[lovbeingamommy]

DS is three and recently I've found out that one set of grandparents is taking him in their vehicle to a variety of different places that I have not been made aware of...at all for the past month. I had no idea that they even had an appropriate booster seat in their vehicle

It seems like it's all been done rather secretively and this concerns me.

My understanding was that DS was being cared for at their house throughout the day. Of course, I knew that they would take him on walks and to the community park - no problem there.

When I recently found out he was being transported all around the city I became a little upset and several issues started going through my mind like what if an accident occured - the grandparents do not have legal authority to consent to any emergency treatment, right? Wouldn't they need to have a notarized letter from us consenting to allow/or disallow certain procedures? Should I be concerned about this or am I over-reacting?

I am the parent and personally don't feel comfortable with my DS being transported in a vehicle without my prior approval to know where and when he's going to be somewhere.

The other set of grandparents (my parents) respect my wishes and do not transport my son in their vehicle. They take him on walks to the part and do plenty of fun things at their home and that's how I like it. Maybe I'm too concerned, but I guess that's what I'm here to figure out - help!!

 

[RockStarMom]

If any caregiver was driving my child around without my consent I would probably not leave my child in their care again, relative or not. That shows a complete lack of judgment or respect on their part to a degree that isn't excusable, in my opinion. The other thing that is alarming is the secrecy--when I pick up my daughter from any caregiver, I expect to hear about her day, and deliberately leaving out the fact that a child was taken out somewhere throws up red flags big time.
And a 3 year old shouldn't even be in a booster seat, they need a 5-point carseat. If someone drove my 3 year old in anything else, I would be absolutely livid.

 

[RomanGoddess]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovbeingamommy DS is three and recently I've found out that one set of grandparents is taking him in their vehicle to a variety of different places that I have not been made aware of...at all for the past month.

Where exactly have they been taking him? I suppose if they were taking him to the store while they got some errands done, I would not mind (although I do think that this should be discussed before).

 

[BunniMummi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by RomanGoddess Where exactly have they been taking him? I suppose if they were taking him to the store while they got some errands done, I would not mind (although I do think that this should be discussed before).

Yeah, for me it would depend a lot on where and how often we are talking about. In the case of an accident I would imagine that it would be exactly the same as if something happened in the home. I believe that emergency treatments are given automatically unless special instructions are known about.

I think I would ask for them to let me know if they were going to be out of the house but I'm not sure I would cause too much of a fuss about my kids being taken around on errands occasionally. Provided they had a properly installed seat in the car and I didn't have any serious worries about their driving that is.

 

[Friday13th]

I'd be outraged if my 3 year old was in a booster and my rule is that I have to install whatever carseat DS is going to be riding in and go over how to properly buckle him in before anyone drives anywhere with him.

 

[mumkimum]

I think I'd be most irritated about not getting told, and then about having a proper carseat (or not) agewise/installation wise. That said, I'd make a bigger stink to them about the carseat appropriateness (as a bigger safety issue) before dealing with why they didn't bother to let me know about driving around.

You're not overreacting. No matter who your kid is with, you have a right to know where they actually are, yk? It's not a big deal if someone says "I'm going to go out grocery shopping with kid" and they actually also stop to get ice cream too and didn't tell you. But saying "Yeah, we're at home all day" and going out instead (or giving that impression) is a bit of a different story.

 

[SuzyLee]

I would be upset about the carseat issue.

The other thing is I ask my DCP everyday what they did that day so if various car trips were kept mum I would consider that lieing by omission.

However I do think it is unreasonable for you to not let them take your child anywhere in a car (assuming they have the appropriate car seat). If you don't want him in the car at all I would switch to a different childcare arrangement, like a center. It isn't fair to ask your IL's not to drive anywhere just because they are watching your son.

 

[2xy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuzyLee I would be upset about the carseat issue. The other thing is I ask my DCP everyday what they did that day so if various car trips were kept mum I would consider that lieing by omission. However I do think it is unreasonable for you to not let them take your child anywhere in a car (assuming they have the appropriate car seat). If you don't want him in the car at all I would switch to a different childcare arrangement, like a center. It isn't fair to ask your IL's not to drive anywhere just because they are watching your son.

All of the above.

Assuming there is a safe carseat involved, I would be thrilled if my kids' grandparents wanted to take them places. Maybe it's because my kids have never had the pleasure of living near their grandparents.

No matter if they drive him around or not, they should still be given the authority to consent to medical care for your son if they watch him routinely. He could still be hurt at the park or in their home.

 

[chaoticzenmom]

It would not upset me, but I'd want some guidelines followed. NO leaving my child in the car for even a second to go pay for gas. Use a car seat. Also, I'd want to know what kind of driver the grandparents are....I wouldn't let my dad get on the hwy with my kids because he doesn't pay attention.

 

[askew]

For me, I would be most concerned about the car seat or lack thereof. Second for not telling you.

 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Saw this on new posts

As far as medical treatment and consent, I used to be a lifeguard so I was around kids all the time both supervised and unsupervised. When the parent isn't around and the child is a minor its considered "assumed consent" and treatment can be given without a parents consent. Same as when an adult is unconscious and can't give consent for themselves.

That being said, if there are treatments that you don't want given (allergy to medication, religious beliefs, etc) the grandparents should have authority to make those decisions when the child is in their care - OR in the case of allergy's your child should wear a bracelet that notify's medical personel about the allergy - ESPECIALLY if it is a life threatening allergy. This is good for when the child is with you also b/c then if you are unconscious or otherwise incapacitated the child will be well cared for.

 

[BoringTales]

Were they purposely not telling you? Like, did you ask, 'So what did you guys do today?" and they left out anything having to do with taking him somewhere in a vehicle?

