Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
424 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband took a job overseas against my wishes. He's leaving next month and he'll be gone for 30 days (and then have 30 days off where he comes home). The job is 90 days (six months) and he would make a ridiculous amount of money and supposedly it will open the door for his career. I just don't agree with it and I do not want him to go. We moved across the country about 18 months ago because he said that this area would have enough work for him that he wouldn't have to travel. He promised he would never take another job that would take him away from us (we can't go with, it's like a man camp). I have trust issues with him from other things in the past and I feel completely betrayed. I've tried to see this from his point of view as to what it would do for us financially and do for his career and I still just don't agree. We have a 3 year old and a 7 month old baby. He would miss so much. I have *one* close friend out here, who lives an hour away. I have virtually no support system, so I just don't feel SAFE having him leave for 30 days at a time. I've told him that I feel like this could potentially ruin our marriage/family and he seems to think it's such a great opportunity that it's worth the gamble. He generally prides himself on what a dedicated family man he is and this just seems so out of left field for him to do. I am completely devastated (and terrified). <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
154 Posts
30 days really doesn't seem that bad. Honestly. If he's making that much money and will help your family, I personally think 30 days there and then 30 days here sounds great.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,938 Posts
Redhen- I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I think it's totally unfair of him to take a job that will have him gone so much without your buy-in. Has he already signed a contract? When does he leave?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,593 Posts
I'm really sorry he isn't respecting your wishes. That must feel really crappy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to you.<br><br>
My DH works offshore (not overseas, but he just took a new job working in international waters), and he's gone 14 days out of every month. I personally LOVE the arrangement. I love that he gets to be home for 14 whole days with no job to go to, and then I've come to love the time that he's gone, too. I get time alone with the kids, I get to cook whatever I feel like eating, watch whatever I feel like watching on TV, and any little amount of free time I get in the evenings after the kids go to bed is MINE, all mine. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
424 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
He hasn't signed the contract yet but he's set on going. He'll be leaving April 12. I am trying to be OK with this. I think I'm really angry about how he presented it, and he didn't try to be gentle at all when I was upset about him leaving.<br><br>
I can see the time to myself being nice, but I'm just thinking of the 8 million bad things that could happen to me when I don't have anyone else to check in on me every day. I don't really have many friends here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,956 Posts
Since he'll be making bank, I think that you could see what could be solved with money...some thoughts.<br>
1. fly in a friend or relative for some of the time<br>
2. hire a mama's helper/babysitter regularly<br>
3. install a monitored alarm system<br>
4. webcam system for both of you<br>
5. massages to replace that human touch you'll miss<br><br><br>
I know someone who's husband reupped in the army after being out for 6 months - with the knowledge his group would be going to Iraq ASAP. She was on edge and anxiety medication the whole time he was gone. What she couldn't include in her decision making process and what was really important to him was that his army job was *Exciting* and *Important* and his home job was boring and meaningless warehouse work. Is there something similar going on for him - something in his decision making that is a 0 for you and a 10 for him?<br><br>
Edited to add: I really think you should try to come up with enough expensive things that it equals the extra money he's making, just to make it less worthwhile for him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,109 Posts
Wow, I am surprised at the current batch of responses. This would be a deal breaker for me. He made promises to her and he isn't keeping them. In fact he doesn't give a rat's butt about her at all. I don't think he would be welcome back if my dh did something this big unilaterally. I would likely move back where I had family and support, because who knows if he actually comes back or if the "trust issues" are her gut telling her this is something else. Cause if he comes back, but not to her she could then be stuck in that area with no support and no husband.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,282 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Apricot</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10731329"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Since he'll be making bank, I think that you could see what could be solved with money...some thoughts.<br>
1. fly in a friend or relative for some of the time<br>
2. hire a mama's helper/babysitter regularly<br>
3. install a monitored alarm system<br>
4. webcam system for both of you<br>
5. massages to replace that human touch you'll miss<br><br></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
I don't know what to say about all the trust issues and the way he presented his decision unilateraly. I'd be upset, too!<br><br>
In the spirit of practicality, though, I like the idea Apricot presented to make things bearable for you while your DH is away. Who knows? You could become like a PP and really begin to enjoy the time he's away! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
And maybe you can start looking for playgroups so you can meet some other moms? Have you looked in your tribal area for other AP moms? Maybe you won't feel so anxious if you start building up your own network of friends.<br><br>
Lastly, counseling? Seems like there are some underlying issues in your marriage that need some work.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
424 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Apricot</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10731329"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Since he'll be making bank, I think that you could see what could be solved with money...some thoughts.<br>
1. fly in a friend or relative for some of the time<br>
2. hire a mama's helper/babysitter regularly<br>
3. install a monitored alarm system<br>
4. webcam system for both of you<br>
5. massages to replace that human touch you'll miss</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Those are all good ideas. I offered a nanny position to a friend back home who was my doula at the birth of my first and she said she couldn't. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> She was the only person I would really trust to come out and I'm not close with my family. I'm hoping to find a good babysitter, it's just a difficult task. I'm definitely getting an alarm system. He can't have a webcam because he'll basically be living in a prison cell. It's like an 8x8 room with a small bed and a TV. He will probably have internet access from the job site though, and he's going to get a sat phone so I can call him wherever/whenever. Massages for sure... if I can find a babysitter!<br><br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Apricot</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10731329"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Is there something similar going on for him - something in his decision making that is a 0 for you and a 10 for him?<br><br>
