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worried about gender?

1138 Views 24 Replies 20 Participants Last post by  elismom
Found out today that I'm having a boy; all looks very healthy. This is great news, but if I'm completely honest, I'm upset. I have a little girl and would be really comfortable having another. I have one sister, no aunts or uncles, so little boys are not part of my experience. I know this is a very uncomfortable thing i.e. I'm lucky that I'm having a healthy baby and am just supposed to be overjoyed. I assume I just need time to process this and all will be well. People say: "You get what you're meant to have" (in terms of boys/girls) and "When the baby's here, you'll never wish it to be another way." Anybody else deal with these feelings in a productive way? Or have you read anything illuminating on this matter? Thanks.
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Well, the fact is that gender really isn't a deciding factor in how easy or difficult any given child is to parent - that depends entirely on personality!
I've got 2 boys & 2 girls, and while I definitely love them all, I do butt heads with one DS & one DD more than the others :LOL

I guess if it were me having these worries, I'd try to concentrate on getting to know this new little PERSON, without projecting any gender-based expectations on how he may be in the future. Children really do surprise you, and it's my bet that you'll make a wonderful mother to a son!
I felt exactly the way you did about boys. Didn't get them, couldn't see myself with one, wanted a girl in the worst way. I've got two boys. I will always feel a bit wistful over the daughter I'll never have, but you at least already have one, so that's not a problem. I think that what helps is to remember that you're not going to give birth to a baseball-playing, rock-throwing, yelling, jumping, truck-obsessed (or whatever it is you picture) BOY. It's going to be a baby. A tiny, little baby who knows nothing about gender roles and just wants to be loved. By the time he is obsessed with trucks (or whatever), you'll already love him and it won't seem so bad.
oh, I'm sorry you're down in the dumps. I was nervous about the possibility of having a boy this time, feeling like it would be different than what I already knew. I'm sure you're going to get a lot of responses telling you that your feelings are inappropriate/ based on stereotypes/ unfair to the child, et cetera... these statements are all probably true, but it didn't stop me from feeling the way I felt. Believe me, as my little girl sits across the room in her underpants, with her stringy hair that she won't let me near with a brush, acting out battle scenes with her rubber dinosaurs, I can't tell you why it would matter to me one way or the other. Most of us here are pretty forward-thinking women who know that children are defined by what's in their heads and chests, not their pants, but I guess those gender-stereotypes are buried in us all.
What's so funny is that as nervous as I was about having a boy, when we saw those labia on the screen it was almost anticlimactic... like I suddenly realized that I was being given the comfort of the familiar over the excitement of the new... and all of a sudden I find myself wanting a boy!

mehndi mama, I KNOW you're right, the personality comes from the person, not the gender. I KNOW you're right, but still...
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I, too, initally wanted another girl b/c I "know" girls. Boys are so strange to me, lol.

But...we just knew from day one that this was a boy. No surprise when U/S confirmed that.

But now I'm excited. It will be a whole new experience.

Just remember how you felt the day they handed you your firstborn. You'll feel the same way about your little man!
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I understand! After having 4 girls in a row, thinking maybe dh couldn't make boys, we found out our 5th was a boy. I was shocked and almost started crying. I didn't know what I would do with a boy! I remember feeling so shocked and didn't say a word on the way home from the U/S. Dh was so happy and of course I was happy for him, it was only fair, I had 4 girls. When I had my son I fell head over heal in love. I love him to pieces!
Well my 6th and 7th turned out to be boys and I love them to pieces too! It all seems silly now, the way I felt then, but I guess it didn't at the time.
Now after 3 boys in a row I'm hoping for another
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I felt the same way! No brothers, no uncles, etc. It just seemed like a foreign world to me. Then, like everyone else who posted, I had my little boy and everything changed. I'm pregnant again and would now be equally happy with a boy or a girl.

Sorry, no advice, but I do sympathize!
i totally understand.

i feel guilty for wanting a girl this time.

i have three boys and i had not planned on becoming pregnant again. it is rather awful timing from my perspective. nevertheless, i am celebrating this life.

i have been mourning the loss of the ideal mother-daughter relationship that always makes me cry in movies. i know that having a daughter wouldn't guarantee me any of that gilmore girls sap anyway.

i think the tough thing for me might be dealing with other people. if u/s reveals boy i'll never hear the end of "hopin for a girl?" and i'll have to say, "happy to have a little boy again this time too.." with a little unstated frustration and sadness.

you might have the opposite problem with strangers saying "one of each, that's great...the perfect family" (meaning you've got your two kids now stop)

i know it isn't very popular to admit that you really wanted a differently-sexed babe, but i'm glad you're dealing with it.

mourn it for as long as you wish....
i wish you the best. congrats on your baby.
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I'm not pregnant with number 2 (yet, we're trying
) but had to add my two cents....I was so hoping for a girl the first time around and knew I had to get the ultrasound to find out what Sprout was so that I'd have time to adjust mentally. I grew up with sisters, and my mom had all sisters, so I kinda expected for some dumb reason that I'd have all girls too even though I know that's not the way it works. It was a big adjustment, and I'm glad I had that time during pregnancy to accept it so that the birth day was completely joyful with no twinge of disappointment.