If there was deliberate omissions going on, I'd be upset. I once found out from my 4 year old that his Grandpa took him 'to the store' in his truck, with NO carseat. I was furious. They are from a different time and going 'just down the road a mile or two' or 'down the block' is no big deal for them. Back when they had their kids, there WEREN'T car seats.

We had another incident after that going 'down the block' with no carseats. It was made VERY clear that was not acceptable. NO distance without proper carseats is ok for my kids. Now I install the carseats myself and make sure I know which vehicle they will be driving every time they have the kids, which is rare. It doesn't help the situation that my SIL (their daughter) is very lax about car seats.

Anyway, figure out what the intent was. Figure out if the booster or car seat they are using is up to your standards. Let them know you'd like to be told in advance what the plans for the day are. Go over your non-negotiable safety rules (no leaving kids alone in vehicle, always hold hands in parking lot, etc, or whatever YOUR rules are). Don't burn any bridges if otherwise they have a good loving relationship with your child.

 

[~Megan~]

I would talk to them. They are, perhaps, not thinking of it in the same way that you do. To them it might not seem like a big deal and they may not understand your wishes. Explain to them what you want to happen and see how they react. If they are respectful then you can trust them but if they are not then you know you can't leave your child with them anymore.

 

[limabean]

I can totally understand your being upset, although it might just be a miscommunication thing -- some people need expectations clearly stated, even about stuff that might seem like common sense to you or me. How often do your ILs watch him? How often do your parents watch him?

 

[lovbeingamommy]

Each set of grandparents watch DS one day a week while I work p/t mostly because I need benefits for myself and my DS

. A few posters asked where they were taking him and apparently it's pre-planned day trips to nearby cities. What completely amazes me is DH KNEW

: about this and purposely kept this information from me since he felt I would not approve of certain outings, which I may or may not have, but as I've said to DH he is OUR child and decisions need to be made together without the purposeful deception.

DH would've NEVER told me this was occuring unless my 3yo has been taught to always tell Mommy the truth. Usually, when he comes home I shower him and last Monday when I asked, "So Honey, what did you do today at granny and gramps house?" He immediately started shaking and it was very obvious he didn't want to tell me something. Right then, I knew something was up...so finally DH "came clean" and admitted they bought a booster seat (which I thought was not used until a certain height/weight/age) I believe that the five-point harness should still be used as my DS is only 32 lbs. Maybe I'm wrong...if a am, please correct this misperception

I guess my biggest issues are the appropriateness of the booster seat and the secrecy and one-sidedness of what is appropriate for OUR son given his age. WDYT mamas?

 

[mamazee]

I think the secrecy is a serious problem.

But I do think that if someone is trusted to watch your children regularly, that person should be trusted to leave the house with them, and really should have that flexibility. Especially the children's grandparents. Unless they are alcoholics or something (that's an issue for me) but then I wouldn't trust them to babysit either.

But still, they should not have kept it secret from you. It should have been discussed ahead of time. And with both of you, not just your dh. I would be angry about that, too.

 

[The4OfUs]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamazee I think the secrecy is a serious problem. But I do think that if someone is trusted to watch your children regularly, that person should be trusted to leave the house with them, and really should have that flexibility. Especially the children's grandparents. Unless they are alcoholics or something (that's an issue for me) but then I wouldn't trust them to babysit either. But still, they should not have kept it secret from you. It should have been discussed ahead of time. And with both of you, not just your dh. I would be angry about that, too.

:

 

[Marylizah]

You are right that at 32 # your child still needs a 5 pt harness. Heck, depending on his seat he should still be rear-facing. In most states the rule of thumb is 4 years and 40# for safe booster use.

I would be livid about this aspect.

The secrecy-- telling your DS to *not* tell you-- that would make me ill. That your DH was in on it-- that would probably send me over the edge!

So far, I see three MAJOR issues--

1) Improper restraint

2) Telling your poor 3 year old to lie to mama

3) DH withholding information and actively participating in deceiving you.

Whether or not the g-parents should be allowed to continue their care of DS would depend on whether or not they accept and conform to YOUR rules:

Proper restraint (which they can fund)
Full disclosure (when, where, how long, with whom)
NEVER putting your child into the position of having to hide information from a parent.

I feel for you. I would be so angry.

 

[syn_ack89]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marylizah You are right that at 32 # your child still needs a 5 pt harness. Heck, depending on his seat he should still be rear-facing. In most states the rule of thumb is 4 years and 40# for safe booster use. I would be livid about this aspect. The secrecy-- telling your DS to *not* tell you-- that would make me ill. That your DH was in on it-- that would probably send me over the edge! So far, I see three MAJOR issues-- 1) Improper restraint 2) Telling your poor 3 year old to lie to mama 3) DH withholding information and actively participating in deceiving you. Whether or not the g-parents should be allowed to continue their care of DS would depend on whether or not they accept and conform to YOUR rules: Proper restraint (which they can fund) Full disclosure (when, where, how long, with whom) NEVER putting your child into the position of having to hide information from a parent. I feel for you. I would be so angry.

I agree totally!

 

[sarahr]

My mom also watches my DD one day a week. We bought a carseat for her car because it would never occur to me to ask her to stay home all day -- that would be way too much of an omission. I also don't expect her to give me every detail of their day. I generally trust her, so I expect that she'll do appropriate things with DD.

If it were my parents or in-laws, I would assume that the booster vs. 5-point was an innocent mistake. I wouldn't be angry, I would just ask that 5 point be used in the future, and either provide it myself or ask them to (depending on finances).

I would be furious if they explicitly lied to me or, even worse, told my DD to lie to me. But, again, if I trust them enough to watch my DD, I would also trust them enough that I don't need to hear about every trip to the grocery store, etc.