[samy23]

At a young age, it all seems great and easy to be close and have a great relationship with my child, but I worry about when she gets older and is a teenager and an adult, that as she will have her own life to lead, and won't need her mom so much, that we might not have a very good/close relationship anymore.

Does anyone else worry about this? Or have any thoughts on it?

 

[lifeguard]

I try not to worry about things too far in advance - lol. But I do sometimes wonder when I hear someone doesn't speak to their mother what went wrong. Right now we are each other's world & it's hard to imagine it changing that drastically.

 

[Red Pajama]

I do a lot of reading on parenting topics. Two that seem specifically about this are Hold On To Your Kids and Home Court Advantage. Both are about building lasting, meaningful relationships with children, starting young.

You probably would find quite a bit in the library. I'm always surprised by what I find that I never knew was there.

 

[JBaxter]

no because Im there with 2 of mine.
My advice...

Talk with your kids vs TO your kids from a young age dont use the term We'll see to mean no. Find your fine line of being involved vs being to nosey. Parenting is hard and means saying no sometimes but telling them why ( they pretend to not understand but they do)

I have a few things with my older 2 that give them a free pass... If they are at a party and there is drinking they can call me with no questions asked to come get them. <EVEN if they have been drinking> Now if the free pass is used OFTEN we will have to re-evaluate

We have discussed sex , love , relationships . Dont get me wrong we have disagreements but they are all able to be worked out.

 

[Latte Mama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by samy23 At a young age, it all seems great and easy to be close and have a great relationship with my child, but I worry about when she gets older and is a teenager and an adult, that as she will have her own life to lead, and won't need her mom so much, that we might not have a very good/close relationship anymore. Does anyone else worry about this? Or have any thoughts on it?

Oh yes I most certainly do think about this. I also work in community health and happen to meet many people that have no contact with their family and I always wonder what went wrong. I have a really great relationship with my Mom and I want that for my son and I.

I so enjoy the snuggly baby time that is happening now and I know that it will change

but I do want us to remain close. I'm going to have to start reading up on this. I don't want to be "that" mom that never hears from her adult son.

 

[victoriaaustin]

I definitely think about it, especially because my own relationships with my parents are strained. I don't have a magic plan yet, but I'm with you.

 

[SweetPotato]

My dd is only little still (hooray for cuddles!), but I recently read Hold on to Your Kids, and it was FANTASTIC! I went right out and bought a copy after realizing how many bookmarks I had put in the library copy (big deal- I'm very cheap and strictly a library girl)-- but I realized that I wanted to make sure that I reference it again and again as dd grows older. It has lots of really good info on the importance of maintaining the parent/child bond and some concrete ideas of ways to do so.

 

[Violet2]

Oh yes. I tutor kids and see lots of kids completely disconnected from their parents. I'm working with a girl right now who has a great mom but they can't stand each other--it is so sad.

My mom and I don't get along at all but there are some serious issues and history there, not typical parent child stuff.

I just hope if I'm emotionally healthy that things will work out. I tend not to be dysfunctional in my personal relationships, but we'll see. It's heart-wringing.

V

 

[sewchris2642]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBaxter no because Im there with 2 of mine. My advice... Talk with your kids vs TO your kids from a young age dont use the term We'll see to mean no. Find your fine line of being involved vs being to nosey. Parenting is hard and means saying no sometimes but telling them why ( they pretend to not understand but they do) I have a few things with my older 2 that give them a free pass... If they are at a party and there is drinking they can call me with no questions asked to come get them. <EVEN if they have been drinking> Now if the free pass is used OFTEN we will have to re-evaluate We have discussed sex , love , relationships . Dont get me wrong we have disagreements but they are all able to be worked out.

: I've seen parents who, as their kids become teens, tighten up the parental strings instead of loosening them. All out of fear. By allowing the teens to safely make decisions, parents will more likely segue into a generational friendship. The teen years are the time to step back and become a behind the scene safety net.

 

[Caneel]

I worry about it and the main focus of my worry is DH, who will have a harder time letting a teen be a teen.

 

[jeteaa]

I have a strained relationship w/ my mom, and do not talk at all w/ my dad. But I come from a divorced family, so there are so many issues that it can't be pin pointed down to one thing. But I can give perspective from dh childhood/current relationship w/ his mom. They had a healthy relationship up until hd turned 18, graduated from school and moved out of the family home. At that point he was ready and able to be his own person, run his own life etc. His mom did not see it that way. By her not letting go of him when it was time, she in the long run pushed him away. Not he seldom talks to her, won't return her calls, etc.

 

[LynnS6]

No. I have a great relationship with my parents. I have older sibs who have grown children (2 completely grown, 2 in college, 1 in high school), and they have great relationships with their kids.

The bottom line is that you need to treat your children with respect. Love will get you a long ways, but respect will carry you through to adulthood.

Note, my parents weren't perfect. My sibs aren't perfect parents. I'm certainly not a perfect parent. It's not about perfection. It's about love and respect. It's about grounding them in your unconditional love, setting boundaries that you gradually loosen as they grow older and demonstrate their ability to handle making their own decisions as they are ready.

The adage I like best is that as a parent, what you're trying to do is work yourself out of a job.

 

[simplemama32]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifeguard Right now we are each other's world & it's hard to imagine it changing that drastically.

