Would you have yelled?
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I don't know what I would have done. I do know that yelling is an ineffective means of communicating or expressing anger, and would not have been the best thing to do. Your DH was wrong to yell at the kid. You were wrong to yell at DH. It didn't accomplish anything except make everyone that much more angry. Best thing to do would be to wait until everyone has calmed down, and sit and discuss what happened and why you felt angry (but in subjective terms, talk about how *you* felt, not saying things like "You should have..."). Your DH "punishing" you by refusing to go on vacation sounds like a control problem. Does he do things like that often? Does he often blame you for his actions? If so, maybe you should take a good hard look at your relationship.
i agree with pp that yelling is not a good idea. Your results have already proven that.
I get the feeling from your post that you tend to think your dh is not a very effective parent. I also get the feeling that emotions might tend to run a little high in your family. Yelling at the kids, yelling at each other and threatening each other in front of the children are all very bad ideas.
You and your dh need to have a sitdown without the kids, and talk about emotion and respect. As the previous poster also said, use I statements to express your feelings, not to blame each other ("I feel like you are a crappy parent" is not the proper use of an I statement). Allow your partner to vent without reacting emotionally. If this proves impossible for the 2 of you to do alone, consider a marriage class or counseling.
To answer your question, no. I would not have yelled. Derek never yells. I don't yell at him. I do sometimes yell at Ben, but I recognize that it is wrong, and I'm working on correcting it. Derek is an extremely watchful parent (actually quite restricting), and would never let Ben out of his sight (I would be the one to do that), but if he did, i would not assume that he wasn't paying attention, or didn't notice. I would be more likely to grill him to find out how he had let it happen.
We did have an incident last summer. I was at a pool party with Ben, who was 18 months old. I was allowing him to toddle around on the pool deck while I stayed in the pool at the edge in front of him. As Derek was walking up, he saw Ben, didn;t recognize him and began mentally cursing the negligent parent who would let a toddler out of arm's reach near a pool. He was pretty pissed when he got closer and saw that it was me who was risking the life of his child.
He didn;t really say very much at that time. I could see that he was upset, but he only asked me to stay closer to ben. I grew up on the pacific ocean, was a lifeguard and taught children's swim lessons. I'm a bit more comfortable and cautious around the water than he is, but I felt safe and he did not. Later we talked about it. If he had yelled at me, I would not have yelled back, but I would have been humiliated, especially because I did then, and do now believe that I was right. I don;t think I would still be with him if it happened more than once or twice.
I get the feeling from your post that you tend to think your dh is not a very effective parent. I also get the feeling that emotions might tend to run a little high in your family. Yelling at the kids, yelling at each other and threatening each other in front of the children are all very bad ideas.
You and your dh need to have a sitdown without the kids, and talk about emotion and respect. As the previous poster also said, use I statements to express your feelings, not to blame each other ("I feel like you are a crappy parent" is not the proper use of an I statement). Allow your partner to vent without reacting emotionally. If this proves impossible for the 2 of you to do alone, consider a marriage class or counseling.
To answer your question, no. I would not have yelled. Derek never yells. I don't yell at him. I do sometimes yell at Ben, but I recognize that it is wrong, and I'm working on correcting it. Derek is an extremely watchful parent (actually quite restricting), and would never let Ben out of his sight (I would be the one to do that), but if he did, i would not assume that he wasn't paying attention, or didn't notice. I would be more likely to grill him to find out how he had let it happen.
We did have an incident last summer. I was at a pool party with Ben, who was 18 months old. I was allowing him to toddle around on the pool deck while I stayed in the pool at the edge in front of him. As Derek was walking up, he saw Ben, didn;t recognize him and began mentally cursing the negligent parent who would let a toddler out of arm's reach near a pool. He was pretty pissed when he got closer and saw that it was me who was risking the life of his child.
He didn;t really say very much at that time. I could see that he was upset, but he only asked me to stay closer to ben. I grew up on the pacific ocean, was a lifeguard and taught children's swim lessons. I'm a bit more comfortable and cautious around the water than he is, but I felt safe and he did not. Later we talked about it. If he had yelled at me, I would not have yelled back, but I would have been humiliated, especially because I did then, and do now believe that I was right. I don;t think I would still be with him if it happened more than once or twice.
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Yeah, he often tries to control me/punish me, as in the vacation thing. I usually just brush it off. I have a job, my own money, etc.... He doesn't control me. He dared me to go on the vacation alone with the kids......thinking I won't. I might actually do it.
I know that yelling at him wasn't the best thing to do, but my heart was still racing at thinking of what could have happened. If he had been immediately remorseful (saying he was sorry, can't believe he let that happen, etc.) and not yelled at our son, then of course I wouldn't have yelled.
I know that yelling at him wasn't the best thing to do, but my heart was still racing at thinking of what could have happened. If he had been immediately remorseful (saying he was sorry, can't believe he let that happen, etc.) and not yelled at our son, then of course I wouldn't have yelled.
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He's usually a capable parent. But he does yell too much. (And yes I know the irony of yelling back at him for yelling at our son, but still...........)
