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DH came home early for the first time in a long long time (7:00). I was expecting some sort of break or even to spend time with him, he spent about 2 hours eating and cooking for himself (i dont eat the same things he does, but I usually cook anyway) watching tv in the bedroom<br><br>
The whole time DD was crying and fussy I had to ask him to take her so that I can eat the canned soup that I made while holding her and then she cried and I ended up eating my soup while holding her and singing<br><br>
Now at 9:30 he went to bed EARLY because he's feeling sick and has a long day tomorrow as if I dont<br><br>
Then we argued for 30 minutes because he wants me to say "honey I know youre not feeling well and you have a long week working hard, why dont you go to bed" and I said F you Im not your mother, grow up and get over it and spend time with your child so that your wife who never ever ever gets a break can take a shower!<br><br>
ERRRRRRRRRRRR<br><br>
I know its not worth trying to explain or talking or arguing cause the bottom line is he does whatever he wants anyway and he doesnt really care how I feel. The only way this would get through to him is if I put the baby down and left for the night or something but with bfing and cosleeping (her and I while he gets a great night sleep in a room across the hall) that would never happen....<br><br>
O did I mention its my b day thursday?<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> o wah I know haha Im sure it's all normal I dont know why tonight its really making me mad, normally I would just let it go and think in my head that he'll pay for this when she's older. I told him tonight that he only has a month or two before she crawls around behind him and demands his attn and then if he ignores her he's just totally heartless<br>
But when she's 2,3,4 who knows I will be able to take my nreak by just leaving the house whether he likes it or not!
 

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This would make me mad.<br><br>
I'm having some similar issues with my DH, but not quite the same thing because unlike you, I did keep on him about picking up on his responsibilities at home to me and our kids until he actually changed his behavior.<br><br>
DH still goes to bed at least 3 hours before I do, even though I have to get up at the same time in the morning as he does so I can take him to work.<br><br>
DH also comes and goes without any thought to who will be taking care of the kids and the house because it is expected that *I* will do it. Of course, if I just grabbed my purse and walked up to him and said, "I'm going over to so-and-so's for a while" without pretense, he'd totally be beside himself.<br><br>
I know you're frustrated, but this is something that cannot just be put on the back burner or dismissed by you as not worth discussing because he isn't going to change. You need to talk to him about these issues, otherwise, you're basically giving him permission to continue behaving inappropriately.<br><br>
I'm sorry, mama, that you didn't have any help tonight.
 

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I don't think it's "normal". Common, maybe, but "normal" to see that your partner NEEDS you and ignore her and watch TV? Nope, not normal!<br><br>
Don't dismiss your anger -- it is valid.
 

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sounds like my husband. the only difference is that he is in the military and if i piss him off or he wants to do his own thing and ignore us he just takes off and goes to the base!! and then i cant find him or know what he is doing....maybe it atleast makes you feel better that you can go in the room he is in and yell in his face!!! (probably not though...)
 

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I don't think it's normal. My DH usually leaves for work at about 7 and gets home around 6. We then eat as a family, he changes out of his dress clothes and takes over the care of our 2 year old.<br><br>
A lot of husbands seem to think that moms don't need a break and it's completely fine to be home in the evening and not spend an ounce of time with their children. That ideal to me, belongs firmly back in the 40's and 50's. They need to have an active role in parenting. Yep, they're tired, they worked all day, but so have you, and with nursing and AP, you're working well into the night too.<br><br>
I think you need to sit down and think about how much of this you're willing to tolerate, and then sit down with DH when you're not angry and have a frank discussion with him about his role. Even get mediation in terms of a family counsellor, or pastor, or social worker. It's so important developmentally that parents in the home take an active interest in childreading and not just sit like a lump and ignore their children.
 

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Ugh! Abnormal to me and unacceptable, too.<br><br>
What is UP with moms being stuck with the nighttime parenting? A spouse working outside the home and one working in it log at least the same hours each day, and often the SAH partner logs more. So the idea that one person is the point person ALL night, EVERY night just baffles me!<br><br>
We're going on our fourth kid here, so admittedly we must have some sort of rhythm. Anyway, with our first, dh did most of the nighttime parenting (ds1 was bottle-fed). I was injured in the birth and dh could see that I needed the uninterrupted sleep. With dd, our first ebf child, he took her from the bassinet next to the bed, changed her diaper (cloth in the middle of the night, lol, many a morning I would find poop streaks on her legs from sleepy daddy), gave her to me to nurse, and then returned her to her bassinet when she was done, or just held her in his arms while we all went back to sleep. See, he can fall asleep in less than a minute, and it takes me 20+ to settle down, so it seemed logical to him that he would be the one to get up and move around.<br><br>
Ds2 was born at the same time dh's sleep apnea was diagnosed and he finally got his CPAP to use at night. So *I* took over the nighttime parenting, because dh was already rather ill from the apnea. I wanted him to have at least a month of good, uninterrupted sleep to heal his tired brain and get his body on a useful sleep cycle.<br><br>
So yes, this would make me mad. From what you described, he has no respect for you and no bond with his child. It doesn't sound like you work together at all to parent your children and run your home and your lives. I hope the two of you can come together and change this.
 