But after I adjusted mentally, and especially once ds arrived - there was no question it was a head-over-heels falling-in-love thing. Now, he does have more energy than I know how to deal with some days and is showing a deep-rooted obsession with construction vehicles and airplanes that many would say is "all boy" but you know what? It's kinda cool to read all the picture books about backhoes etc. and to hear him chirp BAKhooo BAKhooo BAKHOOOO MOMMY from the backseat as we pass a construction site. It's expanded my horizons (especially in the realm of heavy earth-moving machinery).

And he is such a sweet snuggle bunny - I really couldn't love him more if I tried, and I wouldn't trade him for the cutest little girl in the entire world (although I'd be happy to be her mommy the next time around).

It's OK to be disappointed, but know that you will love your son just as much as you love your daughter!

(Oh, and BTW, please don't circumcise him - he will be born perfect just the way he is! Check out my siggie for more info if you need it.)
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I completely understand how you are feeling, only I am freaked out about the possibility of having a girl!

I grew up with only boys... I have six brothers and my best friends are boys. I don't know what I am going to do with a girl!

I found out the sex of my first because I didn't want a girl and if he was a she I wanted to be prepared! I was so afraid of having only girls. If this one is a girl (we didn't find out this time) I am not sure if I want a third child, just because I am afraid of having two girls! I know this is horrible and I am sure if I have a daughter I will love her to pieces... but until I have her (if I do) then I will be afraid.

And if I never have a daughter I am sure I will also mourn the loss of that classic mother-daughter relationship, like I have with my mom.
Honey you are NORMAL!!!!! Believe me!!

I wanted girls girls girls!!
Maybe because I never had a sister & maybe because I grew up with lots of amazing women. I really can't say why.

I got a girl the first time & then I wanted another girl becasue I wanted Anna to have a sister. Everyone thought Sophia was gonna be a boy & would tell me all the time.....I would actually get pissed!! :LOL Like, "STOP SAYING THAT OR IT REALLY IS GONNA BE A BOY!!"

When I was pregnant with number 3, I just knew it was a boy instinctually. I would cry at night & tell my DH how I really wanted to have another girl~~how I didn't understand boys~~I hated sports~~I hate boys clothes!!~and on & on & on!! My DH would giggle & try to comfort me.

SURE ENOUGH! Henry J was born! I swear it took me a whole year to get used to seeing a penis when I changed his diaper!!:LOL But he is my little man & I adore hime & he holds a special place in my heart as my sweet son. I even buy him trucks & play basketball with him~~go figure!

I am pregnant again with number 4 & if I had my druthers, I guess I would have another girl. But if God gives me a son, & Henry a brother, then he'll take his place in my heart with the other three.

You can wish for whatever you want but you will always love what you get!
Don't feel guilty! We have all been there!
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I second the notion that you are totally normal. My friend is pg with boy #3 and is rreeeeallly disappointed - they did Shettles method for #2 AND #3 too (in fact, #3 was conceived by GIO FOUR - YES FOUR - days before O!). Oops! Anyway, she's so glad she found out now, before b-day.

I had B/G twins the first go-round and you would think I wouldn't care what the gender is this time, right, at least that's what everyone tells me: "You already have one of each"
But I still do care, sort of! I find myself wanting a girl for this reason or that, and other times, just as strongly wishing it's a boy.

I think these feelings are completely normal, so don't worry that it will have any impact whatsoever on your love/acceptance of the little bundle when he arrives!

Congratulations BTW!!
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I completely understand how you feel. When we had our ultra sound and found out the baby was a boy I cryed for 3 days mourning the loss of a baby girl. Silly I know, but I had planned my whole life to have a baby girl first and give her the middle name of Elaine. I am the 3rd generation in my family as the oldest child with the middle name Elaine. Even now I "just know" the next one will be a boy too. (Of course we are not planning to TTC for a couple more years so things may change.) I needed that 4 months before DS birth to wrap my head around the thought of a boy.

I love DS with all my heart but what I'm going to do with a boy teenager I still have no idea. When he's 30 I'll proably look back and laugh at myself that I ever worried about it.
And I thought it was just me...
We found out on Friday (two days ago) that we're having a boy, and my heart is so heavy, and I am so sad that "he" is not a "she". From before we even got pregnant, all of my imagery was with a girl. All along I thought I would get to mother a girl. And EVERYONE around me validated my girl thoughts and said they thought I was having a girl.

When the u/s tech showed us the picture, I just thought, "please, let her be wrong."

