cry, to be angry, hurt, sad, to grieve the loss of your marriage and dreams, etc. I also agree with Holland that getting some help in therapy or something can really help move the healing process along.

I don't know the situation but....
It seems to me that he may not be trying to hurt you or even realize he is (and I wouldn't tell him it hurts you because if he knows it's a weapon, he can use it against you). The fact that he was up at 4 am indicates that he was probably thinking you wouldn't hear. Not that it makes it better, but doing it in front of your face would be a very different thing. I'm not saying that what he's doing is okay, but it does seem like he's trying to keep it from being right in your face.

I know in my own marriage, we both thought that each other or something else could make us happy. That initial rush of feelings you've mentioned are like a drug and are addiciting. People who are in pain want to feel good, and that is one way to do it. I'm not saying that what he is doing is okay, I'm just saying I don't think he's doing it because she's better, or offers something more than you or whatever. It's because he's messed up and doesn't know how to feel good about himself....so he goes looking somewhere else and finds it (momentarily....like you've mentioned, with someone else).

Even my ex who told me how miserable he was, how much he hated me and our marriage etc. etc.....after some time he softened and admitted it wasn't so bad, I am a desireable and decent woman, etc. But at the time, he needed to be angry and distant and doing things that were totally pleasurable for him and totally fulfilling his own selfish needs. At the moment, your ex seems to be only focused on that happy-euphoric feeling and isn't able to see things clearly, including all the wonderful qualities you offer. And that's because simply, he can't remember how to see the good qualities in himself.

I'm not trying to justify what he's doing. I'm just trying to show you that it is not really about you or your marriage. It's a dysfunction in him. And he will go on taking his dysfunction into other relationships and areas of his life until he looks at himself and finds whatever he needs for himself.

I've probably skipped way too far ahead for you right now because you are in pain and it's best to feel everything you need to feel and work through it so you can find a way to have peace and contentment in your life again. And none of that is ever easy on 3 hours of sleep.

As many here have said, it does get easier. Lean on others for support and you will find a way to get through the hurt.
I wish you peace on this difficult journey.

 

[twins+1mommy]

Dang - I'm so there with you! Although I have no concrete proof, I'm pretty certain that my recently ex-dp is seeing another woman. In fact, they are camping together right now.

I'm just dying - I still love her so much and want her back. I'm willing to forgive the affair and move on.

Big hugs!

 

[ruliansdad]

i'm sorry to hear it, teabag - how hurtful and sad. i've been dealing w/the same sort of thing, and it can be a real hell. i try to look at the positive side of it, which for me is that she showed me that she's NOT the person i should be with, and showed it to me very clearly.

Quote:

mama40 said : "Again, I can't help wondering, is this a guy thing?"

i can testify - this is not just a "guy thing" - it was just done to me by my female ex. we were having hard times, living separately but working on getting back together, and she started sleeping w/someone IN OUR HOUSE, in the room where our son (now almost 11mos) was born, in the bed we all slept in. we were in an intimate relationship still while all this was going on. now (3 weeks after i found out) she's living with him, says that they're in a long term relationship, and he's even co-sleeping w/her and my son. she moved out and i had to deal w/condom wrappers even. so though i recognize that possibly men are more prone to being such a#$holes, i just wanted to poke up and say that women do it too! and phooey on both sexes for being such insensitive, disrespectful doodooheads.