would this bug you?

I think one beer alone after people have gone to bed is fine. But, is there something that makes him think he has to hide it? Do you drink? Has he had problems with drinking in the past? Have you said anything like "it's fine if you drink, and you don't need to wait until we go to bed to buy/drink it."

Maybe he likes the evening ritual of going out to by beer and then coming home and having one.

My dh drinks a beer or two quite late at night almost every night. It doesn't bother me at all. I certainly don't think my husband (or yours, based on the little information I know but you wrote "an occasional beer") has an alcohol problem. I think it's just his way of winding down, of taking time for himself, and enjoying a chance to relax after everyone is resting at the end of the day. I think that, for my husband, he is always so busy taking care of all of us and doing 'stuff' all the time that he can only allow himself to take 'me time' after we are all in bed.

I love him for that.

I don't know your husband, obviously, but it doesn't sound to me as if he has a problem. It DOES sound a bit odd that he "buys it after everyone has gone to bed". I don't understand that, he only purchases one beer at a time? Or he only ever buys his six-packs after everyone is in bed? Maybe he wants to shield your children from seeing him with beer?

we both used to drink, quite a bit at times. and he has tried to hide his drinking, though we were living in my parents attic while he was out of work and depressed about it.

he used to drink to get to sleep. i have never thought this was sound reasoning as he just stayed up to finish whatever he was drinking, the 40oz, 6-pack, bottle of wine. he would end up staying up until 4, 5, 6 in the morning and sleeping all day. since i had lots of help with the baby, i let it slide. his contract at work is coming to an end and he might not have somethng lined up directly... i'm afraid of him falling back into old habits. i won't put up with the staying up all night, sleeping all day pity party.

but i don't know if that's the problem. if it would come to that again.

alcahol was not well handled, shall we say, in his house growing up so i think shielding dd from drinking plays into it to.

my fears are the biggest thing for me. i don't know how to explain them to him. i've tried. he quit buying beer in front of me.

thanks for your thoughts.

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If you haven't said the above type thing to him, maybe recently, maybe you should. I read your second post and understand there's some history behind the issue that makes is extra scary for you...but I would still, at this point, get it across to him that beer in and of itself isn't "bad", and him wantign to have one at night after everyone is asleep isn't wrong, and there's no reason for him to be hiding it...that him seemingly hiding it is more worrisome to you than if he would just be open about it.

Then again, if that's not really the case, and it does bother you because of his history and because of the potential stress he might be in if he doesn't have anything immediate after his current contract, I think you owe it to both of you to be honest and get that out on the table. Not necessarily to guilt him into stopping drinking, but to let him know that you will not be OK with things going back the way they were before when they were more out of control, you know?

Hope this helps, at least a little.

Well, if it were one beer, and he stayed up 30 minutes or an hour past when you went to bed to drink it, I don't think that would bother me.

If it were six beers, or he stayed up til 5:00 a.m. to drink them, THAT would bother me a lot!

The part I think is the oddest is that he won't buy it in front of you. It isn't illegal. Not buying or drinking it in front of you means he thinks you consider it a problem so he is hiding it. I agree with you that THAT is the problem...

I can see, though, that he is responding to you questioning it before. Sometimes guys overreact. I hate that.

I think I would try to have a calm conversation about having A beer in the evening, while everyone is up, is ok with you. Buying a six pack while doing the regular grocery shopping is a good idea I think. I wouldn't like the hiding aspect most of all. If there is an alcohol problem, that will need to be addressed but I can't tell - one post I'll think no, then another I'll think yes. What is your gut feeling? Is it an alcohol problem or a communication problem?

one beer a night 'generally' wouldnt be self medication for a man....

My self medication when I was depressed was a pint of 151.... but lets just thank God that is behind me.

Dont know, I agree with ya on the communication thing, but I don't know about self medication.

get that communication working so you don't 'possibly' read into things that may not be there.

And try to take him at his face value when he says something.

unless of course you have serious reason for believing that he isn't being honest. then go with your gut.

anyways, i am a walking contradiction.
-Good Luck

I've been where you are. I know it is hard to start this conversation w/ DP. For me, it was hard, because I knew in my heart DP wasn't staying up to have 1 beer. It was actually a couple beers and some whiskey. He thought he was over his heavy drinking period, but he wasn't. And, like a true alcoholic he liked to drink alone.

It took as a few years...and we're still working on it. He seriously started AA 1 1/2 years ago and that made a huge difference in my life.

to you.

All I can suggest is talking to him calmly when the time is right...when you both are alone w/out baby and calmly explain your worries and fears.

Good luck to you! I hope that your DP's one beer a night is nothing to worry about.

I meant to send a hug.
I hope it works this time: