[amyandelle]

I am so mad right now. I have had plans (August 19th) with my best friend and her family for over a month now to spend the day at a community pool with all of the kids so they can get together and play. This is the only time that we are all going to be able to get together and there are like 30 of us going. Well, my dh's sister calls today and says that she is having her dd's birthday party that day and so my dh says to me "What day do you think you are going to that pool? August 19th?" I said "Yeah" then he says "Well gess again, my sister is having T______'s birthday party that day so we have to go to that" I am so mad. First of all he has not spoken to his sister in MONTHS! Every time we try to get together with her to have the kids play she makes up so bulls*&t excuse or says she only has time from 9am-10am (and she knows we will not go to her house that early) Now I am expected to cancel my plans because she has decided to call us and invite us to a party? Then after the party we won't hear from her again until Christmas?

So what would you do? I mean I know that this is his family and his neice is also his goddaughter so I feel obligated in a way but I hate to cancel with my friend and there is no way possible for us to do both.

Thanks,
Amy

 

[Ruthla]

Send DH to his sister's kid's party and go out with your friends. You can't make the party because you have a previous engagement, period.

 

[~member~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ruthla Send DH to his sister's kid's party and go out with your friends. You can't make the party because you have a previous engagement, period.

:

 

[earthmama369]

Take the kids and go to the pool as planned. DH can go to the party with a nice gift. You have a previous engagement and your dh should know it's poor manners to cancel that because something better -- ok, different -- came along. I would only have considered changing my plans if I were close to SIL, being family and all (with a lot of apologies to my friend!), but not under the circumstances you describe.

 

[Sharlla]

I would politely tell her that you have plans that day, sorry you are going to have to miss her party, if DH wanted to go he could.

 

[shelbean91]

I'd go with your original plans and make arrangements to see your neice another day. if your dh wants to see his neice, that's up to him.

 

[Clarinet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ruthla Send DH to his sister's kid's party and go out with your friends. You can't make the party because you have a previous engagement, period.

Wholeheartedly agree.

 

[mommy2zander]

I agree with previous posters that previous plans are the ones you should stick with.

But I also want to share a little "been there, done that" story:
My cousin's son's bday was this last winter & we were not called until the last second (that day, an hour before it started), so I already had a friend over having a kid free sewing afternoon. It wasn't like I could kick her out of my house & run over there to the party! But later, I regretted that we weren't able to go to the party, because it was one of the few opportunities my son has to get to know my Aunts, Uncles, cousins & their kiddos!

While I feel that I made the right decision given the circumstances, I also regret not being at that party for the sake of my son (& his relationship with these relatives that were important to me as a young child/teen!)

No matter what, something special will be missed! I suppose in some ways if you miss the party, it's a lesson to them to plan further ahead, although who knows if they'll get the message!

Good luck with deciding!

 

[northern_sunshine]

I've been there and done that 2 or 3 times. SIL and MIL are horrible about DNeice's b-day party every year. The schedule and reschedule it a hundred times before finally settling on a date, and it always seems like that date is one where our family already has plans. MIL still hasn't forgiven us for not coming to her b-day party (in like 90 degree weather) 2 weeks after DD was born. (They do this a lot with other things, it gives me the impression that they just do not want us to have plans that don't involve them).

:

We just go with our plans and see DN another day. It's not like they have a large extended family (that they invite and get along with, they have a huge extended family), so DD isn't missing out on that aspect. It's all DN's school friends who are 4 yrs older than DD and they tend to ignore her anyway.

 

[amyandelle]

Thanks everyone!

I forgot to mention though that if I don't go my dh can't go. We only have one car so if I leave at 10am to go to the pool he will be stuck at home all day with no way to get to the party.

I do like the idea of telling her that we have plans that day and make arrangements to meet up another day but like I said my SIL makes it very hard for us to get together.

I really don't know what to do. Like Mmommyzander said I know I will feel bad fo Elle if she misses one of the rare occasions where she will get to play with her cousins (her only cousins).

Ugh this really stinks

Amy

 

[Ann-Marita]

Amy, I think your "family" isn't limited to people who are related to you. From your post it sounds like you and your children have long-standing relationships with the people who will be at the pool party. That's family, to me.

I'd go to the pool party. It has been planned for weeks. You, your children, and your vehicle already have a commitment for that day.

If your DH or SIL feel like he really has to be there, then they can arrange his transportation.

And I'd try to get together with dn some other time. But if SIL puts up a lot of roadblocks, I'd have to quit trying after a while.

 

[soladeo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ann-Marita Amy, I think your "family" isn't limited to people who are related to you. From your post it sounds like you and your children have long-standing relationships with the people who will be at the pool party. That's family, to me.

:

To use that old cliche-you can't pick your family.

I think a lot of us have people in our family-some far away, some too close for comfort- that are inconsiderate, difficult, or plain nasty. Just because there blood doesn't make them someone you HAVE to hang out with, my dh and I have learned that. I'm not sure how close your dd is to her cousins, but if she isn't, I certainly wouldn't sweat it. Personally, I had a great relationship with my cousins until we were pre-teens, and then having to hang with them was a nightmare. The kids she'll remember, or even still be friends with, as an adult, are the ones she has something in common with, and who treat her well. That may be her cousins, but it certainly may not be. I know many of us are conditioned to put a premium on family, but it's a two-way street.

 

[shelbean91]

Have a family member come pick dh up.

 

[Sharlla]

Or just have him not go. Does it really matter to him if he misses it? I know my DH wouldn't want to go if I tried to drag him to it

Either way I would NOT change my plans, it's just not fair to you.

 

[A&A]

Drop dh off at SIL's house on your way to the pool. He can hang out there all day (instead of being stuck at home) and he can attend the party and give a nice gift. I wouldn't cancel friend plans that have been planned that far in advance.

 

[mamalisa]

First, I woudl be pissed my dh just told me what I was doing. That would not fly.

I agree with those that said your first obligation is to the people you already had plans with. If your dh wants to go on his own to the party, that's cool. But you should not have to change your longstanding plans, unless you wanted to. The car thing can be worked out, he can drop you guys, you cna drop him, whatever. It might not be convienient but it would be more fair than you just having to cancel your stuff.

 

[kelly81]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamalisa First, I woudl be pissed my dh just told me what I was doing. That would not fly. I agree with those that said your first obligation is to the people you already had plans with. If your dh wants to go on his own to the party, that's cool. But you should not have to change your longstanding plans, unless you wanted to. The car thing can be worked out, he can drop you guys, you cna drop him, whatever. It might not be convienient but it would be more fair than you just having to cancel your stuff.

:

That wouldn't fly with me either...especially saying "Guess again....we have to go to that" That sounds rude and inconsiderate. Would HE be willing to cancel month old plans with HIS close friends, for one of YOUR sibling's child's b-day party?

Stick with your plans. Something can be arranged with the vehicle situation.

 

[Penelope]

ITA that he can get a ride or you can drop him off. He could help set up or vaccuum or whatever for her. Personally, if my dh said to me "Guess again - you're changing your plans," I would be angry. He doesn't make my plans. If I had made arrangements weeks in advance with 30 other people, I would cancel only if I had to - illness or emergency. I would not cancel because dh said I had to.

 

[momto l&a]

You keep your previous engagement IMO

The guess again comment is a nasty thing to say IMO.

 

[UnschoolnMa]

Keep your previous plans, and skip the party. Send the Dh with a card and cute little gift. They can deal.

Have fun swimming and visiting!