Originally Posted by bens_mommie I get the feeling from your post that you tend to think your dh is not a very effective parent.. |
He's usually a capable parent. But he does yell too much. (And yes I know the irony of yelling back at him for yelling at our son, but still...........)
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Yes, I would have.
With that said, maybe he knows he did something wrong, feels stupid, and is being defensive because actually admitting to you and himself that he was neglectful to the point of putting your son in a potentially life-threatening situation is just too painful for him? I know my DH sometimes defends himself even when he knows he's wrong because it hurts his pride too much to admit it.
But, we always end up talking it out at a later point when we can be more objective and then resolving things.
I hope this is the case. He probably doesn't want to face up to the severity of the situation, and is telling himself "something bad could have happened, but it didn't, so I don't have to deal with blame". Imagine how bad you would feel if it had been you that accidentally let ds wander off- it's embarrassing, yk?
but yes, I'm totally on your side with this, I would have been extremely upset also. I think I would try talking about it later in a non-confrontational way, like "look, I'm sorry I reacted so harshly, I was just very scared and upset at the time, but I know you are a good father and so please reassure me that you realize ds can't be unsupervised outside." give him a chance to apologize. don't consciously hold a grudge or go on vacation alone to punish him or get even, because you'll both just end up feeling crappier and adding to the resentment. I know it's hard but try being forgiving and nice about it and maybe you'll get the apology you deserve.
With that said, maybe he knows he did something wrong, feels stupid, and is being defensive because actually admitting to you and himself that he was neglectful to the point of putting your son in a potentially life-threatening situation is just too painful for him? I know my DH sometimes defends himself even when he knows he's wrong because it hurts his pride too much to admit it.
But, we always end up talking it out at a later point when we can be more objective and then resolving things.
I hope this is the case. He probably doesn't want to face up to the severity of the situation, and is telling himself "something bad could have happened, but it didn't, so I don't have to deal with blame". Imagine how bad you would feel if it had been you that accidentally let ds wander off- it's embarrassing, yk?
but yes, I'm totally on your side with this, I would have been extremely upset also. I think I would try talking about it later in a non-confrontational way, like "look, I'm sorry I reacted so harshly, I was just very scared and upset at the time, but I know you are a good father and so please reassure me that you realize ds can't be unsupervised outside." give him a chance to apologize. don't consciously hold a grudge or go on vacation alone to punish him or get even, because you'll both just end up feeling crappier and adding to the resentment. I know it's hard but try being forgiving and nice about it and maybe you'll get the apology you deserve.
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Yeah, I would have yelled, and it has shown to be an effective form of communication at my house. (especially when DH is acting like a dumbass)
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I'm taking the kids on vacation, because we've been promising our daughter this trip for over a year. Whether or not he chooses to go is entirely up to him.
Originally Posted by bri276 . don't consciously hold a grudge or go on vacation alone to punish him or get even, |
I'm taking the kids on vacation, because we've been promising our daughter this trip for over a year. Whether or not he chooses to go is entirely up to him.
I know it's not an "effective means of communication" but I would have yelled for sure. I would have totally freaked out, especially when he didn't know how long the babe had been gone for, and when he wasn't sorry.
I am with you on taking the kids on vacation with or without him too.
I am with you on taking the kids on vacation with or without him too.
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I probably would have yelled but also would have been quick to apologize. there was no need to apologize but I woul dhave been scared and and irritated. Onteh other hand my child has escaped out of our house and we live on a very busy corner. we teach them from the minute they can walk not to go into thte street and we have almost 100% obedience on that over the last 8 1/2 years because we are so vigilant about it but still. what if. anyway, my point was I would have ben yelled and screamed and probably cried. but I also would have apologized for losing it. I woul dnot have been mad or yelled at dh for yelling at dc for leaving the yard. I probably would not have been so harsh but would have definitely addressed them.
So I htink you both were justified in your response but you both owe each other an apology.
So I htink you both were justified in your response but you both owe each other an apology.
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Quote:
Thank you. Now he's back to going on vacation with us, primarily because he wants to make our daughter happy.
Originally Posted by thismama I know it's not an "effective means of communication" but I would have yelled for sure. I would have totally freaked out, especially when he didn't know how long the babe had been gone for, and when he wasn't sorry. I am with you on taking the kids on vacation with or without him too. |
Thank you. Now he's back to going on vacation with us, primarily because he wants to make our daughter happy.
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Yes, I know how freaked out I would have been, and I definately would have yelled if dh hadn't been as panicky as I had been about it. I know it isn't the best thing to do, and I really try not ot yell in front of the dc, but I think in this case, I might have lost it. (we have similar siuations with lots of land out back and a busy road out front) I know dh would have been upset also, so i know I would have felt bad about it after, apologized and had a calm conversation about it. I know, I know, yelling is bad, but I also know that I have definatley improved on the communication front significantly, and wouldn't beat myself up on an occasional loss of reason. I sometimes wonder if it is really healthy NEVER to yell? But I guess it depends on your own comfort level.
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I definitely wouldn't have yelled about it. I don't see that there's any point in yelling -- what's done is done, and I don't really believe in trying to train my husband by creating negative experiences (being yelled at) as a result of bad behavior (allowing child to run out into street). That would make me feel like I was trying to train my husband the way one might train a dog. (Not that I think yelling at dogs is necessarily a good way to train them, either.)