I cried that afternoon, which I tried not to let dh see, but he had planned a celebration dinner and I couldn't keep it in. And then I felt even worse, and felt GUILTY for being so disappointed. And now, I'm still crying, and I feel so bad about it.

It is so hard, and I am actually so sorry that we did find out, because I know that as soon as I see him, I'll fall in love, but that for now, I just worry that I won't love him (yes, this is how off-the-charts-irrational I am right now), and that I won't be a good mom to him.

What totally blew me away was how my mood went from pure bliss about being pregnant to an indifference. I'm hardly even excited about it today, which is totally unlike how I've felt on nearly every other day of my pregnancy. This is our first baby and I've wanted to get pregnant for nearly two years, but we waited until dh was also ready.

Since yesterday I've been trying to figure out who I could talk to about this, and pour my feelings out to, but I don't want to tell anyone who may someday tell my sweet son how I felt in the first few days (this bitterness and disappointment better depart quickly!).

So thanks for letting me vent!
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Ahh Selema.. I'm sorry you feel so sad.
I have three boys. I think I wanted a boy first (hard to remember.. that was six years ago!) and got my boy. With my second, I kinda wanted a girl, but knew if it wasn't a girl, dh would probably let me have one more baby (I wanted lots of babies.. at first he only wanted two). Second child was a boy too. By kid number three, I really wanted a girl. It was a boy. LOL

And now I'm pregnant with our last child.. number four. I don't know the gender yet, but will find out if possible via u/s. At this point, I don't really believe it will be a girl. It does seem like some families only make one gender, and I think I've made peace with the fact that I make boys. I was pretty sad when we found out our third child was a boy, but not because HE was a boy, but because I wasn't going to have a girl. Does that make any sense? I knew I'd love him for him, but it was the dream of having a daughter that I was mourning.

I think that if you can separate that in your mind, you can allow yourself to fall in love with your little boy yet allow yourself to feel sad for the little girl you're not having. I know that if I find out I'm having a fourth son, I will rejoice in his coming, but will fully allow (without guilt!!!) myself to cry over the dreams I've had about having a daughter that wont come true.

And when it comes down to it, I'll just have to repeat to myself the phrase that I've taught my little boys from day one.. "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit."

edd #4 2/11/05
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I too feel the same way, but opposite. I am terrified by the idea of having little girls, specifically teenage and adolescent little girls. I know i will love them jsut as much but iwould be much more comfortable with boys. they are whati am familiar with. you are normak mama i'm sure you will love any boy you have just as much

Hugs to you mama!! I wanted to show you my boy Henry

As I said in earlier post, I wanted another girl very very badly. As you can see, I got a pretty nice alternative!:LOL

Be gentle with yourself & don't feel guilty! Many of us have been there!
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I felt the same way - first time, I didn't care, but when my ds turned out to be the dearest, sweetest, most sensitive little boy, I was so happy to have a boy! Then with my second pregnancy, I got scared that I might have another boy, and that the chances of having a tender boy again were small and that I might end up with a very aggressive, boyish boy. I was pleased to find out it's a girl, actually, but who knows, maybe she'll be the aggressive one. Gender assumptions are so strong. I am still preparing myself for the possibility that the u/s was wrong - but I do agree it is tough to imagine the gender you didn't want.

Let yourself grieve, thank goodness pregnancy is a full 9 months so you can work all this out. Thinking in terms of personality rather than gender really helps. But I have to say that there is nothing sweeter than the mother/son relationship. We're very connected.
You know, this isn't a judgement on anyone, but when you find out the sex of the baby when he/she is born, you don't have time to be "upset" or "disappointed". The joy/ elation of holding a newborn in your arms who you've been waiting for for 9 (or more) months is unlike anything else.

While I wanted a daughter (and may still get one), I was thrilled when my sons were born, because I had just given birth and was ecstatic. I never had any chance to not be thrilled.

Just my opinion!
I did not want to know the gender of my children after the first. With the first I didn't care, but with each one after I wanted a girl. 3 boys in a row. We were told with #2 about him being a boy about 2 weeks before he was born and I was crushed. DH said if it was a boy we were completely done, but a girl we could try again. (famous last words) and they were so close together I thought a girl would be better.

I am so glad I never was given a choice as to what kind of baby to get. I love my sons to pieces and wouldn't change a thing. Now with this one I think it is a girl, but I do secretly hope it is a boy.
Another little boy to play with, NOT circ, snuggle. But even if it was a girl all those same things would apply. I never wanted boys at all. Not a one, wanted 2 girls.

I think back to how crushed I was with #2. I was already depressed, huge, post dates, mad to be told. But when he was born it was ok. Still had PPD, but a boy was fine. #3 I figured was a boy but wanted to wait. #4 I was so shocked he was a boy. But it was when they were born and it didn't matter.

No one IRL can understand why i wouldn't find out before hand. The fear of being upset even for a minute is what keeps me from learning the secret before I have a babe in arms.
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