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I would be very mad. My DH immediately (before changing out of work clothes) takes over when he gets home. The kids pretty much maul hime when he walks in, though. He doesn't stand a chance<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">. We both agree that the kids come before we do and our spouse comes before that. So, in order it goes: spouse, children, ourselves. He does work very long hours (60-70 hours work weeks), so I know it is a sacrifice for him not to just turn on the TV and zone out. BUT, he does not and I do not. Maybe you could talk about it when you both have time to actually talk without the baby needing your attention (rare, I know <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">), so that you could come up with a plan for these types of nights.<br><br>
As your child gets older, too, she will want more daddy time, and you will be more freed up when she is not so dependent on you. (((HUGS)))
 

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My dh helps out in the evenings, too. He usually gets home about 5:15 or 5:30, and he'll play with ds while I finish supper. We eat together, then he plays with ds more. We all hang around the bathroom while ds bathes, and then I put him to bed.<br><br>
And, on Saturday mornings, dh gets up with ds, and I sleep in until it's time for ds to nurse down for his nap (so about 1.5 hours). It's great sleep. I really look forward to Saturday mornings! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> (Oh, and we started this when ds was a newborn--at that point, he would nurse immediately on awakening, so I'd nurse him, hand him to dh, then I'd wake up for his next feeding, about an hour later. But, still....That hour was great)
 

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I can see if he really felt sick then maybe he's feeling overwhelmed. BUT. I split the after-work care with DH. I figure it's both of our time off, nights and weekends. It's not fair to expect him to take over completely (tho maybe a little bit more than 50% b/c at least it's DIFFERENT from what he did all day and he DOES need his time with his child), but no way am I doing full duty. I think he knows I would go berzerk and he at least wants a sane woman caring for his child <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I'm sorry. I think we've all been there, where things are falling in an unfair balance and we get cranky! I know I feel like that when DH goes to softball or out with his dad and DD decides to be really difficult just for me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I disagree with previous posters. Unless he really never helps with the baby, it sounds like he was tired and not feeling well and just needed to go to bed. When I'm not feeling well, my dh takes care of the kids (other than nursing) and I would do the same for him.<br><br>
As for showering, why not do it in the morning before dh leaves for work? Get up and leave enough time for him to get ready for work and for you to shower too.
 

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My husband is often like this as well. He always comes to the computer and is like " I am working so we can have money" while he looks for odd jobs on craigslist or works on his artwork to sell... I am constantly telling him that thats not what we NEED right now (of course to some extent, but I need HELP here as well) PLUS, I am pregnant with our 2nd and due in Feb, and if we don't start getting our 17 month old more used to being with Daddy now, its gonna be really hard in Feb.. so yeah, I know how you are feeling completely.. good luck and i hope it starts to get better for you...
 

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I am sorry. That all sounds very selfish and uncaring. I know how frustrating it can be when you've had a long day and are fantasizing about the moment your DP walks in so you can escape for a bit...and he's not feeling well, tired, grumpy and focused completely on self-care. I have a DH who shrinks down to a sniveling child when he's sick. It is not fun.<br><br>
*But*, if this is the norm, I don't think it is okay at all. If DH came home and made food for himself without evena thought about the kids and I, I would be pretty upset. It isn't as if he gets to wait to be a DH and father until he's ready, you know? Once he walks in the door, he takes his roll seriously. Can't hide away or ignore the needs of his partner and children.<br><br>
I really hope he isn't this way to you all as a rule. Not acceptable. Men will "be men" so to speak, only as long as they are allowed to do so without accountability...
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/birthday.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="birthday">:<br><br>
Yup, what you described would make me furious. I think you need to find a calm moment (yeah, I know how hard that is!!) to talk with him about your feelings and how hard you work and what you expect of him. And next time he's home 2 hours early, don't expect him to read your mind. Tell him flat out what you need "since you're home earlier than usual, I'll need you to watch DD for at least 20 minutes so I can shower. I'd like it if we can spend time as a family tonight."<br><br>
For today, I want you to enjoy your birthday. Don't expect DH to do or say anything for your birthday- but if he does anything at all take it as a bonus! Don't rely on him to make your birthday special. Do it for yourself!! Take yourself out for lunch, or do take-out, or make plans with a friend- or whatever! It's not the "things" that make the day special, it's how you feel about it.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/birthday.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="birthday">:<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/partytime.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="partytime"> Happy birthday!<br><br>
Id have to say if it was a one day thing chalk it up to him not feeling well. DH had a really bad cold last month and for almost a week I got zero help with the baby (who was also sick). However, after he started feeling better I got sick and he took care of the baby the entire time he was home. Most days he comes home from work and doesn't even make it inside all the way without DD climbing on top of him. During the weekends he usually will take her for a couple of hours in the morning and make breakfest while I sleep or read or shower. He doesn't help with the nighttimes during the week because he has to leave so early (hes out the door between 5 and 530) and gets home late (earliest he gets home is 530-600). I would hate for him to be tired driving and get into an accidents. On the weekends when he is off he will get up with DD if shes fussing during the night and wants to be walked or rocked.<br>
I know how hard it can be sometimes to feel like you are the only one taking care of the children. When hubbie is out in the field or deployed somewhere and I have the baby without help I feel so overwhelmed.<br><br>
I hope you have a great birthday.
 
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