I would have waited until later, when I had calmed down and we were no longer in the presence of our children, and then talked with my husband about how it came to pass that our child was able to run out into the street. I also would have talked with him about disciplinary tactics, since I don't believe that yelling at a child is the best way to impress upon them the importance of not running out into the street.
I would have waited until later, when I had calmed down and we were no longer in the presence of our children, and then talked with my husband about how it came to pass that our child was able to run out into the street. I also would have talked with him about disciplinary tactics, since I don't believe that yelling at a child is the best way to impress upon them the importance of not running out into the street.
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I would have yelled, but I'm a yeller. Not proud of it. My dh doesn't yell. Ever. And he remains more calm in situations like that. He would feel awful but just not show it. So chances are, I would be yelling and wrapped in my own little drama in my head and think that he's not sorry, nor freaked out and later would calm down and realize that he felt bad, but couldn't express it at the moment because he was freaked out.
You yelled because you were scared, mama, but he naturally became defensive, rather than sorry because he was given no choice. He was probably so scared at the thought that something could have happened to your ds that rather than feel that, he reacted with anger and defensiveness from being yelled at. I mean, the prospect of being blamed for something that scary would make me a little defensive also. Not rationally so, mind you.
He was absolutely out of line in using your vacation as a weapon, though.
I agree with Lilyka, you both owe each other an apology. This is no longer about what happened, but a power struggle between both of you.
I hope you can work this out and enjoy your vacation together.
You yelled because you were scared, mama, but he naturally became defensive, rather than sorry because he was given no choice. He was probably so scared at the thought that something could have happened to your ds that rather than feel that, he reacted with anger and defensiveness from being yelled at. I mean, the prospect of being blamed for something that scary would make me a little defensive also. Not rationally so, mind you.
He was absolutely out of line in using your vacation as a weapon, though.
I agree with Lilyka, you both owe each other an apology. This is no longer about what happened, but a power struggle between both of you.
I hope you can work this out and enjoy your vacation together.
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I would have yelled, and he probably would have yelled back- b/c he was worried and upset and knew the potential bad that could have come out of the situation. Of course, that's not the best way of communicating, but that's probably what would have happened. I would have yelled b/c of my sheer terror at the situation.
Not to say that I haven't made huge mistakes that could have caused just as much damage (like locking my now 3 year old outside in the front when he was 2-ish b/c I thought my mom brought him in and she thought I brought him in). He must have been out there about 5 minutes or so-I heard him crying at the door- I cried for about an hour when I thought about how awful that could have turned out and have been MUCH more careful since.
I think we should all get a 'freebie' of bad judgement and learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately, not everyone does get that freebie, but it seems your dh just did. Once you all calm down, I'm sure he'll realize that-though he may not admit it (if he's stubborn like my dh).
Have fun on your vacation.
Not to say that I haven't made huge mistakes that could have caused just as much damage (like locking my now 3 year old outside in the front when he was 2-ish b/c I thought my mom brought him in and she thought I brought him in). He must have been out there about 5 minutes or so-I heard him crying at the door- I cried for about an hour when I thought about how awful that could have turned out and have been MUCH more careful since.
I think we should all get a 'freebie' of bad judgement and learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately, not everyone does get that freebie, but it seems your dh just did. Once you all calm down, I'm sure he'll realize that-though he may not admit it (if he's stubborn like my dh).
Have fun on your vacation.
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I'm sure I would have yelled. It's a natural reaction when you are scared/angry/startled. Granted nothing actually happened, but only because you were lucky this time. Yep, I'm pretty sure I would have yelled!
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In that situation...having almost run my son down with the car...I'd probably have yelled. I've never yelled at dh, but I know that if I were pumped up with adrenalin from being scared like that, I probably would. I'd have apologized later after I calmed down...but I'm pretty sure the reaction would have set me off.
I really prefer to wait until I've calmed down to deal with things that concern me (eg. your son not being adequately supervised), but sometimes something catches me (everybody?) at just the wrong moment.
I used to yell at my ex a lot...but that was a whole different ballgame. He was a passive aggressive, manipulative, drug addicted, lying thief...and I was always sick and dealing with a series of bouts of depression. So...my behaviour was appalling, in reaction to his, and I eventually booted him out for my sake and my son's (no child should have to live in that kind of home). I do agree with previous posters that yelling doesn't really accomplish anything, but I do think it's a normal reaction sometimes.
I really prefer to wait until I've calmed down to deal with things that concern me (eg. your son not being adequately supervised), but sometimes something catches me (everybody?) at just the wrong moment.
I used to yell at my ex a lot...but that was a whole different ballgame. He was a passive aggressive, manipulative, drug addicted, lying thief...and I was always sick and dealing with a series of bouts of depression. So...my behaviour was appalling, in reaction to his, and I eventually booted him out for my sake and my son's (no child should have to live in that kind of home). I do agree with previous posters that yelling doesn't really accomplish anything, but I do think it's a normal reaction sometimes.
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