Edited to add: I really think you should try to come up with enough expensive things that it equals the extra money he's making, just to make it less worthwhile for him.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br>
It's not a 0 for me and a 10 for him. I do see the benefits but I just hate the idea of him being gone, and I'm even angrier for what a jerk he was in the way he presented it. He doesn't "want" to go, and I know it's not going to be fun for him. 12 hour days for 30 days straight and then "home" to a prison cell at night with nothing but russian TV and whatever entertainment he can pack. He'll be doing the same kind of work he does here, just a few positions higher up (going from a foreman to the superintendent) and it's supposed to open to door for a job when he comes back home. It's a great chunk of money and there are a lot of things we've needed it for that will be out of the way after we get it (how vague is that??).<br><br><br><br>
LOL at your last comment.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,238 Posts
I think he should try to put himself in your point of view the same as you are looking at it from his point of view. What if you wanted to up and go for a month? Would he really be ok with that?<br><br>
What about the childrens' point of view? My kids would have a hard time if their papa was all of a sudden just gone for a month solid.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,933 Posts
It certainly does not sound like your partner is doing it for the fun, but for the benefits that this job will bring to your family financially in both the short and long term.<br><br>
Considering how the economy is looking these days, I'd suck it up for the sake of my family. It's only three months sacrifice on both your parts for a lot of gain.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,933 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Apricot</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10731329"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I really think you should try to come up with enough expensive things that it equals the extra money he's making, just to make it less worthwhile for him.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I think that's really counterproductive.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,238 Posts
I think this situation totally depends on what you value too. EXTRA money is not always NEED for some people. If your family is currently going without, that's different, but I dont value working more just to have "extra" money. You can make all the money in the world, be gone a lot, and still be missing out on a big part of living life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
424 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>choli</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10737788"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think that's really counterproductive.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
It totally would be. I'm not going to have us all go through this for nothing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
424 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>DesireeH</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10737890"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think this situation totally depends on what you value too. EXTRA money is not always NEED for some people. If your family is currently going without, that's different, but I dont value working more just to have "extra" money. You can make all the money in the world, be gone a lot, and still be missing out on a big part of living life.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Money isn't the only motivation for him to go, it's almost secondary. This is a big career opportunity for him- the position he would have is several rungs up the ladder from where he is now and usually requires higher education. It's pretty unheard of that someone my husband's age is offered such a position. But as far as the money goes, no... we're far from going without. However, the money would allow us to be totally debt free (he got all of the debt from his ex wife in his divorce, as well as a failed business and a buttload of alimony- we're CLOSE to being done with it and this would finish it off). We would also have the money to hire a great legal team to do a TPR/step parent adoption for our first daughter (we've been together since she was 10 weeks old, I was a single mama when we met). The adoption is the main reason I'm trying to be positive about this.<br><br><br>
*** ETA- he's been working 70+ hour weeks for the last 18 months to pay for the custodial case against my ex (total deadbeat) and to get out of the debt from his divorce. It's been a rough year. Taking this job would also enable him to work a regular 40 hour week when he gets back if the sales job that is supposed to follow falls through (the sales job would also be 40 hours but salary+commission). 40 hours to us seems like a total dream. ***<br><br>
It just sucks having him gone, I will miss him terribly... so will our kids. I'm worried that my 3 year old will act out a lot because of it. It makes me nervous to be alone in an area where I don't have much support (although, the few friends I do have are being extremely supportive). It just sucks. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,238 Posts
Sounds like you are really trying to be positive and see his side. I hope the time goes by quickly. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,956 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>redhen</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10738828"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It totally would be. I'm not going to have us all go through this for nothing.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
OK, OK, you're being totally reasonable and stuff, and no fun at all...can you at least pretend to make up a list of really expensive things you're gonna do to replace his presence?<br><br>
And no, it doesn't seem like he'll be having any fun at all over there. Ick.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,691 Posts
It seems like a craptastic short-term sacrifice for what is likely to be fabulous long-term gain in several areas.<br><br>
I'd be nervous too, but I'd do my best to support this step for your family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,933 Posts
It won't be easy, but keep your eyes on the prize and try not to sweat the day to day. Definitely avail of babysitting and anything else that will make it easier for you - two small kids and just one parent is hard.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,378 Posts
that sounds really hard. I don't think i could have my husband gone soo far away for so long. I would have terrible anxiety, plus i'd be extremely lonely. I'd be worn out and not able to take a break. Plus your right the three year old might act out on top of it all. It will be stressful. I don't know if i were in that situation the benefits would outway the negative aspects.<br><br>
It does sounds like this will be good for your family in the long run, but i think its something you both need to agree to. Not just your dh making the decision on his own.<br>
If its already set in place then i guess Apricots solutions sound like they might be your best bet. If not, perhaps you should talk to your dh one more time. I hope everything works out.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
Top