This is how I feel. I know one day he won't need or want me as much as he does now, and while (yay!) that will hopefully mean I've done my job as a parent, I'm already terrified of having to let go.

I have an absolutely wonderful relationship with my parents, but as a teen, I still did more than my fair share of eye rolls, talking back, and all the "usual" annoying teenage behavior. When I think about that, and then I look at my sweet little one who loves to give cuddles and kisses...and then imagine those teenage years ahead...<shudder> I just hope I can handle it with some semblance of grace and retain my sanity!

:

 

[pokeyrin]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LynnS6 No. I have a great relationship with my parents. I have older sibs who have grown children (2 completely grown, 2 in college, 1 in high school), and they have great relationships with their kids. The bottom line is that you need to treat your children with respect. Love will get you a long ways, but respect will carry you through to adulthood. Note, my parents weren't perfect. My sibs aren't perfect parents. I'm certainly not a perfect parent. It's not about perfection. It's about love and respect. It's about grounding them in your unconditional love, setting boundaries that you gradually loosen as they grow older and demonstrate their ability to handle making their own decisions as they are ready. The adage I like best is that as a parent, what you're trying to do is work yourself out of a job.

: Lynn hit it dead on when she said "treat them with respect" and "respect will carry you through to adulthood".

Another thing: don't make your child feel that they are responsible for your happiness.

 

[meemee]

i think all the major points have already been covered.

it takes two to have a relationship. i would love to have a relationship with dd when seh is in her teens. but i dont expect it.

i may do all the right things. however it is her choice too.

and so i live my way the best that i can. the rest is up to her.

i remember talks with my parents where i have accused them of something. and then i find it was all a misunderstanding. all these years of hurt feelings was nothing. yet they were trying their best.

i tell my dd she never has to love me because i am her mother. i have to earn that love. in the same vein i tell her i always love and care about her, yet there are moments when i dont want to be around her. honesty i guess.

these days depending on where you live, there is soooo much pp on kids that if my teen dd decides mom is hte uncoolest person on earth, so be it. its her decision. and i will respect that.

 

[Storm Bride]

I worried about it a little when ds1 was a young child. I don't really worry, anymore. DS1 and I are quite close, and I think he's a great kid. He also makes good choices (usually). I have no idea how things will go with my others, but I'll find out when I get there. The journey with ds1 took a lot of unexpected twists and turns (divorced his dad, only child until he was 10, etc.), but I like where we are on the road right now. I hope the same happens with my other three...but what will be, will be. I lost my fourth baby at birth, and even if things come apart with dd1, ds2 and dd2 in their teens, I'll still have had all this time with them before that. I treasure this time, and try not to worry too much about the future, yk?

 

[primjillie]

I have three grown children, so I've been there. Yes, respect them as they grow, but don't try too hard to be their friend. They still need a parent, even if they don't realize it. They need boundaries and curfews (even if they are general) and parents who do check up on them. They pretend they are grown up, but deep inside they are looking for someone to say "no" when they can't, due to peer pressure, etc. I have had to be the bad guy more times than I can count, but at this point, my kids are best friends. They will yell and rage at you when you are the bad guy, but they will respect you in the end, because you cared enough to stop them when they were going down the wrong path. Sure, there are a lot of life lessons they have to learn themselves, but they do count on us to be there for them. Teenage years were hard for me, but we weathered them out and I am humbled they are such great adults.

 

[Belia]

I worry about this all the time.

I work in a high school, and I see so many teens whose behavior terrifies me. From kids who cannot function without an MP3 player in their ear and a text message on their phone, which is just annoying, to kids who drink and use drugs and drive like idiots and ditch school all the time, which is downright deadly. And the parents, for whatever reason, have been totally unable to affect change in their children.

Then I look at my family and the relationship sons have with their mothers. DH and I are so much closer with my parents, because I work at that relationship. DH will go weeks without contacting his folks.... it just doesn't cross his mind. It's like he's done with that relationship and even getting him to mark events like Mother's Day or birthdays is SUCH an imposition to him. Same with both BILs- DH's brother and my sister's husband. Same with several cousins. The wife's family becomes the primary extended family, and the husband's family fades away.

I dread the thought that my beautiful, sweet-natured boy could become a self-centered, short-sighted, cruel adult. I would be heartbroken to be an afterthought to my DS.

 

[ChetMC]

I think about it sometime. Mostly, I try to take notes regarding the relationship I have with my own parents and the relationship that DH has with his parents... what's good and what's bad, what I want to foster and what I want to avoid. I try to prepare for the relationship we have with our kids to change as they grow.

 

[Storm Bride]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Belia I worry about this all the time. I work in a high school, and I see so many teens whose behavior terrifies me. From kids who cannot function without an MP3 player in their ear and a text message on their phone, which is just annoying, to kids who drink and use drugs and drive like idiots and ditch school all the time, which is downright deadly. And the parents, for whatever reason, have been totally unable to affect change in their children.

I'm not sure what this has to do with the OP. I didn't drive, but I drank and did drugs in high school. I didn't ditch classes very often (not at all in grades 9, 10 or 11, and only near the end of grade 12). My mother was "unable to effect change" in me. She and I are very close, and didn't even fight that much when I was a teen. There were a few flare-ups, but it wasn't really my parents I was having trouble coping with.